I've been on this planet for 31 years now and along the way I've learned a few things. I thought I'd share them with you. The list is not exhaustive and I'm sure I'll learn more as I go on my merry way through this life...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the duvet.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just lost causes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, Mr Nobody did it.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I’ve learned that you are only as old as the person you feel.
I’ve learned that when you think things can only get better they inevitably get worse.
I’ve learned never to trust anyone who says “Trust me”.
I’ve learned having manners is not important but how you use them is.
I’ve learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side, everyone has weeds.
I’ve learned there is no pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
I’ve learned that time stands still for no man unless he’s in a pub in which case time apparently has no relevance.
I’ve learned that one drink does not lead to another, it leads to many other’s.
I’ve learned that periods are not a curse but an excuse not to take the kids swimming.
I’ve learned that sex with a friend’s boyfriend is like having chocolate cake, you might enjoy it at the time but you will end up regretting having it.
I’ve learned that having kids is like having a tattoo, painful when you get them and with you for life.
I’ve learned only fools rush in except when there is a shoe sale on.
I’ve learned never to take people for granted unless I wish to be taken for granted myself.
I’ve learned that the price of a holiday advertised in a travel agents window is always incorrect.
I’ve learned that although I may have only 2 feet I need 30 pairs of shoes in order to function correctly.
I’ve learned that an early night means just that and not anything else.
I’ve learned that too many cooks may spoil the broth but my being the only cook in the house will lead to arguments in the kitchen.
I’ve learned that grief can only be taken away by the one person who has caused it.
I’ve learned that true friends have an open door, open heart and open ear to me and closed legs to my partner.
I’ve learned that money is not the root of all evil, jealousy is.
I’ve learned that true love is a feeling in the pit of your stomach, Lust is a feeling between your legs.
I’ve learned that a smile costs nothing but a snigger can cost you friendship or your job.
I’ve learned that good time keeping is not essential but good timing is.
I’ve learned that common sense is not common at all it is a rarity that few people actually use.
I’ve learned that occasionally demonstrating my temper will avoid the need for me to use it too often.
I’ve learned that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach but keeping a fridge stocked with lager and being pledging allegiance to his football team.
I’ve learned that in order to gain respect I need to give it.
I’ve learned that if I wear new underwear, more make up than normal and have my hair cut more than once every 6 weeks it will be assumed I am having an affair.
I’ve learned that ironing is a job best left to a man.
I’ve learned a smile has more effect on a man than a pair of tits ever will.
I’ve learned to accept my faults because others are every bit as flawed as I am.
I’ve learned that it is indeed better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
I’ve learned that turning the other cheek is not always the best course of action but slapping someone else’s cheek may well be.
I’ve learned an unexpected pregnancy is not a mistake but an act of stupidity.
I’ve learned that a dog is not for life, just about 10 years.
I’ve learned there is no point having house insurance unless you claim on it.
I’ve learned to like Chinese food, after all a billion people can’t be wrong.
I’ve learned that mixing my drink does not lead to a hangover, too much drink does.
I’ve learned that giving someone a compliment costs nothing.
I’ve learned that only bad news comes in brown envelopes.
I’ve learned that sex education is a life long course.
I’ve learned speaking my mind can stop me from going out of my mind.
I’ve learned never to try and hold an important conversation with a man during match of the day.
I’ve learned not to go to bed on an argument but to stay up and fight.
I’ve learned not to follow my horoscope but to follow my instinct.
I’ve learned that white lies are acceptable because the truth can hurt.
I’ve learned that flattery will get you everywhere and anywhere.
I’ve learned it’s sometimes better to speak before you think rather than think before you speak.
I’ve learned that a good memory is a good thing, especially if you’ve told a lie.
I’ve learned saints are just sinners who have not yet been caught out.
I’ve learned that my favourite book is a cheque book.
I’ve learned sex is only dirty when it’s done properly.
I’ve learned religion is a weapon of mass destruction.
I’ve learned that knowledge is power but acting dumb can save your ass in a when you’re in a tight spot.
I’ve learned that true wisdom is knowing Tomatoes are a fruit but never putting them in a fruit salad.
I’ve learned to realise that sometimes it takes more courage to walk away than stand and fight.
I’ve learned that if I tell my children not to touch wet paint they will touch it anyway.
I’ve learned that I will not have to take anything on the chin provided I throw the first punch.
I’ve learned that money does not lead to happiness, spending it does.
I’ve learned that the older I get the more likely it is I will want to wear cardigans.
I’ve realised that a woman’s bladder ages a damn sight quicker than the rest of her body.
I’ve learned that emotional blackmail can work a treat.
I’ve learned that as a woman it may not be acceptable to have a dirty home but it is acceptable to have a dirty laugh and a dirty mind.
I’ve learned that I will never spend less than 20 minutes in a Post Office queue on pension day.
I’ve learned that a dog is not man’s best friend, the remote control is.
I’ve learned that true happiness is different things to different people.
I’ve learned that the most important job I will ever do is raising my children.
I’ve learned that stealing someone else's husband is acceptable if your doing the stealing.
I’ve learned that I can only find inner peace when I am in the bath with the door locked.
I’ve learned my children’s happiness depends on whether they are allowed sweets or not.