I like to laugh. One thing that makes me laugh is life. Another is a sarcastic wit. Another still is a dry sense of humour. So it stands to reason I like comedians who base their act on nothing more than observing life and telling us about it...because let's face it...it's the everyday things that are funny.
I got sent this in an email and it made me smile. It's wee observations from a well known comedian...read it first and it'll tel you who it is at the bottom.
Irritations...
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is? Em No.
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.
Yep it had to be really didn't it? It's Billy Connolly.
Jenny xx
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Interviews...
So I'm reading an article on the web about interviews for jobs. Apparently in a year or so's time 80% of vacancies in the UK will be filled using competency based interviews. You know the ones where you are asked the old "Can you give me an example of a time when you went out of your way to provide great service?" type thingys. One question for each of the competencies that go with the job.
It states that already across the UK almost every council uses this method to employ staff as do the majority of major retailers. Mmmm. Made me think did that.
What happens if the job you are applying for is, say, Lollipop Lady (which is obviously called something posh now like Childrens Traffic Safety Officer or some such nonsense). What do you do then? What competencies do you need to display?
Interviwer: "Can you give an example of a time when you have safely managed to stop traffic?
Candidate: "Well aye. I once went to a crossing, pushed the button and waited on the green man before proceeding across the road in a safe manner making it to the other side in one piece"
Interviewer: "Excellent. Now this job requires you to work in all weathers so can you tell us of a time you've had to cope with all weathers?"
Candidate: "Well I've lived in Scotland all my life so I'm used to getting four seasons in one day. I once went to Asda and it was sunny when I left, windy by the time I got there and it was raining when I came out and by the time I got home again it had turned to sleet but I still got my shopping in."
Interviewer: "Superb. You will appreciate there are skills required for this role, both mental and physical. What qualifications or skills do you have that you feel are suitable for this post?"
Candidate: "Oh I think I have all the skills required. Firstly I have a lot of experience in crossing the road and have been doing it since I was old enough to walk really. I learned my green cross code aged about 4 from seeing those adverts which had the boy who played Darth Vader in them and I've never been knocked down. I was a member of the Tufty Club at school and even got badges with Tufty and his pals on them. To this day I never cross a road without first saying to myself "stop, look, listen and think and never go between parked cars". I also know how silly it is to walk out from behind an ice cream van. In addition, I went to Blackpool once and got one of those really big loolipops and lifted it no bother when I was eating it so physically I think I'd be ok. I also really suit flourescent yellow."
Interviewer: "Great. Well thank you and we'll be in touch"
Or what if the job you are after is a wee part-time thing in a supermarket stacking shelves?
Interviewer: "Now organisational skills are very important to this job. Can you provide an example of a time when you've needed excellent organisational skills?"
Candidate: "Oh yes, I have 5 kids so every day is a fine display of organisation from me. I get them washed, dressed, fed and watered, schoolbags sorted, lunches sorted and out the door 5 days a week before 8:30am"
Interviewer: "I see. Good. What about visual display skills? Can you give me an example of a time when you have gone that extra mile to make sure something looked just right?"
Candidate: "Well you should have seen my Christmas dinner table settings. They were fabulous. All co-ordinated in Gold and Green and Red. It took my ages to get everything just right but everyone said how lovely it looked"
Interviewer: "Splendid. A major part of this role involves flexibility so for example, from time to time you may be required to go onto tills if it gets really busy. Can you provide an example of a time when you've had to be flexible and change your plans at short notice and how you dealt with this?"
Candidate: "I'm very flexible because I've done yoga for years and I used to go to gymnastics as a child. Oh I see what you mean! Silly me. Well yes I do have an example. Once I was supposed to meet my Sister outside Debenhams. We chose Debenhams becuase I wanted a new Lipstick and a fascinator for a wedding I was going to and they have loads in there, anyway my Sister rang my mobile when I was on the bus and said she could we change it to meeting outside Boots instead because her daughter had nits and she needed to get lotion for her hair. Of course being a flexible sort of person I said yes and I just got of the bus a stop earlier. We got her nit lotion and I got a Lipstick in there instead which was on offer and then we went onto Debenhams and I got a lovely pink fascinator to match my dress for the wedding."
Interviewer: "Excellent! Well thank you and we'll be in touch"
It's a bit daft really isn't it? I've done 2 interviews like this in my lifetime (I got the job both times I might add) but then in all honestly it's kind of hard to screw it up if you have the ability to think on your feet. I mean seriously 99.9% of people who go to an interview lie at some point and in competency based interviews you just lie a bit more don't you? Oh aye I once had to deal with a really bad customer who came in and pointed a gun at me and said he was was kill us all but I listened to his issues, spoke to him in a soothing manner and by the end of it we were best friends and I got a big promotion and a big bonus in my wages and everyone loved me and now I'm gonna come and work for you and do the same thing.
It's all bollocks and this is how we end up with fuckwits who can't read or write or who do not have the slightest grasp of grammar in positions of power in this country. Yes the fact you can lie your way into a job may help someone climb a ladder who deserves it and can do the job but it also aids the retards with smart mouths and nothing else to offer the same chances. It's all screwed up I tells ya!
Jenny xx
It states that already across the UK almost every council uses this method to employ staff as do the majority of major retailers. Mmmm. Made me think did that.
What happens if the job you are applying for is, say, Lollipop Lady (which is obviously called something posh now like Childrens Traffic Safety Officer or some such nonsense). What do you do then? What competencies do you need to display?
Interviwer: "Can you give an example of a time when you have safely managed to stop traffic?
Candidate: "Well aye. I once went to a crossing, pushed the button and waited on the green man before proceeding across the road in a safe manner making it to the other side in one piece"
Interviewer: "Excellent. Now this job requires you to work in all weathers so can you tell us of a time you've had to cope with all weathers?"
Candidate: "Well I've lived in Scotland all my life so I'm used to getting four seasons in one day. I once went to Asda and it was sunny when I left, windy by the time I got there and it was raining when I came out and by the time I got home again it had turned to sleet but I still got my shopping in."
Interviewer: "Superb. You will appreciate there are skills required for this role, both mental and physical. What qualifications or skills do you have that you feel are suitable for this post?"
Candidate: "Oh I think I have all the skills required. Firstly I have a lot of experience in crossing the road and have been doing it since I was old enough to walk really. I learned my green cross code aged about 4 from seeing those adverts which had the boy who played Darth Vader in them and I've never been knocked down. I was a member of the Tufty Club at school and even got badges with Tufty and his pals on them. To this day I never cross a road without first saying to myself "stop, look, listen and think and never go between parked cars". I also know how silly it is to walk out from behind an ice cream van. In addition, I went to Blackpool once and got one of those really big loolipops and lifted it no bother when I was eating it so physically I think I'd be ok. I also really suit flourescent yellow."
Interviewer: "Great. Well thank you and we'll be in touch"
Or what if the job you are after is a wee part-time thing in a supermarket stacking shelves?
Interviewer: "Now organisational skills are very important to this job. Can you provide an example of a time when you've needed excellent organisational skills?"
Candidate: "Oh yes, I have 5 kids so every day is a fine display of organisation from me. I get them washed, dressed, fed and watered, schoolbags sorted, lunches sorted and out the door 5 days a week before 8:30am"
Interviewer: "I see. Good. What about visual display skills? Can you give me an example of a time when you have gone that extra mile to make sure something looked just right?"
Candidate: "Well you should have seen my Christmas dinner table settings. They were fabulous. All co-ordinated in Gold and Green and Red. It took my ages to get everything just right but everyone said how lovely it looked"
Interviewer: "Splendid. A major part of this role involves flexibility so for example, from time to time you may be required to go onto tills if it gets really busy. Can you provide an example of a time when you've had to be flexible and change your plans at short notice and how you dealt with this?"
Candidate: "I'm very flexible because I've done yoga for years and I used to go to gymnastics as a child. Oh I see what you mean! Silly me. Well yes I do have an example. Once I was supposed to meet my Sister outside Debenhams. We chose Debenhams becuase I wanted a new Lipstick and a fascinator for a wedding I was going to and they have loads in there, anyway my Sister rang my mobile when I was on the bus and said she could we change it to meeting outside Boots instead because her daughter had nits and she needed to get lotion for her hair. Of course being a flexible sort of person I said yes and I just got of the bus a stop earlier. We got her nit lotion and I got a Lipstick in there instead which was on offer and then we went onto Debenhams and I got a lovely pink fascinator to match my dress for the wedding."
Interviewer: "Excellent! Well thank you and we'll be in touch"
It's a bit daft really isn't it? I've done 2 interviews like this in my lifetime (I got the job both times I might add) but then in all honestly it's kind of hard to screw it up if you have the ability to think on your feet. I mean seriously 99.9% of people who go to an interview lie at some point and in competency based interviews you just lie a bit more don't you? Oh aye I once had to deal with a really bad customer who came in and pointed a gun at me and said he was was kill us all but I listened to his issues, spoke to him in a soothing manner and by the end of it we were best friends and I got a big promotion and a big bonus in my wages and everyone loved me and now I'm gonna come and work for you and do the same thing.
It's all bollocks and this is how we end up with fuckwits who can't read or write or who do not have the slightest grasp of grammar in positions of power in this country. Yes the fact you can lie your way into a job may help someone climb a ladder who deserves it and can do the job but it also aids the retards with smart mouths and nothing else to offer the same chances. It's all screwed up I tells ya!
Jenny xx
First Up...
This Blog is now officially a football free zone. Football is a game which is no longer aloud to be discussed on here. The actual thing of kicking a ball about with the object of scoring goals is no more on here. There will be no more talk of happiness in the stands or trips to away grounds or details of delightful goals or skills witnessed. Football is now banned here on this blog.
Luckily for you all though this ban will not affect my coming on here and writing about Heart Of Midlothian FC, the team that I personnally choose to support. How can this be? I hear you ask. Simple, so far this season Heart Of Midlothian FC have not played any football nor anything remotely resembling football.
Therefore until they do the ban will obviously not apply to them. It is my humble opinion that it will be a fecking long time before the football ban affects the current Heart Of Midlothian FC team...bunch of useless tossers that they are.
Jenny xx
Luckily for you all though this ban will not affect my coming on here and writing about Heart Of Midlothian FC, the team that I personnally choose to support. How can this be? I hear you ask. Simple, so far this season Heart Of Midlothian FC have not played any football nor anything remotely resembling football.
Therefore until they do the ban will obviously not apply to them. It is my humble opinion that it will be a fecking long time before the football ban affects the current Heart Of Midlothian FC team...bunch of useless tossers that they are.
Jenny xx
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Woo Hoo...
In just a few short days the Scottish footie season returns!!
Monday night I shall be in section G at my beloved Tynie to see the Hearts demolish the Hibs. What a perfect way to start a season!
The old appetite was whetted on Saturday when we headed to Muddyfield to see Hearts play FC Barcelona in a friendly. So we got beat but who cares? It was Barca, it was Ronaldinho, it was Thierry Henry, I got blisters on my feet from my new trainers...
Jenny xx
Monday night I shall be in section G at my beloved Tynie to see the Hearts demolish the Hibs. What a perfect way to start a season!
The old appetite was whetted on Saturday when we headed to Muddyfield to see Hearts play FC Barcelona in a friendly. So we got beat but who cares? It was Barca, it was Ronaldinho, it was Thierry Henry, I got blisters on my feet from my new trainers...
Jenny xx
Jeez...
Well I knew there were some strange folks in the world but who knew they'd all be in Edinburgh on Thursday 2nd August? Is it officially "wierdo's day" and no-one has told me?
I only ask because I seem to have spent most of today surrounded by, dealing with and generally having to interact with stupid people.
In fact maybe today was "cannae hear you" day. Yeah that's probably what it was judging by the number of times I've had to repeat myself today!
"What part of no don't you understand?" and "And that's my problem how?" are my most used phrases today.
Just another day in the life of a working Mum.
Jenny xx
I only ask because I seem to have spent most of today surrounded by, dealing with and generally having to interact with stupid people.
In fact maybe today was "cannae hear you" day. Yeah that's probably what it was judging by the number of times I've had to repeat myself today!
"What part of no don't you understand?" and "And that's my problem how?" are my most used phrases today.
Just another day in the life of a working Mum.
Jenny xx
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