Monday, October 02, 2006

Do You Ever Feel...

That time is at a standstill? That life seems to moving around you but not for you? You know that feeling that other people seem to be doing things or moving on but you seem stuck in the same place? That way when you seem to be going through the motions day after day and each new day slides into all the ones that have gone before?

That's where I'm at right now. Every day has the same ring to it and my weekends now merge with my week days with the exception that the kids are home!

In all honesty it's a wierd place for someone like me to be at. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a big dreamer. I'm nothing if not practical about life. I'm so basic and straightforward sometimes it hurts! I left school at 18 with a clutch of decent exam results under my belt and no idea what lay out in the big, wide world for me. In fact at 18 I didn't know there was a big, wide world. I didn't realise half the opportunites that where out there. If I had I'd more than likely be writing this from the USA. At 18 my big, wide world was Edinburgh and it's pubs and clubs.

I had no idea what sort of job I wanted, so much so that I couldn't even settle on a University course and ended up spending my first year after school partying in various establishments and living off a giro of £60 a fortnight. My year out I called it. Eventually though I fell into line, commenced employment, got married, had kids, moved to the suburbs. All very basic and straighforward. Everything that's expected of you.

However, underneath the practicalities of life, while not harbouring mad ambitions and unrealistic pipe dreams, there has always been a feeling of wanting something else. That feeling that something is still missing. In that repsect I have noticed an affinity with my Dad. Looking back it seems clear that he, like me, had that longing for a different life. He sat contented in his house for over 20 years but the very fact he was willing to give up that house for a "new life" at 56 shows he was after trying to find that elusive something.

So I guess I need to figure out what it is I want from this life of mine. On the surface I have it all. Nice house, good family, healthy kids, fantastic partner, holidays, cars in the drive...but I still feel unfulfilled.

Maybe it's a case of the black cloud of depression heading my way caused by a feeling of entrapment due to my recent troublesome butt (over a month in and I've got an infection, back on antibiotics, painkillers and still being packed and dressed almost every day!!!) or maybe it's down to the fact that it's hard to feel alive and attractive on strong painkillers when all you want to do is sleep cause you feel so woozy and slob about in trackie bottoms and a vest top. Poor Better Half will die of shock the next time I put on make up or straighten my hair (benefits to be had though that my make up free skin is looking remarkably healthy!) I seriously doubt he'll ever find me attractive again! Did I mention he is now the one packing my wound? No? Well he is...shoving the packing in with a remarkably gentle touch for a big laddie. How attractive is that? It's not really the kind of anal action your man's after is it?!!! Talking of which, don't even get me started on my sex life. The bloody logistics of finding a position without hurting my ass and back is enough to send you to sleep, if the painkillers haven't gotten there already!

Of course maybe being entraped has given me too much time to think about my life. Too much time to think about what I could be doing. Too much time to sweat the small stuff. Too much time to compare my life to everyone else's. We all know how dangerous thinking can be!!

I think I'm possibly going stir crazy now. I've upped my bleach obsession to crazy levels. Nowhere is safe...I'm surprised there's not a hole in the bath from all the scrubbing. The mop is seeing more action than it has in a while and god forbid anyone leaves my bedroom without closing the door behind them. That has more to do with the dog who is currently my number one enemy right now. I've developed a serious dislike to her and her bloody dog hair. Yet another addition to my life caused by my arse...I'm at war with germs and dog hair. Am I filling a gap or is it because I'm obbessive about infection now? Who knows?! Really the poor dog should be my new best friend...after all she's the one here with me day in, day out!

Fuck it. I'm going to make a "To Do" list! That always cheers me up! I'm going to write a big list of everything I want to do or need to do and I'm going to bloody well start ticking them off from tomorrow. No point starting today....there's a bar of chocolate in the fridge, the kettle's boiled and there's a true movie on the planner with my name on it...anyway I'm pissed off and the emegency sure is always chocolate and a cup of tea!

Waffle/Rant over.

Jenny xx


Steven Douglas said...

I shouldn't let it bother me, if I was you. Without getting all "paternally lectural" (just made it up) on you, it's normal for people who are usually active to feel this way when they are suddenly incapacitated for a while.

You're doing the right thing though, I think. Look at the positives, make a list of things you want to do (or are capable of doing in the situation, (like, bungee jumping wouldn't be one of those right now), and then put some sort plan in place to, as you say, "start ticking them off". I made one last week on my "motivational course" (waste-of-fuckin'-time-course, more like) and top of the list was getting a new job. So far I've applied for two, but I'm feeling positive about one of them at least.

Keep the mind positive, and good things will come of it.

As for poor Geoff, the positive for him is that one day he won't have to pack yer butt any more... :-)

Wreckless said...



Joe said...

Don't worry - I saw that there was a big, wide world but the best place in it was still Edinburgh's pubs :-). Besides, that big wide world comes through those self same pub doors all the year round. But yeah, you do need some change sometimes or you can feel dragged down. That's when it is time to go tickle the tummy of a cat or dog; impossible to feel down when you are doing that!