Monday, March 16, 2009

Not The Best Weekend...

For a Scottish Hearts fan who's English team is Man Utd.

Or for a Rangers fan.

Still that's life.

Jenny xx

Friday, February 20, 2009

Love Hurts...

It starts with a butterfly feeling. A nice anticipation in your stomach...almost like the feeling as you wait in line for a thrill ride...that nervous excitement you get. It continues by filling your head and causing your thoughts to focus on that one person. It shows itself in the attention you start paying to your appearance, actions and behaviour. It eventually grows until you need to act upon it...and then it becomes physical or at least we want it to as the animal instinct kicks in until finally it encompasses us and takes us over.

But is this love I talking about?

No. What I have described is lust and it's a whole different ball game from love but all too easily mistaken for it.

Lust has a funny way of fooling us into thinking we are in love or at least feeling love and that can have some consequence.

Now I don't want to knock lust or underplay it's effect...christ I love the feeling of lust! I've let it lead me into temptation more than once let me tell you and I'm sure the dents in my halo from where I tossed it aside in moments of lust will testify to that, not to mention the carpet burns!

Lust once encouraged me all the way to quick, thrilling sex with a male friend in a kitchen just feet away from where his girlfriend (and my good friend) lay sleeping on the sofa! I can't even say it dragged me kicking and screaming because that would be a lie...instead it grabbed me and consumed me for several months, weeks and days (as it was doing to him also). It increased it's hold on me by giving me little moments of encouragement...a smile, eyes catching each other across rooms, little touches as we past each other...all heightening the feeling and all increasing the levels of lust until it boiled over into an illicit encounter on a kitchen worktop! Ok, I'm being honest here so it was two illicit encounters in two different rooms, on two different occasions but whatever, I digress...

Am I ashamed of myself? Of course. I cheated on someone and did something that potentially would have destroyed a friendship and hurt someone I cared about badly. Do I regret it? Hell no. It was bloody good and it's a little secret that never got out in our circle of friends and is now buried in the past where it will remain. It was a moment of lustful madness. It meant nothing but at the time it meant everything...enough to risk being caught, enough to risk a friendship, enough to risk ruining relationships.

What it was not though was love.

Love is something altogether different. Love can start with lust or it can walk hand in hand with lust but as an emotion in it's own right? Love is, as my Other Half described it "just bigger, just different" and that's about right. Being in love just gets you somewhere right in the chest and holds you. It makes your heart jump and hurt all in a matter of minutes. It's not a feeling in your stomach like butterflies, it's like a bloody kick in the guts, a blow to knock you sideways. It gives you superpowers. The ability to read minds being one because love makes you finish someone elses sentences and know what they are thinking or feeling without the need to ask. It gives you the ability to communicate without speech. Makes your priorities change and comes with the ability to make you cry through sheer happiness or hurt at any given time. It makes you appreciate the sound of a heartbeat all the more and to thank someone that the chest next to yours in the bed is still rising and falling with breath.

Lust may take your knickers away but love can literally take your breath away.

Like I say it's easy to mistake lust for love but if you feel crap and it passes without leaving your heart aching and sore it was lust...lust rarely leaves your heart aching and sore for long, your ass cheeks from sitting on a kitchen worktop yes but your heart no!

So to the person with whom this post was written in mind....I guess what I'm saying is that in a week or two you'll feel better and you'll realise it was not love...not that love, not the love you were looking for or needed. If though in a week or two your ass cheeks hurt then we really need to have a totally different conversation!

Jenny xx

Hands Off The Moon. It's Mine...

Tonight I was given the moon by a very good friend of mine. So it now belongs to me. The only thing is that apparently I need to keep it in the sky and not in my house. That's cool though because big as the flat is I just don't have the room for it.

Why did I get the moon? Well apparently that's what you give to folks when you are trying to demonstrate that you'd give them something bloody brilliant if you could.

How nice to be deemed worthy of getting the moon.

But my very good friend need not demonstrate his feelings by climbing to the heavens to fetch the moon for me...for he gave me the best thing I could ask for when he managed to laugh and smile with me as we stood on the step tonight. That's all I need to make me happy.

Jenny xx

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Get The Black Armbands Out...

Today I lost a friend. Or rather I lost a friendship.

How so? Well if I actually tried hard enough I could probably keep the friend but the friendship is another matter entirely because it's now tainted and I find it very hard to clean things that are tainted.

I'm not a bad person. Oh I can be a bitter, twisted, coniving bitch of a person and I make a shit enemy but I am also an open, forgiving and thoughtful person.

Yet today I somehow managed to lose a friendship that had it's roots planted circa 1989.

C'est La Vie and move on? Yes usually, but this one has made me a bit sad because I know it shouldn't have come to this. I should have taken a step back and waited and thought it out but time was a luxury I did not have this week. What I had this week was a business to run and a very sick child to juggle which for all my skill with balls was a trick even I could not pull off.

What I needed was help this week. What I am not and never have been good at is admitting I am failing to manage things, to admit that I am out of my depth and not quite managing. This week I have not more ways than one.

I'm sad because when someone needs my help I will move heaven, earth and often my life out the way to do what I can. I will listen, shout, sympathise. I will phone, write and travel. I will send my own time thinking about them, for them. I will look for a way to work it out be it logically or in my own crazy fashion. I will not say there is no helping them even if it seems to be a lost cause because I hate to admit defeat. I'm nothing if not competitive.

This week when I needed help I whispered for it first, then I spoke loudly and finally I shouted. Sadly the person I expected to help me didn't answer. Perhaps that's the flaw right there...I expected...did I take it for granted that they'd hear me and come? Maybe and maybe that was wrong but then again I'm damn sure that that person knows they could take for granted I'd be there if they were shouting...hell I have been a number of times.

Bizarrely it's not as though I was expecting something for nothing. I thought (again obviously incorrectly) that I was also helping them in a way by asking for their help. Ok so it was financial help but help never the less.

They think I was taking the piss. They should know by now if I was taking the piss it'd have been on a much grander scale. Anyway since when did taking the piss mean trying my hardest to retain a place for them on a schedule which doesn't necessarily need them? Or offering them extras before others because I knew they'd benefit? Or putting myself at risk by breaking the rules to try and help them one day reach that goal of actually doing something more than look at grey Edinburgh just a wee bit sooner?

Yes I can be hard but I needed a friend this else needed was me that needed it and when I did my friend turned his cheek and mistook my cry for help as me taking the piss. Tonight my sick child sat alone in the house because I couldn't be with her. I feel like the world's worst Mother. Tomorrow I will feel the same.

However I can ease my conscience by knowing I am not the world's worst friend or boss.

I was there for short a time ago as last week when I was like a sister. And I know you are in a wierd place and I know you feel the world has it in for you but you know that I would have taken all of that from you if I could, that if I could have made the sun shine on you today I would, that if I could make her love you I would....but I couldn't because just for once this week I had to make the sun shine for someone else and had to try and take the burden from someone else and I failed at that and I feel I failed you...but you need to understand that you hurt me too.

The friend will always remain but the friendship? Is it possible to polish it till it shines again? That, my friend is up to you.

Jenny xx