Stick 12 women in a room.
Add a large dose of alcohol.
Mix in some lingerie and a pvc nurses uniform.
Blend with sex toys of all shapes and sizes.
Sprinkle with some forfeits and games.
Allow to heat up for 2 hours or so.
Yes on Saturday night this was indeed the recipe for much hilarity. I was at an Ann Summers party and as with ones I've attended before it was the usual loud, giggly affair with plenty of confessions and stories being dished out.
There was a good mix of girls there which always helps. I say girls but in reality we're all grown women! Some of us knew each other, some of us were meeting for the first time but there's nothing like sitting around feeling up a latex penis and discussing it's pros and cons to break the ice or indeed a game of spit or swallow!
Men were dissected, their sexual performances and physical attributes discussed with much humour. Intimate facts passed from one woman to another about their sex lives and their partners.
The hysteria reached fever pitch when the rep reached for her vibrators...the room was quite literally buzzing! Several hundred pounds was quickly spent in the room, with the majority going on battery operated devices!
The women ranged in age from mid-twenties to mid-forties and intrestingly every one in that room already owned a battery operated playmate or had owned one previously. A sign of a poor sex life or just a sign that women are more sexually aware? Who knows? Although the fact that a fair few in the room bought "little blue pills" might speak volumes!
I do know that there can be a tendancy to get a bit caught up in the moment....just ask the woman who woke up the next morning saying "I think I bought a 6ft whip last night!" or the one who spent a small fortune even after declaring "My man's not really into lingerie or sex toys, he just laughs". He won't when he realises how much she spent!
Jenny xx
Monday, March 26, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Screenplay Idea...
So I've had this idea for a screenplay. Here's the plot outline...
The story is set around a small commune which has been locked in a time warp by it's rulers. The back story tells us how the rulers, known as The Clique, were voted into their leadership by making the people think they were wise and knowledgable with the power to make the commune a good place to be and pledging promises of better times ahead. We soon see that these were false promises though as The Clique, once they have secured their places, become increasingly more dictorial and begin making decisions to suit their own agenda. That agenda is to keep the people under their power, to opress them and to govern them with rules that are decades out of date and that hold little relevance to todays society...rules which keep the commune locked in a time warp and away from the real world and it's influence.
We see examples of how The Clique do this. Denying the people the right to dress as they wish, actively encouraging the wearing of cardigans and sensible shoes. Dictating the prices of goods throughout the commune. Forbidding the people to walk on grassed areas within the commune. Putting their corrupt insiders into positions of power where they can spy on the people. Denying rights to freedom of speech.
The people of the commune are shell shocked at having to live under these regulatory guidelines but initially still believe The Clique who tell them that these harsh rules are for the long term benefit of the commune. However, we see The Clique make one or two decisions which begin to cause restlessness and concern amongst the people. They make decisions of what social activities the commune people can participate in and begin summoning people in front of them in their grand hall to punish them for small misdemeanours.
Meanwhile 2 freedom fighters (Joss and Ren) are becoming increasingly concerned about the decisions and actions of The Clique. They are long term friends who have been at the commune for many years. We flash back to see how they met and the bond that is between them. Beautiful scenes show us the two of them as teenagers before losing touch with each other as life taken them on separate paths. Later we see them meeting up again a decade or so later when they both come to the commune, older, wiser but still bound together by their sense of humour, love of the written word and shared history.
Slowly but surely The Clique begin to stamp down on the people. Everyone is under scrutiny as they seek to become ever more dominant and Joss soon finds himself called to the grand hall and being questioned about a trip he made outwith the commune. The Clique are unhappy about it and decide to punish him. By now there is a air of discontent with in the commune. Some people are beginning to realise that The Clique are out to crush them. Small groups form and discuss how they feel. Joss and Ren hear the whispers and when Ren is subjected to bullying by one of The Cliques corrupt insiders after rejecting sexual advances from them she decides to speak out. Flashbacks show us the corrupt insider making his advances and Ren shunning them. We then see how the corrupt insider slowly turns against Ren and plots revenge against her. Meanwhile The Clique have become aware of Ren's outspokeness and she is summoned to the grand hall under the pretence that they want to help her. Within minutes Ren realises it has all been a set up and that corrupt insider has lied to The Clique. They decide to punish Ren and banish her from the commune, never to be seen again.
The Clique do not disclose what has happened with Ren. They remain silent but let rumour slip that Ren was corrupt and out to tarnish and destroy the commune. Ren, though had made plans with Joss to ensure he could listen in on what the Clique said to her at her summons. We watch as he sits in a quiet place, risking being caught, to hear what is said in the Grand Hall. Joss makes sure that the people of the commune know the truth. That Ren was set up and banished. He knows that speaking out may well cause him to be next and is unsurprised to find himself summoned just a short while later. Concurrently we see The Clique being told by a corrupt insider of what Joss has been saying. We see them set up monitoring of his actions, looking out for misdemeanours and evidence of his contravening the non-right to freedom of speech.
Joss is also punished heavily. He too is stripped of everything he had in the commune and is expelled into the great beyond. The Clique are keen to show the people of the commune that dissent and non-conformity to their rules will not be accepted.
The people of the commune are shocked. Many weaken and decide it is best to comply with The Cliques demands and rules but factions start to form...The Clique underestimated the effect that banishing Joss and Ren might have. A secret underground movement begins to grow. Fed up with living in a dictatorship, under an oppressive regime that acively encourages them to become old before their time and wear cardigans and sensible shoes. Plans are quietly being made to overthrow the regime and to hold an uprising against The Clique.
Meanwhile Ren and Joss are meeting up in the outside world. Ren has made friends with a freedom fighter called Sol who is well qualified in quashing organisations like The Clique. She introduces him to Joss and together they work to find a solution and make people aware of the levels of corruption and the tyrannical ways of The Clique. We see lots of late night shots with beer and whisky as they 3 look over books and do research for their quest. Joss and Ren get a message to the underground group in the commune to tell them of their plans. Together with Ren's friend Sol they decide to take action against The Clique at a higher level by going to the outside worlds highest juristiction The People's Tribune to get them to agree to put sanctions on The Clique. The plan is complicated but Joss, Ren and Sol hope that if The People's Tribune agree to enforce sanctions it will show more people in the commune the errors of The Clique and weaken their hold.
Joss and Ren put their case to The People's Tribune... We see the tense meetings as Joss and Ren put their cases to The People's Tribune and scenes are played showing the wait for the outcome on which the whole plan rests...they are overjoyed when The People's Tribune finds in their favour and agrees to put sanctions in place. This gives the green light to the underground group and reports of the sanctions begin to leak to the people of the commune. More and more people go to the underground group to tell them of punishments they have received and their discontent at The Clique and it's oppressive regime. Soon the underground group has a good number of supporters. The Clique sense something is afoot and call a mass summons in the grand hall. All the people of the commune attend. The Clique know they are in a weakened position and suspect there may be a restlessness among the people and intend to use the meeting to crush any uprising. However, the underground group, also realising the weakened position of The Clique make their move and one by one begin throwing questions at The Clique about their running of the commune. We see scenes of chaos as the people become unruly, shouting and demanding answers. Corrupt insiders try in vain to restore order. Suddenly there is a loud bang, Nala the leader of the underground group has banged a big stick down on the floor. The sound gets everyone's attention. Nala steps forward. The room goes quiet. Nala looks in the direction of the leader of The Clique, Cardiman, and asks for the truth of what happened with Joss and Ren...we see the following scene played out...
Nala: "What happened with Joss and Ren?"
Cardiman: “You want answers?”
Nala: “I think I'm entitled”
Cardiman: “You want answers?”
Nala: “I WANT THE TRUTH"
Cardiman: “You can't handle the truth”
[The room is quiet enough to hear a pin drop, instead we hear the sharp intake of breath as an old guy takes a puff of his inhaler...]
Nala: "Do you think your decision was right?"
Cardiman: "It doesn't matter..."
Nala: "DO YOU THINK YOU WERE RIGHT!"
Cardiman: "Take caution in your tone, I'm a fair guy, but this fucking heat is making me absolutely crazy" (Cardiman is beginning to sweat and plays with the knot if his tie)
Nala: "Answer the question"
Cardiman: “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket... that I provide... and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way”
Nala: "Do you have an answer to the question?"
[Cardiman straightens his cardigan, takes of his glasses and slowly and smugly turns to address the people...]
Cardiman: “It's become obvious that Nala’s intention this afternoon is to smear a high ranking member of The Clique in the desperate hope that the mere appearance of impropriety will win him points with the people and the outside world. Now, it is my recommendation, that Nala be reprimanded for his conduct...”
[Nala cuts in....]
Nala: "Did you order the expulsions of Joss and Ren?"
Cardiman: "I have nothing further to say" [he again removes his glasses and rubs his forehead]
Nala: "ANSWER THE QUESTION YOU FUCKING SHIT"
Cardiman: "It was a code red expulsion, they deserved nothing more"
Nala: "Did you order the code red?"
Cardiman: "I did the job I...."
Nala: "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?"
Cardiman: "YOUR GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!" [Cardiman's face goes all wrinkly and evil]
[There is an audible series of gasps from the people...before silence descends again...]
Nala: "Thank you, at last we seem to be getting somewhere"
[A faint snore is heard in the room from the direction of an old dear who has nodded off...]
Cardiman: "I don't need to take this crap. You're gonna be crushed now because you've done something and I...I...I don't like it!" [He again rubs his forehead and shuffles papers about]
Nala: "Enough, I'm getting tired of you now" [Nala does a big over-exaggerated yawn and rolls his eyes]
Cardiman: "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss in your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong man”
Nala: "Boorrrrrrinnnngggg" [Nala yawns again, this time with a big show over covering his mouth]
Cardiman: "Son, I am somebody. I have Royal connections. I could take you down. There's nothing about Cardigans I don't know. You will never be man enough to fill my sensible shoes"
Nala: "Whatever Loser" [Nala makes the sign of an L on his forehead]
Cardiman: "Why you little fool... [Cardiman's voice becomes unrecognisable and takes on a Russian accent]...I vill deestroy you!"
Nala: "I'm sorry sir but I don't think so. Your time is up. There will be no more cardigans worn or sensible shoes. The Clique and you are weakened. We are taking back our commune. I'm going to ask you to get up now and leave. I would add that you doing so would mean you retain a shred of dignity but you've lost that with your really poor Ivan Drago impression a moment ago. Save yourself anymore embarrassment and walk away now...while you still have the use of boths legs".
A ripple of applause breaks out around the room and becomes a deafening sound as the people of the commune rejoice. The old dear who had nodded off is awoken with a start "Is it over, Have we won the war then?" she asks.
We see Cardiman look stunned and startled as ordinary people of the commune go towards him and his cronies in The Clique to escort them to the boundary. Quietly he gets up, runs his hands down his biege cardigan and with his fellow Clique members behind him he walks to the door of the grand hall.
The room quietens down to watch them leave...
Cardiman: "You haven't seen the last of me. I won't let this rest here...[his voice becomes unrecognisable and he takes on an Austrian accent]... I'll be back"
Nala: "Get tae fuck ya muppet"
The Clique members leave and the people of the commune begin to celebrate with the help of a man with an accordian and some line dancing. Joss and Ren appear at the doorway accompanied by Sol...no longer are they banished...they hug Nala and smile at each other. Camera fades away leaving a scene of jubilation.
The End.
Jenny xx
P.S - This is a work of fiction. It is not based on actual events. Any likeness to any persons either living or dead is purely co-incidental. Names are made up. Scenes are made up. Some words have been ripped from a movie and blended in with my own.
If you have been offended by this posting and decide to whine about it then you are either a cardigan wearing control freak, an asthmatic, an old dear who nods off or a member of a Clique who wishes to oppress people and frankly I wouldn't be admitting to be any of them (except maybe the asthmatic and old dear bits) because how does one explain being a cardigan wearing control freak or a member of an oppressive Clique without looking like a total choob?? However should you wish to whine anyway feel free to leave a comment so all my other readers can have a laugh at you.
The story is set around a small commune which has been locked in a time warp by it's rulers. The back story tells us how the rulers, known as The Clique, were voted into their leadership by making the people think they were wise and knowledgable with the power to make the commune a good place to be and pledging promises of better times ahead. We soon see that these were false promises though as The Clique, once they have secured their places, become increasingly more dictorial and begin making decisions to suit their own agenda. That agenda is to keep the people under their power, to opress them and to govern them with rules that are decades out of date and that hold little relevance to todays society...rules which keep the commune locked in a time warp and away from the real world and it's influence.
We see examples of how The Clique do this. Denying the people the right to dress as they wish, actively encouraging the wearing of cardigans and sensible shoes. Dictating the prices of goods throughout the commune. Forbidding the people to walk on grassed areas within the commune. Putting their corrupt insiders into positions of power where they can spy on the people. Denying rights to freedom of speech.
The people of the commune are shell shocked at having to live under these regulatory guidelines but initially still believe The Clique who tell them that these harsh rules are for the long term benefit of the commune. However, we see The Clique make one or two decisions which begin to cause restlessness and concern amongst the people. They make decisions of what social activities the commune people can participate in and begin summoning people in front of them in their grand hall to punish them for small misdemeanours.
Meanwhile 2 freedom fighters (Joss and Ren) are becoming increasingly concerned about the decisions and actions of The Clique. They are long term friends who have been at the commune for many years. We flash back to see how they met and the bond that is between them. Beautiful scenes show us the two of them as teenagers before losing touch with each other as life taken them on separate paths. Later we see them meeting up again a decade or so later when they both come to the commune, older, wiser but still bound together by their sense of humour, love of the written word and shared history.
Slowly but surely The Clique begin to stamp down on the people. Everyone is under scrutiny as they seek to become ever more dominant and Joss soon finds himself called to the grand hall and being questioned about a trip he made outwith the commune. The Clique are unhappy about it and decide to punish him. By now there is a air of discontent with in the commune. Some people are beginning to realise that The Clique are out to crush them. Small groups form and discuss how they feel. Joss and Ren hear the whispers and when Ren is subjected to bullying by one of The Cliques corrupt insiders after rejecting sexual advances from them she decides to speak out. Flashbacks show us the corrupt insider making his advances and Ren shunning them. We then see how the corrupt insider slowly turns against Ren and plots revenge against her. Meanwhile The Clique have become aware of Ren's outspokeness and she is summoned to the grand hall under the pretence that they want to help her. Within minutes Ren realises it has all been a set up and that corrupt insider has lied to The Clique. They decide to punish Ren and banish her from the commune, never to be seen again.
The Clique do not disclose what has happened with Ren. They remain silent but let rumour slip that Ren was corrupt and out to tarnish and destroy the commune. Ren, though had made plans with Joss to ensure he could listen in on what the Clique said to her at her summons. We watch as he sits in a quiet place, risking being caught, to hear what is said in the Grand Hall. Joss makes sure that the people of the commune know the truth. That Ren was set up and banished. He knows that speaking out may well cause him to be next and is unsurprised to find himself summoned just a short while later. Concurrently we see The Clique being told by a corrupt insider of what Joss has been saying. We see them set up monitoring of his actions, looking out for misdemeanours and evidence of his contravening the non-right to freedom of speech.
Joss is also punished heavily. He too is stripped of everything he had in the commune and is expelled into the great beyond. The Clique are keen to show the people of the commune that dissent and non-conformity to their rules will not be accepted.
The people of the commune are shocked. Many weaken and decide it is best to comply with The Cliques demands and rules but factions start to form...The Clique underestimated the effect that banishing Joss and Ren might have. A secret underground movement begins to grow. Fed up with living in a dictatorship, under an oppressive regime that acively encourages them to become old before their time and wear cardigans and sensible shoes. Plans are quietly being made to overthrow the regime and to hold an uprising against The Clique.
Meanwhile Ren and Joss are meeting up in the outside world. Ren has made friends with a freedom fighter called Sol who is well qualified in quashing organisations like The Clique. She introduces him to Joss and together they work to find a solution and make people aware of the levels of corruption and the tyrannical ways of The Clique. We see lots of late night shots with beer and whisky as they 3 look over books and do research for their quest. Joss and Ren get a message to the underground group in the commune to tell them of their plans. Together with Ren's friend Sol they decide to take action against The Clique at a higher level by going to the outside worlds highest juristiction The People's Tribune to get them to agree to put sanctions on The Clique. The plan is complicated but Joss, Ren and Sol hope that if The People's Tribune agree to enforce sanctions it will show more people in the commune the errors of The Clique and weaken their hold.
Joss and Ren put their case to The People's Tribune... We see the tense meetings as Joss and Ren put their cases to The People's Tribune and scenes are played showing the wait for the outcome on which the whole plan rests...they are overjoyed when The People's Tribune finds in their favour and agrees to put sanctions in place. This gives the green light to the underground group and reports of the sanctions begin to leak to the people of the commune. More and more people go to the underground group to tell them of punishments they have received and their discontent at The Clique and it's oppressive regime. Soon the underground group has a good number of supporters. The Clique sense something is afoot and call a mass summons in the grand hall. All the people of the commune attend. The Clique know they are in a weakened position and suspect there may be a restlessness among the people and intend to use the meeting to crush any uprising. However, the underground group, also realising the weakened position of The Clique make their move and one by one begin throwing questions at The Clique about their running of the commune. We see scenes of chaos as the people become unruly, shouting and demanding answers. Corrupt insiders try in vain to restore order. Suddenly there is a loud bang, Nala the leader of the underground group has banged a big stick down on the floor. The sound gets everyone's attention. Nala steps forward. The room goes quiet. Nala looks in the direction of the leader of The Clique, Cardiman, and asks for the truth of what happened with Joss and Ren...we see the following scene played out...
Nala: "What happened with Joss and Ren?"
Cardiman: “You want answers?”
Nala: “I think I'm entitled”
Cardiman: “You want answers?”
Nala: “I WANT THE TRUTH"
Cardiman: “You can't handle the truth”
[The room is quiet enough to hear a pin drop, instead we hear the sharp intake of breath as an old guy takes a puff of his inhaler...]
Nala: "Do you think your decision was right?"
Cardiman: "It doesn't matter..."
Nala: "DO YOU THINK YOU WERE RIGHT!"
Cardiman: "Take caution in your tone, I'm a fair guy, but this fucking heat is making me absolutely crazy" (Cardiman is beginning to sweat and plays with the knot if his tie)
Nala: "Answer the question"
Cardiman: “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket... that I provide... and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way”
Nala: "Do you have an answer to the question?"
[Cardiman straightens his cardigan, takes of his glasses and slowly and smugly turns to address the people...]
Cardiman: “It's become obvious that Nala’s intention this afternoon is to smear a high ranking member of The Clique in the desperate hope that the mere appearance of impropriety will win him points with the people and the outside world. Now, it is my recommendation, that Nala be reprimanded for his conduct...”
[Nala cuts in....]
Nala: "Did you order the expulsions of Joss and Ren?"
Cardiman: "I have nothing further to say" [he again removes his glasses and rubs his forehead]
Nala: "ANSWER THE QUESTION YOU FUCKING SHIT"
Cardiman: "It was a code red expulsion, they deserved nothing more"
Nala: "Did you order the code red?"
Cardiman: "I did the job I...."
Nala: "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?"
Cardiman: "YOUR GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!" [Cardiman's face goes all wrinkly and evil]
[There is an audible series of gasps from the people...before silence descends again...]
Nala: "Thank you, at last we seem to be getting somewhere"
[A faint snore is heard in the room from the direction of an old dear who has nodded off...]
Cardiman: "I don't need to take this crap. You're gonna be crushed now because you've done something and I...I...I don't like it!" [He again rubs his forehead and shuffles papers about]
Nala: "Enough, I'm getting tired of you now" [Nala does a big over-exaggerated yawn and rolls his eyes]
Cardiman: "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss in your dead skull! You fucked with the wrong man”
Nala: "Boorrrrrrinnnngggg" [Nala yawns again, this time with a big show over covering his mouth]
Cardiman: "Son, I am somebody. I have Royal connections. I could take you down. There's nothing about Cardigans I don't know. You will never be man enough to fill my sensible shoes"
Nala: "Whatever Loser" [Nala makes the sign of an L on his forehead]
Cardiman: "Why you little fool... [Cardiman's voice becomes unrecognisable and takes on a Russian accent]...I vill deestroy you!"
Nala: "I'm sorry sir but I don't think so. Your time is up. There will be no more cardigans worn or sensible shoes. The Clique and you are weakened. We are taking back our commune. I'm going to ask you to get up now and leave. I would add that you doing so would mean you retain a shred of dignity but you've lost that with your really poor Ivan Drago impression a moment ago. Save yourself anymore embarrassment and walk away now...while you still have the use of boths legs".
A ripple of applause breaks out around the room and becomes a deafening sound as the people of the commune rejoice. The old dear who had nodded off is awoken with a start "Is it over, Have we won the war then?" she asks.
We see Cardiman look stunned and startled as ordinary people of the commune go towards him and his cronies in The Clique to escort them to the boundary. Quietly he gets up, runs his hands down his biege cardigan and with his fellow Clique members behind him he walks to the door of the grand hall.
The room quietens down to watch them leave...
Cardiman: "You haven't seen the last of me. I won't let this rest here...[his voice becomes unrecognisable and he takes on an Austrian accent]... I'll be back"
Nala: "Get tae fuck ya muppet"
The Clique members leave and the people of the commune begin to celebrate with the help of a man with an accordian and some line dancing. Joss and Ren appear at the doorway accompanied by Sol...no longer are they banished...they hug Nala and smile at each other. Camera fades away leaving a scene of jubilation.
The End.
Jenny xx
P.S - This is a work of fiction. It is not based on actual events. Any likeness to any persons either living or dead is purely co-incidental. Names are made up. Scenes are made up. Some words have been ripped from a movie and blended in with my own.
If you have been offended by this posting and decide to whine about it then you are either a cardigan wearing control freak, an asthmatic, an old dear who nods off or a member of a Clique who wishes to oppress people and frankly I wouldn't be admitting to be any of them (except maybe the asthmatic and old dear bits) because how does one explain being a cardigan wearing control freak or a member of an oppressive Clique without looking like a total choob?? However should you wish to whine anyway feel free to leave a comment so all my other readers can have a laugh at you.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Nursery School Stuff...
Just so you know...
I have deleted the post entitled "For Those Who Have Asked" dated 14th March 2007.
Who knew I'd one day have a blog that attracted so much attention?? I should maybe set up a side blog in the manner of a Watchdog...Blogdog we could call it...where people can complain about posts they dislike. I'll give it a bit of thought! ;-)
So it's gone. Anything to keep my adored readers happy!
And with that I will bid you farewell and leave in a puff of green smoke with the sound of my laughter ringing in the air.
Jenny xx
I have deleted the post entitled "For Those Who Have Asked" dated 14th March 2007.
Who knew I'd one day have a blog that attracted so much attention?? I should maybe set up a side blog in the manner of a Watchdog...Blogdog we could call it...where people can complain about posts they dislike. I'll give it a bit of thought! ;-)
So it's gone. Anything to keep my adored readers happy!
And with that I will bid you farewell and leave in a puff of green smoke with the sound of my laughter ringing in the air.
Jenny xx
The Penis..
The penis was annoyed when he found out that the tit was being paid more than he was. He knew he worked harder than the tit and so deserved to be paid more. He decided to ask the boss for a wage rise...
Dear Sir,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
Taking all the above into account I feel I am worthy of a pay rise as on the whole my job is far more demanding than that of tit who spends most of the day hanging about or indeed having to be supported and whom I know complains monthly about beig sore and tender. I await your response.
Regards,
Penis.
The management looked over the letter from the Penis and after much consideration sent him the following reply...
Dear Penis,
After giving your request due consideration and taking into account the points you raised, the administration rejects your request for a pay rise for the following reasons:
And as if that was not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management.
Made me giggle did that!
Jenny xx
Dear Sir,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- My work is of a physical nature.
- I work at depths.
- I plunge head first into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in warm surroundings.
- I often work in areas with strong odours.
- In my work I can often be exposed to contagious diseases.
Taking all the above into account I feel I am worthy of a pay rise as on the whole my job is far more demanding than that of tit who spends most of the day hanging about or indeed having to be supported and whom I know complains monthly about beig sore and tender. I await your response.
Regards,
Penis.
The management looked over the letter from the Penis and after much consideration sent him the following reply...
Dear Penis,
After giving your request due consideration and taking into account the points you raised, the administration rejects your request for a pay rise for the following reasons:
- You are unable to work 8 hours straight.
- You are prone to fall asleep after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management.
- You do not stay in your designated area & have tried on several occasions to get into the restricted area to the rear of your workplace.
- You do not take the initiative, often needing to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
- You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You are not loyal and you have been caught more than once entering a different workplace.
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
- Experience has proven you will not be fit to work until 65. In fact in all likelihood you will retire much earlier than this.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You often need a hand in order to complete your task.
- You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
- You have spat randomly in inappropriate places.
And as if that was not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management.
Made me giggle did that!
Jenny xx
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Nothing To Report...
God it's been dull in Edinburgh this last weekend. Absolutely nothing has happened in the nations capital that's worth mentioning. It's been a quiet weekend.
I was out on Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours. It was quite chilly, in fact the atmosphere at some points that afternoon was decidedly frosty in some sections....namely sections A to Z with the possible exceptions being section M where they seemed to have a warm glow around them. Mind you to be fair there was some sections which saw a rise in temperatures a couple of times. In fact in some parts certain individuals were positively raging!
Then on Sunday I stayed in all day. Didn't venture over the door at all. Apparently there was a whole load of Hobo-type characters on the move from 9am until about 12pm making their way out the city for a day trip to Weegieland. As they don't get to go there that often they were all very excited.
Unconfirmed reports reached me that between the hours of 12pm and 6pm there were no crimes committed in the city nor was there any drug taking activity. This is possibly coincidental to the Hobo-type characters leaving the city but I doubt it!
At about 5pm I heard a rumour that there was a large convoy of caravans heading eastbound on the M8 motorway. It seemed the Hobo-type characters who had left the city earlier were now on their way back. So with all this going on it seemed best just to stay indoors despite the streets of the capital being the safest they had been since about 1991. I say 1991 because although they had a day out to Weegieland on 2nd April last year they went in much smaller numbers with many of them thinking it was fancy dress and going dressed as seats the silly so and so's!
I heard at about 6pm that there was a large caravan convoy heading eastbound on the M8. It wasn't anything to worry about though as it was just the Hobo-type characters returning from their day out. Apparently it had gone much better this year than last when they all came home early and suicidal. They were this time all in good spirits which may be linked to the amount of alcohol they'd consumed or the fact they'd managed to give their carers the slip for the day.
They were in such good spirits that they decided to throw a party. Well I say party but there was hardly anyone there I'm led to believe. More a gathering than a party. They had booked a bus for some of their special friends to go on so they could show off what they had won on their day out. (Reports that some of them stole the roof from it to sell for scrap are still be confirmed)
I think it was some sort of small cup. I know it couldn't have been a big cup because there's only one of them in Scotland and I was at the party for that one last year and if I recall correctly there was lots of fine upstanding people at that party...thousands upon thousands of them...and no Hobo-types in sight.
Anyhow I heard it was a crappy party...it was rainy and sleety and cold. Not like that big, massive party I went to last year or the one I went to in May 1998. Both of them were on glorious days with the weather perfect for dancing in the streets. Maybe the higher being who controls the weather doesn't like Hobo-type characters? Just a thought as I heard it was snowing and sleety and rainy while they were on their day trip to the Weeg as well.
Anyway, come Monday their was a slight chill in the air again. It seemed a black cloud that had been lurking since Saturday at about 4:45pm over the west side of Edinburgh had grown in size over the Sunday and was, by Monday morning, hanging ominously over many areas of west Edinburgh. It seems to have affected some people's health and I was told that many people were absent from work on Monday morning and that many a doctors surgery was full of poor souls suffering from a strange depression like illness. Rumour has it that this cloud is carrying a contamination from eastern europe but that contamination may be made worse by some green lurgy that is attached to it.
So nothing much to report from here over the weekend. Nowt much in the papers or on the news apart from the wee mention about the Hobo-type characters and their crap party and even then it was a bit overshadowed because it seems Celtic lost again at football for the 3rd time in a row which has caused a bit of an uproar.
My sister has been in contact a lot over the weekend. I think she went with the Hobo-type characters on their day trip to Weegieland. I'm trying not to have to communicate with her for the time being. I find she makes me feel a bit sick. So anyway I've decided the best course of action for me is just to chill out and keep my head down until all this nasty business with the black cloud and the eastern european contamination and the green lurgy and the Hobo-type characters calms down. I'll just go quietly about my business....
Jenny xx
p.s - before I go can I just say....It's a wee cup for a wee team. Feck the Hibs!! "You won the league cup, we don't give a fuck, it's 105 in a roooowwww!!"
I was out on Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours. It was quite chilly, in fact the atmosphere at some points that afternoon was decidedly frosty in some sections....namely sections A to Z with the possible exceptions being section M where they seemed to have a warm glow around them. Mind you to be fair there was some sections which saw a rise in temperatures a couple of times. In fact in some parts certain individuals were positively raging!
Then on Sunday I stayed in all day. Didn't venture over the door at all. Apparently there was a whole load of Hobo-type characters on the move from 9am until about 12pm making their way out the city for a day trip to Weegieland. As they don't get to go there that often they were all very excited.
Unconfirmed reports reached me that between the hours of 12pm and 6pm there were no crimes committed in the city nor was there any drug taking activity. This is possibly coincidental to the Hobo-type characters leaving the city but I doubt it!
At about 5pm I heard a rumour that there was a large convoy of caravans heading eastbound on the M8 motorway. It seemed the Hobo-type characters who had left the city earlier were now on their way back. So with all this going on it seemed best just to stay indoors despite the streets of the capital being the safest they had been since about 1991. I say 1991 because although they had a day out to Weegieland on 2nd April last year they went in much smaller numbers with many of them thinking it was fancy dress and going dressed as seats the silly so and so's!
I heard at about 6pm that there was a large caravan convoy heading eastbound on the M8. It wasn't anything to worry about though as it was just the Hobo-type characters returning from their day out. Apparently it had gone much better this year than last when they all came home early and suicidal. They were this time all in good spirits which may be linked to the amount of alcohol they'd consumed or the fact they'd managed to give their carers the slip for the day.
They were in such good spirits that they decided to throw a party. Well I say party but there was hardly anyone there I'm led to believe. More a gathering than a party. They had booked a bus for some of their special friends to go on so they could show off what they had won on their day out. (Reports that some of them stole the roof from it to sell for scrap are still be confirmed)
I think it was some sort of small cup. I know it couldn't have been a big cup because there's only one of them in Scotland and I was at the party for that one last year and if I recall correctly there was lots of fine upstanding people at that party...thousands upon thousands of them...and no Hobo-types in sight.
Anyhow I heard it was a crappy party...it was rainy and sleety and cold. Not like that big, massive party I went to last year or the one I went to in May 1998. Both of them were on glorious days with the weather perfect for dancing in the streets. Maybe the higher being who controls the weather doesn't like Hobo-type characters? Just a thought as I heard it was snowing and sleety and rainy while they were on their day trip to the Weeg as well.
Anyway, come Monday their was a slight chill in the air again. It seemed a black cloud that had been lurking since Saturday at about 4:45pm over the west side of Edinburgh had grown in size over the Sunday and was, by Monday morning, hanging ominously over many areas of west Edinburgh. It seems to have affected some people's health and I was told that many people were absent from work on Monday morning and that many a doctors surgery was full of poor souls suffering from a strange depression like illness. Rumour has it that this cloud is carrying a contamination from eastern europe but that contamination may be made worse by some green lurgy that is attached to it.
So nothing much to report from here over the weekend. Nowt much in the papers or on the news apart from the wee mention about the Hobo-type characters and their crap party and even then it was a bit overshadowed because it seems Celtic lost again at football for the 3rd time in a row which has caused a bit of an uproar.
My sister has been in contact a lot over the weekend. I think she went with the Hobo-type characters on their day trip to Weegieland. I'm trying not to have to communicate with her for the time being. I find she makes me feel a bit sick. So anyway I've decided the best course of action for me is just to chill out and keep my head down until all this nasty business with the black cloud and the eastern european contamination and the green lurgy and the Hobo-type characters calms down. I'll just go quietly about my business....
Jenny xx
p.s - before I go can I just say....It's a wee cup for a wee team. Feck the Hibs!! "You won the league cup, we don't give a fuck, it's 105 in a roooowwww!!"
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
'Mon The Killie...
Now obviously I am a Hearts fan. I think the picture at the top of this Blog gives that away. However for the remainder of this week (barring the time between 3pm & 4:45pm on saturday when I will be at Tynie cheering on the boys in maroon) I am a sympathising Kilmarnock FC supporter.
The reason for this is that they are playing the Hibee scum in the league cup final this coming Sunday. It's a small insignificant cup, not like the big one we won last year but regardless I would rather eat my own fingers to the bone that see that bunch of caravan dwelling docksiders have reason to rejoice.
Sadly for me I have few family members who will be attending the game to support the Leithers. My Sister, Brother-in-Law and Nephew are all going as are a fair few family friends. For the sake of my 8 year old Nephew (for whom it will be a first cup final...well that's what happens when you follow a wee team!) I hope the Hibee scum score...in fact they can score more than once if they like, so long as Killie score one time more than they do!
So 'Mon the Killie!
Jenny xx
The reason for this is that they are playing the Hibee scum in the league cup final this coming Sunday. It's a small insignificant cup, not like the big one we won last year but regardless I would rather eat my own fingers to the bone that see that bunch of caravan dwelling docksiders have reason to rejoice.
Sadly for me I have few family members who will be attending the game to support the Leithers. My Sister, Brother-in-Law and Nephew are all going as are a fair few family friends. For the sake of my 8 year old Nephew (for whom it will be a first cup final...well that's what happens when you follow a wee team!) I hope the Hibee scum score...in fact they can score more than once if they like, so long as Killie score one time more than they do!
So 'Mon the Killie!
Jenny xx
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Happy Birthday To You....
Today is Better Half's birthday. He is a handsome, young looking 44 today. In fact in all honesty he looks younger now than he did when I met him 8 years ago!
I reckon it's down to him living with a woman over a decade younger than him! They do say you're only as old as the woman you feel!
Happy Birthday Gorgeous!
I Love You Heaps And Plenty.
Jenny xx
I reckon it's down to him living with a woman over a decade younger than him! They do say you're only as old as the woman you feel!
Happy Birthday Gorgeous!
I Love You Heaps And Plenty.
Jenny xx
Monday, March 05, 2007
Is It Wrong...?
Yesterday I headed to Weegieland with my Maw for a wee bit retail therapy and took 6 year old, 10 year old and my niece with me for the trip (8 year old nephew didn't come as he was at Easter Road watching the Hibs get beat by Rangers..hahaha he'd have been better off coming with me to Weggieland but he'll never learn!).
Anyway I digress...so we go into a shop and I'm looking at school clothes thinking both my offspring could use an extra pair of school trousers each when 10 year old pipes up that she has seen a pair of "city shorts" and can she have them instead of trousers. "City shorts", for the benefit of those who don't know, are knee length dress shorts that girls are now wearing for school! So I agree and I start looking through the racks for her size which is normally anything from aged 7-8 to aged 9-10 depending on where we are buying! She's out of luck as all they have left are aged 12-13 and a 5-6. I relay this information to 10 year old who is highly unamused and proceeds to pick up the age 12-13 telling me "they'll fit". Em, no I don't think so. They are way too big. So determined not to leave the shop without her shorts, she proceeds to pick up the age 5-6 telling me "these'll fit me". We bicker back and forth for a few minutes with my telling her that age 5-6 will not fit her but that I will get her a pair elsewhere and her repeatedly telling me that they will fit her. Eventually I snap "They will not fit you, they are at least 2 sizes too small but you know what? Go and try them on, go on.".
10 year old hot foots it to the changing room with a determined look on her face. A couple of minutes later I hear the sound of my Mum laughing "You need to come and see this" she says. There in the changing room, prancing around sporting a huge smug grin is my 10 year old
...wearing the shorts and displaying enough space at the waist to get my Mum's hand in! "See I told you they'd fit so waaaayyyy" she says in her very best chav tone. So I reluctantly parted with the cash for her new shorts...she is very happy with her new purchase because they are, and I quote, "well nice and my pals wear them".
I am left though wondering if it's not fundamentally wrong that my 10 year old can still get into clothes that are made for age 5-6??
Still I'd be more concerned if faced with the issue that was in last weeks news...the poor 8 year old lad who weighs in at 15 stone. God love him. That wee lad has years of misery ahead of him. Imagine having to be worrying about your weight at such a young age and the ridiculing he'll get from others? Well it doesn't bear thinking about.
Jenny xx
Anyway I digress...so we go into a shop and I'm looking at school clothes thinking both my offspring could use an extra pair of school trousers each when 10 year old pipes up that she has seen a pair of "city shorts" and can she have them instead of trousers. "City shorts", for the benefit of those who don't know, are knee length dress shorts that girls are now wearing for school! So I agree and I start looking through the racks for her size which is normally anything from aged 7-8 to aged 9-10 depending on where we are buying! She's out of luck as all they have left are aged 12-13 and a 5-6. I relay this information to 10 year old who is highly unamused and proceeds to pick up the age 12-13 telling me "they'll fit". Em, no I don't think so. They are way too big. So determined not to leave the shop without her shorts, she proceeds to pick up the age 5-6 telling me "these'll fit me". We bicker back and forth for a few minutes with my telling her that age 5-6 will not fit her but that I will get her a pair elsewhere and her repeatedly telling me that they will fit her. Eventually I snap "They will not fit you, they are at least 2 sizes too small but you know what? Go and try them on, go on.".
10 year old hot foots it to the changing room with a determined look on her face. A couple of minutes later I hear the sound of my Mum laughing "You need to come and see this" she says. There in the changing room, prancing around sporting a huge smug grin is my 10 year old
...wearing the shorts and displaying enough space at the waist to get my Mum's hand in! "See I told you they'd fit so waaaayyyy" she says in her very best chav tone. So I reluctantly parted with the cash for her new shorts...she is very happy with her new purchase because they are, and I quote, "well nice and my pals wear them".
I am left though wondering if it's not fundamentally wrong that my 10 year old can still get into clothes that are made for age 5-6??
Still I'd be more concerned if faced with the issue that was in last weeks news...the poor 8 year old lad who weighs in at 15 stone. God love him. That wee lad has years of misery ahead of him. Imagine having to be worrying about your weight at such a young age and the ridiculing he'll get from others? Well it doesn't bear thinking about.
Jenny xx
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I Got This...
sent by text from a good Jambo mate of mine.
"Osama Bin Laden has sent a message to confirm he is still alive. The message said "Hibs were shit at the weekend"
British Intelligence Officers have dismissed the message stating that it could have been recorded anytime in the last 25 years. "
It made me smile so it did.
Christ I just said "so I did" there which quite frrankly is a pure weegie thing to be saying. Oh FFS I just said "pure" as well which is another proper weegie thing to say.
Maybe it's because I was through there today doing a bit of shopping/browsing. There is no way that these little errors in my speech are due to me having weegie blood in my veins. The rumours that I have some weegie blood are (cough) simply untrue*!
Jenny xx
*Or maybe they're not!
"Osama Bin Laden has sent a message to confirm he is still alive. The message said "Hibs were shit at the weekend"
British Intelligence Officers have dismissed the message stating that it could have been recorded anytime in the last 25 years. "
It made me smile so it did.
Christ I just said "so I did" there which quite frrankly is a pure weegie thing to be saying. Oh FFS I just said "pure" as well which is another proper weegie thing to say.
Maybe it's because I was through there today doing a bit of shopping/browsing. There is no way that these little errors in my speech are due to me having weegie blood in my veins. The rumours that I have some weegie blood are (cough) simply untrue*!
Jenny xx
*Or maybe they're not!
Cold Turkey...
"You never miss the water till the well runs dry" they say (I don't exactly know who "they" are but they don't half say a lot).
Never was a phrase more appropriate than over this last week. You see Jambo's Kickback has been down, offline, goosed, fecked...whatever your preference and I have been like a bear with a sore head for the duration of it's vanishing.
I had no idea how much time I spent on it until it had gone. Day after day in this last week I have come to the 'puter and headed straight for it only to again be told it was unavailable. I now realise I must spend a hideous amount of time on there chatting away to fellow Jambo's and reading through the message boards.
I've never really gone cold turkey regarding drink or drugs before so I never had an understanding of what it must be like when you are forced to give up something you depend on...I do now! I definitely went through a period of cold turkey these last few days!
My name is Jenny and I am a JKB aholic.
Still it's up and running again now...phew...so why am I still here???? Later people.
Jenny xx
Never was a phrase more appropriate than over this last week. You see Jambo's Kickback has been down, offline, goosed, fecked...whatever your preference and I have been like a bear with a sore head for the duration of it's vanishing.
I had no idea how much time I spent on it until it had gone. Day after day in this last week I have come to the 'puter and headed straight for it only to again be told it was unavailable. I now realise I must spend a hideous amount of time on there chatting away to fellow Jambo's and reading through the message boards.
I've never really gone cold turkey regarding drink or drugs before so I never had an understanding of what it must be like when you are forced to give up something you depend on...I do now! I definitely went through a period of cold turkey these last few days!
My name is Jenny and I am a JKB aholic.
Still it's up and running again now...phew...so why am I still here???? Later people.
Jenny xx
Back To Basics....
Right then...the thorn in my side and the subject of my various cryptic posts in recent weeks has now been dealt with. They have officially had two fingers stuck up at them and a big fuck you directed at them. My cryptic posting has hit the correct nerve and they've received their fingers and fuck you directly from me and so are no longer worth my time or my dazzling intelligence. The person in question knows who they are. For the rest of you this is someone who a year ago I classed as a friend and whom I now class as a nobody. Someone with whom I once would pass the time of day and someone for whom I would not pass water if they were dying of thirst now.
So now things on here can get back to normal. No longer will I pass messages through this Blog that only they will understand...although I have no doubt they are still reading this. Some people never learn you see and he/she is, I have come to realise, a person with sadist tendancies. After all why else would they continue to read this Blog when they knew that for the last few weeks much of my posts were purely to ridicule them? They knew we'd fallen out and that I'd bring it to this Blog.
I am reclaiming the Blog for the purpose for which it was started all those months ago, in fact almost 2 years ago...that is me writing whatever random thoughts come into my head while I'm logged in here and passing my humble opinions on the topic of the day...not to mention of course ripping a new arsehole for anyone or anything that pisses me off along the way.
In a final message to my ex-friend then, may I just say...why don't you fuck right off, stop reading this and go and find something or someone else to try and be clever with. Or better still why not go and read a book or two and try to increase your knowledge and intelligence to the level above fuckwit which is where you currently are. You see that's where you went wrong...intelligence (which I am blessed with) always wins over stupidity (which sadly is about all you are blessed with). Now run along, assuming you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other at speed that is...
Anyway back to the post...so no more cryptic messages. From now on this blog will go back to basics.
Jenny xx
So now things on here can get back to normal. No longer will I pass messages through this Blog that only they will understand...although I have no doubt they are still reading this. Some people never learn you see and he/she is, I have come to realise, a person with sadist tendancies. After all why else would they continue to read this Blog when they knew that for the last few weeks much of my posts were purely to ridicule them? They knew we'd fallen out and that I'd bring it to this Blog.
I am reclaiming the Blog for the purpose for which it was started all those months ago, in fact almost 2 years ago...that is me writing whatever random thoughts come into my head while I'm logged in here and passing my humble opinions on the topic of the day...not to mention of course ripping a new arsehole for anyone or anything that pisses me off along the way.
In a final message to my ex-friend then, may I just say...why don't you fuck right off, stop reading this and go and find something or someone else to try and be clever with. Or better still why not go and read a book or two and try to increase your knowledge and intelligence to the level above fuckwit which is where you currently are. You see that's where you went wrong...intelligence (which I am blessed with) always wins over stupidity (which sadly is about all you are blessed with). Now run along, assuming you are capable of putting one foot in front of the other at speed that is...
Anyway back to the post...so no more cryptic messages. From now on this blog will go back to basics.
Jenny xx
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