Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus...

My wee friend Ross has often commented on the fact that women are hard work, especially because of the way we tend not to be directly honest or say what we mean and because we ask questions but don't want to hear a truthful answer....Mmmmm...I suppose he may have a point in some respects.....the classic example being "does my bum look big in this?"....I mean there is no right answer to that is there? If he says yes, we sulk and if he says no and we know he's lying, we sulk!

However while I agree us girls can be a bit complicated we are pretty easy to understand once you get the hang of deciphering what we really mean when we say something. It's just a case of reading between the lines...

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = If you do I’ll kill you!
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = I am very upset.
10. You can go out with your mates if you want = I will sulk for days now.
11. It was reduced in the sale = It cost a fortune
12. I’m going to make a quick phone call = I’ll be on the phone for hours.
13. I’m going for a chat with the girls = I’m going to tell them what you did
14. I won’t tell anyone = I’ll tell everyone I meet
15. My period is due = Annoy me today and I’ll slit your throat.
16. I’m washing my hair = I’d rather die than go out with you
17. I won’t be long = I’ll be gone for hours
18. My friend just got engaged = Why haven’t you asked me yet?
19. I’m going on a diet = You think I’m fat
20. Your friends seem nice = We will never socialise with them again
21. I have nothing to wear = I have nothing that fits
22. I love roses = Buy me a bunch you bastard
23. Are we going out tonight? = I will need to buy a new outfit and shoes
24. Do you like my friends? = Do you fancy my friends?
25. Are you coming to bed now? = I want sex. It’s now or never.

Seems fairly straight forward to me! In any event having given it some thought men seem to be no better...

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. No = No
2. Yes = Yes
3. Maybe = Maybe
4. I am hungry = I am hungry
5. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
6. I am tired = I am tired
7. Nice top = Nice cleavage!
8. I love you = I’d like to have sex with you
9. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
10. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
12. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
13. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
14. Your Sister seems nice = I’d shag her as well
15. I’ll be back for dinner = I’ll be home at closing time
16. I’m sorry = I’m horny
17. Of course I didn’t forget your birthday = Oh shit I forgot your birthday
18. You look lovely = I’d like to have sex with you
19. What time will you be home? = I want to watch my porno.
20. I’ve been invited to a mates stag night = I’m going to see strippers
21. I bought you some underwear = I want sex
22. I’m working late = I’m shagging someone from work
23. I’ll go and get the shopping = Oh shit your Mum’s coming round
24. I’m not that hungry = Your cooking is crap so I had a McDonalds earlier
25. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

So in conclusion then it seems men should try and avoid having a woman say "I'm sorry" to him if he wishes to avoid trouble and women need to always be aware that if a man says "you look lovely" and we respond positively to the comment we may well hear the patter of tiny feet in 9 months time.

Jenny xx