Jenny May On The Loose

Not The Best Weekend...

2009-03-16T07:06:00.002Z

For a Scottish Hearts fan who's English team is Man Utd.

Or for a Rangers fan.

Still that's life.

Jenny xx

Love Hurts...

2009-02-20T00:48:00.002Z

It starts with a butterfly feeling. A nice anticipation in your stomach...almost like the feeling as you wait in line for a thrill ride...that nervous excitement you get. It continues by filling your head and causing your thoughts to focus on that one person. It shows itself in the attention you start paying to your appearance, actions and behaviour. It eventually grows until you need to act upon it...and then it becomes physical or at least we want it to as the animal instinct kicks in until finally it encompasses us and takes us over.

But is this love I talking about?

No. What I have described is lust and it's a whole different ball game from love but all too easily mistaken for it.

Lust has a funny way of fooling us into thinking we are in love or at least feeling love and that can have some consequence.

Now I don't want to knock lust or underplay it's effect...christ I love the feeling of lust! I've let it lead me into temptation more than once let me tell you and I'm sure the dents in my halo from where I tossed it aside in moments of lust will testify to that, not to mention the carpet burns!

Lust once encouraged me all the way to quick, thrilling sex with a male friend in a kitchen just feet away from where his girlfriend (and my good friend) lay sleeping on the sofa! I can't even say it dragged me kicking and screaming because that would be a lie...instead it grabbed me and consumed me for several months, weeks and days (as it was doing to him also). It increased it's hold on me by giving me little moments of encouragement...a smile, eyes catching each other across rooms, little touches as we past each other...all heightening the feeling and all increasing the levels of lust until it boiled over into an illicit encounter on a kitchen worktop! Ok, I'm being honest here so it was two illicit encounters in two different rooms, on two different occasions but whatever, I digress...

Am I ashamed of myself? Of course. I cheated on someone and did something that potentially would have destroyed a friendship and hurt someone I cared about badly. Do I regret it? Hell no. It was bloody good and it's a little secret that never got out in our circle of friends and is now buried in the past where it will remain. It was a moment of lustful madness. It meant nothing but at the time it meant everything...enough to risk being caught, enough to risk a friendship, enough to risk ruining relationships.

What it was not though was love.

Love is something altogether different. Love can start with lust or it can walk hand in hand with lust but as an emotion in it's own right? Love is, as my Other Half described it "just bigger, just different" and that's about right. Being in love just gets you somewhere right in the chest and holds you. It makes your heart jump and hurt all in a matter of minutes. It's not a feeling in your stomach like butterflies, it's like a bloody kick in the guts, a blow to knock you sideways. It gives you superpowers. The ability to read minds being one because love makes you finish someone elses sentences and know what they are thinking or feeling without the need to ask. It gives you the ability to communicate without speech. Makes your priorities change and comes with the ability to make you cry through sheer happiness or hurt at any given time. It makes you appreciate the sound of a heartbeat all the more and to thank someone that the chest next to yours in the bed is still rising and falling with breath.

Lust may take your knickers away but love can literally take your breath away.

Like I say it's easy to mistake lust for love but if you feel crap and it passes without leaving your heart aching and sore it was lust...lust rarely leaves your heart aching and sore for long, your ass cheeks from sitting on a kitchen worktop yes but your heart no!

So to the person with whom this post was written in mind....I guess what I'm saying is that in a week or two you'll feel better and you'll realise it was not love...not that love, not the love you were looking for or needed. If though in a week or two your ass cheeks hurt then we really need to have a totally different conversation!

Jenny xx

Hands Off The Moon. It's Mine...

2009-02-20T00:32:00.003Z

Tonight I was given the moon by a very good friend of mine. So it now belongs to me. The only thing is that apparently I need to keep it in the sky and not in my house. That's cool though because big as the flat is I just don't have the room for it.

Why did I get the moon? Well apparently that's what you give to folks when you are trying to demonstrate that you'd give them something bloody brilliant if you could.

How nice to be deemed worthy of getting the moon.

But my very good friend need not demonstrate his feelings by climbing to the heavens to fetch the moon for me...for he gave me the best thing I could ask for when he managed to laugh and smile with me as we stood on the step tonight. That's all I need to make me happy.

Jenny xx

Get The Black Armbands Out...

2009-01-22T23:52:00.004Z

Today I lost a friend. Or rather I lost a friendship.

How so? Well if I actually tried hard enough I could probably keep the friend but the friendship is another matter entirely because it's now tainted and I find it very hard to clean things that are tainted.

I'm not a bad person. Oh I can be a bitter, twisted, coniving bitch of a person and I make a shit enemy but I am also an open, forgiving and thoughtful person.

Yet today I somehow managed to lose a friendship that had it's roots planted circa 1989.

C'est La Vie and move on? Yes usually, but this one has made me a bit sad because I know it shouldn't have come to this. I should have taken a step back and waited and thought it out but time was a luxury I did not have this week. What I had this week was a business to run and a very sick child to juggle which for all my skill with balls was a trick even I could not pull off.

What I needed was help this week. What I am not and never have been good at is admitting I am failing to manage things, to admit that I am out of my depth and not quite managing. This week I have not managed...in more ways than one.

I'm sad because when someone needs my help I will move heaven, earth and often my life out the way to do what I can. I will listen, shout, sympathise. I will phone, write and travel. I will send my own time thinking about them, for them. I will look for a way to work it out be it logically or in my own crazy fashion. I will not say there is no helping them even if it seems to be a lost cause because I hate to admit defeat. I'm nothing if not competitive.

This week when I needed help I whispered for it first, then I spoke loudly and finally I shouted. Sadly the person I expected to help me didn't answer. Perhaps that's the flaw right there...I expected...did I take it for granted that they'd hear me and come? Maybe and maybe that was wrong but then again I'm damn sure that that person knows they could take for granted I'd be there if they were shouting...hell I have been a number of times.

Bizarrely it's not as though I was expecting something for nothing. I thought (again obviously incorrectly) that I was also helping them in a way by asking for their help. Ok so it was financial help but help never the less.

They think I was taking the piss. They should know by now if I was taking the piss it'd have been on a much grander scale. Anyway since when did taking the piss mean trying my hardest to retain a place for them on a schedule which doesn't necessarily need them? Or offering them extras before others because I knew they'd benefit? Or putting myself at risk by breaking the rules to try and help them one day reach that goal of actually doing something more than look at grey Edinburgh just a wee bit sooner?

Yes I can be hard but I needed a friend this week...no-one else needed anything...it was me that needed it and when I did my friend turned his cheek and mistook my cry for help as me taking the piss. Tonight my sick child sat alone in the house because I couldn't be with her. I feel like the world's worst Mother. Tomorrow I will feel the same.

However I can ease my conscience by knowing I am not the world's worst friend or boss.

I was there for you...as short a time ago as last week when I was like a sister. And I know you are in a wierd place and I know you feel the world has it in for you but you know that I would have taken all of that from you if I could, that if I could have made the sun shine on you today I would, that if I could make her love you I would....but I couldn't because just for once this week I had to make the sun shine for someone else and had to try and take the burden from someone else and I failed at that and I feel I failed you...but you need to understand that you hurt me too.

The friend will always remain but the friendship? Is it possible to polish it till it shines again? That, my friend is up to you.

Jenny xx

Ten Minutes Ago...

2008-09-11T22:28:00.002+01:00

I was standing outside my front door having a cigarette. If I written that sentence back in early July I'd have been at my back door or in my garden having my cigarette. Now I have no back door and my garden consists of some pots planted with flowers and a set of wooden garden furniture sat upon the roof of a pub cellar. Some garden eh? Still at least I don't need to mow it and if Ross can get away with calling his council flat an apartment then screw me if I don't have a roof terrace in my urban home!

Yep, home is not what it was back in Spring. I no longer live in a modern 3 bed semi with views over fields and the sound of sheep for company. Home is now a 3 bed 1800's built flat with views over a packaging company to the rear and a busy man road to the front and the sound of buses, lorries and sirens for company!

I was terrified of this flat when I first clapped eyes on it. It was smelly, damp and just horrible. I think our family and friends who came to look at it back then thought we'd lost the plot! Their voices were saying "Oooh it's huge and there's plenty potential" but their faces...well they were definitely saying "OH MY GOD".

I happily admit that I wasn't sure I could live here. I could see the potential alright and it is huge but I could also smell the damp and see the green stuff growing up the walls! It took 3 weeks of non-stop hard work to get it cleared out and into something remotely resembling a habitable dwelling. In Mid-July we moved in. I cried like a baby when we left our old house. We moved over two days but once I walked out on the Thursday I just couldn't bring myself to go back on the Friday to pick up the last little bits and pieces.

I was dreading that first night in here. I'm the girl who leaves the toilet light or tv on all night when I'm somewhere unfamiliar, the one who refuses to sleep in a bed against a wall and needs to sleep nearest the door. Mitch and I are one couple who don't have "sides" of the bed because I change it to suit where we are! Anyway my fears crept up on me all day and by bedtime I was freaking myself out...I shouldn't have worried. I got into bed (dragging Mitch with me), put the tv on... and woke up to bright sunshine and the noise of the traffic some 8 hours later! I fell asleep straight away and slept right through - a first for me in a strange place!

From that night on this place has been home. The noise, the chaos, the mess, all of it is part of normality now. The flat is still like a tip...there's no real kitchen, we have no cooker, the bathroom suite is in place but the shower isn't and there are holes in the bathroom floor, only Belle and Doodles rooms are wallpapered and finished, there is no carpet in the hall and all the other rooms still need decorated, the doors need replaced as do the windows but I live with it and that is a another first for the girl who wants everything done yesterday and is used to clicking her heels and getting her own way!

So tonight as I stood there having my ciggy and looking around me I wasn't too worried not to hear sheep or see fields. Instead I listened to the screech of the police car shooting down the road, the squeal of the brakes of the bus that had pulled up at the bus stop over the road and gazed at the roof of the warehouse in front of me and then I looked up...the sky was clear and hundreds of stars twinkled away above me and I realised the view I was looking at right now was the same one I'd often stared at in my garden in the countryside. Some things are so different but some things are still exactly the same.

Jenny xx

Time Flies....

2008-09-11T22:23:00.002+01:00

Wow!

My last post on here was the 13th March. Back then I was working for a major employer in Edinburgh, living in a wee village out West and had plenty time on my hands!

It all seems like a lifetime ago now.

Jenny xx

Beating The Bullies....

2008-03-13T09:15:00.002Z

Last week 11 year old comes in with a face like fizz. After much persuading I get the story out of her that her "friends" have been calling her names, pushing her, telling others not to play with her. The core of this is one girl. Her angry face quickly disolves into one trying hard to hold back the tears.

My face changes from concerned Mother to angry Lioness...as it does when one of your cubs is upset or hurting.

"I'm not going to school on Monday" she whispers. "It's too hard trying to ignore them".

Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm not having that. No first instinct is to go and find the buggers who have made my daughter cry, who have told her she is ugly, who have told her her hair is the wrong colour, who have called her names she (and they) don't really know the meaning of and grab their little necks and wring them but a) that's not allowed and b) that's not teaching my daughter how to deal with this properly.

So I ponder for a minute or two. I face this test of parenthood and consider my move.

I am always teaching my kids that the only weapon you will ever need in this world is a smart mouth and the ability to use it properly.

It's something I believe in. Know how to use your mouth and you can achieve all sorts.

So I gather 11 year old and we get in the car. 11 year old wants to know where we're going. I tell 11 year old that I will explain it all when we get back.

We pull up outside the local shop. There "Friend 1" is standing. We walk past and go into the shop. No sign of the rest of them. I purchase what I need and head back out the shop. "Friend 1" is still outside.

"Hiya Toots, have you seen Emily*?" I ask her. She answers no. "Ok babes well if you do can you tell her I was looking for her please? I'd like to speak to her about something" and we walk away.

We get back to the house and 11 year old is looking a bit panicked. "Mum why did you do that? Emily will know I've told you now". I agree and say yes she will but let's just wait and see.

A few minutes later another "friend" appears alone in the street. I open the door and go out. "Hey Hun, have you seen Emily?" I ask her. Again the answer is no. I move into second gear. "Oh ok Hun. I'll catch up with her later because I want to talk to her about something. I also want to talk to you but since you're here I won't need to look for you"

"Friend 2 " looks at me. The expression of smart ass 11 year old instantly changed to worried 11 year old.

"Ok babes, Belle has told me what happened tonight and what's been happening all week. I'm really disappointed that you have been part of that and I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to have to mention your name when I speak to the Head on Monday. I know your Mum will be annoyed and I know you'll be worried now all weekend about getting into trouble on Monday but I am annoyed and Belle is going to be worried all weekend so we're all square now"

Friend 2 is quick to point out that it was Emily. Emily started it and Emily told them to do it and Emily said she wouldn't speak to them if they spoke to Belle.

By now Friend 3 has appeared and is listening closely. "Am I getting told on?" he asks.
"Where you there? Have you been involved?" I ask him back. He answers yes. "Then I'm sorry Toots but I'll need to mention you to0". Friend 3 is quick to point out Emily started it as well!

I move up a notch. "Ok guys look, I know you're good kids, I've known you both since you were 3 years old but you know Belle is upset and she's frightened and that is not good. I know Emily can be a little sod but when did you guys decide that she was the boss? Who told her she could make the rules and the decisions for you all? If she told you all to jump of a cliff would you do it?. I don't think so. It's a shame because now you're both going to get into trouble because you let someone else make a decision for you."

Friend 2 and 3 look to the ground. I sense victory and carry on. "You know guys, in a few months time you are all going to High School. On day one and for the first few weeks you will be really pleased to see faces and friends from your Primary class until you make new friends and settle in" They are now looking up at me listening intently looking very much like the wee 3 year olds I once knew! "Remember that you all have feelings and imagine how it might be if it was you no-one was speaking to or it was you people were being told to ignore. Imagine if that's you at High School."

"That would be crap" says Friend 3.

"Yes it would" I reply. "Ok guys I'll leave you to think about it and at least now you'll be prepared to speak to the Head on Monday. Have a nice weekend guys ok?"

"Yes Jenny" they reply and walk away.

11 year old looks perplexed when I go back in. "Mum what are you doing? I don't understand. They'll go and tell Emily and she'll be really angry that she's getting into trouble"

I sit her down and begin to try and explain. "Honey, imagine you are Emily. You've been told Belle's Mum is looking for you. That the Head is going to be told what you've been up to. Two of your friends are annoyed because they might now be in trouble becuase they did what you told them too. Belle's Mum knows your Mum. Your Mum is bound to find out. How are you feeling right now? I'll tell you how...you are panicking. You are about to start backtracking and trying to save your skin."

Belle looks puzzled and then nods "Emily is going to be worried"

I say that she will and that it's good if she is worried because now she is feeling exactly what Belle is feeling....worried, frightened and nervous.

I tell Belle to watch some tv and just give it some time.

30 minutes was all it took.

I tell Belle to answer the door. There on the doorstep are 8 "friends". I can hear the "I'm sorry's" from the lounge. I can hear the reasons why things were said and done. I can hear the excuses, the explanations, the regrets and the promises it won't happen again. They give her 2 packets of sweets they have clubbed together for and bought t the shop. I can't hear Emily though....and then..."I'm sorry Belle, I didn't mean it" and on and on it goes for several minutes as Emily finally finds her voice.

Belle turns to me and says "Mum can I go out?" I nod.

I go to the door while she is putting on her trainers. "Well look at this on my doorstep!" They all laugh. "Sorry for making you annoyed Jenny" says one voice from the back. "Yep so you should be you wee brat!" They laugh again. "I want you all to know I won't have bullying and that goes for any of you bullying each other not just Belle ok? It's not big and it's not clever. Try and remember that you've all been friends a long time. If you can't be nice to each other then stay away from each other. If you've nothing nice to say then keep it zipped ok?"

They all nod. "Good. See ya'll later"

Belle heads out.

She returns an hour or two later, soaked, bogging and beaming from ear to ear. Which is how it should be.

Later I put her to bed. "Thanks Mum. I get it now. Make the bullies feel how you feel and they are not so smart"

"Yep that's it" I say "and remember if that fails then just smack them one right in the mouth!" and I walk away and close the door leaving 11 year old in fits of laughter.

Jenny xx

Obviously Emily is a made up name and I'm glad to say it seems to have settled down and things are back to normal. Peace has prevailed and the world is a happier place. I am going to apply for a UN Peacekeeping position in due course!

Happy Birthday....

2008-03-13T09:13:00.002Z

It's my gorgeous Better Half's birthday today. He's older than 40 but younger than 50. You could say he's somewhere inbetween.

So Happy Birthday Honey.

I Love You Too Much.

Jenny xx

40 Years.

2008-03-13T08:48:00.002Z

So last week the phone goes and it's my Uncle. He isn't really my Uncle, he's Dad's cousin but he's all the family we have now on that side bar my Great Auntie May and she has Alzheimers and hasn't got the faintest idea who we are, and Jim has always been Uncle Jim to us.

Now it's not unusual for my Uncle to ring me. Since Dad's death (they were very close) he keeps in touch and we try and meet up when we can which is harder than is seems as he lives in Ayr and can't drive any longer due to having the hellish illness that is Parkinsons.

Anyhow he's on the phone and telling me that he's moved house. I'm shocked. Him and Auntie Margaret had a great house and they've been in it for about 20 years. Then he tells me he's bought a wee one bedroom flat in the town centre. I'm puzzled. They had a gorgeous old victorian house before with oodles of space.

Then comes the bombshell. HE has bought a one bedroom flat in the town centre. My Auntie is living elsewhere. They have seperated and are getting divorced! I am no longer shocked. I am truly flabbergasted. My Uncle and Auntie were a great couple. They have been a couple all my life and more. In fact according to my Mum they have been married for about 40 years!

40 years? That's a huge milestone in this age of throwaway marriages. Now though it is no more.
Worse still it seems to be a bitter and acrimonious split as my Auntie has an injunction out on my Uncle and he was put in Jail for breaking the injunction and going home! In Jail? He's 62 years old, disabled and can barely walk properly!

I have no idea what the hell caused this or why and really I have no wish to know. I can guess it involved shouting, arguing, general disagreeing and an element of throwing things around the house which most likely came to a head after a period fo frustration on both sides. My Uncle is not the young, lively, popular man he was in his youth. He is no longer the Regimental Sergeant major, the brave and fit soldier my Auntie married and put up with for 26 years while he was in service. My Auntie is no longer the RSM's wife. She has had her own ill health and has had to deal with the change in this man and their lifestyle.

It's about 18 years since he left the army. The house was full of army bits and pieces. It was their life. There kids were born in Germany. They moved house every few months. My Auntie was a proper Army wife. Their house was regimentally tidy and my Uncle was a proud and popular soldier. Life was ordered and planned as it always is for a family with a member serving in the forces.

It was hard for them all when it ended. When my Uncle went back onto Civvy Street. Could it really be though that 18 years later the change, the illness, the fact they are not the couple they were in their hey day has finally taken it's toll?

I think maybe so.

And it's sad.

So it seems my sister and I have misplaced another member of our family. It's unlikely we'll see my Auntie again. It's almost like a bereavment in a way.

Still onwards and upwards. We'll head through to see the old Uncle and see how he's doing. It's what Dad would do and he's so like Dad there's a wee comfort to be found in chatting to him!

Jenny xx

It's Obvious That...

2008-03-13T08:43:00.002Z

I have been neglecting this here Blog in recent times.

The reason for this? Well I just can't find the time to sit here and type.

Time eh? It's the one thing in this life there definitely isn't enough of.

Today I have a spare 30 minutes before my day begins in full (meeting my Sis to go shopping, visiting my step-Daughter, taking the wee man swimming, organising a wee party for the back of 5!) so here I am. Take advantage of me while you have me people!

I will endevour to fill you in over the next 30 minutes on what's been going on.

Off I go to begin...

Jenny xx

New Years Resolution...

2008-01-02T03:07:00.000Z

I made one as is tradition.

I was gonna vow to stop smoking but I still have duty free to finish!

I toyed with celebrating the return of the Spice Girls by getting back to the shape I was in when they first appeared on the scene in 1996 but then remembered that I was about 5 months pregnant then and that's not really a shape I wanna be just now!

I flirted with deciding to join a gym but then I remembered I have a fear of all things lycra so decided to give it a miss.

I thought long and hard about eating more healthily but then realised the meringue had to be eaten today so ate that and banished that thought.

Then it dawned on me. Each year we make these resolutions and each year we are smacked across the chops with the big hand of failure. Why? because we are too aspirational in our resolutions. We are unrealistic about what we can achieve. So I decided to make my resolution something attainable and I gave the matter some thought and decided it need to be something that I could prepare for and not just jump into, something that would require a bit of stamina, something that would require me to use my brain and something I could be proud of.

And finally after a long period of deliberation which lasted ooh a good 3 minutes I found something that fitted the bill...I resolved to paint my toenails! It requires a bit of preparation in getting the feet ready, some degree of stamina in doing the right foot with the left hand without fucking it up and a good degree of thought in choosing a suitable colour and when it's done I can look proudly down on my pretty toes...and, bonus time, it was something attainable and realistic!

I am pleased to confirm that for the first time in many a year I have actually made a resolution and stuck to it! My feet were soaked, my cuticles removed, my feet scrubbed and moisturised (there's the preparation!) and finally I settled on a dark red/maroon high gloss, 5 day chip resistant by Rimmel!

Job done and I feel a slight tinge of smugness which I am sure will last longer than any vain attempt to stop smoking, lose half my body weight, live on celery and watercress or squeeze my ass into some lycra cycling shorts!

Go on try it for yourself!

Jenny xx

15 Weeks And Counting...

2008-01-02T02:56:00.001Z

Till my Grandaughter arrives!

Yep 2008 is gonna bring with it (God willing!) a wee bundle of joy for me to coo over.

For those who don't know - my Big Bairn (that'd technically be my step-daughter, my first Hubby's eldest daughter and 11 year old's half sister) is pregnant. So Belle gets to be an Auntie and I'm gonna be a Granny (not a step-granny according to Big Bairn but just Granny!) at the ripe old age of 33!

We know that the baby is a girl as Big Bairn and her gorgeous Boyf have had a sex scan to find out and so far she's likely to be called either Sky or Emily but for now is known by me as Lil' Missy (which is highly likely to stick once she's here!).

So roll on April...I can't wait!

Jenny xx

Happy New Year...

2008-01-02T02:48:00.000Z

All the best people.

I spent Hogmanay in the house this year with my two babies and a glass of coke for company! Better Half was in bed by 10pm as he was up at 4.30am for work.

I watched a bit of TV, had a look round Kickback, kissed my kids at the bells and tucked them up in bed 10 minutes into 2008.

I then settled down and watched the Top 40 80's Films which I'd sky +ed earlier in the night with a hot chocolate and a tin of Quality Street and headed up to bed fairly satisfied with the number one choice of Back To The Future but thinking there were a few that should have been mentioned that weren't (no Ferris Bueller's Day Off) at about 3am without a drop of alcohol passing my lips!

It's all rock and roll with me baby!

Have a guid one wherever and whoever you are!

Jenny xx

On Saturday...

2008-01-02T01:36:00.000Z

I had a wee gathering at my house.

Now even before the door went for the first time I had arsed the best part of 3/4 of a bottle of wine on an empty stomach which is never a good idea. So I was feeling a bit cheery by the time people started arriving!

As the night went on I dumped Gallo for a dangerous Russian called Smirnoff and happily admit to being completely intoxicated by him for the rest of the evening.

Anyway I trudged upstairs at about 4.15am barely able to keep my eyes open and trudged back down again 20 minutes later to say goodbye to Ross, My Sis, Lynnie and Rob* all of whom (as usual) were last to leave...in a very random thing to do kind of way I had taken off my jeans and knickers and had the foresight to put on my PJ bottoms (always a bonus when you come back down to say cheerio to people!) yet I kept my top, bra and jewellery on...more randomly still when I went back up I moisturised my feet and put lip balm on (as I do most nights) but didn't take my make up off! What the fuck?

Anyhow I sleep deeply at the best of times but when I'm drunk my sleep is more a short course in death so my next memory was hearing the doorbell at about 10.30am. The faint Ding Dong was registered somewhere in my head and promptly ignored. Then though the polite Ding Dong was relaced with a not so polite BANG! BANG! BANG! I opened one eye, lifted my head about an inch from the pillow, tilted it to one side like the dog does when she's listening intently, paused for a nano-second to take in the noise and just as I had decided whoever it was could sod off I heard a voice shout "You better open this bloody door!" Now that raised my interest level a bit higher. So I poked the lump lying next to me (who had yet to register any signs of life never mind interest) and murmured "Who the hell is that?" I was prepared for an answer like "Yer ma probably" or "Dammit that'll be my bird" but I wasn't really prepared for "It sounds like Kate*" again I felt my interest level rise a notch, Kate is one of my neighbours and a quiet wee soul. Her Husbad had been at the party but she hadn't as she was apparently ill. The banging had stopped and I heard footsteps stomping away from the front door.

I dragged myself into an upright position and looked at the clock. Just then the phone rang and for some stupid reason I decided to go and answer it downstairs rather than grab the one next to me. By the time I made it down it had stopped. A quick call check later and a listen to the answering machine and it became obvious that it was indeed Kate at the door. She was looking for her Husband who despite living 2 doors away had yet to go home.

I did a quick scout round...I heard someone in the kitchen and opened the door thinking it might be him...only to be met by my 11 year old in her PJ's saying "Well that's the first load in the dishwasher but I'll need to do another later and there were peanuts on the carpet you know!" in a very Motherly way. I nodded and left, feeling decidedly unable to communicate with her at that point. My search proved fruitless...there were no overnight guests to be found!

I headed back upstairs and fell on the bed. I reached feebly for my mobile and sent out feelers to a couple of party attenders on the whereabouts of the missing neighbour. A couple of Beep Beep's later and it was established that rather then walk the 2 doors home when he left at 4.30am my neighbour had jumped in the taxi which was Edinburgh bound and had last been seen at about 7am on the sofa in my Sister's house. She and Lynnie had crashed out about then and the reply came back that he had left sometime between then and now.

Better Half was nudged again with instructions to get dressed and go and let Kate know that her Hubby wasn't here and hadn't been since 4am and that last we knew he'd gone into Edinburgh (I felt it best to leave the fact that that happened to be in the company of a single man and two single females out!). Better Half was not overjoyed at this but agreed it was best to stop Kate worrying about him.

10 minutes later and with me firmly back in bed and aware of a horrible earache kicking in, Better Half returned to say the message had been delivered and that Kate had spoken to her vanishing Husband (who had turned his mobile back on) and that said Husband could "Get to fuck cause he's fucking done it this time"

Oops.

So safe in the knowledge that my doorbell wouldn't ring and my door wouldn't be banged on and no-one was likely to be shouting at me from outside I pulled up the covers and got comfy again...course as Better Half was dressed he was sent to pick up the dog from the kennels and directed to the kitchen to rustle up sausage (quorn of course!), egg and beans and a nice cup of tea for me...and after eating my breakfast I promptly went back to sleep until 4pm!

I knew there was a reason I only do this party thing once every few years...it's not the party as such or the organisation...it's the inevitable chaos that ensues afterwards!

Jenny xx
*Rob and Kate ain't their real names. Their real names are Janet and John. Nope that's a lie too!

And Just Cause I Feel Like It...

2007-11-30T15:39:00.000Z

And cause it makes me smile when I think about it...

It's only 13 days until Minneapolis mark 4!!

Whoo Hoo!

I may not be much of a painter but I tell you if ever they make shopping an Olympic sport I'd be there with the gold medal round my neck.

Jenny xx

Good Idea...

2007-11-30T15:21:00.000Z

I should know better. I really should.

Today I had a brainwave. I decided in my infinite wisdom I was going to paint the downstairs loo or W.C or cloakroom if you're posh.

I blame the BBC for this. If I wasn't for them showing some random programme this morning about tarting up your house I'd have happily sat on my butt with my remote control and a cup of tea and whiled the day away. But no daft olly here came over all Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen and made a wild dash to B&Q with contemporary thoughts and french chateau's on my mind!

Anyhow back I came, paint in hand, it's called "Illusion" which sounded a bit more classy than "Sexy Pink" and set about my task.

Course as soon as I started I remembered why I don't paint.

A) I suck at painting
B) It's beyond tedious
C) I am a messy tart and get more paint on myself than the walls.

Anyhow I've persevered and given it a first coat. It all went well and I thank the lord for swear words as those are all that have gotten me through the last hour...who knew I knew so many?!

"Illusion" has turned out to be less exciting than the name suggests...and is looking decidedly like white to me but I am assured by my 11 year old that it has a hint of grey/blue in it. Perhaps she's right. Maybe my eyes are just fecked from looking at the bloody stuff and squinting to reach the dodgy bits behind the toilet, sink and radiator!

Anyhow it's nearly time for round two. Jenny Versus The Loo. Although to be fair I doubt anyone would know it was me as I'm unrecogniseable due to the amounts of paint all over my body...my hair has got a large "Nancy From Nightmare On Elm Street" style grey streak...I fear it might not be paint but the result of the stress I am suffering after yet another stupid idea.

I've got 3 and a half hours to finish this, clean myself and my mess before Him What Says I Should Never Touch A Paintbrush returns from work! Wish me luck people!

Jenny xx

First Up...

2007-10-24T20:06:00.000+01:00

Right well that's me back. I've not been on here for ages. Haven't glanced at another Blog for long enough either. There's a few reasons for this. One is that I seem to spend half my life on Bebo or JKB or EBay or bloody Facebook now (cheers Ross).

I will need to pay more attention to this here Blog...if only I can find space in my hectic schedule!

Jenny xx

What The ...?

2007-09-22T10:17:00.000+01:00

With Christmas only 94 days away it'll soon be time to start thinking about what gifts to get your loved ones. Well here's the ideal gift for the special female in your life...the SheWee.

From the website...

Shewee Ladies Wee Funnel

Shewee, when positioned securely under the crotch, and with underwear pushed to the side, the Shewee ladies wee funnel directs urine away from the body to a suitable place, such as a toilet, a container or a conveniently located tree!

No more crossed legs or uncomfortable squatting.

Maintain your privacy and banish bare bottoms!

Stand up at public toilets to avoid unhygienic seats and smelly portable loos.

Hike/climb/ski/jog off the beaten track, miles from the nearest toilet.

Travel the world with the comfort of home in your pocket.

All women will benefit from using Shewee ladies wee funnel at some time. Comes complete with a hygenic carrying pouch.

Oh.My.God.

Jenny xx

Em...I'm Not German...

2007-09-19T08:50:00.000+01:00

How comes when I publish a post it tells me it has been published sucessfully in German?

Jenny xx

Sick, Sick, Sick...

2007-09-19T08:18:00.000+01:00

Right then I reckon I have the plague or at least some other horrible lurgy.

For the last fortnight I have been feeling rotten. Just a wee bug I thought when it kicked off exactly two weeks ago today but now? Well now I reckon I have some hideous superbug which is systematically detroying me!

It all began innocently enough. Achy bones and the mother of all headaches which lasted for 48 hours before easing of to the daughter of all headaches. By the Friday of that week the headache and achyness were accompanied by a temperature which was up and down more than a whores knickers. By the following Monday I felt knackered and had developed a sore throat. On the Tuesday I awoke to that nice runny nose that comes with a cold. By Wednesday I was into nostrils permanently blocked territory and needing to breath through my mouth due a lack of oxygen making it up my nasal passages! This wee phase lasted through to Friday when the runny nose had returned and was trying to choke me by sitting in my throat and attempting to drown me!

Saturday arrived and brought with it more snot and gunk and a headache...probably caused by me constantly blowing my nose in a bid to breath! By Sunday the gunk was there but was now accompanied by a dry throat which led to a nippy, irritating cough which wanted to appear every time I breathed to deeply or spoke and a tightness in my chest which was borderline painful whenever said cough reared it's head. That's how it remained until yesterday when the cough decided to get deeper and gunkier. And all the way through I have been plauged with sneezing and the inability to go more than 5 minutes without blowing my nose! Add to that a rash on my tummy, a throat that feels as thick as Pavarottis waistline and a mysterious red cricle under my arm and I'm kinda convinced I have some random plague type thingy!

I've self-medicated with every sort of over the counter remedy. Asprins, Paracetamol, Headaches tablets, Lemsips, throat lozenges and fresh orange but for some insane reason I seem to be getting sicker instead of better! I've tried to stay active throughout, getting on with stuff and getting fresh air but yesterday I admitted defeat and went to bed at 4pm.

I've also rung in sick to work as there was no way I was gonna make it through a 12 hour shift today (just as well really as I woke up this morning at 5am with a killer sore tummy and pain in my ears!). Anyhow the image of me standing behind my wee glass partition trying to offer advice, sympathy and air of authority to the public as they come in while excusing myself to sneeze, losing my voice and never being more than a minute away from a tissue is less than professional!

I'm gonna cave in again today and stay in bed. Hopefully the warmth and rest will shift this thing once and for all.

Anyhow if it's not shifted in a day or two I'm going to the Doc's as it might just be that an anti-biotic is required. I dunno what it is but I do know it doesn't respond to the usual remedy of retail therapy...I've bought a new american fridge/freezer, a set of new french doors, a new coffee maker, some new outdoor lights and a new car in the last week and none of them have helped!

Jenny xx

A Wee Message To....

2007-09-15T20:25:00.000+01:00

The SFA, Walter Smith, The biased media, All the soap doding Hun fans and to that fellow Divemaster Dad who lives in South Africa....;)

GET IT RIGHT UP YOU!!!!!!!!!!

The Famous Heart Of Midlothian 4 - Glasgow Rankgers - 2

Mwahahahahahahaha!!!! Fan-fecking-tastical!!!! 'Mon The Mighty JT's!!!!

That is all.

Jenny xx

It's All In The Stars...

2007-09-11T11:22:00.001+01:00

I got an email from a mate recently which said (and I quote) "I saw this and thought of you" below it was the title Friend and a picture of 2 little girls and underneath, the following quote "I wouldn't want to piss you off. You are sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising at times, defiant and bossy...but if I had to choose a mate to stand shoulder to shoulder with me in times of pain or advsersity I'd choose you"

It was based on me. As in the me she knows and the person I am. Some may have taken it as an insult. I took it as a compliment. I am all these things and more.

I am sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising, defiant and bossy. I'm also impatient, fiery, rash, extreme, and arrogant, impulsive, intolerant and can be insensitive and forceful.

On the other side I can be assertive, pioneering, enthusiastic, adventurous, humorous, fast-paced, energetic and passionate, sociable, talkative, brave, independent,competitive, eager, straightforward, headstrong, a leader, focused on the present and freedom-loving.

Personally I view none of these as bad characteristics! Anyhow these are the traits my star sign says I have so it's not my fault! I'm an Aries, it's a fire sign, it's numero uno and I have red hair so really I was never going to be some quiet wee wallflower with no attitude!

I make no apologies for being any of the above. All of them can be positives to a person.

I am defiant because I won't just accept things. I'm sarcastic but that can be a gift if used properly! I'm definitely impulsive (see Minneapolis!) and I do tend to live in the day and don't plan for the future too much. I am head strong...ask my Primary one teacher who had a battle on her hands with me because she couldn't keep up with me education wise and lost her class to the smart ass 5 year old who finished all her work first and then proceeded to tell the class to come and listen to a story or play outside! That poor woman had a nervous breakdown mid-way through the term and this smart ass 5 year old got the blame!

I'm also well aware of the fact that I can be intolerant and uncompromising. I have no time for people who are rude, abusive, stupid to the point of danger or ill informed but believe otherwise. I won't waste time arguing with a fool. I will, and I am about to be arrogant, use sarcasm or my brain to prove them idiots and leave it at that. Ask anyone who's ever heard me utter the immortal words "I'm right. I know I'm right and I'll prove it" which I happen so say a hell of a lot...oh and if on the off chance I'm wrong (which by the way is not very often cause I'm usually always right!) I won't apologise for it unless I've deeply offended you or upset you....and even then don't hold you're breath cause I'll have to have time to sulk! Cause I'm petulant as well...a trait not mentioned in my star sign!

I'm not brave though...reckless and over enthusastic to the point of doing daft stuff yes but brave? No. If you've ever seen me when a spider appears then you'd know brave is not a trait I display! That said if you wanna have a go then come ahead...I'll not back away cause I'm a strong-willed, headstrong, aggressive leader!! Lol!

As for being competitive? Well let's just say I want to pee quicker than the woman in the cubicle next to me! I am very, very competitive but not materially or anything like that. I just like to win or to support the winner. I'm a bad loser. That I will admit. The fact I share a house and bed with the world's most competitive man only helps to fuel me on! I gotta beat him at everything! It makes life intresting!

I reckon my mate knows me well. She knows that me being sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising at times, defiant and bossy means I will be right by her side backing her up till her nose bleeds if she needs me.She knows I will make her laugh when I think she needs to and will give it to her straight when she needs to hear it and that I'll happily wade in with a punch on her behalf if ever I need to! It's the way I am with everyone I love. It's also the way I am with the underdog. I'm a sucker for an underdog!

Yes, some would say these traits are bad things. Me? I like them. I'm no angel but who is?;)

But Hey let's remember I have a soft side too...I can be quiet, thoughtful, introverted and spiritual. I cry at X Factor for god's sake. I'm still scarred from Bambi's mother dying and I can't listen to Puff The Magic Dragon or Two Little Boys without welling up...in fact I get emotional when one of bairns loses a baby tooth! Ane these admissions have just taken away any street cred I ever had!

Och well.

Jenny xx

Caved In Again....

2007-09-11T10:49:00.000+01:00

Right so I came home from Florida and vowed I would not cross the Atlantic again until next years summer holiday (I've a feeling it'll be Florida again!). See since April 2004 I have been over the pond 9 times, having been 4 times to Florida, twice to New York and 3 times to Minneapolis. It might be ok if I was a business man going for work or if I was loaded and could jet off at will but I'm neither and given I'm not a fan of long haul flying and I can't really afford any more random trips to the States on a whim I decided to give it a miss till next year. A sort of self-imposed ban if you like!

Then my thoughts turned to Christmas and shopping and then in turn to proper cold weather and outlet malls and from there to cold, crisp days and freezing nights and to hot chocolate and cheap clothes and Macy's and Old Navy and Abercrombie and Fitch and Jimmy Choo and Juicy Couture and Christmas lights and parades and Chicken Fajitas in a downtown restaurant and a wee break from the kids and letting loose with my Mum and Sis and...and...well...I just...booked a wee flight across the Atlantic for December!! Oops!

To be honest it was looking at the pictures of previous trips that did it. Mum, Gill and I always have a laugh when we're there and it's the one time in the year we get to spend quality time just the three of us. Being ourselves instead of Mum, Auntie or Gran. Doing what we like, ripping the piss out each other (and Mum's driving skills), laughing at each others bra sizes (Mum buys them made to measure for a fortune, Gill buys them off the peg from the bigger sizes and I buy them from off the peg from the teenagers range! I'm not as well endowed as my Mother or sibling!)It's just chill out time when we can shop all day and kick back with a few vodka and cranberries over a meal at night. Oh and my Sis and I can con Mum into buying us things for Christmas that she wouldn't normally by appealing that we are her bairns!

So Minneapolis here we come for the fourth year on the trot. Now time to save the pennies to spend....which will mean no new shoes from now until then (well possibly a new pair of trainers!) but given my vast collection I have enough to go from September until December without wearing the same one's twice so I shoud be able to cope!

Course this all says a lot about me (apart from a love of shoes which borders on obsession). It says I am unable to stick to any sort of self imposed ban.

Jenny xx

While I'm Here...

2007-09-11T10:41:00.000+01:00

I back Miko.

What a fecking uproar over a dive. Yes it was against Scotland and yes it could have proved a blow to our hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 but...it didnae! All forwards do it. Yes it's cheating but hey look at Christiano Ronaldo or closer to home maybe Davie Weir or Gary O'Connor...both of whom cheated on Saturday.

Lithuania lost the game. We won 3-1. Miko dived. Big deal. If he does the same on the 17th October or 17th November against either Ukraine or France for Lithuania and they beat them he will be a national hero in Scotland.

Miko played better for his country than he has for ages in a Hearts shirt and had the better of Hutton from when he came on. More of the same on Saturday Miko son when Hutton comes calling with his Rankgers team mates!

I back Miko!

Jenny xx

No Smoke Without Fire?

2007-09-11T09:30:00.000+01:00

Back in may when little Madeline went missing my heart went out to her parents. Like any other right minded person. However, it nagged at me that they had left her alone in the first place but still I thought "well hard lesson learned there". That though was 3 months ago. In that time my opinion has changed somewhat. I'm still perlexed by the fact they left 3 small children alone and for several weeks now I have thought there was a damn sight more to this than meets the eye. Now we find the McCann family firmly in the spotlight as possible suspects. Could it be a case of no smoke without fire? My attitude changed within weeks of her disappearance. Let me explain why...

1)It's never acceptable to leave small children alone. Bad judgement? Yes. Bad parenting? Yes. Does it make them responsible? Yes. If they were working class parents from an inner city they'd have been slaughtered for it. Yet they have never, bar once, mentioned leaving her alone. They have never said it was silly or stupid or it was there own fault...surely any parent would?

2)If you were going to "steal" a child why would you go for the one who can talk and cause problems for you? The one in the middle of the bed? Why not take one of the younger ones? Think about it...you know this will be all over the news as soon as you've taken her. Why risk, if this is a straight abduction and she is alive, taking the one child most likely to say "where's my mummy?" in a public place.

3) It has become apparent the Maddie must be dead. The sheer volume of press would surely make it impossible for her to be alive. How did she get out Portugal? Let's face is she's highly unlikely to stil be there is she is alive. A small, blonde, english speaking child will stick out like a sore thumb over there now. So why are Kate and Gerry not willing to concede this? As before you could never risk taking Maddie out in public. She can speak for god's sake. It's too big a risk to take.

4) 3 year olds are not as daft as we think. We've seen it in the press often enough about wee scones who dial 999 to save Mummy or who have the ability to know their address. From the age of 2 a child has the mental ability to differ right from wrong. In this day and age it's few children who have not been told by their parents even at that young age about the dangers of strangers. In addition at that age children link to Mummy and Daddy in a big way. They do not have the ability to be concise in words but they certainly do possess the ability to cry, scream and stamp their feet when they are upset or want their Mothers. They do this even with people they knwo well when they want their parents. Maddie would surely have done this is she was alive. She would have, at some point, kicked off in a temper. Yet no-one anywhere in the world has seen it.

5) The timescale doesn't fit. The McCann's timing of their arrival is out of synch with another who attended the meal.

6)No-one knows when Maddie was last seen alive.

7) Kate and Gerry may well have the middle class stiff upper lip going on. Fair enough some people can control their emotions. I am one of them. I didn't shed a tear in public when my Father died. Alone though in private I was a wreck but I know this...controlled or not...if someone had one of my children I'd be freaking out. I'd be angry, I'd be emotional, I'd be scared, I'd be fearing the worst, I'd be out there looking, I'd be making threats of violence. In short my parental instinct would kick in. I've seen no evidence of any of this from either Gerry or Kate. Surely there is only so far a stiff upper lip can go? So we hear they cry at night...but where is the anger? Where is the emotion? Emotion is not just about crying. Even their pleas seem to lack emotion.

8) Sadly I know people who have lost a child. These people could barely function for weeks. Yes, tragically, they had clarity in that their child was dead but it doesn't detract from the fact that their was a gap in their lives which they could not accept. They dragged themselves through making plans, through visits from relatives and the grief of others and ultimately the funeral. Do not tell me it has not crossed Kate and Gerry's minds that there daughter is dead? Yet they seem to be carrying on with life. Facing the world with freshly washed hair and make up. Jogging round Portugal and jetting round the world (leaving their twins behind) to meet the pope, release records, distribute posters. I suspect the majority of us in the same position would be at best dishevelled, not quite as controlled and less inclined to leave our other children for a second. Their behaviour just seems to go against parental instinct. That thing inside you when you are a parent that just comes forward from the minute that child is put in your arms. That involuntary notion to protect, to love and cherish this little being. And most of all that emotion, panic and anger that comes from not having them there to protect, love and cherish. Or the guilt at not having done the job properly. Where is the guilt? I carry a guilt in me everyday that I did not manage to be there to save my Father. I'm not even his parent. I still wonder if I could have done soemthing even though I know I couldn't have. Where is the guilt? Where is the emotion that goes with it? Where is the "we're so sorry Maddie?"

9) The DNA? Well it an be explained away in a number of ways but let's think back...No confirmed sightings of the child. No witnesses saw or heard anything unusual. No-one able to confirm when Maddie was last seen. No-one went into the room to check them. The unlocked room. I know if I was checking my child I'd look in. Likewise if I was checking somene elses child. Otherwise why leave the door unlocked? Blood found in the room. Tiny specks. From where? How did they get there? Did Maddie fall? Had she cut herself earlier in the holiday?

10) Friends at the meal used the creche facility that night. Provided by the complex. There was also a babysitting service. Now even if you had to pay for it this is a couple who earn 6 figures a year or more. There is no excuse for not using it. Why didn't they? A witness has confirmed this was not the first night the children were left alone. Another has confirmed she heard Maddie crying and shouting out for her Daddy a few nights earlier while the McCanns were out. Yet on the night she apparently vanishes into thin air no-one hears anything? Are we supposed to believe that someone lifted a 3 year old child from a sleep, walked out a complex and took her with no-one seeing or hearing anything? That Maddie didn't wake and cry out or shout or struggle? Cause if she did then surely someone would have heard or saw something? And all this in the space of 10 minutes? Because apparently the McCanns and their friends checked every 10 minutes. Of course when Gerry went he was apparently gone 10 minutes and admitted to spending 6 of them chatting to someone. So 4 minutes from restaurant to apartment to check the children before chatting to this friend?

11)The McCann's firmly believe Maddie is still alive. So put yourself in that position. You're peaking to the press day in, day out for weeks in a bid to keep it in the spotlight, to keep yoru daughter in everyone's minds. You appeal to whoever has her to bring her back. Fair enough. However, given the massive press coverage and the fact your child is in every newspaper, on posters everywhere and on every tv set in the world is it not likey Maddie will see herself somewhere and ask questions if she is alive? Or say "Oh look there's me!" as 3 year olds do. Again it comfirms that anyone taking her with a view to keeping her alive would not be able to take her out, put her to school, to a doctor, to a restaurant. No-one is going to take that risk. She is no use to anyone who wanted to keep her alive. But...as her parent you are absolutely sure she is alive somewhere...does instinct not tell you to appeal to your daughter? To tell her you love her and want her home. That you didn't give her away, that you miss her and that you are doing all you can to get her back. Why have the McCanns not said any of this? Forget the advice they might be getting. Gut instinct and emotion sometimes overrules everything else. Not once have they appealed to their child directly.

There is a theory doing the rounds...

That the McCanns may have sedated the children to help keep them asleep while they were out. They return to find Maddie dead. They desperately ty to resusitate her but fail. It's not an out of this world theory. So what do they do? Their daughter is dead. They prescribed medicine they shouldn't have. They have careers and 2 other children. Do they risk losing everything? or do they cover it up knowing there's nothing they can do for Maddie now? It's not outwith the realms of probability if it happened a day or do sooner than we were told Maddie disappeared. They would have had time to for the meal alibi and to get rid of the body.

I'm not saying this is what happened. I'm merely throwing up the option. I sincerely hope they did not do it. They would instantly become the most hated people in the country. I hope Maddie is found...even if she is dead as horrible as that sounds...so one way or the other this can be put to bed. If the McCann's are innocent they need to get closure on this and if finding her proves they were involved then they need to be punished.

One things for sure...if they are innocent it's one of the first times there has been smoke without fire.

Jenny xx

Made Me Smile...

2007-08-28T10:27:00.000+01:00

I like to laugh. One thing that makes me laugh is life. Another is a sarcastic wit. Another still is a dry sense of humour. So it stands to reason I like comedians who base their act on nothing more than observing life and telling us about it...because let's face it...it's the everyday things that are funny.

I got sent this in an email and it made me smile. It's wee observations from a well known comedian...read it first and it'll tel you who it is at the bottom.

Irritations...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is? Em No.

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Yep it had to be really didn't it? It's Billy Connolly.

Jenny xx

Interviews...

2007-08-26T09:47:00.000+01:00

So I'm reading an article on the web about interviews for jobs. Apparently in a year or so's time 80% of vacancies in the UK will be filled using competency based interviews. You know the ones where you are asked the old "Can you give me an example of a time when you went out of your way to provide great service?" type thingys. One question for each of the competencies that go with the job.

It states that already across the UK almost every council uses this method to employ staff as do the majority of major retailers. Mmmm. Made me think did that.

What happens if the job you are applying for is, say, Lollipop Lady (which is obviously called something posh now like Childrens Traffic Safety Officer or some such nonsense). What do you do then? What competencies do you need to display?

Interviwer: "Can you give an example of a time when you have safely managed to stop traffic?
Candidate: "Well aye. I once went to a crossing, pushed the button and waited on the green man before proceeding across the road in a safe manner making it to the other side in one piece"
Interviewer: "Excellent. Now this job requires you to work in all weathers so can you tell us of a time you've had to cope with all weathers?"
Candidate: "Well I've lived in Scotland all my life so I'm used to getting four seasons in one day. I once went to Asda and it was sunny when I left, windy by the time I got there and it was raining when I came out and by the time I got home again it had turned to sleet but I still got my shopping in."
Interviewer: "Superb. You will appreciate there are skills required for this role, both mental and physical. What qualifications or skills do you have that you feel are suitable for this post?"
Candidate: "Oh I think I have all the skills required. Firstly I have a lot of experience in crossing the road and have been doing it since I was old enough to walk really. I learned my green cross code aged about 4 from seeing those adverts which had the boy who played Darth Vader in them and I've never been knocked down. I was a member of the Tufty Club at school and even got badges with Tufty and his pals on them. To this day I never cross a road without first saying to myself "stop, look, listen and think and never go between parked cars". I also know how silly it is to walk out from behind an ice cream van. In addition, I went to Blackpool once and got one of those really big loolipops and lifted it no bother when I was eating it so physically I think I'd be ok. I also really suit flourescent yellow."
Interviewer: "Great. Well thank you and we'll be in touch"

Or what if the job you are after is a wee part-time thing in a supermarket stacking shelves?

Interviewer: "Now organisational skills are very important to this job. Can you provide an example of a time when you've needed excellent organisational skills?"
Candidate: "Oh yes, I have 5 kids so every day is a fine display of organisation from me. I get them washed, dressed, fed and watered, schoolbags sorted, lunches sorted and out the door 5 days a week before 8:30am"
Interviewer: "I see. Good. What about visual display skills? Can you give me an example of a time when you have gone that extra mile to make sure something looked just right?"
Candidate: "Well you should have seen my Christmas dinner table settings. They were fabulous. All co-ordinated in Gold and Green and Red. It took my ages to get everything just right but everyone said how lovely it looked"
Interviewer: "Splendid. A major part of this role involves flexibility so for example, from time to time you may be required to go onto tills if it gets really busy. Can you provide an example of a time when you've had to be flexible and change your plans at short notice and how you dealt with this?"
Candidate: "I'm very flexible because I've done yoga for years and I used to go to gymnastics as a child. Oh I see what you mean! Silly me. Well yes I do have an example. Once I was supposed to meet my Sister outside Debenhams. We chose Debenhams becuase I wanted a new Lipstick and a fascinator for a wedding I was going to and they have loads in there, anyway my Sister rang my mobile when I was on the bus and said she could we change it to meeting outside Boots instead because her daughter had nits and she needed to get lotion for her hair. Of course being a flexible sort of person I said yes and I just got of the bus a stop earlier. We got her nit lotion and I got a Lipstick in there instead which was on offer and then we went onto Debenhams and I got a lovely pink fascinator to match my dress for the wedding."
Interviewer: "Excellent! Well thank you and we'll be in touch"

It's a bit daft really isn't it? I've done 2 interviews like this in my lifetime (I got the job both times I might add) but then in all honestly it's kind of hard to screw it up if you have the ability to think on your feet. I mean seriously 99.9% of people who go to an interview lie at some point and in competency based interviews you just lie a bit more don't you? Oh aye I once had to deal with a really bad customer who came in and pointed a gun at me and said he was was kill us all but I listened to his issues, spoke to him in a soothing manner and by the end of it we were best friends and I got a big promotion and a big bonus in my wages and everyone loved me and now I'm gonna come and work for you and do the same thing.

It's all bollocks and this is how we end up with fuckwits who can't read or write or who do not have the slightest grasp of grammar in positions of power in this country. Yes the fact you can lie your way into a job may help someone climb a ladder who deserves it and can do the job but it also aids the retards with smart mouths and nothing else to offer the same chances. It's all screwed up I tells ya!

Jenny xx

First Up...

2007-08-26T09:35:00.000+01:00

This Blog is now officially a football free zone. Football is a game which is no longer aloud to be discussed on here. The actual thing of kicking a ball about with the object of scoring goals is no more on here. There will be no more talk of happiness in the stands or trips to away grounds or details of delightful goals or skills witnessed. Football is now banned here on this blog.

Luckily for you all though this ban will not affect my coming on here and writing about Heart Of Midlothian FC, the team that I personnally choose to support. How can this be? I hear you ask. Simple, so far this season Heart Of Midlothian FC have not played any football nor anything remotely resembling football.

Therefore until they do the ban will obviously not apply to them. It is my humble opinion that it will be a fecking long time before the football ban affects the current Heart Of Midlothian FC team...bunch of useless tossers that they are.

Jenny xx

Woo Hoo...

2007-08-02T19:34:00.000+01:00

In just a few short days the Scottish footie season returns!!

Monday night I shall be in section G at my beloved Tynie to see the Hearts demolish the Hibs. What a perfect way to start a season!

The old appetite was whetted on Saturday when we headed to Muddyfield to see Hearts play FC Barcelona in a friendly. So we got beat but who cares? It was Barca, it was Ronaldinho, it was Thierry Henry, I got blisters on my feet from my new trainers...

Jenny xx

Jeez...

2007-08-02T19:28:00.000+01:00

Well I knew there were some strange folks in the world but who knew they'd all be in Edinburgh on Thursday 2nd August? Is it officially "wierdo's day" and no-one has told me?

I only ask because I seem to have spent most of today surrounded by, dealing with and generally having to interact with stupid people.

In fact maybe today was "cannae hear you" day. Yeah that's probably what it was judging by the number of times I've had to repeat myself today!

"What part of no don't you understand?" and "And that's my problem how?" are my most used phrases today.

Just another day in the life of a working Mum.

Jenny xx

Happy Birthday...

2007-07-31T11:36:00.000+01:00

July has been a busy month birthday wise for me. Firstly a big Happy Birthday to my boy who has gone from being 6 year old to being 7 year old last Thursday in a haze of Scooby Doo, Transformers, PS2 games and Lego...yes Lego, how very retro!

Also Happy Birthday to Mike who was a year older on the 12th and to my big bairn Siobhan who was a very old 19 on Sunday in a haze of money and perfume! 10 year old was very chuffed to at last be buying a card with sister on it after all these years!

Happy Birthday Ya'll.

Jenny xx

It's All In The Sky...

2007-07-31T10:59:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I looked up at the sky and there was a big dinosaur looking back at me. A few days ago when I glanced up I saw a wizard complete with pointy hat in the sky. In Florida I saw a witch on a broomstick heading across the sky far above me and only this morning I saw something that clearly resembled an elephant right above my back garden.

Now you'd be forgiven for thinking I've gone a bit loopy but I've not. You see all these images were made from clouds.

I was lying there a few weeks back on my holibobs looking up at the sky just watching the clouds pass over head (as they do around tea time in Florida in July just before the rain and thunderstorms hit) and I spotted what looked like a dog. A few days later (and bizarrely just after the radio had issued a tornado warning!) I saw a witch on a broomstick overhead (how very Wizard Of Oz!!) and it dawned on me how good clouds were.

We all did it as bairns didn't we? Looked up at the sky and saw things in the clouds. Well I have come to the conclusion that we should do it more. Why? I'll tell you why. It's theraputic. So you're a bit stressed out, you've been busy all day or you're just plain knackered. Go out and lie on your back in a nice spot and look up at the clouds in the sky and let your mind wander (course this will only work if there are clouds in the sky...otherwise it defeats the purpose!). Chances are that within a few minutes you'll see some image or another up there and you will just smile. I don't know why you smile but you just do. 15 minutes lying there and you'll feel relaxed and happy just watching the clouds go by. It's free therapy! It just makes you feel a bit happy and calm.

Clouds are great. So there.

Oh and while we're on a bit of "make yourself more happy" therapy here's one for you blokes to try...Next time you feel a bit pissed off bear this in mind.

When you are at work/out/whatever and you find yourself talking to a female colleague/friend/whatever think to yourself "I have a lovely penis you know" (change penis to your prefered word for it!) and you will find that you just smile. Not only will you just smile but you feel a slight sense of childhood silliness as well which will make you smile even more. Add to that the fact that the female will probably have no idea why you're smiling and the feeling of silliness will just increase.

Yes we're adults with responsibilities ans shit but sometimes when we're dealing with these responsibilities we just need to reconnect with ourr inner child and let loose for a minute or two.

You can't beat a smile to make you feel a bit better.

Jenny xx

Still On America...

2007-07-19T01:47:00.000+01:00

But on a different note...

It seems some random no good terrorist folks attempted to do bad deeds in Scotland whilst we were overseas. Most Americans who spoke to us or asked us about it where genuinely concerned and said they were glad it hadn't been much worse. However I got this by email while I was gone and although it's poking fun at the Americans it did have a slight ring of truth to it and made me laugh!

Terror Attacks. The USA versus Scotland.

So they came to Scotland and tried to do us a damage. Imagine if they'd done the same thing in a US airport. Here's some how the eyewitnesses from each country would have reacted.

American: "Oh my god! There was a guy on fire and I was just so scared. He was just running about the place on fire and I was so scared and it was all crazy and I thought I was gonna die!"

Scot: "Some guy wis oan fire and running aboot the place goin' mental so when he came near me I just gave a stiff kick and then decked him. Tosser"

American: "I just wanna get home. It's so scary to be here right now. I don't want to be near an airport or a plane. You just don't know if it's safe"

Scot: "Ah'll tell ye this. I'm no fecking leaving here till I get oan that plane tae my holidays"

American: "There was chaos everywhere. No-one knew what was going. We were just so scared and people were just running all over the place. We could have died"

Scot: "Place wis in an uproar man. Folk running aboot and that so I took my family up tae the bar and got a pint in till it aw calmed doon again"

American: "We thought he was gonna blow us all to kingdom come. He was on fire. He had a gas canister in his hand. He was trying to get into the trunk. It was real scary. We thought we were gonna die. We just ran for our life. I thank sweet jesus I'm still alive to tell the tale"

Scot: "There wis a boy on fire and he hud this gas thing in his hands and he wis trying tae open the boot o the car an that but he couldnae dae it. He wis shouting stuff and that so I went over and gave him a kick in the baws and then hooked him one tae shut him up. He didnae shout so much efter that"

American: "There was a huge explosion and we were so scared. I just ran for my life. I thought we were all gonna die. I grabbed my cell phone so I could ring my Mom and say goodbye. I thought we were all gonna be dead"

Scot: "There wis a big bang. It wis loud likes. I jumped a bit like and spilt some irn-bru on ma polo shirt"

American: "I'm feeling very traumatised and very upset right now. I'm not sure I'm up to talking about this right now. I seriously thought I was gonna die. I'm probably gonna need counselling"

Scot: "Aye I'm happy tae be interviewed pal but gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear cause if ahm gonnie be on the tele ah want her tae tape it like"

Course these are all fictional quotes but here are two real ones...

John Smeaton, who was actually on the scene and helped to restrain one of the terrorists was interviewed by several news programmes. During his interview with ITN News the interviewer asked John: "What message do you have or the bombers?" John replied "This is Glasgow. We'll just set aboot ye" and when interviewed for CNN News John was asked how he restrained the terrorist. John replied "Me and other folk were just tryin' tae get the boot in and some other guy just banjoed him".

Absolute class.

Jenny xx

Rip Off Britain...

2007-07-18T22:55:00.000+01:00

You know us Brits are royally ripped off. Everytime I go to the States it gets my back up at how fecking expensive everything in this country is. Let me show you what I mean...

I went to a store in Florida and made a few purchases (from the receipt which I kept) which were as follows:

4 pairs of boys jeans
1 denim jacket
4 adult hooded sweatshirts
1 pair mens cargo shorts
4 mens t-shirts
2 mens polo shirts
3 pairs ladies jeans
2 ladies casual tops
1 ladies long sleeved top
2 boys shirts
1 pair girls trackie bottoms
1 mens shirt
3 boys t-shirts
1 girls t-shirt
1 pair boys cargo pants

The total? $220. Or in pounds at the current exchange rate £113. I say again, £113. Now this wasn't some discount American outlet place this was a regular store on a par with somewhere like Debenhams here. Would I have gotten that much in there for £113? I don't bloody think so.

Let's take it a bit further will we? Say I wanted a new Toyota Rav 4...well here in the UK I'm looking at a base price of £19,999. If I bought the same base model in the states it'd be $21,686 or £10,870. For the same car? How can that be right? Or how about if I wanted a new washing machine? Maybe Whirlpool one with 12 settings for example. Well the price would be £422.99 or maybe I should pay $229.99 (£117) for the same one in the USA!

It does my fecking head in. Really it does. A flight from Edinburgh to London advertised today £189 return. A flight from Minneapolis to Orlando advertised today $110...double the distance and with the same air carrier but half the bloody price. Road tax? Nah, toll roads to pay as you go and if you don't use the route you don't pay. Discounts on attractions near you because you live there? Yes. $49.99 for an annual pass into the water park. Us? One day a year when the castle is free. Food? Don't even go there. TGI Fridays are offering a apecial deal just now... 2 courses for £10.99. TGI Fridays in Kissimmee? 2 courses for $10. Same food, different country.

As for Petrol? Do you the Americans are having a shit fit because their gas is up to $2.99 in places? That of course is a gallon though and not the hideous 89p per litre we pay here. Now fair enough in our gallon there are 4.54 litres and the US gallon only 3.78 liters but do the maths...4.54 litres here (litres are standard measure universally) would cost £4.04. So $2.99 for 4.54 litres seems like an absolute bargain. Here we accept the expense meekly with our usual stiff upper lip and British "let's take it on the chin" attitude yet in the States truck drivers are suing for millions in lost gas because at anything over temperatures of 64 degrees the gas expands and they are losing 0.4 of a gallon each time they fill up in hotter states and big haulage firms are suing for loss of earnings due to soaring gas prices. You wouldn't mind but damn me if we can't see fecking oil fields from the coast of Aberdeen! Yes I know that's bollocks and it doesn't matter that we have our own oil but it didn't stop the SNP using that little fact as part of their manifesto did it? Nor did it stop thousands of numpties voting for them either.

House prices? Another fecking bone of contention. $300,000 will buy you a 5 bedroom, fully furnished (and by fully furnished I mean right down to the lamps and cushions of your choice), decorated, new built detached home with a pool, 2 car garage and 3 bathrooms. That's £160,000 there abouts which if you're lucky will buy you a 2 bedroom flat in a stair in Edinburgh which may have a white bathroom suite instead of an avacado coloured one and if your dead lucky double glazing and central heating but you will have to pay and additional £700 per year for a parking permit to get your car outside.

As that chicken thing Caba-whatsit would say "Eeets an injusteece".

Pfft. Rant over.

Jenny xx

And So It Is...

2007-07-18T22:34:00.000+01:00

That my 3 weeks in sunny Florida comes to an end.

"Ladies and Gentleman this is the flight deck again, we will shortly be commencing our descent into Edinburgh airport and have been cleared for landing. Current weather conditions in Edinburgh for our landing will be cloudy skies with some showers and the current temperature is about 15 degrees celsius or 59 farenheit. Please return to your seats in preparation for our landing. Thank you"

15 fecking degrees? I will admit to making a highly audible sigh when I heard that. Home sweet home indeed. I'd just spent 21 days hearing "Well it'll be another warm day here in central Florida with temperatures around 94 tomorrow but when you factor in the heat index it'll feel more like 104" from the very cheery meterologists on central Florida news 13 during their weather on the 1's updates! 15 degrees seemed positively arctic after that!

So we're home after a great 3 weeks which involved sun, fun, food and thrill rides and a few days lounging by the pool doing nothing with a book in hand which was bliss.

I did a fair bit of shopping...went out with 1 suitcase with clothes in it and 2 empty ones (one inside the other!) and returned with 5 full size suitcases, 1 hold all, 2 pilot cases, 1 vanity case and one back pack all full to bursting and a $100 excess baggage charge for being overweight! The weight limit was 24kg per case...4 of mine weighed in at 64kg each. Oopsy! But hey ho...America is the land of the free (or at the least the land of the very much chepaer than here (more on that later!. I have not looked at my bank balance nor do I intend to any time soon (although it's a fair bet my bank manager will be looking at it and shaking his head).

We are still in the realms of wacky jet lag/sleeping at the wrong time thing that happens when you return from the States but that'll pass by tomorrow so it's all good.

Jenny xx

Oh And Absolutley My Last Post Before I Go...

2007-06-22T23:05:00.000+01:00

I got my season tickets last Saturday! Yippee! Well actually I got 5 of them to be exactly! I am £1450 poorer but all the money spent at the club stays at the club so I like to think I've just paid for a toenail of a new player!

And anyway when us Jambos win the league this year it means I'm guaranteed to be there to see it!*

*Well you gotta have a dream eh?

Jenny xx

Oh Before I Go...

2007-06-22T22:58:00.000+01:00

A few wee jokes...

Camilla is speaking to the Queen. "You know Ma'am, everytime I suck Charles knob I get acid indigestion" The Queen looks at her for the briefest of moments and replies "Have you tried Andrews?"

Lothian & Borders Police have discovered the body of a man in the Forth. He was wearing a Hibs top, stockings, suspenders and had a dildo up his arse. The Police have removed the top to save his family any embarrassment.

A man was barred for life from his local swimming pool earlier this week. When we interviewed him he commented "Bastards! They have barred me from the pool. I was in my Speedos. How the fuck was I to know the S had fallen off? It's a bloody injustice!"

Jenny xx

Right Well I'm Away...

2007-06-22T22:42:00.000+01:00

I love it when a plan comes together!

Yep at long last, after hours of phone calls and internet trawling I have finally sorted out our holiday! On Monday we are flying to the sun. You may be surprised to hear we are heading once more to the Sunshine State of Florida for our holibobs...ok maybe not surprised as such and more not surprised at all!

Anyway as a wee treat (and thanks to having a wee windfall earlier this year...nuff said!) we are going for 3 weeks instead of the usual 2 which means more time to lounge about doing bugger all! We are also flying scheduled instead of charter which we've not done for a good few years now.

So here's home for the next 3 weeks...

I'm not likely to get back on here before I head off what with packing and shit still to be done so I will bid you farewell! Be good until I return.

Jenny xx

Inspiration Required...

2007-06-22T22:15:00.000+01:00

"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam" or
"I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head"

Ok so here's the deal. I have decided to get a wee latin phrase tattooed about my person. Now there's a fair chance that it will not be the one above...but it did make me chuckle when I read it and can you imagine how amusing it would be when someone asks what it means, fully expecting me to say something profound and me saying that instead?

At this early stage in proceedings I have no idea what I fancy getting...all I know is that it is going on my lower back alongside a design I already have there. I've been having a wee look about for something..."Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est" or "My God! I have an axe in my head"...mmmm tempted but perhaps that's not the one!

I'm thinking smething which reflects me and who I am..."Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis" sounds alright in Latin and "You do not know the power of the dark side" would be worth a giggle!

Ok so something which reflects me and who I am, something which reflects my life and my values maybe? Yeah that sounds deep and meaningful but then "quidquid latine dictum sit altum viditur" or "anything said in latin sounds profound"!

Seriously though, people I am seeking your advice on this one. If you can think of one then stick it here on the comments for us all to see. There's no pressure...but I feel it's only fair I tell you that the winning phrase so far is...

"Ego mos adepto vos meus pulchellus , vos quod vestri parum canis quoque"

You figure it out!! Course I may need to get a witch tattoo to go beside that phrase!

Jenny xx

This Blog Is...

2007-06-13T09:46:00.000+01:00

Being a bit neglected just now.

I am seriously struggling to find the time to write on here for a whole variety of reasons. Let me tell you what they are..

1) I have been working. 12 hour shifts tend to leave little time for sitting on here and chewing the fat. Especially when you are going from day shift to night shift in 24 hours!

2) I have been trying to organise quotes for my building work. We've been working out what we want done and then trying to source quotes and companies to do it! It looks as though we are about to refit the upstairs bathroom, the kitchen and put on a sun lounge to the back, as well as a bit of basic stuff like decoration and taking out the wooden floors...I'm now toying with knocking out my stair wall to one side to make the back of the house open plan! So over the next few days I've got a pile of workmen heading out to see me!

3) I have been trying to arrange our holiday. This has been a shedload of work given it's not a basic package holiday so I've had to book the flights, accommodation and car hire seperately. It's been no easy task getting flights at this time of year either given it's trades fortnight (traditional local holiday time here in Edinburgh) when we are travelling. However, by the wonder of being me I have managed to secure flights, booked the villa and sorted the car so we're all set. In less than 2 weeks we will be heading out to sunny Florida for 3 weeks of sunshine and relaxation! We're going via Atlanta so I'll get to see the inside of yet another American airport! For the first time in over 5 years there will be just me, him and the kids going. I'm quite looking forward to it being just us for a change...3 weeks though? Well we'll either enjoy it or kill each other!

4) I've been spending a hideous amount of time playing Mafia on Kickback...again!

5) I've been meeting up with friends old and new for a beveridge or two. In fact for the last 3 weekends I've been out on the lash! Last game of the season was at Killie so I headed through for the day with my mate Beverley (Better Half was working!). We were in the pub from 9am so it was budweiser for breakfast and I called it a day (or should that be night?) at 10pm. The following weekend was Gill's birthday (details of which have already been made public!) and when Saturday rolled round again I was out with some like-minded individuals (ie fellow Jambos from Kickback) for drinks. We kicked the night off in The Westfield where there was much singing, drinking and general gibbering done with faces new and old before heading 'up toon' to a bar in the Cowgate to keep the alcohol levels topped up! Suffice to say the end of the night involved a journey in a rickshaw, sitting on an ancient landmark waiting for a taxi and getting home in the wee small hours! Still it's all good!

6) I've been trying to sort out tickets for the Hearts v Barcelona game at Murrayfield in July and make a decision about season tickets for next year as well!

7) I've been spending a bit of time on my Bebo page talking nonsense with various folks! Feel free to go and have a wee look if you like by clicking here . Or bunging in the user name Jennyjambo to the search facility.

In addition to all the above in the last couple of weeks, the end of term is again fast approaching and with it sport's day, end of term trips and general nonsense. In fact sport's day should have been on now...but this being Scotland, it's raining so it's cancelled!! It will be 'reviewed' at lunchtime!

So that's that then. I'll away and get on with something useful now.

Cheery Bye.

Jenny xx

Friday...

2007-06-05T11:13:00.000+01:00

Ok so now Ross has posted about Friday (which you can read about here) I feel it's only fair that I share my recollections with you all as well!

As you may have gathered Friday was the night of my Wee Sis's 30th birthday which to be a bit different was fancy dress. I appeared in my 80's gear looking like a total muppet along with my surfer dude Better Half, my T-Bird son and my pink lady daughter and spotted Ross and Yvonne already sitting with drinks in hand and smiles on faces. Minutes later Ross was at the bar and we hit the road to oblivion...

Now being someone who doesn't suffer when she drinks and always has total recall I have no blank spots...but having total recall and no hangover doesn't mean I wasn't ever so slightly smashed! So in a similar vein to Ross, here's my memories...

Drinking (despite my initial protests) shots of Aftershock within 30 minutes of arriving.
Telling my friend in front of her new boyfriend whom I'd only just met for the first time "Oh he's nowhere near as short as I thought he'd be. I was expecting a dwarf!"
Spending the best part of 20 minutes trying to bluetooth a video to Scott from my phone. Two drunks trying to work technology is never a good idea!
Having 4 drinks in front of me and arsing them quick style after being accused of lagging behind.
Disscussing the finer points of Ross' sex life and his principles of not sleeping with married/taken women.
Ross then telling me he'd do me if I wasn't with Better Half. (Oh yes you did!!)
Refusing point blank to walk to the bank with Ross half way through the night giving my reason as "I'm walking nowhere dressed like this and certainly not in 4 inch heels!".
Telling my friends new boyfriend that he better be nice to her in that "big sister" way you do.
Telling my friend she should be nicer to him cause he seemed a nice lad in a similar way.
Removing my skirt in the ladies because it was annoying me, folding it nicely and sticking it in my handbag!
Having an indepth conversation about draft lemonade and how it always tastes odd with a female in the cubicle next door to me as we both had a wee.
Telling Ross that he was trying too hard when it came to women. Explaining that the human hamburger would always pull over him because initially a relationship is based on lust and not poems and romance.
Being told loudly (as the music had stopped) by Ross that women were deep as puddles and we were all doomed!
Putting pink eyeshadow and mascara on some bloke during a game.
Slow dancing with Better Half and telling him if he was single I'd pull him.
Telling my sister and her pal they both loved a bit of grief and that if they smiled more they'd have less wrinkles.
Sitting on the toilet singing loudly and hearing a voice say "Jenny I want to ask you something. You'll know the answer" and replying "wait till I finish the chorus and I'm all yours".
Some horrid old man (who wasn't at the party) telling me he'd like to see my heels wrapped round his neck before wiggling his tongue at me and replying that if he wasn't careful he'd see my hands wrapped round his neck instead.
Drawing a sharp intake of breath as Ross reeled backwards towards the bowling green fearing the worst but seeing him saved by the ropes!
Telling Ross that due to his size and build it seemed likely he would have a small fat knob. (it's a wee personal joke)
Taking my step daughters boyfriend's mobile from him mid call and chatting to his friend Michael.
Dancing to Loch Lomond (that end of night thing) and Scott telling me that they were gonna play The Proclaimers next and how I wasn't getting to sit down and would have to dance to it and feeling the blood supply to my hand stop as he gripped it super tight so I couldn't escape!
Dancing to The Proclaimers and declaring to Scott "Us Jambos will dance to your Hibby songs because we are a better class of person".
Being a tad amused to see Better Half (who usually does not dance unless threatened) dancing away, on his own, in his flip flops to The Proclaimers and singing loudly but using swear words and sticking in the word Jambo's at every opportunity.
Meeting Karen and telling her that when our kids were at Nursery together a few of the parents thought she had cancer and was bald because she always wore a hat.
Losing a shoe and telling Better Half to find it as I loved those shoes and I would be devastated if I had to go home without one. All while pouting like a child.
Walking out the club and stopping for a chat with everyone outside for 15 minutes and at one point sitting down because it seemed like a good idea. Then asking a hideously drunk Ross to pull me back up. It could have gone very wrong but luckily it didn't!
Getting a taxi home (£27 robbing bastards) and getting into bed at about 3am and listening to Better Half puke for a while before falling asleep and leaving him to it!
Waking up at 8am, looking in the mirror and for a split second wondering if I had been in a fight before realising the blue tone round my eyes was last nights eyeshadow!

All in all it was a no bad night really.

Jenny xx

Attention...

2007-06-03T14:11:00.000+01:00

A request has been made from up on high that anyone booked on a flight from Glasgow to Florida in the last week of June (i.e from 23rd onwards) cancel their flight immediately if not sooner.

This is for real. It's no joke. Apparently unless all you people booked on flights from Glasgow to Orlando cancel them right this minute there will be a war.

It's all down to the fact that some woman in Scotland can't get a flight out in the last week in June and if she doesn't get one soon she is going to start a bloody riot cause she needs a holiday! Rumour has it that this female will soon begin to stamp her feet, scream and generally cause a nuisance if she doesn't get her butt on a plane in the last week of June or first week in July for at leats a period of 14 nights. So if you all cancel yours then she can have her seats and world peace will not be threatened.

You have been warned.

Jenny xx

Well Looky Here, She's Back!

2007-06-02T13:35:00.000+01:00

I've not been on here for while. See I've got this new, fantastic website up and running elsewhere on the net now...I can slag folk off to my hearts content! Only kidding I've not really but I bet one or two of you were starting panic!

I've not been here cause I've just been hideously busy. Hideously? What a funny word to have used. Anyway, oh you know what? I'm gonna do this later because right now I am being distracted big style...

I'm lying on the sofa on the laptop. Better Half is lying on the sofa opposite me. Out the corner of my eye I can see his head moving. It's doing that nodding thing that heads do when you're falling asleep...and he's quietly snoring as well...but he's still clutching onto his can of Red Bull. Bless he's hungover!

I'll come back when he's woken up and I'm not constantly looking over to see if he's spilt the Red Bull over his stomach!

Jenny xx

Here's Hoping...

2007-05-14T21:47:00.000+01:00

Like all right minded people I am hoping that little Madeline McCann, the little girl abducted in Portugal whilst on holiday, is returned to her parents safe and sound.

Right now her parents are living through all our worst nightmares. As a parent myself I can only imagine how they must be feeling. I've felt that heart-missing-a-beat feeling you get when you turn round and your toddler has vanished from sight...the flips in the stomach as you search for them. God only knows what that feeling must be like when you realise your toddler has been taken from you.

It must be even harder when you are in a country where you don't speak the lanuguage and where the police and authorities work in a way you are unfamiliar with. That wait for news, the feeling of uselessness you must have. My heart goes out to them. As I type this the Portugese police are searching a villa near to the complex where the family were staying.

Along with hoping that Maddie is returned safe I also hope that the circumstances which led to this horrible situation act as a lesson to all other parents. You just cannot leave your children alone in any type of accomodation, in any country, in any circumstances...even of you are only 400 yards away and go back to check every 30 minutes. Something Maddie's poor parents are sadly realising all too late.

Jenny xx

Fancy Dress....

2007-05-11T21:34:00.000+01:00

So my Wee Sis is 30 on the 1st June. She's having a party and has decided to go with fancy dress.

After much consideration I've sorted my outfit. I'm going as an 80's chick.

I've bought myself a t-shirt with Frankie Says Relax on it, very similar to the one I owned way back when! I've got my fluorescent beads, lace trimmed leggings, my tutu skirt and my black lace fingerless gloves. Today I bought a few extra accessories...some dodgy pink plasic hoop earrings, lumious pink legwarmers and a jelly bag...

Jelly bags? They are a real blast for the past. The most pointless bags in the whole world ever. Plastic with a mesh design they were all the rage back when I was in primary 6...I had a blue one as a schoolbag. You'd leave for school with a pile of pencils in the bag and get there and have none left because they'd fall out the bloody thing! And they were hardly made for Scottish weather...anything in them got soaked when it rained...you actually had to put all your stuff in a plastic bag and then put that inside the jelly bag!! Superb!!

Anyway I'm all set. All I need now is 3 cans of hairspray to make my big 80's hair on the night and a plentiful supply of eyeliner and blusher and I'm done.

I'll be sure to get a few photos and stick them on...there's a surfer dude, a vicar, a cowgirl, a few hippies, some t-birds, a tart, a saloon girl, a few pirates, some 50's rock and roller's, 2 blues brothers and various other characters due to go so it should prove intresting!!

Jenny xx

Last Thursday...

2007-05-11T21:26:00.000+01:00

Ross and I went out for dinner. It was a last minute decision and due to it being a nice night I suggested we hit a local pub which did grub and had a beer garden so we could sit out enjoy the evening sunshine.

However a quick glance in the bank for the both of us and we decided to upgrade to a meal in town and so we headed of to a restaurant which does chinese buffet. We filled our faces, talked non-stop, giggled like school kids, discussed the people around us (including the obviously gay Homie who seemed to have a severe case of unrequited love on his obviously straight mate) and generally whiled away a good few hours having fun.

There's nothing like having a male pal who you can be yourself with, chill with and who will join in when you sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight in car parks!

Jenny xx

Ooh I've Got Me Something New...

2007-05-11T21:17:00.000+01:00

I've been off here for a while. Part of the reason for this is that I've been indulging in an online game of Mafia: The Rivals on JKB which has been taking up loads of my time.

The second reason is because I've bought myself a new laptop and I have just remembered that I hate the keyboards on them because they are laid out differently to the standard desktop kind and I couldnae be arsed typing too much on it until I get used to it!

I'm gonna be having a wee practice over the next wee while so I may well be back later to fill you all in on my activities of late.

Jenny xx

Oh It's Good To Be...

2007-04-30T09:08:00.000+01:00

A party pooper. Yep in the immortal words of Britney Spears "Ooops we did it again".

After spoiling the Hibs CIS Cup win party at Fester Road on the 1st April us Jambo's managed to put a dampner on the Celtic League victory party at Darkheid yesterday with a nice 3-1 over them.

It was made all the sweeter by the fact we were give a penalty (nicely donated by the self styled Mr Hearts Steven Pressley). Penalties given at Darkheid against the 'Tic are few and far between. The last one being some 16 months ago.

We've had an up and down season us Jambo's and that poor spell back in autumn has cost us but we are the only team to have beaten Celtic twice this season and we are the only team to have put 3 past them (in fact we were the last team to put 3 past them as well with a 3-0 victory at Tynie exactly a year ago today).

Say what you like about Mr Romanov and his behaviour but these last 2 seasons have been the first I can recall were I have gone into games against either half of the Old Firm and not felt a draw would be a good result. We no longer fear them. And that has made a huge difference to us.

This season is all but over. But we're not in the place of playing games which mean nothing though. Nah the Jambo's like to take things to the wire nowadays and we're still in with a shout of disposing Aberdeen and stealing European football from them next season. We play them next in what is a massive game....just as we played them last season to clinch our Champions league spot. It's all still to play for!

'Mon the JT's!

Jenny xx

My Opinion...

2007-04-26T14:48:00.000+01:00

So Ross (all round good guy and great with oap's) and his sacking made it into the local press. Ross admits in the piece he regrets the whole episode and good for him that he seems to be big enough to admit that maybe he made some errors in judgement.

Now the thing is, I know first hand what Ross has gone through and how and why this all came about. You see I have been there and done that myself with the same people. Calm down readers (for readers - read members in high places within a certain establishment which has grass you can't walk on without special shoes)I am not about to spill all on what happened with me, but I am about to write a wee opinion and as they say on the news when they do the football scores, if you don't want to know then look away now.

Anyway my point is this, this whole mess (and believe me it is a mess) could have been sorted out with just a smidgen of common sense and a sprinkling of intelligence.

The Club has had it's name dragged into the press. There's a whole load of Bloggers who have read the piece and are now typing away on their own Blogs about the Club and what the decision means for Bloggers. In addition the comments left about the article on the paper's website show a number of people who are in support of Ross and it seems a fair few of them seem to be members. So in effect the Club, in their decision to sack Ross rather than try to handle and discuss the matter in house, have only suceeded in their actions to draw even more attention to the Blog and to heighten Ross' stature as a Blogger. I'm sure his stat count will show a fair number of new hits to the site over these last few days...I know mine's has rocketed since my own sacking. In effect then the Club have only gone and made the matter a hell of a lot bigger and more public that it ever needed to be.

Let's take it a step further. There have been comments relating to the article which have pointed out that Bowling is indeed a subject which is openly ridiculed. That fact cannot be disputed. Two out of the four comments which were highlighted as being offensive referred not to individuals but to a satirical look at the world of bowling and the people who participate in it. Top comedians take the piss out of bowlers all the time. Tv programmes have comedy sketches relating to bowls....take our very own Scottish made Chewin' The Fat as an example. They have featured a series of sketches in the location of "Mosspark Bowling Club" which takes the piss out of not only the pomp and ceremony of bowling clubs but also the punters who play the game and I'll bet my ass that the very same people who have caused such a fuss over Ross' comments sit in front of their tv's with a grin on their face while they're watching thinking to themselves as they look at the characters "Oh he/she is like so and so". It's a basic fact that bowlers get slagged. Here's a wee bit of proof for you...The following is an extract from an online chat on the BBC Scotland website featuring Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill (stars and writers of Chewin' The Fat)...

Question from Ian Bowie: In your new series have you done any sketches involving Mosspark Bowling Club?
Ford: Naw, we've switched it for a new source of material - the golf club. Cos there's just as many a**holes there as in a bowling club.

So are we imediately assume that Ford will now be barred from all Bowling Clubs across the country? I think not. But what he's saying is there's loads of arseholes in Bowling Clubs is he not? Well yes but it's funny cause he's a funny guy. So to is Ross. Granted two of the comments were ill thought but the other two? Read them. They're actually very good descriptive bits of writing and not, to any one with an open mind or sense of humour, offensive.

Fred: I think I might take up bowls
Harry: Naw pal I wouldn't if I were you. It's very dangerous.
Fred: Dangerous? How is it dangerous?
Harry: Buggered if I know but it must be cause someone dies every other week.

It's a running gag isn't it? Thing is I know a lot of bowlers and they are all able to take a bit of banter and laugh at themselves. If only the beaks at the Club had been able to do the same... If indeed they find comments about the age of bowlers and their uniforms and their sport offensive then perhaps it's time to drag Bowling (kicking and screaming if need be) into the 21st century and show us all that the ridicule, comedy and comments are not justified. Sadly while the beaks that control the clubs continue to throw hissy fits and take offensive to every little thing the comedy value will remain. This Club had a great opportunity to show itself as a modern thinking, breath of fresh air but didn't want to know. Damn it , how 21st century would it have been to capitalise on Ross (or myself) being Bloggers and asking one of us to set one up for the Club? A totally interactive area for the members, where club news and events could have been posted. It could have been a great addition to what is frankly a dull and unintresting club website.

Of course let's not forget a few fundamentals. In losing Ross the Club have lost a good barman. A popular barman. One who always had a smile for the "old farts" and a compliment to the ladies. A barman who knew their drinks orders before they had to ask and who knew how they liked it served. They had an asset there whether they want to admit it or not.

And they've lost that. Like they've lost other good staff over petty things which they refused to acknowledge or change. If I cast my mind back, even to 2 years ago, it makes for a strange picture. Back then this Club had a body of staff who worked well together. A team of Bar Staff that any owner of a Public House would have been glad to have behind their bar. A team of Bar Staff who regularly received praise from visitors from other club's and words of thanks from their own customers. Now? Well I can't comment first hand but given the amount of people who make the comment "It's not the same without X, Y & Z behind the bar" I am assuming there's something lacking. It's just another example of a loss of asset to the Club through silly decisions.

The membership are a great bunch. They have a great Club there. They deserve not to see it splashed about the press and dragged to court but to be able to rely on those they elect to run it for them being ready, willing and able to make good judgement calls on their behalf. I fear some feel let down badly by events over the last year, regardless of the outcome of Ross' Tribunal and that's a shame.

What's more of a shame is the fact that some of those who made the decisions were once people who both Ross and I would have classed as friends. They were not just employers but people we'd have sat with and had a chat and a drink. Sadly there can be no happy ending. There can never be the day where Ross and I are back behind the bar. There could though be the chance of conciliation and a chance to put all this behind us. That though would require those who make the decisions to loosen their ties and be big enough to admit that enough is enough.

I can't see it happening somehow. Another opporchancity lost.

Jenny xx

Read All About It....

2007-04-25T11:56:00.000+01:00

Read all about Ross and his sacking as well as comments from the esteemed public of the Lothians and beyond Here.

Jenny xx

Keeping Up Tradition...

2007-04-18T08:46:00.000+01:00

Saturday was a good day in other ways for me as well.

It was Grand National day. That day when everybody and their Granny picks a horse and heads to the bookies to stick their money on.

My Dad loved the horses. One of his legacies is that he taught me a bit about form and how to calculate odds and weight! This is right up there with him teaching me the finer points of the offside rule and how to arm wrestle!

When he was alive Dad tried on 2 different occaisons to go to Aintree for Grand National day. The first time he booked he had an accident a few weeks before the event, he tore his cruciate ligaments and damaged his knee so badly it ended up in him having to retire. Needless to say the trip was cancelled! The second attempt didn't happen either...that was the year it was cancelled due to a bomb scare and although he made it to the hotel near Liverpool he didn't actually get to Aintree!

This year Mum had booked to go with a load of pals. I'm pleased to say it was 3rd time lucky and she made it! So she has been able to tick that box on her To Do list!

So we, like millions of others, headed to the Cream Cookies (as my Dad would call them) and bunged our money on after a quick view of the form and headed home to watch the race.

I'd picked my usual 4 as had Better Half, with the kids picking one each based on nothing more than a number. The race didn't start well with one of mine going at the first fence. I was a bit pissed as it was one of my more faniced nags! Another, my outside shot, fell a few fences later and Better Half didn't fare much better when one of his went as well. 10 year old had picked one of mine...one of my fallers...so she was out and 6 year old's hadn't been mentioned, which gave the impression it was dragging up the rear!

Into the home straight though and it was all different. One of mine had hit the front but was tiring a bit and Better Half's was finishing strongly. They hit the finish line and I had gotten third at 33/1 with Better Half getting second at 14/1. As we'd stuck our bets on each way, we had a wee windfall coming back, in total it was £40. Not bad for a wee flutter.

I have a good wee history in the National. I can only recall one year when I haven't had a horse in the top 4. Saturday kept up my tradition of doing well!

Jenny xx

p.s Bizarre but true. I picked the horse that came second due to the fact that the jockey shares my married name and as such my daughters surname. It's not a common surname and so it catches the eye when you see it. My step daughter told me on Saturday night she won money back as well...she'd gone and backed the same horse due to the surname connection!

Blast From The Past...

2007-04-17T19:26:00.000+01:00

There's nothing like a wee blast from the past to shake away your cobwebs.

Saturday night, I'm bored out my skull. I've changed my bed linen in a vain attempt to pass 30 minutes or so, having earlier stripped it in a vain attempt to pass 30 minutes or so and I'm sat on the sofa looking at Dr Who thinking to myself "Where did I leave the sharp knife?" and seriously contemplating stabbing myself just to see if it's more fun.

All of a sudden the phone starts ringing. It's my friend Mary on the phone. Mary is the Mum (actually she's the Granny but that's a whole other story!) of my daughters pal. Daughter is currently round at Mary's, where she's been since Thursday night on a bizarre ever-extending sleep over! Mary sounds a bit breathless and launches into telling me what she's ringing for. We're on the phone for all of 3 minutes before I put it down. I'm in a bit of a state of shock. I explain the conversation to Better Half as I am raking in the fridge for a chilled bottle of wine. Minutes later I'm on my way round to Mary's with my wine in hand. Although to be honest I'm not heading for Mary's but rather for her friend's house which is where Mary is right now. It's only a few doors away.

The walk only takes a few minutes and on the way there my mind is wandering. I'm being transported back in time and memories are flooding my head. Truth be told I'm a bit apprehensive. I can hear Mary and her friend before I see them. I walk along the pavement and my pace slows down a bit. I take a deep breath and I'm there. Mary let's out a shout of "Hiya, have you come round to see me? I'm having a wee drink here with my pal. Do you want to join us?". Mary knew I was coming but this is all part of the pretence. Everyone is out on the doorstep. It's a lovely spring night and the sun is still out.

Mary's pal introduces herself and offers me a drink. I'm looking at who else is here. Apart from Mary and my new hostess there's 2 teenage girls. I look at them both and I find myself staring at one of them. I know instantly it's her. She's beautiful. Her face hasn't changed at all. I say hello as my hostess tells me their names and tells them mine. There's a flciker of recognition is her face as she hears my name. Nothing else is said and we launch into general chit chat as women do. There's no sign of my daughter or her pal until an hour or so later. Mary has spent much of the hour engaging me in conversation and looking a bit nervous. The pretence it seems is getting to her as well. My daughter and her pal make a brief appearance and then head away again. They go to Mary's house with a few more pals in tow to listen to music. A warning from Mary ringing in their ears that she can see right into her living room from where she is so they better behave.

Another hour goes by. The sun is setting and the vodka and wine have been flowing. Between us we've covered a range of subjects but the main one and the reason for my visit is left unspoken...for now. Another 30 minutes goes by and the teenage girl who I had caught myself staring at and who has since been staring at me when she thinks I'm not looking gets up to go to the toilet. "I take it she knows who I am?" I ask Mary. "Aye. I think she's sussed it out. It might be time to say something" she replies. I nod my head. Mary's pal nods as well "Aye. It's as good a time as any. It'll be fine she's as...". Mary interrupts with an over noisy "Ssshhhh" and points to the door.

The girl is making her way back down the stairs and is within earshot. She steps outside. I'm standing up and decide it's now or never. She's looking at me and pauses at the top of the steps as if she knows I'm about to speak. "I take it you know who I am?" I ask her. "Yeah I think so, I wasn't sure. Your hairs much longer" she looks a bit nervous. I laugh "You haven't changed a bit" I tell her "even in 10 years". She smiles. I ask her if she's met my daughter. "Yes" she says. "Does she know who you are?" I ask. I'm a bit nervous of the answer. "No, I haven't said anything to her" she replies. I smile and feel a wee bit relieved. "Well do you want to meet her properly?" I ask. She looks to the ground and I look at her face trying to read it, I am transported back a decade and I see a much smaller version of her in front of me, a little 8 year old who could be so shy and quiet. "Yeah" she replies in a voice barely more than a whisper. "It's up to you" I tell her "there's no rush. If you want to leave it to another time then it's fine." She looks over towards Mary's house "I'm fine with it really. I'm grown up as long as you think she'll be ok with it" she says. For the love of me I am struggling to see past the little 8 year old of a decade ago. "She'll be fine. She's been dying to meet you" I tell her. She nods at me and smiles. "I'll go and get her then".

I walk over to Mary's house and 10 year old is on the stair. I tell her there's someone I want her to meet. On the short walk back I point out the girl now sitting on the step and ask 10 year old is she's met her. She tells me she has. I ask if she knows who she is. She tells me she's a friend of the girl who lives there. I whisper to 10 year old that I know her as well. "How?" enquires 10 year old. We're on the path now and she's sitting in front of us on the step. There's no time to answer the question. 10 year old is a bit in front of me and her face is in line with the girls face. You could almost have heard a pin drop as everything went quiet. People round about seemed to be holding their breath. The two girls staring at each other for a second or so. I put my arm around 10 year old's waist and my face near to her ear, took a deep breath and said quietly "Honey, this is your big sister". The girl smiled at her and said hello. 10 year old smiled back. My apprehension disappeared. It was going to be fine.

And that was my blast from the past. My step-daughter. My 10 year old's big sister.

It's been a decade since I saw her last. I've seen her just once in those 10 years and that was only for a minute as she passed me in a shop about 6 years ago. She's now an 18 year old only a few months away from her 19th birthday. The story of why I haven't seen her is a whole post in itself but suffice to say that from the age of 3 until she was 8 she was a big part of my life. She was my first "bairn". One of the family. Her and 10 year old have the same Dad. Her mother was his first wife and I was his second. We would have her to stay every weekend and as often as we could outwith then such as holidays and the like. 1996 rolled round and 10 year old was born. We saw her only a handful of times after that and by the time 10 year old's first birthday came round her Mum had decided not to let us see her anymore. It was a sad time. I was very attached to her and that decision all those years ago meant that 10 year old has no memories of her sister...only photographs of the two of them together. I've been seperated from their Dad for nearly 8 years now although we are still married having never gotten divorced. 10 year old hasn't had any contact from him in 2 years. 18 year old hasn't had any since she was 8.

I looked at the two of them last Saturday night as they sat chatting and getting to know each other tentatively and I felt a sadness. Here were 2 beautiful girls. Both different (18 year old has blonde hair and blue eyes where 10 year old has dark brown hair and eyes...she looks a lot like their Dad) yet both similar as well and they had a Dad out there who didn't know what he was missing. A Dad who has at one time or another denied both of them and claimed they did not exist. Here were his two gorgeous daughters together for the first time in a decade and it was me there to see it and not him.

It's early days but there are plans in place for 18 year old (and her boyfriend who we met as well and who seems really nice) to take 10 year old out for the day in a few weeks to get to know her better. 10 year old is happy with that...especially when she heard they'd take her in the convertible!

I knew one day their paths would cross. I expected it to be at a funeral. A funeral for the man who doesn't want to know. I thought it would be a long way off in the future. It's happened now though. We'll take it a step at a time and see what happens...It's made me feel old....having a step daughter of 19 when your only 33 can do that!...but it's also made me happy to see her again.

Jenny xx

Blonde Ambition...

2007-04-12T19:00:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I decided to dye my hair blonde.

I've been colouring my hair since I was about 11 years old. Over the years I have been everything form platinum blonde to black and everything in between, including a spell with purple hair which occured by accident!

I have, as I got older, generally settled in the region of red. Naturally I'm a sort of strawberry blonde/auburny blonde colour but I like to emphisise the red in my hair. By emphisise I mean I dye it much redder than it is naturally. Watermelon Red, Copper Sunset, Autumn Red...all favourite shades! Last month I had a notion for a dark red so I promptly went out and dyed my hair. Thrity short minutes later and it was bye bye Watermelon Red and hello Chocolate Cherry, which was a brown/red/maroon colour. I liked it...but red hair is a pisser to keep looking healthy and the colour faded way too quick. It doesn't help that my hair grows faster then the speed of light and 3 weeks later I had one inch roots in my natural shade coming through.

My decision to go blonde was partly due to the fact it's nearer my own colour and partly due to the fact that I'm looking very pale just now and darker hair makes me look even more washed out. I slapped on a peroxide hair stripper and waited. One hour later I rinsed it off. Now I've done this before so I know how it works. I hadn't mentioned to my family though what happens when you try to strip red dye from your hair! They were in stitches as I emerged from the bedroom with my bright orange hair! You see red is bugger to get rid off and takes a couple of applications of peroxide before your done. Better Half didn't know what to do when I asked him what he thought of the colour. It took a few seconds before he realised it wasn't a finished product.

However, the laugh was on me in the end. I got through the stripping process and I'd bought a Honey Blonde shade to put over it. That worked a treat. Not. Instead of coming out a lovely honey colour like it said it would on the packet my hair went to a delightful bright ginger! For those of you in Scotland who know what I'm talking about, I'd call the end result See You Jimmy Ginger!! Definitely not the Honey Blonde I'd been after!

Now I'm not vain and I'm in no way precious about my hair, after all if you feck it up you can just cut the buggering stuff off or dye it again. I've never been one of those women for whom their hair is their crowning glory. My philosophy on hair is that it's there to be played about with. However, unvain as I am, I decided against going out myself to buy a new colour to put over my See You Jimmy Ginger, mainly because I didn't want to scare small children and because my hair was like straw...dying it 3 times in day can do that!...and my hair was at this point so straw like that I resembled Worzel Gummidge's sister. So I sent Better Half out to buy a new colour armed with instructions that it should be darker than my current colour and not a cheap brand other than that he was on his own and had free reign as to what colour it ended up. He returned in lightning time with a colour that I was reasonably happy with. He's good like that. I sent him for tampons once and he bought the right brand and absorbency without being told! He's a credit to his mother!

Thirty minutes, a good conditioner, a bit help from John Frieda in the form of some frizz ease, a blast of the hairdryer and a 20 minute session with my GHD's (the best hair straighteners in the universe) and all was well again!

So I'm not Honey Blonde but who cares? Blonde is so last season! I am now Coffee Delight. A nice warm brunette! My hair is silky smooth and so shiny people better wear shades to come near me! According to my magazine this week brunette is where it's at right now anyway. I haven't been brunette in about 6 years. Of course it means I can now change all my make up to suit my new hair! There's my cue to spend some money! Every cloud and all that!

Jenny xx

Not So Healthy Service

2007-04-11T23:23:00.000+01:00

Last week I had the pleasure of spending a night in one of our fine hospitals. To those of you now wondering, it was nothing serious. A re-occurence of an illness I had last year. To those of you who wish it had been serious...better luck next time!

Anyway suffice to say I had a bit of pain for a few days (I knew almost straight away what was causing it but to be honest I wanted to try and pretend it wasn't there!) and eventually decided to seek help. One quick trip to the docs later and I was heading to hospital with the words "emergency surgery" ringing in my ears.

Now I'm a fan of the Health Service, I mean there's not many countries left where you can get sick or injured and be treated without having to check your bank balance first to see if you can afford it. I'm also a fan of our underpaid and overworked nurses who are the backbone of the NHS. However, I'm not much of a fan of whoever dictates the policies they need to follow.

See I go to the Acute Receiving Unit and as I'm an emergency I'm seen straight away. So far, so good. I'm then put in a room which to be fair was minging in all ways from the mint green painted and badly flaking walls to the hairs on the floor which belonged to god knows who right through to the chipped tiles and horrible strip light. Anyway I digress, fact is the whole area was not really akin to making one feel better! A nice bit of paintwork, some pretty curtains and maybe a few fresh flowers about the place might do more good!

Surroundings aside, I'm instructed to strip off and put on one of those hospital gowns that tie up the back. Nice. Then it's the usual barrage of tests - pulse, blood pressure, blood sugar, temperature, heart rate before we get to the good bit when the Doc appears and decides he wants to run some blod tests. Sigh. There's a couple of reasons why this does my head in, a) I don't bleed well. I'm very tight about giving away my blood and it just refuses to come out without a fight. I mean stab me all you want but it'll be a while before I bleed...although to be fair once I start... and b) They can never, ever find a bloody vein. Which would make me a crap heroin addict I suppose. Anyway the cocky Doc goes in for the kill and lo and behold 5 attempts later (and 5 puncture holes later for me) he goes off and asks a nurse for help. She gets it first time. So Doc does his stuff drawing his blood from me and filling up his various tubes. I meanwhile come over all dizzy and sick and promptly pass out as he does so. Turns out (once Doctor Dimwit read my notes) that my blood pressure was down round my feet somewhere and that drawing blood at that time might not have been the best thing to do!

Now because I've passed out (albeit I came round in seconds) and because I'm a bit dehydrated they decide to stick a drip in. Anyone who knows me will tell you I detest getting this done. I have been known to leave hospitals because they've wanted to bung one of those damn needles in bits of me. However on this occaison because he's in the hole (so to speak) I let him get on with it.

Minutes later (and still none the wiser as to what they are planning on doing with me) I am stuck in a chair and wheeled out into the corridor and promptly dumped there. Still I'm not alone...there's about 30-odd other people sitting there too which was nice given I am wearing nothing but a bloody hospital gown and a pair of socks (that's a Thyroid thing...keep your socks on cause your feet get freezing!). Me and my drip are sat there alongside another 2 in similar states of undress.

Fifty-Five minutes later and I'm being moved to a ward. "Am I being kept in then?" I ask. "I don't know" is the reply. Helpful. Another load of tests later (all the same ones as before) and I'm all tucked up in bed. Still none the wiser as to why of course!

Anyway I'm in a room which has 3 other beds in it, all occupied. Next to me is an old woman, she looks like death warmed up and within 30 minutes of me being there she's moved away to another ward. Opposite me is another older woman. She's about mid 60's and is chatty and full of life. Turns out she has liver cancer and has had an op to remove a small non-cancerous growth in her abdomen which may have caused problems for her later. In the bed beside her is a woman in her 40's. She kind of freaks me out a bit. Now she seems nice enough and I'm sure in normal circumstances she's a lovely woman. However, she is in a fair bit of pain and is waiting for surgery and it seems to have affected her somewhat. She informs us loudly that she has an abcess just inside her anus. I'm thinking "ouch" when she says it, as given the look on her face it's gotta be hurting. Trouble is though she finds it most comfortable to lie with her legs wide open. Fair enough and all that but she's wearing the same hospital gown as I am and her preferred way of getting comfort is to be on her hands and knees on the bed with her knees as far apart as she can get them. Like I said she's probably far more dignified in other circumstances but really I could have done without her nether regions being on display at the same time as those who were not nil by mouth were eating their smoked fish in cheese sauce.

Eventually, the Registrar shows face. By now I have been given an injection to stop me getting a dvt in surgery and I have again asked the question "So what's happening then?" to the nurse but was met with a reply of "Oh haven't they told you? They're not very good at keeping patients informed are they?" which didn't really help.

The Registrar, accompanied by 6 flunkies, checks me out and informs me he will be taking me to surgery later that night. Well now I know! He goes on to tell me it will be an "exploratory operation" to see if they can find the root of the problem and fix it. He procedes to tell one of the fulnkies to mark a spot on my back with felt pen so he can find it later! I ask what he means by an "exploratory operation". He tells me he's going to cut me open and have a look and if he finds what he's looking for then it's all good and he'll fix it, if not he'll try again in a day or so before comfirming to me that the surgery (when he does find what he's looking for!) will be "fairly extensive but relatively simple" and will mean a removal of a wider area of tissue. "But you're not sure what your looking for or where it is?" I ask, more than a little bemused by his tone. "No, but we'll keep digging until we get it" is the response. I think not. "Nope, not having it, sorry. If your going to be cutting me open then I'd prefer you do it just once and get it done right first time" I tell him. He looks a bit puzzled. "Ok, we'll leave it for now and re-assess you tomorrow and in the meantime we'll give you some antibiotics and pain relief". Whatever. And with that he's off, still holding his felt pen in his hand.

Later that night as I'm no longer being wheeled to surgery they move me to another ward, me and my drip that is. See I'm still having bags of fluid pumped into me every 2 hours, which worries me ever so slightly because I am now swelling up something rotten and seem to be retaining fluid all over the place...and quite frankly I am peeing for fun...which is another hassle as I am now at the total opposite end of the ward from the loo (one toilet and 12 beds, that is just wrong!) and I need to call a nurse every time I want to go because I am hooked up to this drip which is plugged into the wall and won't come with me to the toilet. Still I'm in a room on my own now and I've got a tv so I mustn't grumble! On the upside they had officially told me at 7pm that I could now eat and drink again, which was nice as I hadn't eaten anything since 9pm the night before and I was now starving. On the downside they didn't have any food to give me as I'd missed dinner...cue a text message to Better Half demanding he come for his visit bearing a sandwich!

The following morning I am awoken at a hideous hour (5.30am), after a night of interrupted sleep getting up and down to the toilet, fighting with my drip which didn't extend to let me sleep on the side I normally do and being woken every time one of the nurses came to give me a new bag of whatever it was..oh and being woken to ask if I wanted pain killers...em I'm asleep so why not just leave me? Following that I was given a cup of tea for breakfast because I hadn't been in the day before to order my breakfast (?) and so they had nothing to give me. Superb. I spend the next few hours playing deal or no deal on my phone and shouting abuse at Noel Edmonds everytime I blew the big money. By now (9am) I am seriously swollen from all the fluids they've been giving me and a nurse finally decides enough is enough after I show her my massive, puffy, swollen hand and ask her if she thinks I am still dehydrated! So it's goodbye drip and hello toilet without the need for assistance! They leave the needle in place though just to piss me off.

At 10.30 the consultant strolls in, with his various flunkies. He looks the business, all suited and booted and he looks well over 18 which is always a bonus, unlike the pre-pubescent looking Registrar I had encountered the night before. Anyway he asks how I'm feeling. Sore. Says he thinks surgery is an option but would like to see how IV antibiotics work for 3 days. Oh shit. He says he can't see any reason to rush into "extensive" surgery and tissue removal before giving other options a chance to work. I like him. He explains the recovery time would be about 8 weeks and after surgery I could be looking at 3 days in hospital and explains why he feels this doesn't warrant "just digging in without knowing where or what we might find". I'm liking him more although a bit pissed at his 3 days of antibiotics by drip decision. Anyway he tells the nurse to continue with the IV antibiotics, she pipes up to tell him I'm actually getting oral antibiotics just now and not IV ones. "Do you have kids?" he asks me. Yes. "It's Easter Sunday this weekend" he says. Yes. "Now regardless of your religious beliefs that is at least a day for families to be together and eat chocolate". Yes. "Why the hell should we confine you to bed for observation then, Who are we to keep you here when you could be eating chocolate eggs with your kids? You seem like a clever woman". Thanks. "I imagine you know that if the pain gets worse you should return immediatley and I will perform your surgery same day don't you?" If you say so. "So I say we let you escape from this dreary room with the ward telephone number tucked in your pocket, a plentiful supply of painkillers and oral antibiotics and with a promise from you that you return as soon as the pain gets any worse". Great idea. And he walks out the room with a big smile to me and a nod of the head. I am liking this man heaps and plenty!

2 hours later and the needle is gone, I'm dressed, tablets and phone number in hand and I'm heading for the hills...and the fridge cause I'm starving!

Since my release last Friday I've had the sorest pain ever. However, I made a decision to try and bear with it to see if the antibiotics would do the trick and Hey Presto they seem to be doing their stuff. A week later I am almost pain free and able to drive, sit and stand with very little discomfort. I'm putting part of my recovery down to being surrounded by nice paintwork, pretty curtains and fresh flowers of course. Cheery yellow Daffodils. That's the secret. I may just send some to the hospital to put in that dreary, minging little room.

Jenny xx

Happy Birthday To Me...

2007-04-02T11:04:00.000+01:00

Happy Birthday To Me,
Happy Birthday To Me,
Happy Birthday To Meeeeee,
Happy Birthday To Me!

In case you didn't notice, it's my birthday today! I am 33 years young but after my birthday celebrations yesterday I feel about 19! Haha...you were expecting me to say I felt about 50 weren't you?? No sir, not me. Yes I indulged in a few birthday beveridges yesterday but I don't do hangovers!

As I was 33 and that's not a "special" age I only had a small party with about 2800 people there this year. Saying that 32 is not a "special" age either and I had about 40k at that party...but there comes a time when you need to start downsizing your birthday celebrations!

Yes you've guessed it....this years birthday was celebrated with my fellow Jambos just like last years! Last year I was at Hampden for the Scottish Cup semi final against the Hibs. In case you have forgetten we beat them 4-0 and went on to win it.

This year I took a look at the fixture list and saw we had the Hibs again only this time in the league at Fester Road. I haven't been to Fester Road in about 8 years (partly as a matter of principal cause they are robbing barstewards) but I made an exception yesterday. £125 for 5 tickets (see robbing barstewards £25 for a 6 year old!!) but the old birthday/having the Hobos again was just an omen and I felt we had to be there.

Hibs had planned a party at full time. They were planning on parading their small cup. Hearts haven't won at Fester Road in 4 and half years. They were on a high. We were on a downer after our last league result. The scene couldn't have been better set for a high volume, emotional derby.

The Hearts fans were in full voice from the off and we were all feeling happy enough at 0-0 when half time came. The second half began with the Jambos again in full voice. Then 81 minutes...a feck up by the Hibs keeper and Zaliukkkkaaaaaasssss!!! Goal!!!! That was that. The Hearts end went mental! The other 3 sides of Fester Road in complete silence! It was party central after that with the Jambo lads and lassies singing themsleves hoarse! Despite the Ref's best efforts to help them all day Hibs just couldn't do it. The whistle went and the Hibs party was officially in ruins!

The Jambos sung and danced while the Hibs fans looked on in disgust! The look on their faces was just brilliant! The whole Hearts song book was ringing out as the Jambo's stayed in the ground determined to party themselves. Chants of "big team, big cup, wee team, wee cup" rung out along with a rousing rendition of "bring on the wee cup". The Hibs fans tried once or twice to sing back but where met by the Jambos fans laughing and clapping them. They were so bloody silent that at one point a chant of "will we sing a song for you" was resounding round Fester Road!

Hibs refused to bring out their wee cup until we were all gone but it was a good 25 minutes after the final whistle before the police and stewards started moving us on...some managed to stay in the ground singing at the top of their voices for 40 minutes! All the while the die hard Hibby's were standing about waiting for us to leave so they could start their party...the others were long gone!

So another Hobo beatin' birthday celebration for me and another great day out with my fellow Jambos! It was the first time my kids and my niece have been with us to a Hibs game, let alone Fester Road and to top it all off they were on the tv! It is 4 and a half years since Hearts got a win at Fester Road...I just knew yesterday would be the day we came good!

"The hearts have ruined yer party, the Hearts have ruined yer party, the Hearts have ruined yer party, you's should have stayed in yer beds"

Jenny xx

A Recipe For Hilarity....

2007-03-26T13:07:00.000+01:00

Stick 12 women in a room.
Add a large dose of alcohol.
Mix in some lingerie and a pvc nurses uniform.
Blend with sex toys of all shapes and sizes.
Sprinkle with some forfeits and games.
Allow to heat up for 2 hours or so.

Yes on Saturday night this was indeed the recipe for much hilarity. I was at an Ann Summers party and as with ones I've attended before it was the usual loud, giggly affair with plenty of confessions and stories being dished out.

There was a good mix of girls there which always helps. I say girls but in reality we're all grown women! Some of us knew each other, some of us were meeting for the first time but there's nothing like sitting around feeling up a latex penis and discussing it's pros and cons to break the ice or indeed a game of spit or swallow!

Men were dissected, their sexual performances and physical attributes discussed with much humour. Intimate facts passed from one woman to another about their sex lives and their partners.

The hysteria reached fever pitch when the rep reached for her vibrators...the room was quite literally buzzing! Several hundred pounds was quickly spent in the room, with the majority going on battery operated devices!

The women ranged in age from mid-twenties to mid-forties and intrestingly every one in that room already owned a battery operated playmate or had owned one previously. A sign of a poor sex life or just a sign that women are more sexually aware? Who knows? Although the fact that a fair few in the room bought "little blue pills" might speak volumes!

I do know that there can be a tendancy to get a bit caught up in the moment....just ask the woman who woke up the next morning saying "I think I bought a 6ft whip last night!" or the one who spent a small fortune even after declaring "My man's not really into lingerie or sex toys, he just laughs". He won't when he realises how much she spent!

Jenny xx

Screenplay Idea...

2007-03-23T15:00:00.000Z

So I've had this idea for a screenplay. Here's the plot outline...

The story is set around a small commune which has been locked in a time warp by it's rulers. The back story tells us how the rulers, known as The Clique, were voted into their leadership by making the people think they were wise and knowledgable with the power to make the commune a good place to be and pledging promises of better times ahead. We soon see that these were false promises though as The Clique, once they have secured their places, become increasingly more dictorial and begin making decisions to suit their own agenda. That agenda is to keep the people under their power, to opress them and to govern them with rules that are decades out of date and that hold little relevance to todays society...rules which keep the commune locked in a time warp and away from the real world and it's influence.

We see examples of how The Clique do this. Denying the people the right to dress as they wish, actively encouraging the wearing of cardigans and sensible shoes. Dictating the prices of goods throughout the commune. Forbidding the people to walk on grassed areas within the commune. Putting their corrupt insiders into positions of power where they can spy on the people. Denying rights to freedom of speech.

The people of the commune are shell shocked at having to live under these regulatory guidelines but initially still believe The Clique who tell them that these harsh rules are for the long term benefit of the commune. However, we see The Clique make one or two decisions which begin to cause restlessness and concern amongst the people. They make decisions of what social activities the commune people can participate in and begin summoning people in front of them in their grand hall to punish them for small misdemeanours.

Meanwhile 2 freedom fighters (Joss and Ren) are becoming increasingly concerned about the decisions and actions of The Clique. They are long term friends who have been at the commune for many years. We flash back to see how they met and the bond that is between them. Beautiful scenes show us the two of them as teenagers before losing touch with each other as life taken them on separate paths. Later we see them meeting up again a decade or so later when they both come to the commune, older, wiser but still bound together by their sense of humour, love of the written word and shared history.

Slowly but surely The Clique begin to stamp down on the people. Everyone is under scrutiny as they seek to become ever more dominant and Joss soon finds himself called to the grand hall and being questioned about a trip he made outwith the commune. The Clique are unhappy about it and decide to punish him. By now there is a air of discontent with in the commune. Some people are beginning to realise that The Clique are out to crush them. Small groups form and discuss how they feel. Joss and Ren hear the whispers and when Ren is subjected to bullying by one of The Cliques corrupt insiders after rejecting sexual advances from them she decides to speak out. Flashbacks show us the corrupt insider making his advances and Ren shunning them. We then see how the corrupt insider slowly turns against Ren and plots revenge against her. Meanwhile The Clique have become aware of Ren's outspokeness and she is summoned to the grand hall under the pretence that they want to help her. Within minutes Ren realises it has all been a set up and that corrupt insider has lied to The Clique. They decide to punish Ren and banish her from the commune, never to be seen again.

The Clique do not disclose what has happened with Ren. They remain silent but let rumour slip that Ren was corrupt and out to tarnish and destroy the commune. Ren, though had made plans with Joss to ensure he could listen in on what the Clique said to her at her summons. We watch as he sits in a quiet place, risking being caught, to hear what is said in the Grand Hall. Joss makes sure that the people of the commune know the truth. That Ren was set up and banished. He knows that speaking out may well cause him to be next and is unsurprised to find himself summoned just a short while later. Concurrently we see The Clique being told by a corrupt insider of what Joss has been saying. We see them set up monitoring of his actions, looking out for misdemeanours and evidence of his contravening the non-right to freedom of speech.

Joss is also punished heavily. He too is stripped of everything he had in the commune and is expelled into the great beyond. The Clique are keen to show the people of the commune that dissent and non-conformity to their rules will not be accepted.

The people of the commune are shocked. Many weaken and decide it is best to comply with The Cliques demands and rules but factions start to form...The Clique underestimated the effect that banishing Joss and Ren might have. A secret underground movement begins to grow. Fed up with living in a dictatorship, under an oppressive regime that acively encourages them to become old before their time and wear cardigans and sensible shoes. Plans are quietly being made to overthrow the regime and to hold an uprising against The Clique.

Meanwhile Ren and Joss are meeting up in the outside world. Ren has made friends with a freedom fighter called Sol who is well qualified in quashing organisations like The Clique. She introduces him to Joss and together they work to find a solution and make people aware of the levels of corruption and the tyrannical ways of The Clique. We see lots of late night shots with beer and whisky as they 3 look over books and do research for their quest. Joss and Ren get a message to the underground group in the commune to tell them of their plans. Together with Ren's friend Sol they decide to take action against The Clique at a higher level by going to the outside worlds highest juristiction The People's Tribune to get them to agree to put sanctions on The Clique. The plan is complicated but Joss, Ren and Sol hope that if The People's Tribune agree to enforce sanctions it will show more people in the commune the errors of The Clique and weaken their hold.

Joss and Ren put their case to The People's Tribune... We see the tense meetings as Joss and Ren put their cases to The People's Tribune and scenes are played showing the wait for the outcome on which the whole plan rests...they are overjoyed when The People's Tribune finds in their favour and agrees to put sanctions in place. This gives the green light to the underground group and reports of the sanctions begin to leak to the people of the commune. More and more people go to the underground group to tell them of punishments they have received and their discontent at The Clique and it's oppressive regime. Soon the underground group has a good number of supporters. The Clique sense something is afoot and call a mass summons in the grand hall. All the people of the commune attend. The Clique know they are in a weakened position and suspect there may be a restlessness among the people and intend to use the meeting to crush any uprising. However, the underground group, also realising the weakened position of The Clique make their move and one by one begin throwing questions at The Clique about their running of the commune. We see scenes of chaos as the people become unruly, shouting and demanding answers. Corrupt insiders try in vain to restore order. Suddenly there is a loud bang, Nala the leader of the underground group has banged a big stick down on the floor. The sound gets everyone's attention. Nala steps forward. The room goes quiet. Nala looks in the direction of the leader of The Clique, Cardiman, and asks for the truth of what happened with Joss and Ren...we see the following scene played out...

Nala: "What happened with Joss and Ren?"
Cardiman: “You want answers?”
Nala: “I think I'm entitled”
Cardiman: “You want answers?”
Nala: “I WANT THE TRUTH"
Cardiman: “You can't handle the truth”

[The room is quiet enough to hear a pin drop, instead we hear the sharp intake of breath as an old guy takes a puff of his inhaler...]

Nala: "Do you think your decision was right?"
Cardiman: "It doesn't matter..."
Nala: "DO YOU THINK YOU WERE RIGHT!"
Cardiman: "Take caution in your tone, I'm a fair guy, but this fucking heat is making me absolutely crazy" (Cardiman is beginning to sweat and plays with the knot if his tie)
Nala: "Answer the question"
Cardiman: “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket... that I provide... and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way”
Nala: "Do you have an answer to the question?"

[Cardiman straightens his cardigan, takes of his glasses and slowly and smugly turns to address the people...]

Cardiman: “It's become obvious that Nala’s intention this afternoon is to smear a high ranking member of The Clique in the desperate hope that the mere appearance of impropriety will win him points with the people and the outside world. Now, it is my recommendation, that Nala be reprimanded for his conduct...”

[Nala cuts in....]

Nala: "Did you order the expulsions of Joss and Ren?"
Cardiman: "I have nothing further to say" [he again removes his glasses and rubs his forehead]
Nala: "ANSWER THE QUESTION YOU FUCKING SHIT"
Cardiman: "It was a code red expulsion, they deserved nothing more"
Nala: "Did you order the code red?"
Cardiman: "I did the job I...."
Nala: "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?"
Cardiman: "YOUR GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!" [Cardiman's face goes all wrinkly and evil]

[There is an audible series of gasps from the people...before silence descends again...]

Nala: "Thank you, at last we seem to be getting somewhere"

[A faint snore is heard in the room from the direction of an old dear who has nodded off...]

Cardiman: "I don't need to take this crap. You're gonna be crushed now because you've done something and I...I...I don't like it!" [He again rubs his forehead and shuffles papers about]
Nala: "Enough, I'm getting tired of you now" [Nala does a big over-exaggerated yawn and rolls his eyes]
Cardiman: "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss in your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong man”
Nala: "Boorrrrrrinnnngggg" [Nala yawns again, this time with a big show over covering his mouth]
Cardiman: "Son, I am somebody. I have Royal connections. I could take you down. There's nothing about Cardigans I don't know. You will never be man enough to fill my sensible shoes"
Nala: "Whatever Loser" [Nala makes the sign of an L on his forehead]
Cardiman: "Why you little fool... [Cardiman's voice becomes unrecognisable and takes on a Russian accent]...I vill deestroy you!"
Nala: "I'm sorry sir but I don't think so. Your time is up. There will be no more cardigans worn or sensible shoes. The Clique and you are weakened. We are taking back our commune. I'm going to ask you to get up now and leave. I would add that you doing so would mean you retain a shred of dignity but you've lost that with your really poor Ivan Drago impression a moment ago. Save yourself anymore embarrassment and walk away now...while you still have the use of boths legs".

A ripple of applause breaks out around the room and becomes a deafening sound as the people of the commune rejoice. The old dear who had nodded off is awoken with a start "Is it over, Have we won the war then?" she asks.

We see Cardiman look stunned and startled as ordinary people of the commune go towards him and his cronies in The Clique to escort them to the boundary. Quietly he gets up, runs his hands down his biege cardigan and with his fellow Clique members behind him he walks to the door of the grand hall.

The room quietens down to watch them leave...

Cardiman: "You haven't seen the last of me. I won't let this rest here...[his voice becomes unrecognisable and he takes on an Austrian accent]... I'll be back"
Nala: "Get tae fuck ya muppet"

The Clique members leave and the people of the commune begin to celebrate with the help of a man with an accordian and some line dancing. Joss and Ren appear at the doorway accompanied by Sol...no longer are they banished...they hug Nala and smile at each other. Camera fades away leaving a scene of jubilation.

The End.

Jenny xx

P.S - This is a work of fiction. It is not based on actual events. Any likeness to any persons either living or dead is purely co-incidental. Names are made up. Scenes are made up. Some words have been ripped from a movie and blended in with my own.

If you have been offended by this posting and decide to whine about it then you are either a cardigan wearing control freak, an asthmatic, an old dear who nods off or a member of a Clique who wishes to oppress people and frankly I wouldn't be admitting to be any of them (except maybe the asthmatic and old dear bits) because how does one explain being a cardigan wearing control freak or a member of an oppressive Clique without looking like a total choob?? However should you wish to whine anyway feel free to leave a comment so all my other readers can have a laugh at you.

Mickey Mouse Cup...

2007-03-23T13:26:00.000Z

Jenny xx

Nursery School Stuff...

2007-03-21T20:25:00.000Z

Just so you know...

I have deleted the post entitled "For Those Who Have Asked" dated 14th March 2007.

Who knew I'd one day have a blog that attracted so much attention?? I should maybe set up a side blog in the manner of a Watchdog...Blogdog we could call it...where people can complain about posts they dislike. I'll give it a bit of thought! ;-)

So it's gone. Anything to keep my adored readers happy!

And with that I will bid you farewell and leave in a puff of green smoke with the sound of my laughter ringing in the air.

Jenny xx

The Penis..

2007-03-21T18:02:00.000Z

The penis was annoyed when he found out that the tit was being paid more than he was. He knew he worked harder than the tit and so deserved to be paid more. He decided to ask the boss for a wage rise...

Dear Sir,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

My work is of a physical nature.
I work at depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in warm surroundings.
I often work in areas with strong odours.
In my work I can often be exposed to contagious diseases.

Taking all the above into account I feel I am worthy of a pay rise as on the whole my job is far more demanding than that of tit who spends most of the day hanging about or indeed having to be supported and whom I know complains monthly about beig sore and tender. I await your response.
Regards,
Penis.

The management looked over the letter from the Penis and after much consideration sent him the following reply...

Dear Penis,

After giving your request due consideration and taking into account the points you raised, the administration rejects your request for a pay rise for the following reasons:

You are unable to work 8 hours straight.
You are prone to fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management.
You do not stay in your designated area & have tried on several occasions to get into the restricted area to the rear of your workplace.
You do not take the initiative, often needing to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You are not loyal and you have been caught more than once entering a different workplace.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
Experience has proven you will not be fit to work until 65. In fact in all likelihood you will retire much earlier than this.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You often need a hand in order to complete your task.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
You have spat randomly in inappropriate places.

And as if that was not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management.

Made me giggle did that!

Jenny xx

Nothing To Report...

2007-03-20T15:07:00.000Z

God it's been dull in Edinburgh this last weekend. Absolutely nothing has happened in the nations capital that's worth mentioning. It's been a quiet weekend.

I was out on Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours. It was quite chilly, in fact the atmosphere at some points that afternoon was decidedly frosty in some sections....namely sections A to Z with the possible exceptions being section M where they seemed to have a warm glow around them. Mind you to be fair there was some sections which saw a rise in temperatures a couple of times. In fact in some parts certain individuals were positively raging!

Then on Sunday I stayed in all day. Didn't venture over the door at all. Apparently there was a whole load of Hobo-type characters on the move from 9am until about 12pm making their way out the city for a day trip to Weegieland. As they don't get to go there that often they were all very excited.

Unconfirmed reports reached me that between the hours of 12pm and 6pm there were no crimes committed in the city nor was there any drug taking activity. This is possibly coincidental to the Hobo-type characters leaving the city but I doubt it!

At about 5pm I heard a rumour that there was a large convoy of caravans heading eastbound on the M8 motorway. It seemed the Hobo-type characters who had left the city earlier were now on their way back. So with all this going on it seemed best just to stay indoors despite the streets of the capital being the safest they had been since about 1991. I say 1991 because although they had a day out to Weegieland on 2nd April last year they went in much smaller numbers with many of them thinking it was fancy dress and going dressed as seats the silly so and so's!

I heard at about 6pm that there was a large caravan convoy heading eastbound on the M8. It wasn't anything to worry about though as it was just the Hobo-type characters returning from their day out. Apparently it had gone much better this year than last when they all came home early and suicidal. They were this time all in good spirits which may be linked to the amount of alcohol they'd consumed or the fact they'd managed to give their carers the slip for the day.

They were in such good spirits that they decided to throw a party. Well I say party but there was hardly anyone there I'm led to believe. More a gathering than a party. They had booked a bus for some of their special friends to go on so they could show off what they had won on their day out. (Reports that some of them stole the roof from it to sell for scrap are still be confirmed)
I think it was some sort of small cup. I know it couldn't have been a big cup because there's only one of them in Scotland and I was at the party for that one last year and if I recall correctly there was lots of fine upstanding people at that party...thousands upon thousands of them...and no Hobo-types in sight.

Anyhow I heard it was a crappy party...it was rainy and sleety and cold. Not like that big, massive party I went to last year or the one I went to in May 1998. Both of them were on glorious days with the weather perfect for dancing in the streets. Maybe the higher being who controls the weather doesn't like Hobo-type characters? Just a thought as I heard it was snowing and sleety and rainy while they were on their day trip to the Weeg as well.

Anyway, come Monday their was a slight chill in the air again. It seemed a black cloud that had been lurking since Saturday at about 4:45pm over the west side of Edinburgh had grown in size over the Sunday and was, by Monday morning, hanging ominously over many areas of west Edinburgh. It seems to have affected some people's health and I was told that many people were absent from work on Monday morning and that many a doctors surgery was full of poor souls suffering from a strange depression like illness. Rumour has it that this cloud is carrying a contamination from eastern europe but that contamination may be made worse by some green lurgy that is attached to it.

So nothing much to report from here over the weekend. Nowt much in the papers or on the news apart from the wee mention about the Hobo-type characters and their crap party and even then it was a bit overshadowed because it seems Celtic lost again at football for the 3rd time in a row which has caused a bit of an uproar.

My sister has been in contact a lot over the weekend. I think she went with the Hobo-type characters on their day trip to Weegieland. I'm trying not to have to communicate with her for the time being. I find she makes me feel a bit sick. So anyway I've decided the best course of action for me is just to chill out and keep my head down until all this nasty business with the black cloud and the eastern european contamination and the green lurgy and the Hobo-type characters calms down. I'll just go quietly about my business....

Jenny xx

p.s - before I go can I just say....It's a wee cup for a wee team. Feck the Hibs!! "You won the league cup, we don't give a fuck, it's 105 in a roooowwww!!"

GTF Killie....

2007-03-20T15:06:00.000Z

That is all.

Jenny xx

'Mon The Killie...

2007-03-14T23:31:00.000Z

Now obviously I am a Hearts fan. I think the picture at the top of this Blog gives that away. However for the remainder of this week (barring the time between 3pm & 4:45pm on saturday when I will be at Tynie cheering on the boys in maroon) I am a sympathising Kilmarnock FC supporter.

The reason for this is that they are playing the Hibee scum in the league cup final this coming Sunday. It's a small insignificant cup, not like the big one we won last year but regardless I would rather eat my own fingers to the bone that see that bunch of caravan dwelling docksiders have reason to rejoice.

Sadly for me I have few family members who will be attending the game to support the Leithers. My Sister, Brother-in-Law and Nephew are all going as are a fair few family friends. For the sake of my 8 year old Nephew (for whom it will be a first cup final...well that's what happens when you follow a wee team!) I hope the Hibee scum score...in fact they can score more than once if they like, so long as Killie score one time more than they do!

So 'Mon the Killie!

Jenny xx

Happy Birthday To You....

2007-03-13T20:53:00.000Z

Today is Better Half's birthday. He is a handsome, young looking 44 today. In fact in all honesty he looks younger now than he did when I met him 8 years ago!

I reckon it's down to him living with a woman over a decade younger than him! They do say you're only as old as the woman you feel!

Happy Birthday Gorgeous!
I Love You Heaps And Plenty.

Jenny xx

Is It Wrong...?

2007-03-05T09:55:00.000Z

Yesterday I headed to Weegieland with my Maw for a wee bit retail therapy and took 6 year old, 10 year old and my niece with me for the trip (8 year old nephew didn't come as he was at Easter Road watching the Hibs get beat by Rangers..hahaha he'd have been better off coming with me to Weggieland but he'll never learn!).

Anyway I digress...so we go into a shop and I'm looking at school clothes thinking both my offspring could use an extra pair of school trousers each when 10 year old pipes up that she has seen a pair of "city shorts" and can she have them instead of trousers. "City shorts", for the benefit of those who don't know, are knee length dress shorts that girls are now wearing for school! So I agree and I start looking through the racks for her size which is normally anything from aged 7-8 to aged 9-10 depending on where we are buying! She's out of luck as all they have left are aged 12-13 and a 5-6. I relay this information to 10 year old who is highly unamused and proceeds to pick up the age 12-13 telling me "they'll fit". Em, no I don't think so. They are way too big. So determined not to leave the shop without her shorts, she proceeds to pick up the age 5-6 telling me "these'll fit me". We bicker back and forth for a few minutes with my telling her that age 5-6 will not fit her but that I will get her a pair elsewhere and her repeatedly telling me that they will fit her. Eventually I snap "They will not fit you, they are at least 2 sizes too small but you know what? Go and try them on, go on.".

10 year old hot foots it to the changing room with a determined look on her face. A couple of minutes later I hear the sound of my Mum laughing "You need to come and see this" she says. There in the changing room, prancing around sporting a huge smug grin is my 10 year old
...wearing the shorts and displaying enough space at the waist to get my Mum's hand in! "See I told you they'd fit so waaaayyyy" she says in her very best chav tone. So I reluctantly parted with the cash for her new shorts...she is very happy with her new purchase because they are, and I quote, "well nice and my pals wear them".

I am left though wondering if it's not fundamentally wrong that my 10 year old can still get into clothes that are made for age 5-6??

Still I'd be more concerned if faced with the issue that was in last weeks news...the poor 8 year old lad who weighs in at 15 stone. God love him. That wee lad has years of misery ahead of him. Imagine having to be worrying about your weight at such a young age and the ridiculing he'll get from others? Well it doesn't bear thinking about.

Jenny xx

I Got This...

2007-03-01T23:15:00.000Z

sent by text from a good Jambo mate of mine.

"Osama Bin Laden has sent a message to confirm he is still alive. The message said "Hibs were shit at the weekend"

British Intelligence Officers have dismissed the message stating that it could have been recorded anytime in the last 25 years. "

It made me smile so it did.

Christ I just said "so I did" there which quite frrankly is a pure weegie thing to be saying. Oh FFS I just said "pure" as well which is another proper weegie thing to say.

Maybe it's because I was through there today doing a bit of shopping/browsing. There is no way that these little errors in my speech are due to me having weegie blood in my veins. The rumours that I have some weegie blood are (cough) simply untrue*!

Jenny xx
*Or maybe they're not!

Cold Turkey...

2007-03-01T22:08:00.000Z

"You never miss the water till the well runs dry" they say (I don't exactly know who "they" are but they don't half say a lot).

Never was a phrase more appropriate than over this last week. You see Jambo's Kickback has been down, offline, goosed, fecked...whatever your preference and I have been like a bear with a sore head for the duration of it's vanishing.

I had no idea how much time I spent on it until it had gone. Day after day in this last week I have come to the 'puter and headed straight for it only to again be told it was unavailable. I now realise I must spend a hideous amount of time on there chatting away to fellow Jambo's and reading through the message boards.

I've never really gone cold turkey regarding drink or drugs before so I never had an understanding of what it must be like when you are forced to give up something you depend on...I do now! I definitely went through a period of cold turkey these last few days!

My name is Jenny and I am a JKB aholic.

Still it's up and running again now...phew...so why am I still here???? Later people.

Jenny xx

Back To Basics....

2007-03-01T21:39:00.000Z

Right then...the thorn in my side and the subject of my various cryptic posts in recent weeks has now been dealt with. They have officially had two fingers stuck up at them and a big fuck you directed at them. My cryptic posting has hit the correct nerve and they've received their fingers and fuck you directly from me and so are no longer worth my time or my dazzling intelligence. The person in question knows who they are. For the rest of you this is someone who a year ago I classed as a friend and whom I now class as a nobody. Someone with whom I once would pass the time of day and someone for whom I would not pass water if they were dying of thirst now.

So now things on here can get back to normal. No longer will I pass messages through this Blog that only they will understand...although I have no doubt they are still reading this. Some people never learn you see and he/she is, I have come to realise, a person with sadist tendancies. After all why else would they continue to read this Blog when they knew that for the last few weeks much of my posts were purely to ridicule them? They knew we'd fallen out and that I'd bring it to this Blog.

I am reclaiming the Blog for the purpose for which it was started all those months ago, in fact almost 2 years ago...that is me writing whatever random thoughts come into my head while I'm logged in here and passing my humble opinions on the topic of the day...not to mention of course ripping a new arsehole for anyone or anything that pisses me off along the way.

In a final message to my ex-friend then, may I just say...why don't you fuck right off, stop reading this and go and find something or someone else to try and be clever with. Or better still why not go and read a book or two and try to increase your knowledge and intelligence to the level above fuckwit which is where you currently are. You see that's where you went wrong...intelligence (which I am blessed with) always wins over stupidity (which sadly is about all you are blessed with). Now run along, assuming you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other at speed that is...

Anyway back to the post...so no more cryptic messages. From now on this blog will go back to basics.

Jenny xx

Cryptic Time Again...

2007-02-22T12:52:00.000Z

Sorry Max, this is for the time being my last bizarre rant on here!!

Can I just say....

I'm H-A-P-P-Y, I'm H-A-P-P-Y, I know I am, I'm sure I am, I'm H-A-P-P-Y.

Zip-ah-dee-do-dah, zip-ah-dee-ay, my oh my what a wonderful day, plenty of sunshine heading my way, zip-ah-de-do-dah, zip-ah-dee-ay.

Oh come on now, why ain't you singing with me? You know you want to!! What do you mean you don't want to sing with me? Have I embarrassed you? Is that why you won't sing with me?Well I'll sing alone then, it's a good way of conveying emotions. I am happy today ergo I will sing.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to see the wizard...I mean shopping.

Jenny xx

It's Not Long Now...

2007-02-19T23:06:00.000Z

Until I can officially regain my Blog. Yes I know this makes no sense (unless you're Ross to whom this will make perfect sense as he knows what I'm on about!) but trust me, it will all become very clear in the next few days.

Jenny xx

Who Knew?...

2007-02-19T13:58:00.000Z

So today Better Half and I went to view a house I'd seen on t'interweb that had caught my eye.

It was an old Lodge house that would once upon a time have belonged to some wealthy land owner and would have been home to one of his employees no doubt. It was a nice looking property with 5 bedrooms, 2 en suites, a family bathroom, a kitchen, dining room, huge lounge and bizarrely a sauna..and I do mean a proper, pined with benches, sauna, within the house. It also had gorgeous grounds outside with a large drive and loads of mature plants, a lawn area and a nice patio area with original outdoor cooking area from way back when...now used as a decorative patio heater.

So we head down today to have a look about...the house is in a remote spot surrounded by fields and woods to the rear. A man is waiting to meet us and basically opens the door and says to go and have a look and leaves us to it. First thing I notice when I get in is that it's not been lived in for a while, there are huge spiders crawling about and the place is freezing. We head into bedroom 1 and I'm thinking "what the ???" there's a raised platform to one trimmed with a mirror edging (which I'm thinking probably used to have a bed on it) and one wall houses a mirror from floor to ceiling. "It's like a bloody dance floor" says Better Half.

Bedroom 2 passes me by as there's nothing much of intrest, intresting decor and double white leather edged bed stripped to the mattress are all that I pick up.

We head into the houses main hallway where I spot a big spider and freak out and almost miss the fact that the hall carpet is a black and white zebra print...nice! Further in we come to the kitchen which is a pleasant room, clean and quite modern. Moving through we hit bedroom number 3...to one side is a door through to a w.c and bang in front of you in the main bedroom is a sunken in jacuzzi bath, along one wall are windows and along the other are move floor to ceiling mirrors. Bizarre I think to myself but there's no accounting for taste. Bedroom 4 comes next and is smaller than the others and has wall to ceiling units to one wall...a jumbled mismatch of woods and colours and bang in the middle is a black wooden set of drawers all built into the wall and in each drawer is a key and on the wall is what looks like a board on which the keys were once hung. It's almost like it was once some sort of office. Next room down is the main bathroom which again features huge mirrors and a shower cubicle.

We come to an area I can only describe as a recess/hallway type thing. The floor is black tile with a star design to the centre and again one wall is covered in mirror...by now I'm thinking whoever lived here must have pure loved themselves to have all these mirrors. We head on into what the estate agents have called the lounge which is in fact a large room on two levels housed in an extension part of the main building. It's a long room (about 35ft) and when we walk to the other end we come to yet another small dead space/recess/hallway which has 2 doors leading from it, one goes into the sauna...a full pine clad, benched swedish style sauna like you find in any gym, again the hallway/recess/dead space has mirrors along one wall and I'm thinking "80's aerobic studio going on in here once" as I glance up at the sunken in lights and down to the wooden floors. The second door leads to bedroom number 5 which strangely has two kitchen units in it at the door with a sink and a door which leads into yet another shower room/w.c. It again has a large mirrored area and downlighters in the ceiling and I notice the bulbs are red in at least 4 of them...I'm now thinking "whoever lived here had very bad taste"....red light bulbs, zebra print carpet, toilets a plenty, mirrors everywhere and horrid 80's decor in every room...I'm thinking it used to be some 80's lovin, kids from fame watching, aerobics mad, saturday night fever fan but I was wrong...

The man who had met us at the house wanders in to see how we're getting on. Better Half makes a comment about how big the place is and how it's a bit like a maze with all the different rooms and bits and pieces. The guy agrees and he and Better Half get into a conversation about how the place has loads of potential (which it does) and how you might want to knock this wall down and build a new one here and so on. I'm saying nothing much at this point...way too busy eyeing up incy wincy spider up in the corner of the room. "It's not really what you'd call a lounge" I hear the guy say. "No it's not, you couldn't really use it as one" says Better Half about the room we're in "This extensions a bit dodgy really, it's not been desgined for family living". "Yeah you're right, still it probably served it's purpose given what it was used for" he continues. My ears prick up as I'm thinking I'm about to find out about my 80's lovin' kids from fame watchin', aerobics mad, saturday night fever fan...The man continues..."Aye the place used to be a busy brothel until business got slack and it was repossessed".

Better Half manages to get words together quicker than me for the first time ever and says "Well that explains all the bloody mirrors and a few other things!" Oh it did indeed! All of a sudden the mirrors, dodgy decor, baths in bedrooms, sauna, red light bulbs and locked drawers made sense!

We headed out to look at the grounds and the man locked up and left us to wander as he headed of in his car into the wilderness around us. We peered in the window of what had been bedroom 1 with it's raised platform and Better Half's words about it looking like a dance floor came into both our heads and he said "all that's missing is the pole". We left the house and got in the car to head home.

I don't think we'll head back again...not because of what it used to be but it's the wrong location.

Jenny xx

Hankering After The Good Old Days?....

2007-02-17T13:15:00.000Z

My good pal Ross wrote an intresting piece on his Blog the other day which you can read here. It's a glance backwards to life as it was once upon in time. Back in the days when everything seemed carefree and the only real worry you seemed to have was what time you were due to be out with your mates or whether any of them had bought the neccessary items for the evening ahead.

In my opinion this is an example of Ross writing at his best. A rambling post which begins in one direction before rattling you away in another, taking a few twists and throwing in some random observations along the way but all the time keeping you reading and waiting for the conclusion.

Having read both the post and the comments I got to thinking...

We all look back sometimes don't we? Like every generation before us we get to that age/point in life where we can look back and think "they were good times". We start to say it like we've heard our Mothers, Fathers or Grandparents say it a hundred times before...we get a bit nostaligic for the days when we only had to please ourselves and when mortgages, commitments and the daily grind were all nothing to us and pension plans and politics were for old folk to worry about. Sometimes we wish to be able to jump in the car with our mates again, cruise the streets, get off our faces on whatever method we preferred be it drugs, cheap booze or both, to while away hours doing nothing but standing around in parks, shop doorways, street corners or if you were lucky getting indoors because someone had a "free hoose"...which normally came around because some trusting parent went to the costa's and left their teenager at home...only to return to find their favourite vase broken and hot rock marks in their sofa! We look back fondly, at least we do in my case, to nights spent in huge venues or fields or good clubs where there was a good vibe and you danced from nightfall and were still there to see the sun rise the next day. When hangovers and groggy mornings mattered not a jot because you were young and nothing seemed to affect you, you could bounce back on 3 hours sleep and have enough energy to do it all again the next night. Good days indeed.

Or where they? Is it just the nostalgic way we look back that makes us think so?

I am the epitomy of how life "happens" to you when you're not looking. I have the mortgage, the bills, the responsibilities, the kids, the commitments and the pension. I looked in the mirror the other day and minutes later I was at my head with a pair of tweezers extracting a grey, nay pure white, hair from the front of my hairline...granted it was alone, but it was there. I am no longer that young girl from the early 90's, the one who danced all night, the one who drunk her weekly limits in a few hours...but would I want to be? In a word no.

When I cast my thoughts to those who were back then my fellow "team mates" I am able to remove my rose tinted nostaligic glasses and be contented that I am no longer that girl. Some of those I hung round with back then are still there...still living life as they did back when we were the youths of the day...and to be frank it's not a pretty picture. We're all in our thrities now ranging between 31 and 36. Some have never held down a job for longer than a few weeks, incapable of doing so because it interferes with their social life too much. Some are still at home with Mum and Dad having never gotten to grips with independent life beyond a mental age of 19. Some are scarred physically by their hedonistic lives, the result of wreckless accidents while under the influence of some stimulant or another. Some are scarred mentally, paranoid, depressed, and unable to handle life. Some are in prison having taking the fun of random pranks to a new level. Some are drunks who spend their lives propping up a bar with men twice their age for company. Some are sadly dead, lives cut short by overdose, lack of awareness, violence or suicide. What do they all have in common? The inability to let go of their youths and realise that there comes a time when we need to step aside and let a new generation take the reigns as today's youth...just like Mum and Dad and Granny did before us.

Of course some of us did that...whether we realised we were or not at the time. Some went on to university, some met partners and settled down, some got jobs and some just fell into something randomly such as an uplanned pregnancy and realised there was more to life than all night raves, recreational drugs and cheap drink. These are the ones who are now living life...the ones who have created new memories to look back on instead of losing 15 years trying to remain the same.

I wouldn't change the days of old I had. I've filed them all under "experience" whether they were good ones or not. Fact is I'm an adult now. I'm all grown up...I am in the words of my Mum "all the woman I'll ever be". I enjoyed my youth and hopefully some of what I learnt through it will come in handy as I face life ahead with two teenagers of my own and maybe, just maybe, I'll have had a bit of experience to help guide them through those years.

So I'm older, maybe wiser and no longer as carefree as I once was but I still feel 19 inside. My youth has gone but my mind hasn't and neither has my life....and while you've got a life and you live that life and remember that while anything may not always be possible something always is you come to realise that growing up ain't so bad.

Jenny xx

Out On A Date...

2007-02-15T13:28:00.000Z

I've got a date this week. I'm meeting another man for lunch while Better Half is at work.

I'm quite looking forward to it as I know there'll be nice conversation, he'll no doubt make me laugh and he's good company.

Better Half is ok with my planned rendezvous, he knows this is something I would do with or without his approval. After all he knows I am a woman with needs. He realises I sometimes just have to spend time with men who are not him. He is aware that other men hold a place in my life, he's very liberal like that....

He knows that I would never pass up the opportunity to sit down for a natter with my pal Ross, put the world to rights, discuss his love life, laugh, give out my own brand of advice and chill for a few hours!

He also knows Ross and I are proof supreme that a boy and girl can be just friends!

See ya tomorrow Rossco...I'll toot for ya...right then I've an exam to sit in a few hours..must dash!

Jenny xx

A Day Of Love...

2007-02-15T13:25:00.000Z

So yesterday was Valentine's Day.

I got a card from Better Half which he obviously took great care over choosing as it had lovely words. It read...

"The way that I feel
When I'm with you
Is exciting and sexy
On the back of my neck
The hairs stand up
Not to mention my willy"

Who says romance is dead???

Still I did get flowers and my dinner cooked so I mustn't grumble!

Jenny xx

Karma...

2007-02-12T14:16:00.000Z

What goes around comes around and all that.

Bad things you do come back to haunt you.

Piss on someone and expect to be pissed upon yourself.

Stick the knife in someone elses back and prepare to feel the blade yourself.

It's all down to Karma you see.

We were friends once, were part of a good team, had a laugh together but you got so busy trying to keep in with those you felt were important that you turned your back on me and hung me out to dry. Seems that while your back was turned the Karma I knew would one day head your way came up and bit you on the ass.

While you were busy lying to try and cover the mess you made with me to those you thought would protect you, someone else was waiting in the wings watching you and looking for the opportunity to move you aside. You were silly, you were always on the ficticious list of wrong doers and trouble makers, you just never knew it. Now might be a good time to say I told you so...in fact maybe it should be we told you so...but I won't. I'll just sit here with the knowledge that you got yours. Of course it's a damn shame I never got to reveal the facts that prove you were a liar or to bring out the things I know you'd rather have kept hidden especially when it was so close to coming out but c'est la vie.

Last laugh? It was more a smug chuckle.

I'll see you around.

Jenny xx

New Tattoo...

2007-02-09T11:10:00.000Z

So on Monday I headed back into town with Better Half to go and get the drawing done for his new tattoo, the one I had IOU'd him at Christmas.

He had a rough idea of what he wanted the tattoo to have in it but hadn't seen anything in the style of what he wanted while we'd been looking. Luckily for us, well for Better Half really, we came across Studio XIII while on our jaunt out with the kids last Friday.

They had agreed to draw up exactly what Better Half was looking for and so we headed up on Monday so Better Half could get his drawing done with the plan then being to return later in the week to get the actual tattoo. As luck would have it though Tomasz, the artist doing the work, was free to get on with it there and then. An hour and 45 minutes later and the job was complete.

So here's the end result...starting to dry out and scab nicely! The nautical star in the middle represents Better Half, the other two represent the kids...he chose nautical star's as they guide you home. There's a J and a C which are the kids initials and the 13 is there because it's the day on which Better Half was born and it's his lucky number (bizarrely in tattooing 13 is very popular as it is considered to represent good luck or not having a fear of bad luck). There are flames up either side which you can't see properly here which Tomasz drew freehand. Better Half is well pleased with it and I have to say it does look good...it fills in a gap area on an arm which now sports 4 different tattoo's!

I've also struck lucky as I've found the very thing I was looking for for my own tattoo. While browsing through the artwork in the shop I came across exactly the sort fo angel I'd been looking for...male, strong looking, detailed and livable with for the next lifetime! ...in answer to your question then Steve...no I've not had mine yet! It looks like Tomasz will again be doing the work and hopefully in the next month or so I'll have my new guardian angel sitting on my shoulder carrying the words "watch over me and protect me". I know my guardian angel does just that anyway and I know he's always on my shoulder so it's pretty fitting. I'll be getting a bit of Royal Blue put into the design...my guardian angel had a fondness for the colour!

Jenny xx

Chasing Cars...

2007-02-09T10:27:00.000Z

Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars. If you haven't heard this song then you obviously live in a cave somewhere remote with no internet access!

I've had a few wee debates with people over this song in the last few days. Many are of the opinion that it's over rated, commercialised crap while others think it's a masterpiece.

Personally I like Snow Patrol...I don't think Chasing Cars is their best work but for what it's worth I like it. Why? The words that's why. It is just a gorgeous love song and one that sounds even better when it's played loud.

Oh and they use it in the trailers for Grey's Anatomy and there's always a shot of McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) in the trailer somewhere looking lush!

Jenny xx

Stop The World, England Have Snow...

2007-02-08T10:20:00.000Z

I can exclusively reveal that the world, well at least Britain, has apparently come to a complete standstill today. The reason for this is that we've has some snow...well when I say we I mean England. That's right, shock horror, England has snow.

All morning I've been hearing about airport's in choas because of closures, roads in a similar state of mayhem becuase of hazardous conditions and yet more closures, the hundreds of schools in England that have been closed and the impact of all this on life in general over the border. One woman was on tv this morning telling us how she's not had snow outside her door for 10 years!

Shame. I've nothing against the English...well except when I watch Braveheart and I hate them all...but dearie me all this fuss over a bit of snow. Granted Scotland isn't much better at dealing with snow but bizarrely when we get it...which we do more than our southern cousins...your lucky if it gets even a passing nod in the news!

We do have snow today. A small sprinkling of white, hardly enough to warrant dragging out the wellies, so it's business as usual where I am.

What really made me sit up and realise we're dealing with a national disaster though was my phone call to BT this morning. I rang them to make a payment to my Broadband account and was met with the message "Due to severe weather our contact centre has been severely affected, like many of our customers. As a result you will experience extensive delays in our answering your call with current waiting times of approximatley 75 minutes. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause and advise that you may wish to try calling back at a less busy time or use our website for your query"

Why not just put a message on saying "Due to severe weather most of our staff have rung in to say they can't make it into work. This is probably lies and they decided just to head back to their warm beds and take advantage of the fact there's snow. We apologise for any inconvenience and would ask you to call back once the snow turns to slush and they all come back to work"

That'd do for me.

Jenny xx

Wednesday & Saturday...

2007-02-04T20:53:00.000Z

Were days of despair in my hoose. I'll tell you for why.

On Wednesday, the sexiest man in maroon Paul Hartley left Hearts FC to head to Darkheid and play for Celtic. Gutted, not just because he was still one of our most influencial players or because he went to one of the Infirm but because I will never again see the vision that was him looking hot, sweaty and damn fit running around Tynie in a maroon jersey. I was inconsolable on Wednesday...but I'm over it now after seeing the wee bugger in his new Hoops top playing for his new team today!

Saturday brought yet more unhappiness in Jamboland. It was Scottish Cup weekend. We had Dunfermline. Aye it was an away game but they are rooted to the bottom of the SPL. Aye they beat Rangers in the last round but Rangers are gash. To be honest I wasn't confident going into this one for some wierd reason and turns out I was right to feel that way. We lost 1-0. A late goal and by late I mean very, stomach churningly, seconds away from a replay at home late. Jammy bastards. Still I can now book my holidays for May!

Jenny xx

In The Last Week...

2007-02-04T19:24:00.000Z

I've...

Been to the funeral of a 42 year old man who died from the evil that is cancer. An intresting funeral is was too with no hymns and no life story about the deceased. Instead we got The Doors playing (amongst other bands) and letters written to him by his friends and family which was nice.

Been catching up with friends on the phone that I've been neglecting...Mrs F if you read this I've found the book I got you back in December but couldn't find!

Been doing a bit of interior redecoration, following the lounge getting it's new coat of paint, I've been out and bought some new pictures for the walls...arty black and white scenes of New York which I am liking a lot and I've had Better Half change all the plug sockets and the light switch from boring white to chrome. I've also bought a ridiculously cheap light fitting which looks ridiculously more expensive than it was...a chrome and glass chandelier type which is lovely to finish off the room.

Bought paint for 10 year old's room which Better Half is under instruction to have put on the walls in the next 2 days! Along with that I bought her a ridiculously cheap light fitting which looks ridiculously more expensive than it was...a red velvet and red glass chandelier type which is pure glam and will fit in with her new "grown up" bedroom..no more lilac, fairies and pink things!

Been discussing with my clan ideas for our holidays this year and bizarrely the kids fancy New York...I bizarrely enough fancy Florida...Better Half fancies both!

Been phoning builders and architects to get the plans and prices for my extension which will hopefully get underway by late spring/early summer.

Made room for some family time and headed into the city centre with the kids and Better Half for a wander...we decided to do Edinburgh tourist style...a dry run for a possible trip to NYC and because we've never done it before! We took the car to the park and ride and got the bus into town, we walked from Lothian Road, up Castle Terrace and right down to the bottom of the Royal Mile stopping to read the wall plaques marking historical spots, visiting St Giles Cathedral, spitting on the Heart of Midlothian for luck, visiting the Museum Of Childhood, stopping at Starbucks for a coffee and a lounge about, browsing in a tattoo shop we came across before heading down Jeffrey Street, up past the Waverley, across Princes Street and into George Street to get dinner at the Hard Rock and then back down into Princes Street and on the bus back to the park and ride. It was a great day out, the kids walked the whole way without once complaining, ate all their dinner for once, got loads of fresh air and had smiles on their faces all day...a good dry run for any potential trip to NYC given it's a lot of walking and sightseeing!

All in all it's been a busy week...and this one doesn't look like being any quieter...Better Half is dragging me back to the tattoo shop we saw while we were on our wander tomorrow to get his new tattoo!

Jenny xx

Something To Offend Everyone...

2007-01-22T14:51:00.000Z

Well why not eh?...

What is a Yankee?
Same as a quickie but a man can do it himself.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air so like sex?
Because it's no big deal until you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart Blonde?
A Golden Retriever.

What do Accountants use as birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
10 years and 4 stone in weight.

What's the difference between a woman's Lover and her Husband?
About 3 inches, 45 minutes and 4 stone in weight.

What's the best way to a mans heart?
Straight through the chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men marry Virgins?
Cause they can't stand criticism.

Why is is so hard for a woman to find a good looking, kind, sensitive and caring man?
Because good looking, kind, sensitive, caring men already have a boyfriend.

What's the difference between a new Husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog will still put his head near your vagina.

What's the difference between a Porcupine and a BMW?
The Pocupine has it's pricks on the outside.

What did the Blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?

Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
To a different bar.

What would you call it if an Italian had one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet, little 80 year old woman to say "Fuck"?
Get another sweet, little 80 year old to shout "House".

What's the difference between a northern hemisphere zoo and a southern hemisphere zoo?
A southern hemisphere zoo will have a description of the animal as well as a "recipe".

How do you castrate a Hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

When does a Postie get his bonus payment?
Whenever it's one of his customer's birthdays.

Why did the producers decide not to make CSI West Virginia?
Because it would be impossible to identify suspects as they all share the same DNA.

What do you call a Glaswegian girl in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

What's the difference between a blow job and a wank?
A wedding ring.

How does a blind Aberdonian man tell if he's with the right female?
He feels her wool.

Whats the difference between a mistress and a wife?
A mistress gets on her knees, a wife will have the man on his.

Why do Gentlemen prefer blondes?
Because they're on the same level as them intellectually.

What do you call a man with 2 wives?
A sadist.

Why does the world assume all Americans are thick?
President George W Bush.

Why are men like parking spaces?
Because they're either too small or the best one's are taken.

How does a Californian woman make sure her Husband provides for her?
She divorces him.

And just to prove I'm happy to offend my own folks....

What do a Virgin and a Scotsman have in common?
They're both tight.

Jenny xx

Hours Of Fun With Yellow Post It's...

2007-01-21T13:25:00.000Z

How much fun can you have with 4 kids and a pack of yellow Post It's? The answer I've discovered is loads.

Write a name, thing, object on the Post It and stick it to the forehead of a child and get them to guess who or what they are with 20 questions.

So far my Niece has been a Do-nut, a Monorail and La La from the Teletubbies. My Nephew has been a Submarine, Jelly and Dash from the Incredibles, 6 year old has been a Hotdog, Shaggy from Scooby Doo and a Bike and 10 year old has been a Car, Glinda The Good Fairy and a Cheesecake.

Best of all...they've all been amused and quiet for the last hour, they've laughed and learned something during the course of their questions and it ain't cost me a penny! Where else can you get away with calling your Niece a Do-Nut or hearing your Nephew ask if he'd eat himself if he could?

Jenny xx

Racist?

2007-01-21T12:55:00.000Z

So with all the Hooha in the Celebrity BB house this week about racism, it got me to thinking.

So Jade Goody (official national hate figure for the second time) called Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty "Shilpa Poppadom". She refered to her as "Indian" as did her Mum Jackiey (yes that's how she spells it!) who referred to her continually as "The Indian". This has caused an international diplomatic row and apparently Jade has given the whole country a bad name because of her comments. Get a fecking grip people.

Just supposing I had been in the house and someone referred to me as Jenny Haggis or Jenny Deep-Fried-Mars-Bar. Would there have been such an outcry? What if someone had referred to me as "The Scots girl" or horror of horrors "The Jock"? Should I have expected the Chancellor to wade in with a comment? Em Nah.

What Jade said was at most silly and a speak before you think moment. It hardly warrants a fecking global outrage. Let's be honest...wasn't it Jade's silliness and speak before you think character traits that saw her win over the British public and become a millionairess? Now the very thing that endeared her to us has seen her turned into a national hate figure.

Personally Danielle Lloyd's comment that Shilpa should "fuck off home" and her comments that "She (Shilpa) wants to be white, she's a dog" is far more derogatory and it'll be intresting to see what happens when she emerges from the security of the BB house. If anyone should be being vilified then it's her.

As for Jade, give it a rest and give her a break. It's political correctness gone mad.

Racism is not acceptable. Regardless of colour we are all the same and it should be stamped out but seriously how many of us can honestly hold our hands up and say we don't go for a "Chinky" or that we don't sit in front of the TV when England play footie and call them "English Bastards" or the like? Not many I'll bet, but my friends that is Racist. We're all as guilty of opening our mouths as with silly comments as Jade has been of hers.

Jenny xx

Stuff's Been Happening...

2007-01-16T16:02:00.000Z

Contrary to popular belief given I've been ultra quiet on the Blog front for a while I am not dead and I have not vanished. I'm still here and there's stuff happening I'd like to share...if I could.

I know, I know...you wanna hear the goings on of late in the land of Jenny but I just can't share it with you. Certain things are just not for publication on here at this moment in time. It's a pain in the ass but that's the way it is for now.

Jenny xx

Resolutions...

2007-01-03T18:41:00.000Z

Right then 2007 is upon us. A new year and traditionally a time to start afresh. A time to make resolutions. A time to list all the changes you plan on making.

Aye well screw that. What's the point in setting goals you'll neither stick to nor be able to achieve? Yes I could vow not to swear as much, to lose weight, join a gym, eat healthier, stop drinking or stop buying so many shoes...but what's the chances?

This year I've decided to make one resolution and only one. I'm going to say what's on my mind. From now on "say it like I see it" will be my motto. Now you may think this is an odd resolution for a red-head with a temper to make...after all it's not like I'm some quiet wallflower who never says boo to anyone but this resolution is the result of a fair bit of deliberation.

You see I am on the whole quite a nice person. I'll go out my way to help people and if I've got it and you need it then you can have it. I respect my elders. I have manners. My friends and family know that at any time I am but a phone call away if they need me. I respect other people's ways and rights and I am generally the one who will apologise first if there is an argument. That all makes me sound like a good sort but I am far from perfect...I can be a prize bitch, I have a temper and I have no time for ignorant people with no manners and I operate a "gut instinct" policy on people whereby if my gut instinct tells me your not my sort of person then you get one chance to prove me wrong.

So why you may ask, do I feel the need to say it like I see it now? Do I not already do that given I admit to being a prize bitch at times? Well actually no I don't. You see my prize bitch mode, like my temper mode, only really kicks in when I have been pushed to the point of losing the plot. It's always been the case that I need to be near breaking point for my anger to kick in enough to say what I really think. My deliberations over saying it like I see it led me to realise that all too often I will walk away wishing I had said what was on my mind instead of keeping it in. Now don't get me wrong it's not that I now intend to go around insulting everyone and anyone whenever I feel like it...far from it...instead I will go with the policy that if you ask for it then you'll get it. There have been way to many occasions when some fuckwit has really been asking for it and I like a muppet have not given it but have sat and tried to be diplomatic for fear of causing upset or bad feeling or in a bid not to rock the boat.

No more. No more shutting up to keep someone else happy. No more biting my tongue to avoid a situation. No more brushing of an insult or sly dig so's not to cause disharmony. If some idiot wants a piece of it then they can now have it...both barrels.

I already have a notion in my head of who will be the first to "benefit" from my new outlook. My ex-Mother In Law is topping the list after her wee outburst on Hogmanay when she was calling me all the names under the sun and accusing me of being a slut for leaving her "beautiful son". Sadly I wasn't there at the time...she decided instead to say it to my Mother at a party! I have spent 7 years putting up with that poisonous dwarves ramblings...make no mistake that next time I see her I will have something to say about her and her "beautiful son". As she's been asking for 7 years I feel it's only fair she gets it.

Next in line will I think be some of my so called friends and ex-friends. It will only be a matter of time before one of them shoots their mouths of again fully expecting me to say nothing for the sake of harmony. One in particular has been treading on thin ice for long enough now and there's no doubt that it won't be long before her mouth runs away with her again....especially if there's a drink nearby. See that's the thing with her...she's always blotto when she gets the notion to open her mouth and for many a year her nasty comments, bitchy remarks and downright rudeness have been brushed aside as being due to her being drunk. "och it's just ******** she gets like that when she's drunk" is a well used phrase where she's concerned and one I'm guilty of saying myself. Well no more. That goes for a few others as well...

I might ruffle a few feathers here and there....I may end up losing a few "friends" along the way but I will be happy in myself knowing that I said what I needed to....in the most sarcastic way I could.

Jenny xx

Happy New Year...

2007-01-01T14:49:00.000Z

As it says on the tin!

May the best of 2006 be the worst of 2007 to all of you!

Jenny xx

Merry Christmas One And All...

2006-12-24T18:16:00.000Z

From my family to yours, whoever you are and wherever you are...

Have a lovely Christmas. I hope Santa is good to you all and that all your Christmas wishes come true.

Jenny xx

Why Can't They Just Be Women??

2006-12-21T22:54:00.000Z

I was watchng the news earlier. They had a live press conference on that the police had called in relation to the suspects they are holding over the murders of 5 women in the Ipswich area. They were basically saying that one of the suspects has been realsed on bail pending further enquiries and the second has been charged with their murders.

It's been quite a news item in the last week or so. Headline news and all over the press...it even made the headlines whilst we were in Minneapolis "Britian has a serial killer on the loose" said the reporter in the States...along with the usual sensationalism.

What bugs me is that in every mention of these women's murders there is a need to tell us all over and over again that they were prostitutes. Why is that I wonder? If these woman had been of a different occupation would be repeatedly be told what it was? Perhaps but then again perhaps not...

Let's look past the fact that these women were prostitutes and remember that they were also someone's daughters or someones girlfriends or someones grandchild or someones sisters. Theres a human side to this story that is far more important than the fact these women sold sex. I hope the police have got their man...and hope he's put away for a long time..not for killing prostitutes but for killing women.

Jenny xx

Christmas Jeers....

2006-12-21T17:42:00.000Z

Bah Humbug and all that.

This is the other side of Christmas (I hate typing the word Christmas cause I type that fast it always comes out as Chrostmas...bugger whoever put the "O" next to the "I" on a keyboard!).

The shops are bloody heaving. Spaces are like gold dust. Queues are massive and we're paying full price for shit that will be reduced by 50% in 4 days time.

Every time I think I've sent my final card another one drops through the door from someone I've forgotten. Bloody cards...30-odd for his classmates, 30-odd for her classmates, special one's for Mums, Dads, Boyfriends, Grannies, Sons, Daughters, the ones for the neighbours, one's to old friends now far away, one's to the rest of the family, one's to work mates and one's to people you met on holiday once and have never seen again. What a bloody hassle. I'm sending cards to people I never see from one years end to the other and to people I don't even like much!

Then there's wrapping...sellotape sticking in the wrong places, paper that you measure by eye and find is too bloody small to go round whatever it is you want to wrap.

As for food?? Why do we still insist on shopping like there's a fecking siege coming? Buying up tubes upon tubes of pringles and tubs upon tubs of dips because your Auntie might pop round unannounced and you need to have nibbles in? Any other time she'd settle for a biscuit with her tea!

It's all nonsense...all of it.

Bah fecking humbug.

Jenny xx

Christmas Cheers....

2006-12-21T17:29:00.000Z

Hurrah for Christmas! It is now 17.30 hours on 21st December and I have offically finished all my shopping!

The kids and I went out tonight and got a few extra bits and pieces for Better Half and in doing so concluded the 2006 Christmas shop! Nae luck to those of you who will be battling it out for car parking spaces in shopping centres or for the last remaining bag of sprouts over the next few days!!

Tomorrow morning I'll be getting tooled up with sellotape (real stuff cause the cheap stuff is worse than hopeless!!), scissors and gift wrap and finishing the wee bit wrapping I have to do...the kids break up at 12 noon...then it's tacky Christmas films and a feeling of general excitement and anticipation for the next 2 and half days!!

It's dinner at ours this year. This is our first in-the-house dinner for 2 years. Mum, Sis and her troops are all coming to stay on Christmas Eve like last year so all 8 of us can open our pressies together...it'll be choatic, noisy and messy but damn it that's what it's all about! What better day to let the kids off the lead a bit?? Or for that matter your Mother?? Mine's tends to get as excited as the kids on Christmas morning!

So roll on Sunday night cause I'm ready to go!

Jenny xx

Kisses To The Sky...

2006-12-20T10:05:00.000Z

It's my Dad's birthday today. He'd have been 59.

A big kiss up to the sky for him to catch today.

Jenny xx

Tattoo Or Not Tattoo....

2006-12-20T09:28:00.000Z

Better Half wants a tattoo from Santa. Easy enough for me then. All I need to do is hand over the money to pay for it! This will be tattoo number 9 for him...at least I think it's 9! He likes a tattoo does Better Half. My favourite to date is his latest one which he's had for about 9 months or so. It's on the inside of his wrist and is a nice simple design which reads Jenny in a lovely font!!

This time round he's after a tattoo of the number 13. 13 is a number Better Half likes...his birthday is on the 13th and he see's it as a lucky number for him. We've spent the last few days debating as to where he should put his new art work.

It's also got me thinking as well. I have 3 tattoos. All quite small and in places where they ain't too obvious! I quite like tattoos but I'm not a fan of women having huge ones or putting them in the wrong places...I hate it when you see a girl with a massive one on her forearm for example. Mine's are visible if I want to show you them and that's how I like it.

Like most people with a tattoo I have become a bit bored with my first one. I got it on a whim. I was on the bus with my Sister one day and we went past the tattoo shop and suddenly said "let's get a tattoo"...30 minutes later it was done! It's alright...a small dolphin to my right shoulder but it looks kinda tired now so I've decided to get it covered over.

I want something that will remind me of my Dad and mean something to me as well. So after a few years of toying with various ideas I've decided to settle for a guardian angel. It fits in with all my criteria...I'm a believer in guardian angels and reckon Dad is my angel now...always with me looking over my shoulder. So it will tie in nicely that my guardian angel will be situated on my shoulder.

Trouble is I couldn't find a design I like anywhere...I've looked in books, tattoo shops from Inverness to America and trawled the web. I have now found 2 that I quite like. I say quite like becuase they're still not 100% what I want but they're close enough to be altered to suit my needs by an artist. Here's the two I've seen...

This one is from a t-shirt for the band Stone Sour...fecked if I know who they are but I spotted the t-shirt front and liked the angel!!

This is the second...Blogger won't let me make it any bigger...it's quite hard to see and bizarrely was found in Woolworths on the cover of the DVD for the above film!

Both have a ribbon detail to allow for writing...I like that idea although what to write on them is still up for debate. Something incorporating bits from both would be nice. Although I'm leaning a bit more towards the second one...what do you think??

Why do I need to be so picky? Why can't I just want a simple 13 like he does?? Maybe it's becuase I'm a girl and therefore everything needs to be a drama!

Jenny xx

I'm Back...

2006-12-20T09:00:00.000Z

Well that's me back from another trip across the pond.

The shops in Minneapolis have less stock in than they did when I arrived. Mum, Sis and I did Scotland proud and if there was an olympic gold for shopping I reckon we'd have won it! We hit the stores like wee Scottish hurricanes.

I landed back in Glasgow with exactly One Dollar & 16 Cents to my name...I always believe that if you come home skint you've done the job well!

That picture encapsulates the whole mood of the 5 days...dump the bags and head out for more! What a bloody mess!

I added 3 pairs of shoes to my collection and brought back another 6 pairs for the rest of my troops...well when you're getting Timberland boots for $9.99 (yes $9.99 a pair, that's about £6 as opposed to the £60 the same ones are in a shop about 4 miles from my house!!) and K Swiss trainers for $22.99 it would be rude not to buy them!

We didn't just shop though...oh no we also saw the sights...we saw the worlds largest gingerbread house, every bit of it made from edible goodies. Mind you it was slap bang in the middle of the Mall so I suppose you can't really call it sight seeing!

So with Minneapolis out the way for another year all attention is now on getting ready for Santa coming...It's all very well shopping for the stuff but wrapping it will take some doing!

Jenny xx

Tomorrow...

2006-12-11T13:40:00.000Z

I'm away to Minneapolis till Sunday! Yippee!

Yep it's that time of year again when Mum, Wee Sis and I head over the pond to indulge in a bit of child-free, man-free retail therapy.

It'll take the now usual form...flight from Glasgow to Reykjavik, a few hours in Iceland and the customary trip to the Blue Lagoon before heading off to Minneapolis. No doubt we'll still marvel at the fact we leave Iceland at 5.20pm and get to Minne at 5.31pm! It's tradition. As is being in the bar by 8pm with a Vodka Cranberry in hand!

The Blue Lagoon on a typical December afternoon...the sight that awaits us tomorrow!

There has been one slight change to our plans this year though. We will be staying at a different hotel this time round. I've a feeling this may lead to a bit of chaos where driving is concerned as we were quite familar with the routes needed to all the major shopping areas from our old hotel! Still it ain't a holiday unless you get lost!

The majority of our time will be spent in The Mall Of America browsing the 397 stores and up at the Outlet Mall wandering round the various areas of stores. There will be time for a wander round Downtown to take in the delights of the department stores and slaver over Jimmy Choo's and Juicy handbags. There may even be time to fit in the manicure and pedicure...well with all that walking your feet need a treat!

I get excited just thinking about entering that door!

So I bid you farewell friends. It's now 2.05pm and I haven't even started to get ready to go....saying that how long does it take to throw a few pairs of knickers, your make up, one pair of jeans, one t-shirt and a pair of pj's into a case? Anything else I need I'll buy when I get there!

Cheerio! Stay safe till I return!

Jenny xx

Elvis Has Left The Building...

2006-12-11T12:30:00.000Z

And so it came to pass.

On Saturday at 6pm the statement finally arrived. It was brief and to the point...

"Heart Of Midlothian FC and Steven Pressley have reached an amicable agreement to part company with effect from today"

And there in those 19 words the hopes of any reconcilliation were dashed.

Steven signed for Hearts in the summer of 1998. I doubt any of us realised back then what an important signing this would turn out to be. Elvis went on to become the backbone of the Hearts defence, the man who wore the Captain's armband and wore it well. A man who drew respect by the bucket load from not only the Jambo family but from many a neutral. Steven Pressley was, and I'm sure will continue to be, a shining example of how a professional footballer should behave. A true gentleman and one never to busy to stop for the fans, to chat to the kids, sign the autographs and pose for the pictures.

The writing had been on the wall for almost 6 weeks now. Ever since the now infamous "Riccarton 3" statement in which Elvis, flanked by Hartley and Gordon told of significant unrest in the dressing room and Elvis' subsequent withdrawal from the game against Falkirk questions have been asked about his future at the club.

And so it was on Saturday that the man who had proclaimed he wanted to see his career out at Hearts, the man whom we named Cup Final day after only 6 months ago, the man who has been seen as the mainstay of this team was no more. The fans who had chanted his name week in, week out robbed of the chance to say a final farewell to him. Whatever the in's and out's of how and why this happened, no matter who was right or wrong...the fans who pay the money surely had a right to be able to say farewell to a man who has reached and thoroughly deserved the title of Hearts Legend.

How ironic that on the day we find out he is to leave our club, the Steven Pressley Legend banner fell from it's place high on the tower in Tynecastle and was left crumpled.

Farewell Elvis...Thanks for the memories, watching you lift that Scottish Cup in May and bringing it home to Tynie is something we'll never forget. I have a feeling you will be one ex-Hearts player who will hear his name ring out at tynie when you next appear there..whatever colours you are in instead of the usual boo's.

One Steven Pressley...There's only one Steven Pressley....

Jenny xx

Sometimes It Bites You In The Ass..

2006-12-10T19:49:00.000Z

Wind Up's. They can be highly amusing if done correctly. Some people make a career out of doing them. There's a radio station over here that does them reguarly in the mornings to good effect, shows like Punk'd pull off high level ones. I myself have instigated one or two in my time...a fact I'm sure Ross will testify to.

There is though a fine line between a humourous wind up and over stepping the mark into dangerous territory where the joke back fires and you just piss people off. That occurs when you take it too far. When you just cross the line thinking you'll be safe because your performing the wind up from a distance and you think no-one knows who you are. When you see the reaction and want to goad it some more. When you think you have the upper hand and you just push the button a wee bit harder and the witty remarks become insults instead.

To be able to carry off a good wind up, in particular when the person you are winding up is known to you quite well, you need to know when to call it a day. You need to have a bit of intelligence to read when enough is enough...to make a get away before you leave evidence behind that if looked at closely enough will reveal your cover.

For example if your wind up took the cover being done by written word (perhaps by passing yourself of as someone your not) then you have to look carefully at what you write because silly spelling mistakes and the words you use can all give clues to your identity, your age and your sex.

So to the little wind up merchant who has been trying his hardest to come the smart ass in recent times with me...

If I had to mark your report card it would need to read must try harder. I know who you are and I know that you know that I know who you are (did you follow that or was it too difficult for you?). So we'll leave it at that...never try to kid a kidder...espcially one more intelligent than you. Come back and try again when your old enough to vote!

Jenny xx

I've Been Rumbled...

2006-12-07T22:21:00.000Z

I have only ever told a handful of people about this blog...in fact I told only 2 people initially. One was my Sis and the other was Ross, who was single-handedly responsible for me starting this thing. Since those days way back when I've picked up a few waifs and strays who drop by regularly to read this nonsense that I write...yes South African people you are in with the waifs and strays. I've also picked up a few readers I'd happily rather not have (you know who you are!) but though I never understand it they're a faithful wee lot my regular readers.

However, a quick look at my stats has revealed a bizarre thing. On Tuesday I had 359 different people look at this Blog. Now normally in the average day I have about 20-odd so this raised my wee eyebrows. Closer inspection revealed they had all come from the same place...Jambo's Kickback!

A thread appeared called "Does anyone know this girl?"...so I've been rumbled!

Och well! That's my nice girl cover blown now...they'll read this and realise I'm a complete nutjob! Actually come to think of it that'll mean I fit in well on JKB!

Jenny xx
p.s Mon The JT's!!

Conspiracy Theory Or The Truth...You Decide...

2006-12-04T00:48:00.000Z

9/11.

A date we all know well. It was the day terroists flew planes into landmark sites in the USA. The day the WTC came down. We've all got an idea of events on the day. We watched it unfold on TV. We also know that there have been various alternative theories as to what happened. Some have been dismissive of these. Some believe there was hidden agendas relating to what happened...

Hit the link and watch the video...be warned it's long, this is a full documentary...it may though just give you another angle with which to look at events from that day. Conspiracy Theory? You decide.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6708190071483512003

It works for me now!!

Jenny xx

Hurrah!!

2006-11-29T22:12:00.000Z

I have written on here before about trips to the Passport Office and the inevitable farce that goes along with it.

Today I made yet another trip to Weegieland to said Passport Office. I think due to the number of times I seem to go there I should really have a specially customised seat with my name on it. This time I was accompanying my Sis who needed to renew her passport. As we are off to the States in 13 days (yippee!) she needed to renew it now as there was less than 6 months until it expired and the States being the States won't let you in without 6 months clear left on your passport.

I was braced for the usual idiot behind the counter, the usual silly statements and sillier questions, the argument, the nonsense and general pissing performance that we always encounter whenever we go there. However....

We handed the form in, did the photo's and paid and 3 hours later, with no problems at all, got her passport! It's a miracle! Hurrah!!

Jenny xx

(p.s Dear Sister, the photo is a topper. 10 years!! It'll be on there for 10 years!! What a day to have a big spot!! Still you've gained a nose so it's all good!)

You've Got To Laugh....

2006-11-29T22:05:00.000Z

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! ROFL! LMAO! LOL! SMSL! FOFL!

I got a letter in the post today. I read it. It made me laugh. I am not at liberty to share with you what it was about or what it's contents were but... I got a letter in the post today. I read it. It made me laugh.

That is all.

Jenny xx