While I'm On The God Thing..

Luckily for mankind we have been provided with a list of sins which we should avoid, commonly known as the Seven Deadly Sins. Obviously it’s got to be taken as read that bad stuff will happen if we let ourselves commit these sins because of the fact they felt the need for them to be deadly. If we are expected to live by them it seems only right that our Creator and Supreme Being (allegedly) set a good example by doing the same. So did He manage to avoid the pitfalls. It seems not…

PRIDE -
In the bible we are told that He surveyed his work and He saw it was good. A man who took pride in his work then?

WRATH -
Let’s face it the Old Testament is full of instances of Him letting someone feel his wrath. I quote “The anger of the Lord burned against Israel” Samuel (24.1) Burning anger/Wrath - six and two threes if you ask me. There are many examples of the same. Seems He had an anger of biblical proportions which is highly appropriate!

ENVY -
Wording from the Ten Commandments - "You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord, your God, am a jealous God..." Says it all really.

LUST -
A liking for young virgins, holy spirits impregnating them, Jesus hanging around with prostitutes…

GLUTTONY -
Mmmm let me think. He wants to be the only Big Cheese in town and He would like us all to worship him. Seems He is not content unless he has Billions of us falling on our knees to Him and created us for that purpose. Now that’s just greedy.

AVARICE -
Now here’s where He might redeem himself. He had no need for money after all. However His representatives here on Earth certainly do. All those American Evangelists on Tv “$100 to get you straight to heaven” and all that.

SLOTH -
The Bible tells us "By the seventh day God finished the work He had been doing; so on the seventh day He rested from all His work.". Fair enough but as none of the work he did was physical why did he need a rest? Anyway if He is all seeing how comes He does nothing when His people are facing crisis? He may have created the Universe but Man has created all the really useful things we have today. What the hell has He been doing for all these years since His last project? Guess He’s been chilling out.

It's not looking good as far as setting an example goes is it now?

Jenny xx

Dragging It Into The Twenty First Century...

We live in a world of constant changes. They say things can't stay the same, that we need to change with the times, move the goalposts, re-write the rules...I reckon this should apply even if the rules are set in stone and with that I give you...

The Ten Commandments (Updated)

1. I am the Lord your God who brought you out of slavery in Egypt. Unless you’ve never been to Egypt or were a black slave in America in which case your God could be Martin Luther King.

2. You shall have no other gods but me. Except those who play for your favourite football team or indeed sing with your favourite rock group.

3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God. Unless you are angry, in pain, fed up, tired, excited, emotional, giving birth, delirious, happy, surprised…at times like this you may find use for the phrases Holy Fuck, Jesus Wept, Christ Al-fucking Mighty, In The Name Of God, Jesus H Christ, Fucking Crucify Me Why don’t You?, For Christs Sake, I Swear To Fucking God I’m going To Fucking Kill You.

4. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy. Indeed wholly for lounging about reading the Sunday tabloids, eating and drinking.

5. Respect your father and mother. Unless they are complete fuck ups who have ruined your life or you do not know who they are.

6. You must not kill. Unless some bastard interferes with your child. This commandment does not extend to spiders who are free game.

7. You must not commit adultery. Unless you are sure you will not be caught.

8. You must not steal. From family or friends but major retailers that make millions of pounds in profits are a fair target.

9. You must not give false evidence against your neighbour. Unless they are the neighbours from hell in which case you are entitled to say what you like to get rid of them or drop them in the shit.

10. You must not be envious of your neighbour's goods. You shall not be envious of his house nor his wife, nor anything that belongs to your neighbour. However, there’s a good chance that you will and in such cases you will out do his home improvements, sleep with his wife and drive a bigger and better car.

Jenny xx

Middle Name...

I've never been that fond of mine. It is in case you're wondering May as in Jenny May. Why I chose to use it on here is beyond me cause I never use it anywhere else unless of course a man in uniform asks for it!

I'm called after my Gran who was a May. Could have been worse I suppose she could have been an Agnes! I've only ever met one other person with the middle name May and that's my good fiend Nikki's little girl Rowan. Maybe there is something in a name because she is a lovely wee thing, individual, fiesty and always has a "thinking" look like she's summing things up. I predict big things for her!I was surprised to find out that May is the 5th most popular middle name for a girl in Britain.

Traditionally middle names are used as a salute to other, mainly older relatives. This is certainly the case in my family. My younger Sis has the middle name Heather after Mum and poor Mum got the middle name Williamina after her Grandad who was obviously William. My Dad was the only one of us without a middle name but his name lives on in my nephew Dean whose middle names are Samuel Ross after both his Grandad's!! My two carry middle names as well. 8 year old has Rebecca in the middle in memory of my Great Gran Becky and 5 year old carries the names Thomas Francis around with him in tribute to Better Half's Grandad and Dad.

I suppose many people think it's a bit uncool to use middle names as a bit of respect to another relative but I think it's lovely especially when you are the person being remembered! I recall being chuffed to bits when my Sis and her Hubby told me they had given my niece the middle name Jennifer after me.

Ross I know is one who was never a big fan of his middle name and so changed it, one person I know has the middle names Jemima Helen which is so strange it's brilliant and my other little niece carries the middle names Isabella Carmen which brings to mind a dark haired film godess instead of a little girl from Midlothian but as she's gorgeous and dark I think she'll grow into the name just fine!

Spare a thought though for a girl I used to work with who got landed with the middle names Isobel Theresa...sounds ok until you know her first name began with T and her surname was Spencer. Name on the cheque book? Miss T.I.T Spencer. As for the parents who called their son Paul Rory Ian Cameron Knowles...what the fuck where you thinking??

Jenny xx

Love Is...

nothing if not complicated and bittersweet.

Sometimes in life we fall for the wrong person. Sometimes we fall for the right person. It's a gamble. If you're really lucky and all things are going your way everything works out just fine and then love is the warmest, happiest feeling you know. If the stars ain't on your side though love can be painful and leave you empty inside.

In life we all must take risks and relationships and love are full of risks. That and opportunity.
The world is full of people who have fallen for someone but missed their opportunity or been too afraid of the risks. How many times have we heard the excuses used for not pursuing someone we want. It's that same old lines everytime..what if it ruins our friendship? They might say no, they're with someone else, it's too long distance, I'm not pretty/thin/funny enough for them...

Time isn't always on your side and an opportunity missed is an opportunity wasted. I'm sure most of us have experienced that feeling in your gut when you realise that you've missed your chance and the object of your desire is now with someone else. Then you beat yourself up wishing you'd done something sooner. Too little, too late.

Personal experience has taught me to be bold in love. To follow the instinct. Better half was a married man when I met him. I was a married woman with a toddler. I had a list of excuses as long as my arm why I shouldn't take things further...but my heart told me to go for it and for once in my life I listened to that instead of my head and all the excuses it was full of and I jumped in with both feet.

It was the best thing I ever did. We've now been together 6 years and although we caused grief along the way, everyone involved is in a better place now especially me.

So to those of you pining for someone, for those of you wondering whether to make the leap...take a deep breath and jump. Think about it what's the worst that can happen? Yeah you could be rejected and suffer embarrassment but on the other hand you could just find yourself living out for real the things you dream about in your head.

Good Luck.

Jenny xx

Changing Rooms...

My house is currently like a bombsite. Unfit for human habitation and certainly unfit for any visitors to see. I'd be in deep trouble if a long distnace relative appeared on my doorstep!

The reason for this isn't because I'm a minging cow who has't cleaned...it's because we're decorating.

Currently as I write I am in the kitchen. Alongside me are two bin bags full of old clothes, a pile of mail to either be discarded or filed away, 2 mirrors, shelves, nick knacks for the downstairs loo, a matress, pictures, pots of paint, rollers, trays and brushes. Luckily my kitchen is fairly big so there's still room for me!

We decided to re-decorate 5 year old's bedroom...I use that term loosely, why do builders assume that a room 8ft by 6.5 foot is any use to anyone?? Anyway I bought the paint, white and blue seeing as he's a boy and joyously showed my choices to 5 year old who instantly declared "I don't want blue, I want Maroon" before throwing himself to the ground in a complete hissy fit. My son, like the rest of my household is a massive Hearts fan, hence the desire for the Maroon paint of his favourite Fottball team! I still reckoned on the blue but was out voted when 5 year old called in his Dad who instantly agreed that Maroon was indeed a good choice.

So the room is now freshly painted in White and Maroon. Of course it didn't stop there. Oh no. The painting was followed by new flooring, a new bed (in the process of being built as I write this) and a new wardrobe, currently sitting in the downstairs hallway!

In addition to 5 year old's room, the downstairs loo and kitchen are about to receive the same treatment. I must be mad. Every good housewife will tell you though that Santa likes a nice house to visit! We do we always feel the need to decorate "for christmas"???

Anyway I'm off now to help with the flat pack building, we all know men can't so it alone!

Jenny xx

My Mother's Love Life...

Seems to be the talk of the Bowling Club at the moment!

Rumours are rife that she has got herself a boyfriend and I suppose in a way she has if you put a space between the words boy and friend.

Mum has a group of friends that she socialises with and amongst that group there is a man who like Mum is on his own following the death of his wife. I used to think that once you got past a certain age it was possible to hang around with a man without people automatically assuming you were together. It appears this is not the case!

Some of Mum's other friends who are not part of the immediate group have convinced themselves and anyone else who'll listen that there's a serious relationship in development. I think they can hear wedding bells and knowing how gossip can spread I can only assume that in a few weeks time my Mother will be pregnant!!

I find the whole scenario amusing. Mum on the other hand is more of a worrier. She doesn't like people talking about her. I suppose for nearly 40 years she was able to hide behind my Dad whenever things got rough and he wasn't one to stand back and say nothing! Both my Sis and I have told her not to be daft...let 'em all think what they like is our feelings!

For the record, Mum and the man in question are good friends. He escorts her to club functions and she has helped him measure his curtain lengths in his new house. Occaisonally they dance together and he will buy her a drink at the bar...shocking ain't it?

As far as I'm concerned anyone who has known my Mum and Dad as a couple for any decent length of time or indeed anyone who saw what the aftermath of my Dad's death did to her will realise that my Dad meant the whole world to my Mum, he was and is the only man she ever loved. That said let's remember that life does indeed go on and my Mum is a 54 year old woman with (god willing) plenty of life left in her. In the last few months she has tranformed from a woman clouded with grief to a woman full of life and that is a good thing as far as I'm concerned. She will never get over losing my Dad but if someone else's companionship is helping put a smile on her face then so be it!

I loved my Dad more than any other man on the planet. He was unique, handsome, funny, intelligent and the best Dad anyone could have wished for. No one will ever take his place in my heart but of course there will be room made for anyone who makes my Mum happy.

If she chooses to take her friendship further then I'll back her all the way. After all she , my sister and I all know the hard way that life is too short not to be happy.

Whatever happens, be happy Mum.

Jenny xx

Darn Those Needles...

As you may know I'm currently on a course of injections to boost my B12 supply. Today I had injection number 3. The last two have been deposited in my ass, one on either side, and were kind of painful especially when I sat down!

Today though I saw the nurse who decided to stick number 3 in my upper arm. I took 5 year old along for the ride and while I winced and screwed up my face in pain he lay on the table in the nurses room laughing at me. Nice.

It was a damn sight more painful getting the jag in the arm. My arm feels like lead just now and I can't raise it above elbow height without making strange faces and wanting to moan out loud.

Now not being able to use my arm tonight meant I would be useless behind the bar so I'm not at work which is a shame because if your going to be off work you should use the time to get pissed and go out instead of sitting watching tv holding your throbbing arm.

I need to cheer myself up. I'm off to e bay to buy things I do not need nor want but as painkillers have not helped I am going to see if retail therapy will!

Have a nice evening.

Jenny xx

I'm Not Going Mad...

I used to be hyperactive. I mean properly hyperactive. As a baby I slept for one hour out of 24 and once on my feet I would spend all night walking round my parent's coffee table over and over again. God bless my poor folks it must have been an absolute nightmare. It's bad enough having a new baby to deal with without it being loopy like I was.

All through childhood I was a night person...always up late, living on little sleep. Once I started working I loved doing the night shifts and often had only a few hours kip each day. I always had bags of energy and was always up to something, going somewhere or planning something.

Then I hit 26 and things began to change. Following the birth of 5 year old my body decided to change the way it worked. Gone were the days of boundless energy and in came tiredness like I'd never had in my life. I could sleep for 15 hours a night and still be tired a few hours later. I was often freezing cold and I began to get headaches which would last for days on end.

The Doc's diagnosed depression and treated me for such but it made no difference. In any event I didn't feel depressed just bloody tired. 18 long months later I was told I didn't have depression I had hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid).

There's a barrel load of symtoms that go along with this illness...lethargy, weight gain, headaches, muscular aches, cold extremities, dizzyness, period troubles and many, many more. I have them all. Luckily once I begun treatment the tiredness eased off and the periods are now gone, the rest of it I put up with still but to a lower degree.

Recently though I noticed another wierd thing happening. The tiredness came back, the headaches became worse and instead of always having freezing feet and hands they now altered between freezing cold and boiling hot. Most worrying of all though was that I began to lose feeling in my feet and legs, and I noticed that my arms would turn purple. I also realised that I was getting pins and needles at least 7 times a day and that my hands and feet were constantly tingiling.

The Doc ran blood tests and we awaited the results. When they came back we were baffled. Everything was fine. She had ruled out neurological problems, diabetes, my Thyroid was ok, I wasn't lacking in Iron...it seemed a mystery.

She decided to run more bloods explaining she wanted to check my vitamin levels and folate levels. Today I got a call from her to say I am vitamin B12 deficient.

There are 2 reasons for the deficiency apparently, either you just don't eat enough foods that contain it or your body doesn't absorb it properly. Now given B12 is only found in animal products and especially red meat I reckon my reason will be the former. In fact when I told the Doc my diet consisted of pasta, tomatoes, crisps and ice lollies she was less than amused! I haven't eaten red meat since I was 11 years old although I do occasionally eat chicken and fish but apparently that doesn't cut the mustard in the B12 stakes. The Doc was kind enough to realise that despite the best thing being that I return to eating steaks it was not going to be an option for me. She didn't pressure me but understood it was a choice I had made over 20 years ago and there was no going back. The very thought makes my stomach turn.

So at last I have a reason for my new wierd symptoms. Funnily enough people with Thyroid conditions are more prone to B12 deficencies....now there's a shock! I think people thought I was making my symptoms up...I actually thought for a moment maybe I was going mad but I'm not. For a change!

Anyway I now have to get B12 injected into my bum 5 times in the next 2 weeks and then every 3 months for life...things moved kind of fast in this department. I got the call from the Doc at 12pm today and have picked up my prescription and have just returned from having my first prick in the arse!! My bum is now bloody sore but not to worry, if it means no more pins and needles then I'm happy.

Doc advised me to rest today after the injection to avoid bruising and to lessen any reactions I may get. Fat bloody chance I'm working tonight at the club!!

And so I leave you to sit on my sore bum until I leave to start pulling pints!

Jenny xx

Time For A Rant...

There I was last night sitting here checking my e-mails and sending a few when all of a sudden I get chucked out of it. Wierd. So I log back in, or at least try to. Turns out my e-mail address has been locked. Nice one.

Now as you do I went to the help page on-line to try and find out what is going on and how to fix it. It was about as much use as a chocolate teapot. The damn help page asks you to e mail them telling them what the problem is. You see the difficulty I might have doing that don't you?

So I resort to the telephone helpline (daylight robbery at 50p per minute) and I am met by an Asian woman who tells me to dial a different number. So I do and am met by another Asian woman telling me the same thing, ring another number. So I do. To cut the story short simply repeat the Asian woman and call another number thing by 7.

Eventually I get through to an Asian man who tells me to send an e-mail. "What fucking part of I can't get into the e-mail to send you one do you not understand?" The penny drops and he directs me to a help page where I can send a direct e-mail.

He advises me my e-mail is not suspended temporarily for maintenance so I must have breached the terms and conditions of use. "Try to remember the last e-mail you sent...it would have been that one that caused the lock". I think back. I remember it clearly. It was a message to my mate asking her how the kids and her Husband was. Here it is in full...

Hey you,

long time no speak. How's Chris and the kids? Hope everyone is doing ok. Drop me a line.

Jenny xx

Now it seems fairly innocent to me but obviously to Wanadoo it read something like...

Hey Osama,

Long time since you saw any action man, How's the plans for bombing the western world into oblivion coming along, hope it's all going to plan. Let me know when you need me to help.

Jenny xx

I mean honestly...you can see it, "Bloody hell it's a coded message from Jenny in Scotland, she's got terrorist links quick shut her account down". I fully expect the anti-terrorist squad at the door any minute, or maybe the paedophile police or drugs squad.

So if Mr Asian technical help man is to be believed I am not allowed to use my e mail account to send inoocent messages to friends across the globe. It is of course perfectly acceptable to send porn attachments, humour taking the piss out of all minorities, religions and cultures but a simple "hello, how's you?" is just unacceptable.

Fuck off.

So I've sent the direct e mail and await a response. Right now I hate fucking Wanadoo but what I hate more is the fact that every bloody time I need to ring them I get moved from one place to another but what I hate even more is the fact that everytime I speak to someone they are bloody Asian. I am assured there call centres are in England. If that's the case everyone in England must be Asian because it's not just Wanadoo it's every bloody place you ring.

Let me have another rant while I'm at it...I have worked in contact centres in various forms for nearly all my adult life. I have worked at all levels from the bottom to the top. It's not rocket science, you need only a few basic elements. You should be able to listen, be able to understand and be able to speak. It helps if you can type while doing the others as well but it's not always necessary.

The key to a sucessful contact centre is having staff who can perform these basic tasks while remaining polite. Why then do so many companies insist on hiring people who have just got off the asylum boat?? Seriously half of them can't speak English never mind understand it. Don't even get me started on this trend of moving contact centres to India and the like. They only do this because these people will work for a packet of monkey nuts and a glass of clean water. I just need to say stop it. I want to speak to someone who speaks my language. I don't want to haev to learn Urdu of whatever the fuck they speak.

End of rant.

Phew.

Jenny xx

Alton Towers or Bust...

It's the September weekend here in Edinburgh this weekend. A sort of made up public holiday. The kids are off school until Wednesday so we figured we'd do something. Now normal procedure during the september weekend is to pack your bags - families and pensioner's alike and head to Blackpool but not for us. I've had enough of Blackpool for the time being and anyway this weekend every coach in Lothian will be filled and heading that way. Blackpool's hotel's will be full of pensioner's on their annual trip away with their various clubs and societies and the prom will be full of Burberry wearing ned's and Dad's in afro wigs.

So instead we're heading to Alton Towers, it's the best time to go cause there will be hardly any English there. Nothing against them it's just that there are too damn many of them and they make the queues to long!

Of course as usual with my family it's not just me and my other 3 that are going. The rest of the tribe are coming along as well...we're like a trade union us lot...one out, all out.

So come Sunday I'll be riding Rita (pardon the expression) and plunging to Oblivion amongst other things.

Jenny xx

Got Me A New Status Symbol...

I like to have things a wee bit different from other people. Sadly I can't afford a shiny new Aston Martin DB9 or similar so have to make so with my new Honda C-RV. However I did allow myself the luxury of a few extra grand on having a leather interior, heated seats, dvd player, sat nav and fancy exhaust thingy but just to add a wee touch extra I've got myself a new personal number plate to put on it.

Better half has had one for 3 years now after a kind soul bought him one for his 39th birthday - that would be me!

I now have my own and I'm very pleased.

So there.

Jenny xx

Hello New Jersey

Had a wee look at my Stats today for the first time in ages.

Seems I've got me a fair few returning visitors and not only those who I know about! So hello to the Godess (she knows who she is!) and hello to the mysterious stranger from New Jersey who has been having a wee look.

God knows why you all keep coming back but it's nice knowing ya'll!

Have a nice day. Or night depending on where you are and what time it is.

Jenny xx

Life Education...

I've been on this planet for 31 years now and along the way I've learned a few things. I thought I'd share them with you. The list is not exhaustive and I'm sure I'll learn more as I go on my merry way through this life...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the duvet.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just lost causes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, Mr Nobody did it.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I’ve learned that you are only as old as the person you feel.

I’ve learned that when you think things can only get better they inevitably get worse.

I’ve learned never to trust anyone who says “Trust me”.

I’ve learned having manners is not important but how you use them is.

I’ve learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side, everyone has weeds.

I’ve learned there is no pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

I’ve learned that time stands still for no man unless he’s in a pub in which case time apparently has no relevance.

I’ve learned that one drink does not lead to another, it leads to many other’s.

I’ve learned that periods are not a curse but an excuse not to take the kids swimming.

I’ve learned that sex with a friend’s boyfriend is like having chocolate cake, you might enjoy it at the time but you will end up regretting having it.

I’ve learned that having kids is like having a tattoo, painful when you get them and with you for life.
I’ve learned only fools rush in except when there is a shoe sale on.

I’ve learned never to take people for granted unless I wish to be taken for granted myself.

I’ve learned that the price of a holiday advertised in a travel agents window is always incorrect.

I’ve learned that although I may have only 2 feet I need 30 pairs of shoes in order to function correctly.

I’ve learned that an early night means just that and not anything else.

I’ve learned that too many cooks may spoil the broth but my being the only cook in the house will lead to arguments in the kitchen.

I’ve learned that grief can only be taken away by the one person who has caused it.

I’ve learned that true friends have an open door, open heart and open ear to me and closed legs to my partner.

I’ve learned that money is not the root of all evil, jealousy is.

I’ve learned that true love is a feeling in the pit of your stomach, Lust is a feeling between your legs.

I’ve learned that a smile costs nothing but a snigger can cost you friendship or your job.

I’ve learned that good time keeping is not essential but good timing is.

I’ve learned that common sense is not common at all it is a rarity that few people actually use.

I’ve learned that occasionally demonstrating my temper will avoid the need for me to use it too often.

I’ve learned that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach but keeping a fridge stocked with lager and being pledging allegiance to his football team.

I’ve learned that in order to gain respect I need to give it.

I’ve learned that if I wear new underwear, more make up than normal and have my hair cut more than once every 6 weeks it will be assumed I am having an affair.

I’ve learned that ironing is a job best left to a man.

I’ve learned a smile has more effect on a man than a pair of tits ever will.

I’ve learned to accept my faults because others are every bit as flawed as I am.

I’ve learned that it is indeed better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I’ve learned that turning the other cheek is not always the best course of action but slapping someone else’s cheek may well be.

I’ve learned an unexpected pregnancy is not a mistake but an act of stupidity.

I’ve learned that a dog is not for life, just about 10 years.

I’ve learned there is no point having house insurance unless you claim on it.

I’ve learned to like Chinese food, after all a billion people can’t be wrong.

I’ve learned that mixing my drink does not lead to a hangover, too much drink does.

I’ve learned that giving someone a compliment costs nothing.

I’ve learned that only bad news comes in brown envelopes.

I’ve learned that sex education is a life long course.

I’ve learned speaking my mind can stop me from going out of my mind.

I’ve learned never to try and hold an important conversation with a man during match of the day.

I’ve learned not to go to bed on an argument but to stay up and fight.

I’ve learned not to follow my horoscope but to follow my instinct.

I’ve learned that white lies are acceptable because the truth can hurt.

I’ve learned that flattery will get you everywhere and anywhere.

I’ve learned it’s sometimes better to speak before you think rather than think before you speak.

I’ve learned that a good memory is a good thing, especially if you’ve told a lie.

I’ve learned saints are just sinners who have not yet been caught out.

I’ve learned that my favourite book is a cheque book.

I’ve learned sex is only dirty when it’s done properly.

I’ve learned religion is a weapon of mass destruction.

I’ve learned that knowledge is power but acting dumb can save your ass in a when you’re in a tight spot.

I’ve learned that true wisdom is knowing Tomatoes are a fruit but never putting them in a fruit salad.

I’ve learned to realise that sometimes it takes more courage to walk away than stand and fight.

I’ve learned that if I tell my children not to touch wet paint they will touch it anyway.

I’ve learned that I will not have to take anything on the chin provided I throw the first punch.

I’ve learned that money does not lead to happiness, spending it does.

I’ve learned that the older I get the more likely it is I will want to wear cardigans.

I’ve realised that a woman’s bladder ages a damn sight quicker than the rest of her body.

I’ve learned that emotional blackmail can work a treat.

I’ve learned that as a woman it may not be acceptable to have a dirty home but it is acceptable to have a dirty laugh and a dirty mind.

I’ve learned that I will never spend less than 20 minutes in a Post Office queue on pension day.

I’ve learned that a dog is not man’s best friend, the remote control is.

I’ve learned that true happiness is different things to different people.

I’ve learned that the most important job I will ever do is raising my children.

I’ve learned that stealing someone else's husband is acceptable if your doing the stealing.

I’ve learned that I can only find inner peace when I am in the bath with the door locked.

I’ve learned my children’s happiness depends on whether they are allowed sweets or not.

Jenny xx

I Love The Internet...

Ain't it grand? You can get all your shopping in, find enough reading material to satisfy your needs, find things to make you laugh or cry, download movies, music and anything else you fancy, get pictures, find intresting facts, look up relatives and friends, sort out your finances, get directions, chat to strangers, play games...the list is endless! You don't even have to leave the house, which is a great news for agoraphobics!!

Did I mention you can also find out lots of personal information about people? No? Well you can and this can be both intresting and sometimes necessary too!!

I'll give you an example shall I? Someone, who shall remain nameless, that I know claims to be a certain age. If it could be proven that this person was not the age they claimed to be it could have deliriously delightful consequences for a fair few people I know. So I am asked to find out if the age this person is claiming to be is true. 10 minutes on the internet and I have written proof that the person has lied about their age! Result!

So if you wanted to find out information on say Joe Bloggs within minutes you could know, his address, date of birth, credit history, who else lives with him, how many times Joe Bloggs got married and when and to whom and where, whether Joe has kids and whether he works...oh and his neighbours names if you like! Scary but true and all at the click of a mouse!

The sites that provide this info normally charge a fee but if you're dead clever you can get the info for free (I'm not telling how though...that's my secret...ok I'll give you a hint...you need to have a smart mouth!!).

Anyway suffice to say the person I know who claimed to be one age has now been proven to be uneconomical with the truth and I have the written proof. Gotcha!!!

I Love The Internet!!!

Jenny xx

Mutants Part 2...

Fucking typical! I would like to refer you to the post prior to this one in which I discussed my loathing of the Mutant Spiders of Kirknewton. I would like to quote myself at this point as saying in my previous post "I have had only 2 visits (from mutant spider) this year"

Strike that. Make it 3 visits. I sat there last night on the PC and heard a patter patter noise, right in front of me on the bloody wall not a foot away was bloody Mutant Spider crawling up my son's painting from nursery. Bastarding cheek! How did I handle it? I screamed, ran upstairs, woke better half to tell him of my plight. He swore, swore a bit more and then after a few minutes of nagging form me, headed off to dispose of the beast. Naked I might add...who the hell goes to dispose of Mutant Spider naked? Personally I'd have on at least a pair of protective overalls, gloves and wellies..oh and maybe a hat and goggles just to be safe, but naked? What if it falls to the floor? How the hell are you going to stand on it in bare feet?

Anyway the fact that I was sitting there in my PJ's with bare feet...and the thought that Mutant Spider may well have ran past my bare tootsies before running up my wall...Dear god what if Mutant Spider had missed the wall and mistaken my leg for something to climb up?? Holy Fuck!! (Note to self - Stop thinking about it..Now!) I am off for a lie down to recover from the shock in a well lit room where the windows have been closed for a few days...

Jenny xx

Mutants...

I've always been a city girl raised all my life in Edinburgh, until that is I moved out to the countryside just over 5 years ago. I am now in a small village about 6 miles outside Edinburgh and I need to tell you it certainly is different.

I remember coming to view the house I now live in for the first time...a nice quiet cul-de-sac of houses only a few years old, one main street with one shop and a pub, tree's everywhere, fields and plenty open spaces. A small village school and lots of lovely old cottages everywhere, it even has it's own little graveyard. I liked it and the house was sold!

What I didn't realise though was that living in such a location would bring previously undiscovered issues, for example, who knew sheep could make such a bloody racket bleating away at 5am, or that the wind is a damn sight noisier in the country as it rattles through all the tree's. In addition you have the fragrant smell of manure being spread over fields in the summer months and don't even get me started on the fact that snowploughs and gritters can't seem to find country roads in winter!

But I digress, the main problem I have encountered since my conversion to countryside life is the wildlife. Midges. Flies. Bluebottles. Daddy long legs. Slugs. Frogs. Snails. Horseflies. Butterflies, Dragonflies. Any other kind of fly. Hedgehogs. Moths. Foxes. Mice. Wasps. Bee's. Caterpillars. Rabbitts. All of them regular visitors to my house or garden at some point, Oh and spiders and here lies the real issue...I hate bloody spiders. Little baby spiders I can cope with...just, but great big mutant hairy spiders I can't.

Now before you think I'm over-reacting I kid you not when I tell you these things have bodies the size of a ten pence piece and legs as thick as matches. They're not your everyday house spider. They are beings unto themselves. They are enough to cause this Mother of 2 (and as such I have seen a few scary sights let me tell you!) to run from a room screaming and not return for hours!

Luckily I have better half who will remove the offending creature when they appear. It is compulsory that he kills them though, I'm not having them thinking they can come back again, or giving them the chance to mate with a partner and it's unacceptable to flush them down the loo, just in case they crawl back up when I'm peeing!!

Of course better half likes to laugh at my screaming and shaking and very occasionally will tease me by getting the offending beast and coming towards me with it. Following last weeks mutant spider visit (it was in my bloody bedroom the cheeky bugger!) I think he now realises his own death will follow should he keep this up!

Please don't tell me that the mutant spider is more scared of me than I am of it. That's rubbish. If I am afraid of something I would hide from it. Mutant spider is not afraid of me otherwise he would not walk across my lounge floor bold as brass, nor would he have the cheek to sit in my bath or for that matter to crawl up my bedroom wall in clear view of me. Don;t tell me either that having mutant spiders will help keep flies away - a can of bloody fly spray does the job just as well!!

Thankfully mutant spider only appears during the summer months and especially during warm periods when we have heavy rain. You see I have made a point of noticing mutant spiders movements. This year has been better than last and I have only had 2 visits so far this summer.

I read in an article that these mutants are moving into Scotland because our climate is getting warmer. Apparently they are fairly new to these parts and have worked their way north from the south of England over the last decade. Quelle surprise that we should be getting them from the English! Anyhow note to mutant spiders...fuck off to Spain, they have a much better climate than Scotland and the drinks cheaper.

Jenny xx