On Saturday...

I had a wee gathering at my house.

Now even before the door went for the first time I had arsed the best part of 3/4 of a bottle of wine on an empty stomach which is never a good idea. So I was feeling a bit cheery by the time people started arriving!

As the night went on I dumped Gallo for a dangerous Russian called Smirnoff and happily admit to being completely intoxicated by him for the rest of the evening.

Anyway I trudged upstairs at about 4.15am barely able to keep my eyes open and trudged back down again 20 minutes later to say goodbye to Ross, My Sis, Lynnie and Rob* all of whom (as usual) were last to leave...in a very random thing to do kind of way I had taken off my jeans and knickers and had the foresight to put on my PJ bottoms (always a bonus when you come back down to say cheerio to people!) yet I kept my top, bra and jewellery on...more randomly still when I went back up I moisturised my feet and put lip balm on (as I do most nights) but didn't take my make up off! What the fuck?

Anyhow I sleep deeply at the best of times but when I'm drunk my sleep is more a short course in death so my next memory was hearing the doorbell at about 10.30am. The faint Ding Dong was registered somewhere in my head and promptly ignored. Then though the polite Ding Dong was relaced with a not so polite BANG! BANG! BANG! I opened one eye, lifted my head about an inch from the pillow, tilted it to one side like the dog does when she's listening intently, paused for a nano-second to take in the noise and just as I had decided whoever it was could sod off I heard a voice shout "You better open this bloody door!" Now that raised my interest level a bit higher. So I poked the lump lying next to me (who had yet to register any signs of life never mind interest) and murmured "Who the hell is that?" I was prepared for an answer like "Yer ma probably" or "Dammit that'll be my bird" but I wasn't really prepared for "It sounds like Kate*" again I felt my interest level rise a notch, Kate is one of my neighbours and a quiet wee soul. Her Husbad had been at the party but she hadn't as she was apparently ill. The banging had stopped and I heard footsteps stomping away from the front door.

I dragged myself into an upright position and looked at the clock. Just then the phone rang and for some stupid reason I decided to go and answer it downstairs rather than grab the one next to me. By the time I made it down it had stopped. A quick call check later and a listen to the answering machine and it became obvious that it was indeed Kate at the door. She was looking for her Husband who despite living 2 doors away had yet to go home.

I did a quick scout round...I heard someone in the kitchen and opened the door thinking it might be him...only to be met by my 11 year old in her PJ's saying "Well that's the first load in the dishwasher but I'll need to do another later and there were peanuts on the carpet you know!" in a very Motherly way. I nodded and left, feeling decidedly unable to communicate with her at that point. My search proved fruitless...there were no overnight guests to be found!

I headed back upstairs and fell on the bed. I reached feebly for my mobile and sent out feelers to a couple of party attenders on the whereabouts of the missing neighbour. A couple of Beep Beep's later and it was established that rather then walk the 2 doors home when he left at 4.30am my neighbour had jumped in the taxi which was Edinburgh bound and had last been seen at about 7am on the sofa in my Sister's house. She and Lynnie had crashed out about then and the reply came back that he had left sometime between then and now.

Better Half was nudged again with instructions to get dressed and go and let Kate know that her Hubby wasn't here and hadn't been since 4am and that last we knew he'd gone into Edinburgh (I felt it best to leave the fact that that happened to be in the company of a single man and two single females out!). Better Half was not overjoyed at this but agreed it was best to stop Kate worrying about him.

10 minutes later and with me firmly back in bed and aware of a horrible earache kicking in, Better Half returned to say the message had been delivered and that Kate had spoken to her vanishing Husband (who had turned his mobile back on) and that said Husband could "Get to fuck cause he's fucking done it this time"

Oops.

So safe in the knowledge that my doorbell wouldn't ring and my door wouldn't be banged on and no-one was likely to be shouting at me from outside I pulled up the covers and got comfy again...course as Better Half was dressed he was sent to pick up the dog from the kennels and directed to the kitchen to rustle up sausage (quorn of course!), egg and beans and a nice cup of tea for me...and after eating my breakfast I promptly went back to sleep until 4pm!

I knew there was a reason I only do this party thing once every few years...it's not the party as such or the organisation...it's the inevitable chaos that ensues afterwards!

Jenny xx
*Rob and Kate ain't their real names. Their real names are Janet and John. Nope that's a lie too!