Monday, January 22, 2007

Something To Offend Everyone...

Well why not eh?...

What is a Yankee?
Same as a quickie but a man can do it himself.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air so like sex?
Because it's no big deal until you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart Blonde?
A Golden Retriever.

What do Accountants use as birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
10 years and 4 stone in weight.

What's the difference between a woman's Lover and her Husband?
About 3 inches, 45 minutes and 4 stone in weight.

What's the best way to a mans heart?
Straight through the chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men marry Virgins?
Cause they can't stand criticism.

Why is is so hard for a woman to find a good looking, kind, sensitive and caring man?
Because good looking, kind, sensitive, caring men already have a boyfriend.

What's the difference between a new Husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog will still put his head near your vagina.

What's the difference between a Porcupine and a BMW?
The Pocupine has it's pricks on the outside.

What did the Blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?

Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
To a different bar.

What would you call it if an Italian had one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet, little 80 year old woman to say "Fuck"?
Get another sweet, little 80 year old to shout "House".

What's the difference between a northern hemisphere zoo and a southern hemisphere zoo?
A southern hemisphere zoo will have a description of the animal as well as a "recipe".

How do you castrate a Hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

When does a Postie get his bonus payment?
Whenever it's one of his customer's birthdays.

Why did the producers decide not to make CSI West Virginia?
Because it would be impossible to identify suspects as they all share the same DNA.

What do you call a Glaswegian girl in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

What's the difference between a blow job and a wank?
A wedding ring.

How does a blind Aberdonian man tell if he's with the right female?
He feels her wool.

Whats the difference between a mistress and a wife?
A mistress gets on her knees, a wife will have the man on his.

Why do Gentlemen prefer blondes?
Because they're on the same level as them intellectually.

What do you call a man with 2 wives?
A sadist.

Why does the world assume all Americans are thick?
President George W Bush.

Why are men like parking spaces?
Because they're either too small or the best one's are taken.

How does a Californian woman make sure her Husband provides for her?
She divorces him.

And just to prove I'm happy to offend my own folks....

What do a Virgin and a Scotsman have in common?
They're both tight.

Jenny xx

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Hours Of Fun With Yellow Post It's...

How much fun can you have with 4 kids and a pack of yellow Post It's? The answer I've discovered is loads.

Write a name, thing, object on the Post It and stick it to the forehead of a child and get them to guess who or what they are with 20 questions.

So far my Niece has been a Do-nut, a Monorail and La La from the Teletubbies. My Nephew has been a Submarine, Jelly and Dash from the Incredibles, 6 year old has been a Hotdog, Shaggy from Scooby Doo and a Bike and 10 year old has been a Car, Glinda The Good Fairy and a Cheesecake.

Best of all...they've all been amused and quiet for the last hour, they've laughed and learned something during the course of their questions and it ain't cost me a penny! Where else can you get away with calling your Niece a Do-Nut or hearing your Nephew ask if he'd eat himself if he could?

Jenny xx


So with all the Hooha in the Celebrity BB house this week about racism, it got me to thinking.

So Jade Goody (official national hate figure for the second time) called Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty "Shilpa Poppadom". She refered to her as "Indian" as did her Mum Jackiey (yes that's how she spells it!) who referred to her continually as "The Indian". This has caused an international diplomatic row and apparently Jade has given the whole country a bad name because of her comments. Get a fecking grip people.

Just supposing I had been in the house and someone referred to me as Jenny Haggis or Jenny Deep-Fried-Mars-Bar. Would there have been such an outcry? What if someone had referred to me as "The Scots girl" or horror of horrors "The Jock"? Should I have expected the Chancellor to wade in with a comment? Em Nah.

What Jade said was at most silly and a speak before you think moment. It hardly warrants a fecking global outrage. Let's be honest...wasn't it Jade's silliness and speak before you think character traits that saw her win over the British public and become a millionairess? Now the very thing that endeared her to us has seen her turned into a national hate figure.

Personally Danielle Lloyd's comment that Shilpa should "fuck off home" and her comments that "She (Shilpa) wants to be white, she's a dog" is far more derogatory and it'll be intresting to see what happens when she emerges from the security of the BB house. If anyone should be being vilified then it's her.

As for Jade, give it a rest and give her a break. It's political correctness gone mad.

Racism is not acceptable. Regardless of colour we are all the same and it should be stamped out but seriously how many of us can honestly hold our hands up and say we don't go for a "Chinky" or that we don't sit in front of the TV when England play footie and call them "English Bastards" or the like? Not many I'll bet, but my friends that is Racist. We're all as guilty of opening our mouths as with silly comments as Jade has been of hers.

Jenny xx

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Stuff's Been Happening...

Contrary to popular belief given I've been ultra quiet on the Blog front for a while I am not dead and I have not vanished. I'm still here and there's stuff happening I'd like to share...if I could.

I know, I wanna hear the goings on of late in the land of Jenny but I just can't share it with you. Certain things are just not for publication on here at this moment in time. It's a pain in the ass but that's the way it is for now.

Jenny xx

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


Right then 2007 is upon us. A new year and traditionally a time to start afresh. A time to make resolutions. A time to list all the changes you plan on making.

Aye well screw that. What's the point in setting goals you'll neither stick to nor be able to achieve? Yes I could vow not to swear as much, to lose weight, join a gym, eat healthier, stop drinking or stop buying so many shoes...but what's the chances?

This year I've decided to make one resolution and only one. I'm going to say what's on my mind. From now on "say it like I see it" will be my motto. Now you may think this is an odd resolution for a red-head with a temper to make...after all it's not like I'm some quiet wallflower who never says boo to anyone but this resolution is the result of a fair bit of deliberation.

You see I am on the whole quite a nice person. I'll go out my way to help people and if I've got it and you need it then you can have it. I respect my elders. I have manners. My friends and family know that at any time I am but a phone call away if they need me. I respect other people's ways and rights and I am generally the one who will apologise first if there is an argument. That all makes me sound like a good sort but I am far from perfect...I can be a prize bitch, I have a temper and I have no time for ignorant people with no manners and I operate a "gut instinct" policy on people whereby if my gut instinct tells me your not my sort of person then you get one chance to prove me wrong.

So why you may ask, do I feel the need to say it like I see it now? Do I not already do that given I admit to being a prize bitch at times? Well actually no I don't. You see my prize bitch mode, like my temper mode, only really kicks in when I have been pushed to the point of losing the plot. It's always been the case that I need to be near breaking point for my anger to kick in enough to say what I really think. My deliberations over saying it like I see it led me to realise that all too often I will walk away wishing I had said what was on my mind instead of keeping it in. Now don't get me wrong it's not that I now intend to go around insulting everyone and anyone whenever I feel like it...far from it...instead I will go with the policy that if you ask for it then you'll get it. There have been way to many occasions when some fuckwit has really been asking for it and I like a muppet have not given it but have sat and tried to be diplomatic for fear of causing upset or bad feeling or in a bid not to rock the boat.

No more. No more shutting up to keep someone else happy. No more biting my tongue to avoid a situation. No more brushing of an insult or sly dig so's not to cause disharmony. If some idiot wants a piece of it then they can now have it...both barrels.

I already have a notion in my head of who will be the first to "benefit" from my new outlook. My ex-Mother In Law is topping the list after her wee outburst on Hogmanay when she was calling me all the names under the sun and accusing me of being a slut for leaving her "beautiful son". Sadly I wasn't there at the time...she decided instead to say it to my Mother at a party! I have spent 7 years putting up with that poisonous dwarves ramblings...make no mistake that next time I see her I will have something to say about her and her "beautiful son". As she's been asking for 7 years I feel it's only fair she gets it.

Next in line will I think be some of my so called friends and ex-friends. It will only be a matter of time before one of them shoots their mouths of again fully expecting me to say nothing for the sake of harmony. One in particular has been treading on thin ice for long enough now and there's no doubt that it won't be long before her mouth runs away with her again....especially if there's a drink nearby. See that's the thing with her...she's always blotto when she gets the notion to open her mouth and for many a year her nasty comments, bitchy remarks and downright rudeness have been brushed aside as being due to her being drunk. "och it's just ******** she gets like that when she's drunk" is a well used phrase where she's concerned and one I'm guilty of saying myself. Well no more. That goes for a few others as well...

I might ruffle a few feathers here and there....I may end up losing a few "friends" along the way but I will be happy in myself knowing that I said what I needed the most sarcastic way I could.

Jenny xx

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year...

As it says on the tin!

May the best of 2006 be the worst of 2007 to all of you!

Jenny xx