Friday, November 30, 2007

And Just Cause I Feel Like It...

And cause it makes me smile when I think about it...

It's only 13 days until Minneapolis mark 4!!

Whoo Hoo!

I may not be much of a painter but I tell you if ever they make shopping an Olympic sport I'd be there with the gold medal round my neck.

Jenny xx

Good Idea...

I should know better. I really should.

Today I had a brainwave. I decided in my infinite wisdom I was going to paint the downstairs loo or W.C or cloakroom if you're posh.

I blame the BBC for this. If I wasn't for them showing some random programme this morning about tarting up your house I'd have happily sat on my butt with my remote control and a cup of tea and whiled the day away. But no daft olly here came over all Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen and made a wild dash to B&Q with contemporary thoughts and french chateau's on my mind!

Anyhow back I came, paint in hand, it's called "Illusion" which sounded a bit more classy than "Sexy Pink" and set about my task.

Course as soon as I started I remembered why I don't paint.

A) I suck at painting
B) It's beyond tedious
C) I am a messy tart and get more paint on myself than the walls.

Anyhow I've persevered and given it a first coat. It all went well and I thank the lord for swear words as those are all that have gotten me through the last hour...who knew I knew so many?!

"Illusion" has turned out to be less exciting than the name suggests...and is looking decidedly like white to me but I am assured by my 11 year old that it has a hint of grey/blue in it. Perhaps she's right. Maybe my eyes are just fecked from looking at the bloody stuff and squinting to reach the dodgy bits behind the toilet, sink and radiator!

Anyhow it's nearly time for round two. Jenny Versus The Loo. Although to be fair I doubt anyone would know it was me as I'm unrecogniseable due to the amounts of paint all over my hair has got a large "Nancy From Nightmare On Elm Street" style grey streak...I fear it might not be paint but the result of the stress I am suffering after yet another stupid idea.

I've got 3 and a half hours to finish this, clean myself and my mess before Him What Says I Should Never Touch A Paintbrush returns from work! Wish me luck people!

Jenny xx

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

First Up...

Right well that's me back. I've not been on here for ages. Haven't glanced at another Blog for long enough either. There's a few reasons for this. One is that I seem to spend half my life on Bebo or JKB or EBay or bloody Facebook now (cheers Ross).

I will need to pay more attention to this here Blog...if only I can find space in my hectic schedule!

Jenny xx

Saturday, September 22, 2007

What The ...?

With Christmas only 94 days away it'll soon be time to start thinking about what gifts to get your loved ones. Well here's the ideal gift for the special female in your life...the SheWee.

From the website...

Shewee Ladies Wee Funnel

Shewee, when positioned securely under the crotch, and with underwear pushed to the side, the Shewee ladies wee funnel directs urine away from the body to a suitable place, such as a toilet, a container or a conveniently located tree!

No more crossed legs or uncomfortable squatting.

Maintain your privacy and banish bare bottoms!

Stand up at public toilets to avoid unhygienic seats and smelly portable loos.

Hike/climb/ski/jog off the beaten track, miles from the nearest toilet.

Travel the world with the comfort of home in your pocket.

All women will benefit from using Shewee ladies wee funnel at some time. Comes complete with a hygenic carrying pouch.


Jenny xx

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Em...I'm Not German...

How comes when I publish a post it tells me it has been published sucessfully in German?

Jenny xx

Sick, Sick, Sick...

Right then I reckon I have the plague or at least some other horrible lurgy.

For the last fortnight I have been feeling rotten. Just a wee bug I thought when it kicked off exactly two weeks ago today but now? Well now I reckon I have some hideous superbug which is systematically detroying me!

It all began innocently enough. Achy bones and the mother of all headaches which lasted for 48 hours before easing of to the daughter of all headaches. By the Friday of that week the headache and achyness were accompanied by a temperature which was up and down more than a whores knickers. By the following Monday I felt knackered and had developed a sore throat. On the Tuesday I awoke to that nice runny nose that comes with a cold. By Wednesday I was into nostrils permanently blocked territory and needing to breath through my mouth due a lack of oxygen making it up my nasal passages! This wee phase lasted through to Friday when the runny nose had returned and was trying to choke me by sitting in my throat and attempting to drown me!

Saturday arrived and brought with it more snot and gunk and a headache...probably caused by me constantly blowing my nose in a bid to breath! By Sunday the gunk was there but was now accompanied by a dry throat which led to a nippy, irritating cough which wanted to appear every time I breathed to deeply or spoke and a tightness in my chest which was borderline painful whenever said cough reared it's head. That's how it remained until yesterday when the cough decided to get deeper and gunkier. And all the way through I have been plauged with sneezing and the inability to go more than 5 minutes without blowing my nose! Add to that a rash on my tummy, a throat that feels as thick as Pavarottis waistline and a mysterious red cricle under my arm and I'm kinda convinced I have some random plague type thingy!

I've self-medicated with every sort of over the counter remedy. Asprins, Paracetamol, Headaches tablets, Lemsips, throat lozenges and fresh orange but for some insane reason I seem to be getting sicker instead of better! I've tried to stay active throughout, getting on with stuff and getting fresh air but yesterday I admitted defeat and went to bed at 4pm.

I've also rung in sick to work as there was no way I was gonna make it through a 12 hour shift today (just as well really as I woke up this morning at 5am with a killer sore tummy and pain in my ears!). Anyhow the image of me standing behind my wee glass partition trying to offer advice, sympathy and air of authority to the public as they come in while excusing myself to sneeze, losing my voice and never being more than a minute away from a tissue is less than professional!

I'm gonna cave in again today and stay in bed. Hopefully the warmth and rest will shift this thing once and for all.

Anyhow if it's not shifted in a day or two I'm going to the Doc's as it might just be that an anti-biotic is required. I dunno what it is but I do know it doesn't respond to the usual remedy of retail therapy...I've bought a new american fridge/freezer, a set of new french doors, a new coffee maker, some new outdoor lights and a new car in the last week and none of them have helped!

Jenny xx

Saturday, September 15, 2007

A Wee Message To....

The SFA, Walter Smith, The biased media, All the soap doding Hun fans and to that fellow Divemaster Dad who lives in South Africa....;)


The Famous Heart Of Midlothian 4 - Glasgow Rankgers - 2

Mwahahahahahahaha!!!! Fan-fecking-tastical!!!! 'Mon The Mighty JT's!!!!

That is all.

Jenny xx

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

It's All In The Stars...

I got an email from a mate recently which said (and I quote) "I saw this and thought of you" below it was the title Friend and a picture of 2 little girls and underneath, the following quote "I wouldn't want to piss you off. You are sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising at times, defiant and bossy...but if I had to choose a mate to stand shoulder to shoulder with me in times of pain or advsersity I'd choose you"

It was based on me. As in the me she knows and the person I am. Some may have taken it as an insult. I took it as a compliment. I am all these things and more.

I am sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising, defiant and bossy. I'm also impatient, fiery, rash, extreme, and arrogant, impulsive, intolerant and can be insensitive and forceful.

On the other side I can be assertive, pioneering, enthusiastic, adventurous, humorous, fast-paced, energetic and passionate, sociable, talkative, brave, independent,competitive, eager, straightforward, headstrong, a leader, focused on the present and freedom-loving.

Personally I view none of these as bad characteristics! Anyhow these are the traits my star sign says I have so it's not my fault! I'm an Aries, it's a fire sign, it's numero uno and I have red hair so really I was never going to be some quiet wee wallflower with no attitude!

I make no apologies for being any of the above. All of them can be positives to a person.

I am defiant because I won't just accept things. I'm sarcastic but that can be a gift if used properly! I'm definitely impulsive (see Minneapolis!) and I do tend to live in the day and don't plan for the future too much. I am head strong...ask my Primary one teacher who had a battle on her hands with me because she couldn't keep up with me education wise and lost her class to the smart ass 5 year old who finished all her work first and then proceeded to tell the class to come and listen to a story or play outside! That poor woman had a nervous breakdown mid-way through the term and this smart ass 5 year old got the blame!

I'm also well aware of the fact that I can be intolerant and uncompromising. I have no time for people who are rude, abusive, stupid to the point of danger or ill informed but believe otherwise. I won't waste time arguing with a fool. I will, and I am about to be arrogant, use sarcasm or my brain to prove them idiots and leave it at that. Ask anyone who's ever heard me utter the immortal words "I'm right. I know I'm right and I'll prove it" which I happen so say a hell of a lot...oh and if on the off chance I'm wrong (which by the way is not very often cause I'm usually always right!) I won't apologise for it unless I've deeply offended you or upset you....and even then don't hold you're breath cause I'll have to have time to sulk! Cause I'm petulant as well...a trait not mentioned in my star sign!

I'm not brave though...reckless and over enthusastic to the point of doing daft stuff yes but brave? No. If you've ever seen me when a spider appears then you'd know brave is not a trait I display! That said if you wanna have a go then come ahead...I'll not back away cause I'm a strong-willed, headstrong, aggressive leader!! Lol!

As for being competitive? Well let's just say I want to pee quicker than the woman in the cubicle next to me! I am very, very competitive but not materially or anything like that. I just like to win or to support the winner. I'm a bad loser. That I will admit. The fact I share a house and bed with the world's most competitive man only helps to fuel me on! I gotta beat him at everything! It makes life intresting!

I reckon my mate knows me well. She knows that me being sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising at times, defiant and bossy means I will be right by her side backing her up till her nose bleeds if she needs me.She knows I will make her laugh when I think she needs to and will give it to her straight when she needs to hear it and that I'll happily wade in with a punch on her behalf if ever I need to! It's the way I am with everyone I love. It's also the way I am with the underdog. I'm a sucker for an underdog!

Yes, some would say these traits are bad things. Me? I like them. I'm no angel but who is?;)

But Hey let's remember I have a soft side too...I can be quiet, thoughtful, introverted and spiritual. I cry at X Factor for god's sake. I'm still scarred from Bambi's mother dying and I can't listen to Puff The Magic Dragon or Two Little Boys without welling fact I get emotional when one of bairns loses a baby tooth! Ane these admissions have just taken away any street cred I ever had!

Och well.

Jenny xx

Caved In Again....

Right so I came home from Florida and vowed I would not cross the Atlantic again until next years summer holiday (I've a feeling it'll be Florida again!). See since April 2004 I have been over the pond 9 times, having been 4 times to Florida, twice to New York and 3 times to Minneapolis. It might be ok if I was a business man going for work or if I was loaded and could jet off at will but I'm neither and given I'm not a fan of long haul flying and I can't really afford any more random trips to the States on a whim I decided to give it a miss till next year. A sort of self-imposed ban if you like!

Then my thoughts turned to Christmas and shopping and then in turn to proper cold weather and outlet malls and from there to cold, crisp days and freezing nights and to hot chocolate and cheap clothes and Macy's and Old Navy and Abercrombie and Fitch and Jimmy Choo and Juicy Couture and Christmas lights and parades and Chicken Fajitas in a downtown restaurant and a wee break from the kids and letting loose with my Mum and Sis and...and...well...I just...booked a wee flight across the Atlantic for December!! Oops!

To be honest it was looking at the pictures of previous trips that did it. Mum, Gill and I always have a laugh when we're there and it's the one time in the year we get to spend quality time just the three of us. Being ourselves instead of Mum, Auntie or Gran. Doing what we like, ripping the piss out each other (and Mum's driving skills), laughing at each others bra sizes (Mum buys them made to measure for a fortune, Gill buys them off the peg from the bigger sizes and I buy them from off the peg from the teenagers range! I'm not as well endowed as my Mother or sibling!)It's just chill out time when we can shop all day and kick back with a few vodka and cranberries over a meal at night. Oh and my Sis and I can con Mum into buying us things for Christmas that she wouldn't normally by appealing that we are her bairns!

So Minneapolis here we come for the fourth year on the trot. Now time to save the pennies to spend....which will mean no new shoes from now until then (well possibly a new pair of trainers!) but given my vast collection I have enough to go from September until December without wearing the same one's twice so I shoud be able to cope!

Course this all says a lot about me (apart from a love of shoes which borders on obsession). It says I am unable to stick to any sort of self imposed ban.

Jenny xx

While I'm Here...

I back Miko.

What a fecking uproar over a dive. Yes it was against Scotland and yes it could have proved a blow to our hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 didnae! All forwards do it. Yes it's cheating but hey look at Christiano Ronaldo or closer to home maybe Davie Weir or Gary O'Connor...both of whom cheated on Saturday.

Lithuania lost the game. We won 3-1. Miko dived. Big deal. If he does the same on the 17th October or 17th November against either Ukraine or France for Lithuania and they beat them he will be a national hero in Scotland.

Miko played better for his country than he has for ages in a Hearts shirt and had the better of Hutton from when he came on. More of the same on Saturday Miko son when Hutton comes calling with his Rankgers team mates!

I back Miko!

Jenny xx

No Smoke Without Fire?

Back in may when little Madeline went missing my heart went out to her parents. Like any other right minded person. However, it nagged at me that they had left her alone in the first place but still I thought "well hard lesson learned there". That though was 3 months ago. In that time my opinion has changed somewhat. I'm still perlexed by the fact they left 3 small children alone and for several weeks now I have thought there was a damn sight more to this than meets the eye. Now we find the McCann family firmly in the spotlight as possible suspects. Could it be a case of no smoke without fire? My attitude changed within weeks of her disappearance. Let me explain why...

1)It's never acceptable to leave small children alone. Bad judgement? Yes. Bad parenting? Yes. Does it make them responsible? Yes. If they were working class parents from an inner city they'd have been slaughtered for it. Yet they have never, bar once, mentioned leaving her alone. They have never said it was silly or stupid or it was there own fault...surely any parent would?

2)If you were going to "steal" a child why would you go for the one who can talk and cause problems for you? The one in the middle of the bed? Why not take one of the younger ones? Think about know this will be all over the news as soon as you've taken her. Why risk, if this is a straight abduction and she is alive, taking the one child most likely to say "where's my mummy?" in a public place.

3) It has become apparent the Maddie must be dead. The sheer volume of press would surely make it impossible for her to be alive. How did she get out Portugal? Let's face is she's highly unlikely to stil be there is she is alive. A small, blonde, english speaking child will stick out like a sore thumb over there now. So why are Kate and Gerry not willing to concede this? As before you could never risk taking Maddie out in public. She can speak for god's sake. It's too big a risk to take.

4) 3 year olds are not as daft as we think. We've seen it in the press often enough about wee scones who dial 999 to save Mummy or who have the ability to know their address. From the age of 2 a child has the mental ability to differ right from wrong. In this day and age it's few children who have not been told by their parents even at that young age about the dangers of strangers. In addition at that age children link to Mummy and Daddy in a big way. They do not have the ability to be concise in words but they certainly do possess the ability to cry, scream and stamp their feet when they are upset or want their Mothers. They do this even with people they knwo well when they want their parents. Maddie would surely have done this is she was alive. She would have, at some point, kicked off in a temper. Yet no-one anywhere in the world has seen it.

5) The timescale doesn't fit. The McCann's timing of their arrival is out of synch with another who attended the meal.

6)No-one knows when Maddie was last seen alive.

7) Kate and Gerry may well have the middle class stiff upper lip going on. Fair enough some people can control their emotions. I am one of them. I didn't shed a tear in public when my Father died. Alone though in private I was a wreck but I know this...controlled or not...if someone had one of my children I'd be freaking out. I'd be angry, I'd be emotional, I'd be scared, I'd be fearing the worst, I'd be out there looking, I'd be making threats of violence. In short my parental instinct would kick in. I've seen no evidence of any of this from either Gerry or Kate. Surely there is only so far a stiff upper lip can go? So we hear they cry at night...but where is the anger? Where is the emotion? Emotion is not just about crying. Even their pleas seem to lack emotion.

8) Sadly I know people who have lost a child. These people could barely function for weeks. Yes, tragically, they had clarity in that their child was dead but it doesn't detract from the fact that their was a gap in their lives which they could not accept. They dragged themselves through making plans, through visits from relatives and the grief of others and ultimately the funeral. Do not tell me it has not crossed Kate and Gerry's minds that there daughter is dead? Yet they seem to be carrying on with life. Facing the world with freshly washed hair and make up. Jogging round Portugal and jetting round the world (leaving their twins behind) to meet the pope, release records, distribute posters. I suspect the majority of us in the same position would be at best dishevelled, not quite as controlled and less inclined to leave our other children for a second. Their behaviour just seems to go against parental instinct. That thing inside you when you are a parent that just comes forward from the minute that child is put in your arms. That involuntary notion to protect, to love and cherish this little being. And most of all that emotion, panic and anger that comes from not having them there to protect, love and cherish. Or the guilt at not having done the job properly. Where is the guilt? I carry a guilt in me everyday that I did not manage to be there to save my Father. I'm not even his parent. I still wonder if I could have done soemthing even though I know I couldn't have. Where is the guilt? Where is the emotion that goes with it? Where is the "we're so sorry Maddie?"

9) The DNA? Well it an be explained away in a number of ways but let's think back...No confirmed sightings of the child. No witnesses saw or heard anything unusual. No-one able to confirm when Maddie was last seen. No-one went into the room to check them. The unlocked room. I know if I was checking my child I'd look in. Likewise if I was checking somene elses child. Otherwise why leave the door unlocked? Blood found in the room. Tiny specks. From where? How did they get there? Did Maddie fall? Had she cut herself earlier in the holiday?

10) Friends at the meal used the creche facility that night. Provided by the complex. There was also a babysitting service. Now even if you had to pay for it this is a couple who earn 6 figures a year or more. There is no excuse for not using it. Why didn't they? A witness has confirmed this was not the first night the children were left alone. Another has confirmed she heard Maddie crying and shouting out for her Daddy a few nights earlier while the McCanns were out. Yet on the night she apparently vanishes into thin air no-one hears anything? Are we supposed to believe that someone lifted a 3 year old child from a sleep, walked out a complex and took her with no-one seeing or hearing anything? That Maddie didn't wake and cry out or shout or struggle? Cause if she did then surely someone would have heard or saw something? And all this in the space of 10 minutes? Because apparently the McCanns and their friends checked every 10 minutes. Of course when Gerry went he was apparently gone 10 minutes and admitted to spending 6 of them chatting to someone. So 4 minutes from restaurant to apartment to check the children before chatting to this friend?

11)The McCann's firmly believe Maddie is still alive. So put yourself in that position. You're peaking to the press day in, day out for weeks in a bid to keep it in the spotlight, to keep yoru daughter in everyone's minds. You appeal to whoever has her to bring her back. Fair enough. However, given the massive press coverage and the fact your child is in every newspaper, on posters everywhere and on every tv set in the world is it not likey Maddie will see herself somewhere and ask questions if she is alive? Or say "Oh look there's me!" as 3 year olds do. Again it comfirms that anyone taking her with a view to keeping her alive would not be able to take her out, put her to school, to a doctor, to a restaurant. No-one is going to take that risk. She is no use to anyone who wanted to keep her alive. her parent you are absolutely sure she is alive somewhere...does instinct not tell you to appeal to your daughter? To tell her you love her and want her home. That you didn't give her away, that you miss her and that you are doing all you can to get her back. Why have the McCanns not said any of this? Forget the advice they might be getting. Gut instinct and emotion sometimes overrules everything else. Not once have they appealed to their child directly.

There is a theory doing the rounds...

That the McCanns may have sedated the children to help keep them asleep while they were out. They return to find Maddie dead. They desperately ty to resusitate her but fail. It's not an out of this world theory. So what do they do? Their daughter is dead. They prescribed medicine they shouldn't have. They have careers and 2 other children. Do they risk losing everything? or do they cover it up knowing there's nothing they can do for Maddie now? It's not outwith the realms of probability if it happened a day or do sooner than we were told Maddie disappeared. They would have had time to for the meal alibi and to get rid of the body.

I'm not saying this is what happened. I'm merely throwing up the option. I sincerely hope they did not do it. They would instantly become the most hated people in the country. I hope Maddie is found...even if she is dead as horrible as that one way or the other this can be put to bed. If the McCann's are innocent they need to get closure on this and if finding her proves they were involved then they need to be punished.

One things for sure...if they are innocent it's one of the first times there has been smoke without fire.

Jenny xx

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Made Me Smile...

I like to laugh. One thing that makes me laugh is life. Another is a sarcastic wit. Another still is a dry sense of humour. So it stands to reason I like comedians who base their act on nothing more than observing life and telling us about it...because let's face's the everyday things that are funny.

I got sent this in an email and it made me smile. It's wee observations from a well known it first and it'll tel you who it is at the bottom.


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is? Em No.

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Yep it had to be really didn't it? It's Billy Connolly.

Jenny xx

Sunday, August 26, 2007


So I'm reading an article on the web about interviews for jobs. Apparently in a year or so's time 80% of vacancies in the UK will be filled using competency based interviews. You know the ones where you are asked the old "Can you give me an example of a time when you went out of your way to provide great service?" type thingys. One question for each of the competencies that go with the job.

It states that already across the UK almost every council uses this method to employ staff as do the majority of major retailers. Mmmm. Made me think did that.

What happens if the job you are applying for is, say, Lollipop Lady (which is obviously called something posh now like Childrens Traffic Safety Officer or some such nonsense). What do you do then? What competencies do you need to display?

Interviwer: "Can you give an example of a time when you have safely managed to stop traffic?
Candidate: "Well aye. I once went to a crossing, pushed the button and waited on the green man before proceeding across the road in a safe manner making it to the other side in one piece"
Interviewer: "Excellent. Now this job requires you to work in all weathers so can you tell us of a time you've had to cope with all weathers?"
Candidate: "Well I've lived in Scotland all my life so I'm used to getting four seasons in one day. I once went to Asda and it was sunny when I left, windy by the time I got there and it was raining when I came out and by the time I got home again it had turned to sleet but I still got my shopping in."
Interviewer: "Superb. You will appreciate there are skills required for this role, both mental and physical. What qualifications or skills do you have that you feel are suitable for this post?"
Candidate: "Oh I think I have all the skills required. Firstly I have a lot of experience in crossing the road and have been doing it since I was old enough to walk really. I learned my green cross code aged about 4 from seeing those adverts which had the boy who played Darth Vader in them and I've never been knocked down. I was a member of the Tufty Club at school and even got badges with Tufty and his pals on them. To this day I never cross a road without first saying to myself "stop, look, listen and think and never go between parked cars". I also know how silly it is to walk out from behind an ice cream van. In addition, I went to Blackpool once and got one of those really big loolipops and lifted it no bother when I was eating it so physically I think I'd be ok. I also really suit flourescent yellow."
Interviewer: "Great. Well thank you and we'll be in touch"

Or what if the job you are after is a wee part-time thing in a supermarket stacking shelves?

Interviewer: "Now organisational skills are very important to this job. Can you provide an example of a time when you've needed excellent organisational skills?"
Candidate: "Oh yes, I have 5 kids so every day is a fine display of organisation from me. I get them washed, dressed, fed and watered, schoolbags sorted, lunches sorted and out the door 5 days a week before 8:30am"
Interviewer: "I see. Good. What about visual display skills? Can you give me an example of a time when you have gone that extra mile to make sure something looked just right?"
Candidate: "Well you should have seen my Christmas dinner table settings. They were fabulous. All co-ordinated in Gold and Green and Red. It took my ages to get everything just right but everyone said how lovely it looked"
Interviewer: "Splendid. A major part of this role involves flexibility so for example, from time to time you may be required to go onto tills if it gets really busy. Can you provide an example of a time when you've had to be flexible and change your plans at short notice and how you dealt with this?"
Candidate: "I'm very flexible because I've done yoga for years and I used to go to gymnastics as a child. Oh I see what you mean! Silly me. Well yes I do have an example. Once I was supposed to meet my Sister outside Debenhams. We chose Debenhams becuase I wanted a new Lipstick and a fascinator for a wedding I was going to and they have loads in there, anyway my Sister rang my mobile when I was on the bus and said she could we change it to meeting outside Boots instead because her daughter had nits and she needed to get lotion for her hair. Of course being a flexible sort of person I said yes and I just got of the bus a stop earlier. We got her nit lotion and I got a Lipstick in there instead which was on offer and then we went onto Debenhams and I got a lovely pink fascinator to match my dress for the wedding."
Interviewer: "Excellent! Well thank you and we'll be in touch"

It's a bit daft really isn't it? I've done 2 interviews like this in my lifetime (I got the job both times I might add) but then in all honestly it's kind of hard to screw it up if you have the ability to think on your feet. I mean seriously 99.9% of people who go to an interview lie at some point and in competency based interviews you just lie a bit more don't you? Oh aye I once had to deal with a really bad customer who came in and pointed a gun at me and said he was was kill us all but I listened to his issues, spoke to him in a soothing manner and by the end of it we were best friends and I got a big promotion and a big bonus in my wages and everyone loved me and now I'm gonna come and work for you and do the same thing.

It's all bollocks and this is how we end up with fuckwits who can't read or write or who do not have the slightest grasp of grammar in positions of power in this country. Yes the fact you can lie your way into a job may help someone climb a ladder who deserves it and can do the job but it also aids the retards with smart mouths and nothing else to offer the same chances. It's all screwed up I tells ya!

Jenny xx

First Up...

This Blog is now officially a football free zone. Football is a game which is no longer aloud to be discussed on here. The actual thing of kicking a ball about with the object of scoring goals is no more on here. There will be no more talk of happiness in the stands or trips to away grounds or details of delightful goals or skills witnessed. Football is now banned here on this blog.

Luckily for you all though this ban will not affect my coming on here and writing about Heart Of Midlothian FC, the team that I personnally choose to support. How can this be? I hear you ask. Simple, so far this season Heart Of Midlothian FC have not played any football nor anything remotely resembling football.

Therefore until they do the ban will obviously not apply to them. It is my humble opinion that it will be a fecking long time before the football ban affects the current Heart Of Midlothian FC team...bunch of useless tossers that they are.

Jenny xx

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Woo Hoo...

In just a few short days the Scottish footie season returns!!

Monday night I shall be in section G at my beloved Tynie to see the Hearts demolish the Hibs. What a perfect way to start a season!

The old appetite was whetted on Saturday when we headed to Muddyfield to see Hearts play FC Barcelona in a friendly. So we got beat but who cares? It was Barca, it was Ronaldinho, it was Thierry Henry, I got blisters on my feet from my new trainers...

Jenny xx


Well I knew there were some strange folks in the world but who knew they'd all be in Edinburgh on Thursday 2nd August? Is it officially "wierdo's day" and no-one has told me?

I only ask because I seem to have spent most of today surrounded by, dealing with and generally having to interact with stupid people.

In fact maybe today was "cannae hear you" day. Yeah that's probably what it was judging by the number of times I've had to repeat myself today!

"What part of no don't you understand?" and "And that's my problem how?" are my most used phrases today.

Just another day in the life of a working Mum.

Jenny xx

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Happy Birthday...

July has been a busy month birthday wise for me. Firstly a big Happy Birthday to my boy who has gone from being 6 year old to being 7 year old last Thursday in a haze of Scooby Doo, Transformers, PS2 games and Lego...yes Lego, how very retro!

Also Happy Birthday to Mike who was a year older on the 12th and to my big bairn Siobhan who was a very old 19 on Sunday in a haze of money and perfume! 10 year old was very chuffed to at last be buying a card with sister on it after all these years!

Happy Birthday Ya'll.

Jenny xx

It's All In The Sky...

Yesterday I looked up at the sky and there was a big dinosaur looking back at me. A few days ago when I glanced up I saw a wizard complete with pointy hat in the sky. In Florida I saw a witch on a broomstick heading across the sky far above me and only this morning I saw something that clearly resembled an elephant right above my back garden.

Now you'd be forgiven for thinking I've gone a bit loopy but I've not. You see all these images were made from clouds.

I was lying there a few weeks back on my holibobs looking up at the sky just watching the clouds pass over head (as they do around tea time in Florida in July just before the rain and thunderstorms hit) and I spotted what looked like a dog. A few days later (and bizarrely just after the radio had issued a tornado warning!) I saw a witch on a broomstick overhead (how very Wizard Of Oz!!) and it dawned on me how good clouds were.

We all did it as bairns didn't we? Looked up at the sky and saw things in the clouds. Well I have come to the conclusion that we should do it more. Why? I'll tell you why. It's theraputic. So you're a bit stressed out, you've been busy all day or you're just plain knackered. Go out and lie on your back in a nice spot and look up at the clouds in the sky and let your mind wander (course this will only work if there are clouds in the sky...otherwise it defeats the purpose!). Chances are that within a few minutes you'll see some image or another up there and you will just smile. I don't know why you smile but you just do. 15 minutes lying there and you'll feel relaxed and happy just watching the clouds go by. It's free therapy! It just makes you feel a bit happy and calm.

Clouds are great. So there.

Oh and while we're on a bit of "make yourself more happy" therapy here's one for you blokes to try...Next time you feel a bit pissed off bear this in mind.

When you are at work/out/whatever and you find yourself talking to a female colleague/friend/whatever think to yourself "I have a lovely penis you know" (change penis to your prefered word for it!) and you will find that you just smile. Not only will you just smile but you feel a slight sense of childhood silliness as well which will make you smile even more. Add to that the fact that the female will probably have no idea why you're smiling and the feeling of silliness will just increase.

Yes we're adults with responsibilities ans shit but sometimes when we're dealing with these responsibilities we just need to reconnect with ourr inner child and let loose for a minute or two.

You can't beat a smile to make you feel a bit better.

Jenny xx

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Still On America...

But on a different note...

It seems some random no good terrorist folks attempted to do bad deeds in Scotland whilst we were overseas. Most Americans who spoke to us or asked us about it where genuinely concerned and said they were glad it hadn't been much worse. However I got this by email while I was gone and although it's poking fun at the Americans it did have a slight ring of truth to it and made me laugh!

Terror Attacks. The USA versus Scotland.

So they came to Scotland and tried to do us a damage. Imagine if they'd done the same thing in a US airport. Here's some how the eyewitnesses from each country would have reacted.

American: "Oh my god! There was a guy on fire and I was just so scared. He was just running about the place on fire and I was so scared and it was all crazy and I thought I was gonna die!"

Scot: "Some guy wis oan fire and running aboot the place goin' mental so when he came near me I just gave a stiff kick and then decked him. Tosser"

American: "I just wanna get home. It's so scary to be here right now. I don't want to be near an airport or a plane. You just don't know if it's safe"

Scot: "Ah'll tell ye this. I'm no fecking leaving here till I get oan that plane tae my holidays"

American: "There was chaos everywhere. No-one knew what was going. We were just so scared and people were just running all over the place. We could have died"

Scot: "Place wis in an uproar man. Folk running aboot and that so I took my family up tae the bar and got a pint in till it aw calmed doon again"

American: "We thought he was gonna blow us all to kingdom come. He was on fire. He had a gas canister in his hand. He was trying to get into the trunk. It was real scary. We thought we were gonna die. We just ran for our life. I thank sweet jesus I'm still alive to tell the tale"

Scot: "There wis a boy on fire and he hud this gas thing in his hands and he wis trying tae open the boot o the car an that but he couldnae dae it. He wis shouting stuff and that so I went over and gave him a kick in the baws and then hooked him one tae shut him up. He didnae shout so much efter that"

American: "There was a huge explosion and we were so scared. I just ran for my life. I thought we were all gonna die. I grabbed my cell phone so I could ring my Mom and say goodbye. I thought we were all gonna be dead"

Scot: "There wis a big bang. It wis loud likes. I jumped a bit like and spilt some irn-bru on ma polo shirt"

American: "I'm feeling very traumatised and very upset right now. I'm not sure I'm up to talking about this right now. I seriously thought I was gonna die. I'm probably gonna need counselling"

Scot: "Aye I'm happy tae be interviewed pal but gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear cause if ahm gonnie be on the tele ah want her tae tape it like"

Course these are all fictional quotes but here are two real ones...

John Smeaton, who was actually on the scene and helped to restrain one of the terrorists was interviewed by several news programmes. During his interview with ITN News the interviewer asked John: "What message do you have or the bombers?" John replied "This is Glasgow. We'll just set aboot ye" and when interviewed for CNN News John was asked how he restrained the terrorist. John replied "Me and other folk were just tryin' tae get the boot in and some other guy just banjoed him".

Absolute class.

Jenny xx

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Rip Off Britain...

You know us Brits are royally ripped off. Everytime I go to the States it gets my back up at how fecking expensive everything in this country is. Let me show you what I mean...

I went to a store in Florida and made a few purchases (from the receipt which I kept) which were as follows:

4 pairs of boys jeans
1 denim jacket
4 adult hooded sweatshirts
1 pair mens cargo shorts
4 mens t-shirts
2 mens polo shirts
3 pairs ladies jeans
2 ladies casual tops
1 ladies long sleeved top
2 boys shirts
1 pair girls trackie bottoms
1 mens shirt
3 boys t-shirts
1 girls t-shirt
1 pair boys cargo pants

The total? $220. Or in pounds at the current exchange rate £113. I say again, £113. Now this wasn't some discount American outlet place this was a regular store on a par with somewhere like Debenhams here. Would I have gotten that much in there for £113? I don't bloody think so.

Let's take it a bit further will we? Say I wanted a new Toyota Rav 4...well here in the UK I'm looking at a base price of £19,999. If I bought the same base model in the states it'd be $21,686 or £10,870. For the same car? How can that be right? Or how about if I wanted a new washing machine? Maybe Whirlpool one with 12 settings for example. Well the price would be £422.99 or maybe I should pay $229.99 (£117) for the same one in the USA!

It does my fecking head in. Really it does. A flight from Edinburgh to London advertised today £189 return. A flight from Minneapolis to Orlando advertised today $110...double the distance and with the same air carrier but half the bloody price. Road tax? Nah, toll roads to pay as you go and if you don't use the route you don't pay. Discounts on attractions near you because you live there? Yes. $49.99 for an annual pass into the water park. Us? One day a year when the castle is free. Food? Don't even go there. TGI Fridays are offering a apecial deal just now... 2 courses for £10.99. TGI Fridays in Kissimmee? 2 courses for $10. Same food, different country.

As for Petrol? Do you the Americans are having a shit fit because their gas is up to $2.99 in places? That of course is a gallon though and not the hideous 89p per litre we pay here. Now fair enough in our gallon there are 4.54 litres and the US gallon only 3.78 liters but do the maths...4.54 litres here (litres are standard measure universally) would cost £4.04. So $2.99 for 4.54 litres seems like an absolute bargain. Here we accept the expense meekly with our usual stiff upper lip and British "let's take it on the chin" attitude yet in the States truck drivers are suing for millions in lost gas because at anything over temperatures of 64 degrees the gas expands and they are losing 0.4 of a gallon each time they fill up in hotter states and big haulage firms are suing for loss of earnings due to soaring gas prices. You wouldn't mind but damn me if we can't see fecking oil fields from the coast of Aberdeen! Yes I know that's bollocks and it doesn't matter that we have our own oil but it didn't stop the SNP using that little fact as part of their manifesto did it? Nor did it stop thousands of numpties voting for them either.

House prices? Another fecking bone of contention. $300,000 will buy you a 5 bedroom, fully furnished (and by fully furnished I mean right down to the lamps and cushions of your choice), decorated, new built detached home with a pool, 2 car garage and 3 bathrooms. That's £160,000 there abouts which if you're lucky will buy you a 2 bedroom flat in a stair in Edinburgh which may have a white bathroom suite instead of an avacado coloured one and if your dead lucky double glazing and central heating but you will have to pay and additional £700 per year for a parking permit to get your car outside.

As that chicken thing Caba-whatsit would say "Eeets an injusteece".

Pfft. Rant over.

Jenny xx

And So It Is...

That my 3 weeks in sunny Florida comes to an end.

"Ladies and Gentleman this is the flight deck again, we will shortly be commencing our descent into Edinburgh airport and have been cleared for landing. Current weather conditions in Edinburgh for our landing will be cloudy skies with some showers and the current temperature is about 15 degrees celsius or 59 farenheit. Please return to your seats in preparation for our landing. Thank you"

15 fecking degrees? I will admit to making a highly audible sigh when I heard that. Home sweet home indeed. I'd just spent 21 days hearing "Well it'll be another warm day here in central Florida with temperatures around 94 tomorrow but when you factor in the heat index it'll feel more like 104" from the very cheery meterologists on central Florida news 13 during their weather on the 1's updates! 15 degrees seemed positively arctic after that!

So we're home after a great 3 weeks which involved sun, fun, food and thrill rides and a few days lounging by the pool doing nothing with a book in hand which was bliss.

I did a fair bit of shopping...went out with 1 suitcase with clothes in it and 2 empty ones (one inside the other!) and returned with 5 full size suitcases, 1 hold all, 2 pilot cases, 1 vanity case and one back pack all full to bursting and a $100 excess baggage charge for being overweight! The weight limit was 24kg per case...4 of mine weighed in at 64kg each. Oopsy! But hey ho...America is the land of the free (or at the least the land of the very much chepaer than here (more on that later!. I have not looked at my bank balance nor do I intend to any time soon (although it's a fair bet my bank manager will be looking at it and shaking his head).

We are still in the realms of wacky jet lag/sleeping at the wrong time thing that happens when you return from the States but that'll pass by tomorrow so it's all good.

Jenny xx

Friday, June 22, 2007

Oh And Absolutley My Last Post Before I Go...

I got my season tickets last Saturday! Yippee! Well actually I got 5 of them to be exactly! I am £1450 poorer but all the money spent at the club stays at the club so I like to think I've just paid for a toenail of a new player!

And anyway when us Jambos win the league this year it means I'm guaranteed to be there to see it!*

*Well you gotta have a dream eh?

Jenny xx

Oh Before I Go...

A few wee jokes...

Camilla is speaking to the Queen. "You know Ma'am, everytime I suck Charles knob I get acid indigestion" The Queen looks at her for the briefest of moments and replies "Have you tried Andrews?"

Lothian & Borders Police have discovered the body of a man in the Forth. He was wearing a Hibs top, stockings, suspenders and had a dildo up his arse. The Police have removed the top to save his family any embarrassment.

A man was barred for life from his local swimming pool earlier this week. When we interviewed him he commented "Bastards! They have barred me from the pool. I was in my Speedos. How the fuck was I to know the S had fallen off? It's a bloody injustice!"

Jenny xx

Right Well I'm Away...

I love it when a plan comes together!

Yep at long last, after hours of phone calls and internet trawling I have finally sorted out our holiday! On Monday we are flying to the sun. You may be surprised to hear we are heading once more to the Sunshine State of Florida for our holibobs...ok maybe not surprised as such and more not surprised at all!

Anyway as a wee treat (and thanks to having a wee windfall earlier this year...nuff said!) we are going for 3 weeks instead of the usual 2 which means more time to lounge about doing bugger all! We are also flying scheduled instead of charter which we've not done for a good few years now.

So here's home for the next 3 weeks...

I'm not likely to get back on here before I head off what with packing and shit still to be done so I will bid you farewell! Be good until I return.

Jenny xx

Inspiration Required...

"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam" or
"I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head"

Ok so here's the deal. I have decided to get a wee latin phrase tattooed about my person. Now there's a fair chance that it will not be the one above...but it did make me chuckle when I read it and can you imagine how amusing it would be when someone asks what it means, fully expecting me to say something profound and me saying that instead?

At this early stage in proceedings I have no idea what I fancy getting...all I know is that it is going on my lower back alongside a design I already have there. I've been having a wee look about for something..."Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est" or "My God! I have an axe in my head"...mmmm tempted but perhaps that's not the one!

I'm thinking smething which reflects me and who I am..."Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis" sounds alright in Latin and "You do not know the power of the dark side" would be worth a giggle!

Ok so something which reflects me and who I am, something which reflects my life and my values maybe? Yeah that sounds deep and meaningful but then "quidquid latine dictum sit altum viditur" or "anything said in latin sounds profound"!

Seriously though, people I am seeking your advice on this one. If you can think of one then stick it here on the comments for us all to see. There's no pressure...but I feel it's only fair I tell you that the winning phrase so far is...

"Ego mos adepto vos meus pulchellus , vos quod vestri parum canis quoque"

You figure it out!! Course I may need to get a witch tattoo to go beside that phrase!

Jenny xx

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

This Blog Is...

Being a bit neglected just now.

I am seriously struggling to find the time to write on here for a whole variety of reasons. Let me tell you what they are..

1) I have been working. 12 hour shifts tend to leave little time for sitting on here and chewing the fat. Especially when you are going from day shift to night shift in 24 hours!

2) I have been trying to organise quotes for my building work. We've been working out what we want done and then trying to source quotes and companies to do it! It looks as though we are about to refit the upstairs bathroom, the kitchen and put on a sun lounge to the back, as well as a bit of basic stuff like decoration and taking out the wooden floors...I'm now toying with knocking out my stair wall to one side to make the back of the house open plan! So over the next few days I've got a pile of workmen heading out to see me!

3) I have been trying to arrange our holiday. This has been a shedload of work given it's not a basic package holiday so I've had to book the flights, accommodation and car hire seperately. It's been no easy task getting flights at this time of year either given it's trades fortnight (traditional local holiday time here in Edinburgh) when we are travelling. However, by the wonder of being me I have managed to secure flights, booked the villa and sorted the car so we're all set. In less than 2 weeks we will be heading out to sunny Florida for 3 weeks of sunshine and relaxation! We're going via Atlanta so I'll get to see the inside of yet another American airport! For the first time in over 5 years there will be just me, him and the kids going. I'm quite looking forward to it being just us for a change...3 weeks though? Well we'll either enjoy it or kill each other!

4) I've been spending a hideous amount of time playing Mafia on Kickback...again!

5) I've been meeting up with friends old and new for a beveridge or two. In fact for the last 3 weekends I've been out on the lash! Last game of the season was at Killie so I headed through for the day with my mate Beverley (Better Half was working!). We were in the pub from 9am so it was budweiser for breakfast and I called it a day (or should that be night?) at 10pm. The following weekend was Gill's birthday (details of which have already been made public!) and when Saturday rolled round again I was out with some like-minded individuals (ie fellow Jambos from Kickback) for drinks. We kicked the night off in The Westfield where there was much singing, drinking and general gibbering done with faces new and old before heading 'up toon' to a bar in the Cowgate to keep the alcohol levels topped up! Suffice to say the end of the night involved a journey in a rickshaw, sitting on an ancient landmark waiting for a taxi and getting home in the wee small hours! Still it's all good!

6) I've been trying to sort out tickets for the Hearts v Barcelona game at Murrayfield in July and make a decision about season tickets for next year as well!

7) I've been spending a bit of time on my Bebo page talking nonsense with various folks! Feel free to go and have a wee look if you like by clicking here . Or bunging in the user name Jennyjambo to the search facility.

In addition to all the above in the last couple of weeks, the end of term is again fast approaching and with it sport's day, end of term trips and general nonsense. In fact sport's day should have been on now...but this being Scotland, it's raining so it's cancelled!! It will be 'reviewed' at lunchtime!

So that's that then. I'll away and get on with something useful now.

Cheery Bye.

Jenny xx

Tuesday, June 05, 2007


Ok so now Ross has posted about Friday (which you can read about here) I feel it's only fair that I share my recollections with you all as well!

As you may have gathered Friday was the night of my Wee Sis's 30th birthday which to be a bit different was fancy dress. I appeared in my 80's gear looking like a total muppet along with my surfer dude Better Half, my T-Bird son and my pink lady daughter and spotted Ross and Yvonne already sitting with drinks in hand and smiles on faces. Minutes later Ross was at the bar and we hit the road to oblivion...

Now being someone who doesn't suffer when she drinks and always has total recall I have no blank spots...but having total recall and no hangover doesn't mean I wasn't ever so slightly smashed! So in a similar vein to Ross, here's my memories...
  • Drinking (despite my initial protests) shots of Aftershock within 30 minutes of arriving.
  • Telling my friend in front of her new boyfriend whom I'd only just met for the first time "Oh he's nowhere near as short as I thought he'd be. I was expecting a dwarf!"
  • Spending the best part of 20 minutes trying to bluetooth a video to Scott from my phone. Two drunks trying to work technology is never a good idea!
  • Having 4 drinks in front of me and arsing them quick style after being accused of lagging behind.
  • Disscussing the finer points of Ross' sex life and his principles of not sleeping with married/taken women.
  • Ross then telling me he'd do me if I wasn't with Better Half. (Oh yes you did!!)
  • Refusing point blank to walk to the bank with Ross half way through the night giving my reason as "I'm walking nowhere dressed like this and certainly not in 4 inch heels!".
  • Telling my friends new boyfriend that he better be nice to her in that "big sister" way you do.
  • Telling my friend she should be nicer to him cause he seemed a nice lad in a similar way.
  • Removing my skirt in the ladies because it was annoying me, folding it nicely and sticking it in my handbag!
  • Having an indepth conversation about draft lemonade and how it always tastes odd with a female in the cubicle next door to me as we both had a wee.
  • Telling Ross that he was trying too hard when it came to women. Explaining that the human hamburger would always pull over him because initially a relationship is based on lust and not poems and romance.
  • Being told loudly (as the music had stopped) by Ross that women were deep as puddles and we were all doomed!
  • Putting pink eyeshadow and mascara on some bloke during a game.
  • Slow dancing with Better Half and telling him if he was single I'd pull him.
  • Telling my sister and her pal they both loved a bit of grief and that if they smiled more they'd have less wrinkles.
  • Sitting on the toilet singing loudly and hearing a voice say "Jenny I want to ask you something. You'll know the answer" and replying "wait till I finish the chorus and I'm all yours".
  • Some horrid old man (who wasn't at the party) telling me he'd like to see my heels wrapped round his neck before wiggling his tongue at me and replying that if he wasn't careful he'd see my hands wrapped round his neck instead.
  • Drawing a sharp intake of breath as Ross reeled backwards towards the bowling green fearing the worst but seeing him saved by the ropes!
  • Telling Ross that due to his size and build it seemed likely he would have a small fat knob. (it's a wee personal joke)
  • Taking my step daughters boyfriend's mobile from him mid call and chatting to his friend Michael.
  • Dancing to Loch Lomond (that end of night thing) and Scott telling me that they were gonna play The Proclaimers next and how I wasn't getting to sit down and would have to dance to it and feeling the blood supply to my hand stop as he gripped it super tight so I couldn't escape!
  • Dancing to The Proclaimers and declaring to Scott "Us Jambos will dance to your Hibby songs because we are a better class of person".
  • Being a tad amused to see Better Half (who usually does not dance unless threatened) dancing away, on his own, in his flip flops to The Proclaimers and singing loudly but using swear words and sticking in the word Jambo's at every opportunity.
  • Meeting Karen and telling her that when our kids were at Nursery together a few of the parents thought she had cancer and was bald because she always wore a hat.
  • Losing a shoe and telling Better Half to find it as I loved those shoes and I would be devastated if I had to go home without one. All while pouting like a child.
  • Walking out the club and stopping for a chat with everyone outside for 15 minutes and at one point sitting down because it seemed like a good idea. Then asking a hideously drunk Ross to pull me back up. It could have gone very wrong but luckily it didn't!
  • Getting a taxi home (£27 robbing bastards) and getting into bed at about 3am and listening to Better Half puke for a while before falling asleep and leaving him to it!
  • Waking up at 8am, looking in the mirror and for a split second wondering if I had been in a fight before realising the blue tone round my eyes was last nights eyeshadow!

All in all it was a no bad night really.

Jenny xx

Sunday, June 03, 2007


A request has been made from up on high that anyone booked on a flight from Glasgow to Florida in the last week of June (i.e from 23rd onwards) cancel their flight immediately if not sooner.

This is for real. It's no joke. Apparently unless all you people booked on flights from Glasgow to Orlando cancel them right this minute there will be a war.

It's all down to the fact that some woman in Scotland can't get a flight out in the last week in June and if she doesn't get one soon she is going to start a bloody riot cause she needs a holiday! Rumour has it that this female will soon begin to stamp her feet, scream and generally cause a nuisance if she doesn't get her butt on a plane in the last week of June or first week in July for at leats a period of 14 nights. So if you all cancel yours then she can have her seats and world peace will not be threatened.

You have been warned.

Jenny xx

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Well Looky Here, She's Back!

I've not been on here for while. See I've got this new, fantastic website up and running elsewhere on the net now...I can slag folk off to my hearts content! Only kidding I've not really but I bet one or two of you were starting panic!

I've not been here cause I've just been hideously busy. Hideously? What a funny word to have used. Anyway, oh you know what? I'm gonna do this later because right now I am being distracted big style...

I'm lying on the sofa on the laptop. Better Half is lying on the sofa opposite me. Out the corner of my eye I can see his head moving. It's doing that nodding thing that heads do when you're falling asleep...and he's quietly snoring as well...but he's still clutching onto his can of Red Bull. Bless he's hungover!

I'll come back when he's woken up and I'm not constantly looking over to see if he's spilt the Red Bull over his stomach!

Jenny xx

Monday, May 14, 2007

Here's Hoping...

Like all right minded people I am hoping that little Madeline McCann, the little girl abducted in Portugal whilst on holiday, is returned to her parents safe and sound.

Right now her parents are living through all our worst nightmares. As a parent myself I can only imagine how they must be feeling. I've felt that heart-missing-a-beat feeling you get when you turn round and your toddler has vanished from sight...the flips in the stomach as you search for them. God only knows what that feeling must be like when you realise your toddler has been taken from you.

It must be even harder when you are in a country where you don't speak the lanuguage and where the police and authorities work in a way you are unfamiliar with. That wait for news, the feeling of uselessness you must have. My heart goes out to them. As I type this the Portugese police are searching a villa near to the complex where the family were staying.

Along with hoping that Maddie is returned safe I also hope that the circumstances which led to this horrible situation act as a lesson to all other parents. You just cannot leave your children alone in any type of accomodation, in any country, in any circumstances...even of you are only 400 yards away and go back to check every 30 minutes. Something Maddie's poor parents are sadly realising all too late.

Jenny xx

Friday, May 11, 2007

Fancy Dress....

So my Wee Sis is 30 on the 1st June. She's having a party and has decided to go with fancy dress.

After much consideration I've sorted my outfit. I'm going as an 80's chick.

I've bought myself a t-shirt with Frankie Says Relax on it, very similar to the one I owned way back when! I've got my fluorescent beads, lace trimmed leggings, my tutu skirt and my black lace fingerless gloves. Today I bought a few extra accessories...some dodgy pink plasic hoop earrings, lumious pink legwarmers and a jelly bag...

Jelly bags? They are a real blast for the past. The most pointless bags in the whole world ever. Plastic with a mesh design they were all the rage back when I was in primary 6...I had a blue one as a schoolbag. You'd leave for school with a pile of pencils in the bag and get there and have none left because they'd fall out the bloody thing! And they were hardly made for Scottish weather...anything in them got soaked when it actually had to put all your stuff in a plastic bag and then put that inside the jelly bag!! Superb!!

Anyway I'm all set. All I need now is 3 cans of hairspray to make my big 80's hair on the night and a plentiful supply of eyeliner and blusher and I'm done.

I'll be sure to get a few photos and stick them on...there's a surfer dude, a vicar, a cowgirl, a few hippies, some t-birds, a tart, a saloon girl, a few pirates, some 50's rock and roller's, 2 blues brothers and various other characters due to go so it should prove intresting!!

Jenny xx

Last Thursday...

Ross and I went out for dinner. It was a last minute decision and due to it being a nice night I suggested we hit a local pub which did grub and had a beer garden so we could sit out enjoy the evening sunshine.

However a quick glance in the bank for the both of us and we decided to upgrade to a meal in town and so we headed of to a restaurant which does chinese buffet. We filled our faces, talked non-stop, giggled like school kids, discussed the people around us (including the obviously gay Homie who seemed to have a severe case of unrequited love on his obviously straight mate) and generally whiled away a good few hours having fun.

There's nothing like having a male pal who you can be yourself with, chill with and who will join in when you sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight in car parks!

Jenny xx

Ooh I've Got Me Something New...

I've been off here for a while. Part of the reason for this is that I've been indulging in an online game of Mafia: The Rivals on JKB which has been taking up loads of my time.

The second reason is because I've bought myself a new laptop and I have just remembered that I hate the keyboards on them because they are laid out differently to the standard desktop kind and I couldnae be arsed typing too much on it until I get used to it!

I'm gonna be having a wee practice over the next wee while so I may well be back later to fill you all in on my activities of late.

Jenny xx

Monday, April 30, 2007

Oh It's Good To Be...

A party pooper. Yep in the immortal words of Britney Spears "Ooops we did it again".

After spoiling the Hibs CIS Cup win party at Fester Road on the 1st April us Jambo's managed to put a dampner on the Celtic League victory party at Darkheid yesterday with a nice 3-1 over them.

It was made all the sweeter by the fact we were give a penalty (nicely donated by the self styled Mr Hearts Steven Pressley). Penalties given at Darkheid against the 'Tic are few and far between. The last one being some 16 months ago.

We've had an up and down season us Jambo's and that poor spell back in autumn has cost us but we are the only team to have beaten Celtic twice this season and we are the only team to have put 3 past them (in fact we were the last team to put 3 past them as well with a 3-0 victory at Tynie exactly a year ago today).

Say what you like about Mr Romanov and his behaviour but these last 2 seasons have been the first I can recall were I have gone into games against either half of the Old Firm and not felt a draw would be a good result. We no longer fear them. And that has made a huge difference to us.

This season is all but over. But we're not in the place of playing games which mean nothing though. Nah the Jambo's like to take things to the wire nowadays and we're still in with a shout of disposing Aberdeen and stealing European football from them next season. We play them next in what is a massive game....just as we played them last season to clinch our Champions league spot. It's all still to play for!

'Mon the JT's!

Jenny xx

Thursday, April 26, 2007

My Opinion...

So Ross (all round good guy and great with oap's) and his sacking made it into the local press. Ross admits in the piece he regrets the whole episode and good for him that he seems to be big enough to admit that maybe he made some errors in judgement.

Now the thing is, I know first hand what Ross has gone through and how and why this all came about. You see I have been there and done that myself with the same people. Calm down readers (for readers - read members in high places within a certain establishment which has grass you can't walk on without special shoes)I am not about to spill all on what happened with me, but I am about to write a wee opinion and as they say on the news when they do the football scores, if you don't want to know then look away now.

Anyway my point is this, this whole mess (and believe me it is a mess) could have been sorted out with just a smidgen of common sense and a sprinkling of intelligence.

The Club has had it's name dragged into the press. There's a whole load of Bloggers who have read the piece and are now typing away on their own Blogs about the Club and what the decision means for Bloggers. In addition the comments left about the article on the paper's website show a number of people who are in support of Ross and it seems a fair few of them seem to be members. So in effect the Club, in their decision to sack Ross rather than try to handle and discuss the matter in house, have only suceeded in their actions to draw even more attention to the Blog and to heighten Ross' stature as a Blogger. I'm sure his stat count will show a fair number of new hits to the site over these last few days...I know mine's has rocketed since my own sacking. In effect then the Club have only gone and made the matter a hell of a lot bigger and more public that it ever needed to be.

Let's take it a step further. There have been comments relating to the article which have pointed out that Bowling is indeed a subject which is openly ridiculed. That fact cannot be disputed. Two out of the four comments which were highlighted as being offensive referred not to individuals but to a satirical look at the world of bowling and the people who participate in it. Top comedians take the piss out of bowlers all the time. Tv programmes have comedy sketches relating to bowls....take our very own Scottish made Chewin' The Fat as an example. They have featured a series of sketches in the location of "Mosspark Bowling Club" which takes the piss out of not only the pomp and ceremony of bowling clubs but also the punters who play the game and I'll bet my ass that the very same people who have caused such a fuss over Ross' comments sit in front of their tv's with a grin on their face while they're watching thinking to themselves as they look at the characters "Oh he/she is like so and so". It's a basic fact that bowlers get slagged. Here's a wee bit of proof for you...The following is an extract from an online chat on the BBC Scotland website featuring Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill (stars and writers of Chewin' The Fat)...

Question from Ian Bowie: In your new series have you done any sketches involving Mosspark Bowling Club?
Ford: Naw, we've switched it for a new source of material - the golf club. Cos there's just as many a**holes there as in a bowling club.

So are we imediately assume that Ford will now be barred from all Bowling Clubs across the country? I think not. But what he's saying is there's loads of arseholes in Bowling Clubs is he not? Well yes but it's funny cause he's a funny guy. So to is Ross. Granted two of the comments were ill thought but the other two? Read them. They're actually very good descriptive bits of writing and not, to any one with an open mind or sense of humour, offensive.

Fred: I think I might take up bowls
Harry: Naw pal I wouldn't if I were you. It's very dangerous.
Fred: Dangerous? How is it dangerous?
Harry: Buggered if I know but it must be cause someone dies every other week.

It's a running gag isn't it? Thing is I know a lot of bowlers and they are all able to take a bit of banter and laugh at themselves. If only the beaks at the Club had been able to do the same... If indeed they find comments about the age of bowlers and their uniforms and their sport offensive then perhaps it's time to drag Bowling (kicking and screaming if need be) into the 21st century and show us all that the ridicule, comedy and comments are not justified. Sadly while the beaks that control the clubs continue to throw hissy fits and take offensive to every little thing the comedy value will remain. This Club had a great opportunity to show itself as a modern thinking, breath of fresh air but didn't want to know. Damn it , how 21st century would it have been to capitalise on Ross (or myself) being Bloggers and asking one of us to set one up for the Club? A totally interactive area for the members, where club news and events could have been posted. It could have been a great addition to what is frankly a dull and unintresting club website.

Of course let's not forget a few fundamentals. In losing Ross the Club have lost a good barman. A popular barman. One who always had a smile for the "old farts" and a compliment to the ladies. A barman who knew their drinks orders before they had to ask and who knew how they liked it served. They had an asset there whether they want to admit it or not.

And they've lost that. Like they've lost other good staff over petty things which they refused to acknowledge or change. If I cast my mind back, even to 2 years ago, it makes for a strange picture. Back then this Club had a body of staff who worked well together. A team of Bar Staff that any owner of a Public House would have been glad to have behind their bar. A team of Bar Staff who regularly received praise from visitors from other club's and words of thanks from their own customers. Now? Well I can't comment first hand but given the amount of people who make the comment "It's not the same without X, Y & Z behind the bar" I am assuming there's something lacking. It's just another example of a loss of asset to the Club through silly decisions.

The membership are a great bunch. They have a great Club there. They deserve not to see it splashed about the press and dragged to court but to be able to rely on those they elect to run it for them being ready, willing and able to make good judgement calls on their behalf. I fear some feel let down badly by events over the last year, regardless of the outcome of Ross' Tribunal and that's a shame.

What's more of a shame is the fact that some of those who made the decisions were once people who both Ross and I would have classed as friends. They were not just employers but people we'd have sat with and had a chat and a drink. Sadly there can be no happy ending. There can never be the day where Ross and I are back behind the bar. There could though be the chance of conciliation and a chance to put all this behind us. That though would require those who make the decisions to loosen their ties and be big enough to admit that enough is enough.

I can't see it happening somehow. Another opporchancity lost.

Jenny xx

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Read All About It....

Read all about Ross and his sacking as well as comments from the esteemed public of the Lothians and beyond Here.

Jenny xx

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Keeping Up Tradition...

Saturday was a good day in other ways for me as well.

It was Grand National day. That day when everybody and their Granny picks a horse and heads to the bookies to stick their money on.

My Dad loved the horses. One of his legacies is that he taught me a bit about form and how to calculate odds and weight! This is right up there with him teaching me the finer points of the offside rule and how to arm wrestle!

When he was alive Dad tried on 2 different occaisons to go to Aintree for Grand National day. The first time he booked he had an accident a few weeks before the event, he tore his cruciate ligaments and damaged his knee so badly it ended up in him having to retire. Needless to say the trip was cancelled! The second attempt didn't happen either...that was the year it was cancelled due to a bomb scare and although he made it to the hotel near Liverpool he didn't actually get to Aintree!

This year Mum had booked to go with a load of pals. I'm pleased to say it was 3rd time lucky and she made it! So she has been able to tick that box on her To Do list!

So we, like millions of others, headed to the Cream Cookies (as my Dad would call them) and bunged our money on after a quick view of the form and headed home to watch the race.

I'd picked my usual 4 as had Better Half, with the kids picking one each based on nothing more than a number. The race didn't start well with one of mine going at the first fence. I was a bit pissed as it was one of my more faniced nags! Another, my outside shot, fell a few fences later and Better Half didn't fare much better when one of his went as well. 10 year old had picked one of of my she was out and 6 year old's hadn't been mentioned, which gave the impression it was dragging up the rear!

Into the home straight though and it was all different. One of mine had hit the front but was tiring a bit and Better Half's was finishing strongly. They hit the finish line and I had gotten third at 33/1 with Better Half getting second at 14/1. As we'd stuck our bets on each way, we had a wee windfall coming back, in total it was £40. Not bad for a wee flutter.

I have a good wee history in the National. I can only recall one year when I haven't had a horse in the top 4. Saturday kept up my tradition of doing well!

Jenny xx

p.s Bizarre but true. I picked the horse that came second due to the fact that the jockey shares my married name and as such my daughters surname. It's not a common surname and so it catches the eye when you see it. My step daughter told me on Saturday night she won money back as well...she'd gone and backed the same horse due to the surname connection!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Blast From The Past...

There's nothing like a wee blast from the past to shake away your cobwebs.

Saturday night, I'm bored out my skull. I've changed my bed linen in a vain attempt to pass 30 minutes or so, having earlier stripped it in a vain attempt to pass 30 minutes or so and I'm sat on the sofa looking at Dr Who thinking to myself "Where did I leave the sharp knife?" and seriously contemplating stabbing myself just to see if it's more fun.

All of a sudden the phone starts ringing. It's my friend Mary on the phone. Mary is the Mum (actually she's the Granny but that's a whole other story!) of my daughters pal. Daughter is currently round at Mary's, where she's been since Thursday night on a bizarre ever-extending sleep over! Mary sounds a bit breathless and launches into telling me what she's ringing for. We're on the phone for all of 3 minutes before I put it down. I'm in a bit of a state of shock. I explain the conversation to Better Half as I am raking in the fridge for a chilled bottle of wine. Minutes later I'm on my way round to Mary's with my wine in hand. Although to be honest I'm not heading for Mary's but rather for her friend's house which is where Mary is right now. It's only a few doors away.

The walk only takes a few minutes and on the way there my mind is wandering. I'm being transported back in time and memories are flooding my head. Truth be told I'm a bit apprehensive. I can hear Mary and her friend before I see them. I walk along the pavement and my pace slows down a bit. I take a deep breath and I'm there. Mary let's out a shout of "Hiya, have you come round to see me? I'm having a wee drink here with my pal. Do you want to join us?". Mary knew I was coming but this is all part of the pretence. Everyone is out on the doorstep. It's a lovely spring night and the sun is still out.

Mary's pal introduces herself and offers me a drink. I'm looking at who else is here. Apart from Mary and my new hostess there's 2 teenage girls. I look at them both and I find myself staring at one of them. I know instantly it's her. She's beautiful. Her face hasn't changed at all. I say hello as my hostess tells me their names and tells them mine. There's a flciker of recognition is her face as she hears my name. Nothing else is said and we launch into general chit chat as women do. There's no sign of my daughter or her pal until an hour or so later. Mary has spent much of the hour engaging me in conversation and looking a bit nervous. The pretence it seems is getting to her as well. My daughter and her pal make a brief appearance and then head away again. They go to Mary's house with a few more pals in tow to listen to music. A warning from Mary ringing in their ears that she can see right into her living room from where she is so they better behave.

Another hour goes by. The sun is setting and the vodka and wine have been flowing. Between us we've covered a range of subjects but the main one and the reason for my visit is left unspoken...for now. Another 30 minutes goes by and the teenage girl who I had caught myself staring at and who has since been staring at me when she thinks I'm not looking gets up to go to the toilet. "I take it she knows who I am?" I ask Mary. "Aye. I think she's sussed it out. It might be time to say something" she replies. I nod my head. Mary's pal nods as well "Aye. It's as good a time as any. It'll be fine she's as...". Mary interrupts with an over noisy "Ssshhhh" and points to the door.

The girl is making her way back down the stairs and is within earshot. She steps outside. I'm standing up and decide it's now or never. She's looking at me and pauses at the top of the steps as if she knows I'm about to speak. "I take it you know who I am?" I ask her. "Yeah I think so, I wasn't sure. Your hairs much longer" she looks a bit nervous. I laugh "You haven't changed a bit" I tell her "even in 10 years". She smiles. I ask her if she's met my daughter. "Yes" she says. "Does she know who you are?" I ask. I'm a bit nervous of the answer. "No, I haven't said anything to her" she replies. I smile and feel a wee bit relieved. "Well do you want to meet her properly?" I ask. She looks to the ground and I look at her face trying to read it, I am transported back a decade and I see a much smaller version of her in front of me, a little 8 year old who could be so shy and quiet. "Yeah" she replies in a voice barely more than a whisper. "It's up to you" I tell her "there's no rush. If you want to leave it to another time then it's fine." She looks over towards Mary's house "I'm fine with it really. I'm grown up as long as you think she'll be ok with it" she says. For the love of me I am struggling to see past the little 8 year old of a decade ago. "She'll be fine. She's been dying to meet you" I tell her. She nods at me and smiles. "I'll go and get her then".

I walk over to Mary's house and 10 year old is on the stair. I tell her there's someone I want her to meet. On the short walk back I point out the girl now sitting on the step and ask 10 year old is she's met her. She tells me she has. I ask if she knows who she is. She tells me she's a friend of the girl who lives there. I whisper to 10 year old that I know her as well. "How?" enquires 10 year old. We're on the path now and she's sitting in front of us on the step. There's no time to answer the question. 10 year old is a bit in front of me and her face is in line with the girls face. You could almost have heard a pin drop as everything went quiet. People round about seemed to be holding their breath. The two girls staring at each other for a second or so. I put my arm around 10 year old's waist and my face near to her ear, took a deep breath and said quietly "Honey, this is your big sister". The girl smiled at her and said hello. 10 year old smiled back. My apprehension disappeared. It was going to be fine.

And that was my blast from the past. My step-daughter. My 10 year old's big sister.

It's been a decade since I saw her last. I've seen her just once in those 10 years and that was only for a minute as she passed me in a shop about 6 years ago. She's now an 18 year old only a few months away from her 19th birthday. The story of why I haven't seen her is a whole post in itself but suffice to say that from the age of 3 until she was 8 she was a big part of my life. She was my first "bairn". One of the family. Her and 10 year old have the same Dad. Her mother was his first wife and I was his second. We would have her to stay every weekend and as often as we could outwith then such as holidays and the like. 1996 rolled round and 10 year old was born. We saw her only a handful of times after that and by the time 10 year old's first birthday came round her Mum had decided not to let us see her anymore. It was a sad time. I was very attached to her and that decision all those years ago meant that 10 year old has no memories of her sister...only photographs of the two of them together. I've been seperated from their Dad for nearly 8 years now although we are still married having never gotten divorced. 10 year old hasn't had any contact from him in 2 years. 18 year old hasn't had any since she was 8.

I looked at the two of them last Saturday night as they sat chatting and getting to know each other tentatively and I felt a sadness. Here were 2 beautiful girls. Both different (18 year old has blonde hair and blue eyes where 10 year old has dark brown hair and eyes...she looks a lot like their Dad) yet both similar as well and they had a Dad out there who didn't know what he was missing. A Dad who has at one time or another denied both of them and claimed they did not exist. Here were his two gorgeous daughters together for the first time in a decade and it was me there to see it and not him.

It's early days but there are plans in place for 18 year old (and her boyfriend who we met as well and who seems really nice) to take 10 year old out for the day in a few weeks to get to know her better. 10 year old is happy with that...especially when she heard they'd take her in the convertible!

I knew one day their paths would cross. I expected it to be at a funeral. A funeral for the man who doesn't want to know. I thought it would be a long way off in the future. It's happened now though. We'll take it a step at a time and see what happens...It's made me feel old....having a step daughter of 19 when your only 33 can do that!...but it's also made me happy to see her again.

Jenny xx

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Blonde Ambition...

Yesterday I decided to dye my hair blonde.

I've been colouring my hair since I was about 11 years old. Over the years I have been everything form platinum blonde to black and everything in between, including a spell with purple hair which occured by accident!

I have, as I got older, generally settled in the region of red. Naturally I'm a sort of strawberry blonde/auburny blonde colour but I like to emphisise the red in my hair. By emphisise I mean I dye it much redder than it is naturally. Watermelon Red, Copper Sunset, Autumn Red...all favourite shades! Last month I had a notion for a dark red so I promptly went out and dyed my hair. Thrity short minutes later and it was bye bye Watermelon Red and hello Chocolate Cherry, which was a brown/red/maroon colour. I liked it...but red hair is a pisser to keep looking healthy and the colour faded way too quick. It doesn't help that my hair grows faster then the speed of light and 3 weeks later I had one inch roots in my natural shade coming through.

My decision to go blonde was partly due to the fact it's nearer my own colour and partly due to the fact that I'm looking very pale just now and darker hair makes me look even more washed out. I slapped on a peroxide hair stripper and waited. One hour later I rinsed it off. Now I've done this before so I know how it works. I hadn't mentioned to my family though what happens when you try to strip red dye from your hair! They were in stitches as I emerged from the bedroom with my bright orange hair! You see red is bugger to get rid off and takes a couple of applications of peroxide before your done. Better Half didn't know what to do when I asked him what he thought of the colour. It took a few seconds before he realised it wasn't a finished product.

However, the laugh was on me in the end. I got through the stripping process and I'd bought a Honey Blonde shade to put over it. That worked a treat. Not. Instead of coming out a lovely honey colour like it said it would on the packet my hair went to a delightful bright ginger! For those of you in Scotland who know what I'm talking about, I'd call the end result See You Jimmy Ginger!! Definitely not the Honey Blonde I'd been after!

Now I'm not vain and I'm in no way precious about my hair, after all if you feck it up you can just cut the buggering stuff off or dye it again. I've never been one of those women for whom their hair is their crowning glory. My philosophy on hair is that it's there to be played about with. However, unvain as I am, I decided against going out myself to buy a new colour to put over my See You Jimmy Ginger, mainly because I didn't want to scare small children and because my hair was like straw...dying it 3 times in day can do that!...and my hair was at this point so straw like that I resembled Worzel Gummidge's sister. So I sent Better Half out to buy a new colour armed with instructions that it should be darker than my current colour and not a cheap brand other than that he was on his own and had free reign as to what colour it ended up. He returned in lightning time with a colour that I was reasonably happy with. He's good like that. I sent him for tampons once and he bought the right brand and absorbency without being told! He's a credit to his mother!

Thirty minutes, a good conditioner, a bit help from John Frieda in the form of some frizz ease, a blast of the hairdryer and a 20 minute session with my GHD's (the best hair straighteners in the universe) and all was well again!

So I'm not Honey Blonde but who cares? Blonde is so last season! I am now Coffee Delight. A nice warm brunette! My hair is silky smooth and so shiny people better wear shades to come near me! According to my magazine this week brunette is where it's at right now anyway. I haven't been brunette in about 6 years. Of course it means I can now change all my make up to suit my new hair! There's my cue to spend some money! Every cloud and all that!

Jenny xx

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Not So Healthy Service

Last week I had the pleasure of spending a night in one of our fine hospitals. To those of you now wondering, it was nothing serious. A re-occurence of an illness I had last year. To those of you who wish it had been serious...better luck next time!

Anyway suffice to say I had a bit of pain for a few days (I knew almost straight away what was causing it but to be honest I wanted to try and pretend it wasn't there!) and eventually decided to seek help. One quick trip to the docs later and I was heading to hospital with the words "emergency surgery" ringing in my ears.

Now I'm a fan of the Health Service, I mean there's not many countries left where you can get sick or injured and be treated without having to check your bank balance first to see if you can afford it. I'm also a fan of our underpaid and overworked nurses who are the backbone of the NHS. However, I'm not much of a fan of whoever dictates the policies they need to follow.

See I go to the Acute Receiving Unit and as I'm an emergency I'm seen straight away. So far, so good. I'm then put in a room which to be fair was minging in all ways from the mint green painted and badly flaking walls to the hairs on the floor which belonged to god knows who right through to the chipped tiles and horrible strip light. Anyway I digress, fact is the whole area was not really akin to making one feel better! A nice bit of paintwork, some pretty curtains and maybe a few fresh flowers about the place might do more good!

Surroundings aside, I'm instructed to strip off and put on one of those hospital gowns that tie up the back. Nice. Then it's the usual barrage of tests - pulse, blood pressure, blood sugar, temperature, heart rate before we get to the good bit when the Doc appears and decides he wants to run some blod tests. Sigh. There's a couple of reasons why this does my head in, a) I don't bleed well. I'm very tight about giving away my blood and it just refuses to come out without a fight. I mean stab me all you want but it'll be a while before I bleed...although to be fair once I start... and b) They can never, ever find a bloody vein. Which would make me a crap heroin addict I suppose. Anyway the cocky Doc goes in for the kill and lo and behold 5 attempts later (and 5 puncture holes later for me) he goes off and asks a nurse for help. She gets it first time. So Doc does his stuff drawing his blood from me and filling up his various tubes. I meanwhile come over all dizzy and sick and promptly pass out as he does so. Turns out (once Doctor Dimwit read my notes) that my blood pressure was down round my feet somewhere and that drawing blood at that time might not have been the best thing to do!

Now because I've passed out (albeit I came round in seconds) and because I'm a bit dehydrated they decide to stick a drip in. Anyone who knows me will tell you I detest getting this done. I have been known to leave hospitals because they've wanted to bung one of those damn needles in bits of me. However on this occaison because he's in the hole (so to speak) I let him get on with it.

Minutes later (and still none the wiser as to what they are planning on doing with me) I am stuck in a chair and wheeled out into the corridor and promptly dumped there. Still I'm not alone...there's about 30-odd other people sitting there too which was nice given I am wearing nothing but a bloody hospital gown and a pair of socks (that's a Thyroid thing...keep your socks on cause your feet get freezing!). Me and my drip are sat there alongside another 2 in similar states of undress.

Fifty-Five minutes later and I'm being moved to a ward. "Am I being kept in then?" I ask. "I don't know" is the reply. Helpful. Another load of tests later (all the same ones as before) and I'm all tucked up in bed. Still none the wiser as to why of course!

Anyway I'm in a room which has 3 other beds in it, all occupied. Next to me is an old woman, she looks like death warmed up and within 30 minutes of me being there she's moved away to another ward. Opposite me is another older woman. She's about mid 60's and is chatty and full of life. Turns out she has liver cancer and has had an op to remove a small non-cancerous growth in her abdomen which may have caused problems for her later. In the bed beside her is a woman in her 40's. She kind of freaks me out a bit. Now she seems nice enough and I'm sure in normal circumstances she's a lovely woman. However, she is in a fair bit of pain and is waiting for surgery and it seems to have affected her somewhat. She informs us loudly that she has an abcess just inside her anus. I'm thinking "ouch" when she says it, as given the look on her face it's gotta be hurting. Trouble is though she finds it most comfortable to lie with her legs wide open. Fair enough and all that but she's wearing the same hospital gown as I am and her preferred way of getting comfort is to be on her hands and knees on the bed with her knees as far apart as she can get them. Like I said she's probably far more dignified in other circumstances but really I could have done without her nether regions being on display at the same time as those who were not nil by mouth were eating their smoked fish in cheese sauce.

Eventually, the Registrar shows face. By now I have been given an injection to stop me getting a dvt in surgery and I have again asked the question "So what's happening then?" to the nurse but was met with a reply of "Oh haven't they told you? They're not very good at keeping patients informed are they?" which didn't really help.

The Registrar, accompanied by 6 flunkies, checks me out and informs me he will be taking me to surgery later that night. Well now I know! He goes on to tell me it will be an "exploratory operation" to see if they can find the root of the problem and fix it. He procedes to tell one of the fulnkies to mark a spot on my back with felt pen so he can find it later! I ask what he means by an "exploratory operation". He tells me he's going to cut me open and have a look and if he finds what he's looking for then it's all good and he'll fix it, if not he'll try again in a day or so before comfirming to me that the surgery (when he does find what he's looking for!) will be "fairly extensive but relatively simple" and will mean a removal of a wider area of tissue. "But you're not sure what your looking for or where it is?" I ask, more than a little bemused by his tone. "No, but we'll keep digging until we get it" is the response. I think not. "Nope, not having it, sorry. If your going to be cutting me open then I'd prefer you do it just once and get it done right first time" I tell him. He looks a bit puzzled. "Ok, we'll leave it for now and re-assess you tomorrow and in the meantime we'll give you some antibiotics and pain relief". Whatever. And with that he's off, still holding his felt pen in his hand.

Later that night as I'm no longer being wheeled to surgery they move me to another ward, me and my drip that is. See I'm still having bags of fluid pumped into me every 2 hours, which worries me ever so slightly because I am now swelling up something rotten and seem to be retaining fluid all over the place...and quite frankly I am peeing for fun...which is another hassle as I am now at the total opposite end of the ward from the loo (one toilet and 12 beds, that is just wrong!) and I need to call a nurse every time I want to go because I am hooked up to this drip which is plugged into the wall and won't come with me to the toilet. Still I'm in a room on my own now and I've got a tv so I mustn't grumble! On the upside they had officially told me at 7pm that I could now eat and drink again, which was nice as I hadn't eaten anything since 9pm the night before and I was now starving. On the downside they didn't have any food to give me as I'd missed dinner...cue a text message to Better Half demanding he come for his visit bearing a sandwich!

The following morning I am awoken at a hideous hour (5.30am), after a night of interrupted sleep getting up and down to the toilet, fighting with my drip which didn't extend to let me sleep on the side I normally do and being woken every time one of the nurses came to give me a new bag of whatever it was..oh and being woken to ask if I wanted pain killers...em I'm asleep so why not just leave me? Following that I was given a cup of tea for breakfast because I hadn't been in the day before to order my breakfast (?) and so they had nothing to give me. Superb. I spend the next few hours playing deal or no deal on my phone and shouting abuse at Noel Edmonds everytime I blew the big money. By now (9am) I am seriously swollen from all the fluids they've been giving me and a nurse finally decides enough is enough after I show her my massive, puffy, swollen hand and ask her if she thinks I am still dehydrated! So it's goodbye drip and hello toilet without the need for assistance! They leave the needle in place though just to piss me off.

At 10.30 the consultant strolls in, with his various flunkies. He looks the business, all suited and booted and he looks well over 18 which is always a bonus, unlike the pre-pubescent looking Registrar I had encountered the night before. Anyway he asks how I'm feeling. Sore. Says he thinks surgery is an option but would like to see how IV antibiotics work for 3 days. Oh shit. He says he can't see any reason to rush into "extensive" surgery and tissue removal before giving other options a chance to work. I like him. He explains the recovery time would be about 8 weeks and after surgery I could be looking at 3 days in hospital and explains why he feels this doesn't warrant "just digging in without knowing where or what we might find". I'm liking him more although a bit pissed at his 3 days of antibiotics by drip decision. Anyway he tells the nurse to continue with the IV antibiotics, she pipes up to tell him I'm actually getting oral antibiotics just now and not IV ones. "Do you have kids?" he asks me. Yes. "It's Easter Sunday this weekend" he says. Yes. "Now regardless of your religious beliefs that is at least a day for families to be together and eat chocolate". Yes. "Why the hell should we confine you to bed for observation then, Who are we to keep you here when you could be eating chocolate eggs with your kids? You seem like a clever woman". Thanks. "I imagine you know that if the pain gets worse you should return immediatley and I will perform your surgery same day don't you?" If you say so. "So I say we let you escape from this dreary room with the ward telephone number tucked in your pocket, a plentiful supply of painkillers and oral antibiotics and with a promise from you that you return as soon as the pain gets any worse". Great idea. And he walks out the room with a big smile to me and a nod of the head. I am liking this man heaps and plenty!

2 hours later and the needle is gone, I'm dressed, tablets and phone number in hand and I'm heading for the hills...and the fridge cause I'm starving!

Since my release last Friday I've had the sorest pain ever. However, I made a decision to try and bear with it to see if the antibiotics would do the trick and Hey Presto they seem to be doing their stuff. A week later I am almost pain free and able to drive, sit and stand with very little discomfort. I'm putting part of my recovery down to being surrounded by nice paintwork, pretty curtains and fresh flowers of course. Cheery yellow Daffodils. That's the secret. I may just send some to the hospital to put in that dreary, minging little room.

Jenny xx