What The ...?

With Christmas only 94 days away it'll soon be time to start thinking about what gifts to get your loved ones. Well here's the ideal gift for the special female in your life...the SheWee.

From the website...



Shewee Ladies Wee Funnel


Shewee, when positioned securely under the crotch, and with underwear pushed to the side, the Shewee ladies wee funnel directs urine away from the body to a suitable place, such as a toilet, a container or a conveniently located tree!

No more crossed legs or uncomfortable squatting.

Maintain your privacy and banish bare bottoms!

Stand up at public toilets to avoid unhygienic seats and smelly portable loos.

Hike/climb/ski/jog off the beaten track, miles from the nearest toilet.

Travel the world with the comfort of home in your pocket.

All women will benefit from using Shewee ladies wee funnel at some time. Comes complete with a hygenic carrying pouch.

Oh.My.God.

Jenny xx

Em...I'm Not German...

How comes when I publish a post it tells me it has been published sucessfully in German?

Jenny xx

Sick, Sick, Sick...

Right then I reckon I have the plague or at least some other horrible lurgy.

For the last fortnight I have been feeling rotten. Just a wee bug I thought when it kicked off exactly two weeks ago today but now? Well now I reckon I have some hideous superbug which is systematically detroying me!

It all began innocently enough. Achy bones and the mother of all headaches which lasted for 48 hours before easing of to the daughter of all headaches. By the Friday of that week the headache and achyness were accompanied by a temperature which was up and down more than a whores knickers. By the following Monday I felt knackered and had developed a sore throat. On the Tuesday I awoke to that nice runny nose that comes with a cold. By Wednesday I was into nostrils permanently blocked territory and needing to breath through my mouth due a lack of oxygen making it up my nasal passages! This wee phase lasted through to Friday when the runny nose had returned and was trying to choke me by sitting in my throat and attempting to drown me!

Saturday arrived and brought with it more snot and gunk and a headache...probably caused by me constantly blowing my nose in a bid to breath! By Sunday the gunk was there but was now accompanied by a dry throat which led to a nippy, irritating cough which wanted to appear every time I breathed to deeply or spoke and a tightness in my chest which was borderline painful whenever said cough reared it's head. That's how it remained until yesterday when the cough decided to get deeper and gunkier. And all the way through I have been plauged with sneezing and the inability to go more than 5 minutes without blowing my nose! Add to that a rash on my tummy, a throat that feels as thick as Pavarottis waistline and a mysterious red cricle under my arm and I'm kinda convinced I have some random plague type thingy!

I've self-medicated with every sort of over the counter remedy. Asprins, Paracetamol, Headaches tablets, Lemsips, throat lozenges and fresh orange but for some insane reason I seem to be getting sicker instead of better! I've tried to stay active throughout, getting on with stuff and getting fresh air but yesterday I admitted defeat and went to bed at 4pm.

I've also rung in sick to work as there was no way I was gonna make it through a 12 hour shift today (just as well really as I woke up this morning at 5am with a killer sore tummy and pain in my ears!). Anyhow the image of me standing behind my wee glass partition trying to offer advice, sympathy and air of authority to the public as they come in while excusing myself to sneeze, losing my voice and never being more than a minute away from a tissue is less than professional!

I'm gonna cave in again today and stay in bed. Hopefully the warmth and rest will shift this thing once and for all.

Anyhow if it's not shifted in a day or two I'm going to the Doc's as it might just be that an anti-biotic is required. I dunno what it is but I do know it doesn't respond to the usual remedy of retail therapy...I've bought a new american fridge/freezer, a set of new french doors, a new coffee maker, some new outdoor lights and a new car in the last week and none of them have helped!

Jenny xx

A Wee Message To....

The SFA, Walter Smith, The biased media, All the soap doding Hun fans and to that fellow Divemaster Dad who lives in South Africa....;)

GET IT RIGHT UP YOU!!!!!!!!!!

The Famous Heart Of Midlothian 4 - Glasgow Rankgers - 2

Mwahahahahahahaha!!!! Fan-fecking-tastical!!!! 'Mon The Mighty JT's!!!!

That is all.


Jenny xx

It's All In The Stars...

I got an email from a mate recently which said (and I quote) "I saw this and thought of you" below it was the title Friend and a picture of 2 little girls and underneath, the following quote "I wouldn't want to piss you off. You are sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising at times, defiant and bossy...but if I had to choose a mate to stand shoulder to shoulder with me in times of pain or advsersity I'd choose you"

It was based on me. As in the me she knows and the person I am. Some may have taken it as an insult. I took it as a compliment. I am all these things and more.

I am sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising, defiant and bossy. I'm also impatient, fiery, rash, extreme, and arrogant, impulsive, intolerant and can be insensitive and forceful.

On the other side I can be assertive, pioneering, enthusiastic, adventurous, humorous, fast-paced, energetic and passionate, sociable, talkative, brave, independent,competitive, eager, straightforward, headstrong, a leader, focused on the present and freedom-loving.

Personally I view none of these as bad characteristics! Anyhow these are the traits my star sign says I have so it's not my fault! I'm an Aries, it's a fire sign, it's numero uno and I have red hair so really I was never going to be some quiet wee wallflower with no attitude!

I make no apologies for being any of the above. All of them can be positives to a person.

I am defiant because I won't just accept things. I'm sarcastic but that can be a gift if used properly! I'm definitely impulsive (see Minneapolis!) and I do tend to live in the day and don't plan for the future too much. I am head strong...ask my Primary one teacher who had a battle on her hands with me because she couldn't keep up with me education wise and lost her class to the smart ass 5 year old who finished all her work first and then proceeded to tell the class to come and listen to a story or play outside! That poor woman had a nervous breakdown mid-way through the term and this smart ass 5 year old got the blame!

I'm also well aware of the fact that I can be intolerant and uncompromising. I have no time for people who are rude, abusive, stupid to the point of danger or ill informed but believe otherwise. I won't waste time arguing with a fool. I will, and I am about to be arrogant, use sarcasm or my brain to prove them idiots and leave it at that. Ask anyone who's ever heard me utter the immortal words "I'm right. I know I'm right and I'll prove it" which I happen so say a hell of a lot...oh and if on the off chance I'm wrong (which by the way is not very often cause I'm usually always right!) I won't apologise for it unless I've deeply offended you or upset you....and even then don't hold you're breath cause I'll have to have time to sulk! Cause I'm petulant as well...a trait not mentioned in my star sign!

I'm not brave though...reckless and over enthusastic to the point of doing daft stuff yes but brave? No. If you've ever seen me when a spider appears then you'd know brave is not a trait I display! That said if you wanna have a go then come ahead...I'll not back away cause I'm a strong-willed, headstrong, aggressive leader!! Lol!

As for being competitive? Well let's just say I want to pee quicker than the woman in the cubicle next to me! I am very, very competitive but not materially or anything like that. I just like to win or to support the winner. I'm a bad loser. That I will admit. The fact I share a house and bed with the world's most competitive man only helps to fuel me on! I gotta beat him at everything! It makes life intresting!

I reckon my mate knows me well. She knows that me being sarcastic, strong willed, loud, aggressive, uncompromising at times, defiant and bossy means I will be right by her side backing her up till her nose bleeds if she needs me.She knows I will make her laugh when I think she needs to and will give it to her straight when she needs to hear it and that I'll happily wade in with a punch on her behalf if ever I need to! It's the way I am with everyone I love. It's also the way I am with the underdog. I'm a sucker for an underdog!

Yes, some would say these traits are bad things. Me? I like them. I'm no angel but who is?;)

But Hey let's remember I have a soft side too...I can be quiet, thoughtful, introverted and spiritual. I cry at X Factor for god's sake. I'm still scarred from Bambi's mother dying and I can't listen to Puff The Magic Dragon or Two Little Boys without welling up...in fact I get emotional when one of bairns loses a baby tooth! Ane these admissions have just taken away any street cred I ever had!

Och well.

Jenny xx

Caved In Again....

Right so I came home from Florida and vowed I would not cross the Atlantic again until next years summer holiday (I've a feeling it'll be Florida again!). See since April 2004 I have been over the pond 9 times, having been 4 times to Florida, twice to New York and 3 times to Minneapolis. It might be ok if I was a business man going for work or if I was loaded and could jet off at will but I'm neither and given I'm not a fan of long haul flying and I can't really afford any more random trips to the States on a whim I decided to give it a miss till next year. A sort of self-imposed ban if you like!

Then my thoughts turned to Christmas and shopping and then in turn to proper cold weather and outlet malls and from there to cold, crisp days and freezing nights and to hot chocolate and cheap clothes and Macy's and Old Navy and Abercrombie and Fitch and Jimmy Choo and Juicy Couture and Christmas lights and parades and Chicken Fajitas in a downtown restaurant and a wee break from the kids and letting loose with my Mum and Sis and...and...well...I just...booked a wee flight across the Atlantic for December!! Oops!

To be honest it was looking at the pictures of previous trips that did it. Mum, Gill and I always have a laugh when we're there and it's the one time in the year we get to spend quality time just the three of us. Being ourselves instead of Mum, Auntie or Gran. Doing what we like, ripping the piss out each other (and Mum's driving skills), laughing at each others bra sizes (Mum buys them made to measure for a fortune, Gill buys them off the peg from the bigger sizes and I buy them from off the peg from the teenagers range! I'm not as well endowed as my Mother or sibling!)It's just chill out time when we can shop all day and kick back with a few vodka and cranberries over a meal at night. Oh and my Sis and I can con Mum into buying us things for Christmas that she wouldn't normally by appealing that we are her bairns!

So Minneapolis here we come for the fourth year on the trot. Now time to save the pennies to spend....which will mean no new shoes from now until then (well possibly a new pair of trainers!) but given my vast collection I have enough to go from September until December without wearing the same one's twice so I shoud be able to cope!

Course this all says a lot about me (apart from a love of shoes which borders on obsession). It says I am unable to stick to any sort of self imposed ban.

Jenny xx

While I'm Here...

I back Miko.

What a fecking uproar over a dive. Yes it was against Scotland and yes it could have proved a blow to our hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 but...it didnae! All forwards do it. Yes it's cheating but hey look at Christiano Ronaldo or closer to home maybe Davie Weir or Gary O'Connor...both of whom cheated on Saturday.

Lithuania lost the game. We won 3-1. Miko dived. Big deal. If he does the same on the 17th October or 17th November against either Ukraine or France for Lithuania and they beat them he will be a national hero in Scotland.

Miko played better for his country than he has for ages in a Hearts shirt and had the better of Hutton from when he came on. More of the same on Saturday Miko son when Hutton comes calling with his Rankgers team mates!

I back Miko!

Jenny xx

No Smoke Without Fire?

Back in may when little Madeline went missing my heart went out to her parents. Like any other right minded person. However, it nagged at me that they had left her alone in the first place but still I thought "well hard lesson learned there". That though was 3 months ago. In that time my opinion has changed somewhat. I'm still perlexed by the fact they left 3 small children alone and for several weeks now I have thought there was a damn sight more to this than meets the eye. Now we find the McCann family firmly in the spotlight as possible suspects. Could it be a case of no smoke without fire? My attitude changed within weeks of her disappearance. Let me explain why...

1)It's never acceptable to leave small children alone. Bad judgement? Yes. Bad parenting? Yes. Does it make them responsible? Yes. If they were working class parents from an inner city they'd have been slaughtered for it. Yet they have never, bar once, mentioned leaving her alone. They have never said it was silly or stupid or it was there own fault...surely any parent would?

2)If you were going to "steal" a child why would you go for the one who can talk and cause problems for you? The one in the middle of the bed? Why not take one of the younger ones? Think about it...you know this will be all over the news as soon as you've taken her. Why risk, if this is a straight abduction and she is alive, taking the one child most likely to say "where's my mummy?" in a public place.

3) It has become apparent the Maddie must be dead. The sheer volume of press would surely make it impossible for her to be alive. How did she get out Portugal? Let's face is she's highly unlikely to stil be there is she is alive. A small, blonde, english speaking child will stick out like a sore thumb over there now. So why are Kate and Gerry not willing to concede this? As before you could never risk taking Maddie out in public. She can speak for god's sake. It's too big a risk to take.

4) 3 year olds are not as daft as we think. We've seen it in the press often enough about wee scones who dial 999 to save Mummy or who have the ability to know their address. From the age of 2 a child has the mental ability to differ right from wrong. In this day and age it's few children who have not been told by their parents even at that young age about the dangers of strangers. In addition at that age children link to Mummy and Daddy in a big way. They do not have the ability to be concise in words but they certainly do possess the ability to cry, scream and stamp their feet when they are upset or want their Mothers. They do this even with people they knwo well when they want their parents. Maddie would surely have done this is she was alive. She would have, at some point, kicked off in a temper. Yet no-one anywhere in the world has seen it.

5) The timescale doesn't fit. The McCann's timing of their arrival is out of synch with another who attended the meal.

6)No-one knows when Maddie was last seen alive.

7) Kate and Gerry may well have the middle class stiff upper lip going on. Fair enough some people can control their emotions. I am one of them. I didn't shed a tear in public when my Father died. Alone though in private I was a wreck but I know this...controlled or not...if someone had one of my children I'd be freaking out. I'd be angry, I'd be emotional, I'd be scared, I'd be fearing the worst, I'd be out there looking, I'd be making threats of violence. In short my parental instinct would kick in. I've seen no evidence of any of this from either Gerry or Kate. Surely there is only so far a stiff upper lip can go? So we hear they cry at night...but where is the anger? Where is the emotion? Emotion is not just about crying. Even their pleas seem to lack emotion.

8) Sadly I know people who have lost a child. These people could barely function for weeks. Yes, tragically, they had clarity in that their child was dead but it doesn't detract from the fact that their was a gap in their lives which they could not accept. They dragged themselves through making plans, through visits from relatives and the grief of others and ultimately the funeral. Do not tell me it has not crossed Kate and Gerry's minds that there daughter is dead? Yet they seem to be carrying on with life. Facing the world with freshly washed hair and make up. Jogging round Portugal and jetting round the world (leaving their twins behind) to meet the pope, release records, distribute posters. I suspect the majority of us in the same position would be at best dishevelled, not quite as controlled and less inclined to leave our other children for a second. Their behaviour just seems to go against parental instinct. That thing inside you when you are a parent that just comes forward from the minute that child is put in your arms. That involuntary notion to protect, to love and cherish this little being. And most of all that emotion, panic and anger that comes from not having them there to protect, love and cherish. Or the guilt at not having done the job properly. Where is the guilt? I carry a guilt in me everyday that I did not manage to be there to save my Father. I'm not even his parent. I still wonder if I could have done soemthing even though I know I couldn't have. Where is the guilt? Where is the emotion that goes with it? Where is the "we're so sorry Maddie?"

9) The DNA? Well it an be explained away in a number of ways but let's think back...No confirmed sightings of the child. No witnesses saw or heard anything unusual. No-one able to confirm when Maddie was last seen. No-one went into the room to check them. The unlocked room. I know if I was checking my child I'd look in. Likewise if I was checking somene elses child. Otherwise why leave the door unlocked? Blood found in the room. Tiny specks. From where? How did they get there? Did Maddie fall? Had she cut herself earlier in the holiday?

10) Friends at the meal used the creche facility that night. Provided by the complex. There was also a babysitting service. Now even if you had to pay for it this is a couple who earn 6 figures a year or more. There is no excuse for not using it. Why didn't they? A witness has confirmed this was not the first night the children were left alone. Another has confirmed she heard Maddie crying and shouting out for her Daddy a few nights earlier while the McCanns were out. Yet on the night she apparently vanishes into thin air no-one hears anything? Are we supposed to believe that someone lifted a 3 year old child from a sleep, walked out a complex and took her with no-one seeing or hearing anything? That Maddie didn't wake and cry out or shout or struggle? Cause if she did then surely someone would have heard or saw something? And all this in the space of 10 minutes? Because apparently the McCanns and their friends checked every 10 minutes. Of course when Gerry went he was apparently gone 10 minutes and admitted to spending 6 of them chatting to someone. So 4 minutes from restaurant to apartment to check the children before chatting to this friend?

11)The McCann's firmly believe Maddie is still alive. So put yourself in that position. You're peaking to the press day in, day out for weeks in a bid to keep it in the spotlight, to keep yoru daughter in everyone's minds. You appeal to whoever has her to bring her back. Fair enough. However, given the massive press coverage and the fact your child is in every newspaper, on posters everywhere and on every tv set in the world is it not likey Maddie will see herself somewhere and ask questions if she is alive? Or say "Oh look there's me!" as 3 year olds do. Again it comfirms that anyone taking her with a view to keeping her alive would not be able to take her out, put her to school, to a doctor, to a restaurant. No-one is going to take that risk. She is no use to anyone who wanted to keep her alive. But...as her parent you are absolutely sure she is alive somewhere...does instinct not tell you to appeal to your daughter? To tell her you love her and want her home. That you didn't give her away, that you miss her and that you are doing all you can to get her back. Why have the McCanns not said any of this? Forget the advice they might be getting. Gut instinct and emotion sometimes overrules everything else. Not once have they appealed to their child directly.

There is a theory doing the rounds...

That the McCanns may have sedated the children to help keep them asleep while they were out. They return to find Maddie dead. They desperately ty to resusitate her but fail. It's not an out of this world theory. So what do they do? Their daughter is dead. They prescribed medicine they shouldn't have. They have careers and 2 other children. Do they risk losing everything? or do they cover it up knowing there's nothing they can do for Maddie now? It's not outwith the realms of probability if it happened a day or do sooner than we were told Maddie disappeared. They would have had time to for the meal alibi and to get rid of the body.

I'm not saying this is what happened. I'm merely throwing up the option. I sincerely hope they did not do it. They would instantly become the most hated people in the country. I hope Maddie is found...even if she is dead as horrible as that sounds...so one way or the other this can be put to bed. If the McCann's are innocent they need to get closure on this and if finding her proves they were involved then they need to be punished.

One things for sure...if they are innocent it's one of the first times there has been smoke without fire.

Jenny xx