As you may have gathered Friday was the night of my Wee Sis's 30th birthday which to be a bit different was fancy dress. I appeared in my 80's gear looking like a total muppet along with my surfer dude Better Half, my T-Bird son and my pink lady daughter and spotted Ross and Yvonne already sitting with drinks in hand and smiles on faces. Minutes later Ross was at the bar and we hit the road to oblivion...
Now being someone who doesn't suffer when she drinks and always has total recall I have no blank spots...but having total recall and no hangover doesn't mean I wasn't ever so slightly smashed! So in a similar vein to Ross, here's my memories...
- Drinking (despite my initial protests) shots of Aftershock within 30 minutes of arriving.
- Telling my friend in front of her new boyfriend whom I'd only just met for the first time "Oh he's nowhere near as short as I thought he'd be. I was expecting a dwarf!"
- Spending the best part of 20 minutes trying to bluetooth a video to Scott from my phone. Two drunks trying to work technology is never a good idea!
- Having 4 drinks in front of me and arsing them quick style after being accused of lagging behind.
- Disscussing the finer points of Ross' sex life and his principles of not sleeping with married/taken women.
- Ross then telling me he'd do me if I wasn't with Better Half. (Oh yes you did!!)
- Refusing point blank to walk to the bank with Ross half way through the night giving my reason as "I'm walking nowhere dressed like this and certainly not in 4 inch heels!".
- Telling my friends new boyfriend that he better be nice to her in that "big sister" way you do.
- Telling my friend she should be nicer to him cause he seemed a nice lad in a similar way.
- Removing my skirt in the ladies because it was annoying me, folding it nicely and sticking it in my handbag!
- Having an indepth conversation about draft lemonade and how it always tastes odd with a female in the cubicle next door to me as we both had a wee.
- Telling Ross that he was trying too hard when it came to women. Explaining that the human hamburger would always pull over him because initially a relationship is based on lust and not poems and romance.
- Being told loudly (as the music had stopped) by Ross that women were deep as puddles and we were all doomed!
- Putting pink eyeshadow and mascara on some bloke during a game.
- Slow dancing with Better Half and telling him if he was single I'd pull him.
- Telling my sister and her pal they both loved a bit of grief and that if they smiled more they'd have less wrinkles.
- Sitting on the toilet singing loudly and hearing a voice say "Jenny I want to ask you something. You'll know the answer" and replying "wait till I finish the chorus and I'm all yours".
- Some horrid old man (who wasn't at the party) telling me he'd like to see my heels wrapped round his neck before wiggling his tongue at me and replying that if he wasn't careful he'd see my hands wrapped round his neck instead.
- Drawing a sharp intake of breath as Ross reeled backwards towards the bowling green fearing the worst but seeing him saved by the ropes!
- Telling Ross that due to his size and build it seemed likely he would have a small fat knob. (it's a wee personal joke)
- Taking my step daughters boyfriend's mobile from him mid call and chatting to his friend Michael.
- Dancing to Loch Lomond (that end of night thing) and Scott telling me that they were gonna play The Proclaimers next and how I wasn't getting to sit down and would have to dance to it and feeling the blood supply to my hand stop as he gripped it super tight so I couldn't escape!
- Dancing to The Proclaimers and declaring to Scott "Us Jambos will dance to your Hibby songs because we are a better class of person".
- Being a tad amused to see Better Half (who usually does not dance unless threatened) dancing away, on his own, in his flip flops to The Proclaimers and singing loudly but using swear words and sticking in the word Jambo's at every opportunity.
- Meeting Karen and telling her that when our kids were at Nursery together a few of the parents thought she had cancer and was bald because she always wore a hat.
- Losing a shoe and telling Better Half to find it as I loved those shoes and I would be devastated if I had to go home without one. All while pouting like a child.
- Walking out the club and stopping for a chat with everyone outside for 15 minutes and at one point sitting down because it seemed like a good idea. Then asking a hideously drunk Ross to pull me back up. It could have gone very wrong but luckily it didn't!
- Getting a taxi home (£27 robbing bastards) and getting into bed at about 3am and listening to Better Half puke for a while before falling asleep and leaving him to it!
- Waking up at 8am, looking in the mirror and for a split second wondering if I had been in a fight before realising the blue tone round my eyes was last nights eyeshadow!
All in all it was a no bad night really.