Thursday, September 29, 2005

Dragging It Into The Twenty First Century...

We live in a world of constant changes. They say things can't stay the same, that we need to change with the times, move the goalposts, re-write the rules...I reckon this should apply even if the rules are set in stone and with that I give you...

The Ten Commandments (Updated)

1. I am the Lord your God who brought you out of slavery in Egypt. Unless you’ve never been to Egypt or were a black slave in America in which case your God could be Martin Luther King.

2. You shall have no other gods but me. Except those who play for your favourite football team or indeed sing with your favourite rock group.

3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God. Unless you are angry, in pain, fed up, tired, excited, emotional, giving birth, delirious, happy, surprised…at times like this you may find use for the phrases Holy Fuck, Jesus Wept, Christ Al-fucking Mighty, In The Name Of God, Jesus H Christ, Fucking Crucify Me Why don’t You?, For Christs Sake, I Swear To Fucking God I’m going To Fucking Kill You.

4. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy. Indeed wholly for lounging about reading the Sunday tabloids, eating and drinking.

5. Respect your father and mother. Unless they are complete fuck ups who have ruined your life or you do not know who they are.

6. You must not kill. Unless some bastard interferes with your child. This commandment does not extend to spiders who are free game.

7. You must not commit adultery. Unless you are sure you will not be caught.

8. You must not steal. From family or friends but major retailers that make millions of pounds in profits are a fair target.

9. You must not give false evidence against your neighbour. Unless they are the neighbours from hell in which case you are entitled to say what you like to get rid of them or drop them in the shit.

10. You must not be envious of your neighbour's goods. You shall not be envious of his house nor his wife, nor anything that belongs to your neighbour. However, there’s a good chance that you will and in such cases you will out do his home improvements, sleep with his wife and drive a bigger and better car.

Jenny xx

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