Monday, January 22, 2007

Something To Offend Everyone...

Well why not eh?...

What is a Yankee?
Same as a quickie but a man can do it himself.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air so like sex?
Because it's no big deal until you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart Blonde?
A Golden Retriever.

What do Accountants use as birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
10 years and 4 stone in weight.

What's the difference between a woman's Lover and her Husband?
About 3 inches, 45 minutes and 4 stone in weight.

What's the best way to a mans heart?
Straight through the chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men marry Virgins?
Cause they can't stand criticism.

Why is is so hard for a woman to find a good looking, kind, sensitive and caring man?
Because good looking, kind, sensitive, caring men already have a boyfriend.

What's the difference between a new Husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog will still put his head near your vagina.

What's the difference between a Porcupine and a BMW?
The Pocupine has it's pricks on the outside.

What did the Blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?

Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
To a different bar.

What would you call it if an Italian had one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet, little 80 year old woman to say "Fuck"?
Get another sweet, little 80 year old to shout "House".

What's the difference between a northern hemisphere zoo and a southern hemisphere zoo?
A southern hemisphere zoo will have a description of the animal as well as a "recipe".

How do you castrate a Hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

When does a Postie get his bonus payment?
Whenever it's one of his customer's birthdays.

Why did the producers decide not to make CSI West Virginia?
Because it would be impossible to identify suspects as they all share the same DNA.

What do you call a Glaswegian girl in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

What's the difference between a blow job and a wank?
A wedding ring.

How does a blind Aberdonian man tell if he's with the right female?
He feels her wool.

Whats the difference between a mistress and a wife?
A mistress gets on her knees, a wife will have the man on his.

Why do Gentlemen prefer blondes?
Because they're on the same level as them intellectually.

What do you call a man with 2 wives?
A sadist.

Why does the world assume all Americans are thick?
President George W Bush.

Why are men like parking spaces?
Because they're either too small or the best one's are taken.

How does a Californian woman make sure her Husband provides for her?
She divorces him.

And just to prove I'm happy to offend my own folks....

What do a Virgin and a Scotsman have in common?
They're both tight.

Jenny xx


Professor Ratbaggy said...

Funny as Fcuk!

when I first read the one about castrating the hillbilly, I thought it said hibby. Must get my eyes checked.

Steven Douglas said...

Does that make all Scotsmen, virgins? Or all virgins, Scotsmen? Hhmmmm...

Wreckless said...

SD - No it makes all scotsmen wannabee virgins, and all virgins wanna leave scotland.....


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