Tuesday, July 12, 2005

A Strange Feeling...

I'm in a strange mood at the moment.

I'm putting it down to the fact that in a week from today will be the anniversary of Dad's death. One year passed since we last saw him.

I can't put my finger on the mood that's grabbed me. I'm not angry, snappy or bitching. I'm more thoughtful, quiet and feeling a real need not to sit doing nothing but to keep busy.

I think about Dad a lot, always have since he died but I am more of an optimist than a pesimist and because of this I stay positive and my thoughts of him over the last 11 months have been the good ones, the fond memories, the times we all laughed together and the silly things he would say. No thoughts there to hurt or make me sad, just memories of good times.

Just now though my thoughts are more negative, how I haven't seen him, spoke to him or heard his voice for a year. How I waved to him from a window the last day I saw him rather than get up and go down to speak to him in person. How my son starts school in a month and he won't be there at the gates with me, video camera in hand and proud as punch. Of course because it is the anniversary of his death (not for example his birthday) I am thinking of what happened a year ago - to all the feelings I had this time last year, anger, grief, shock, anger, anger & anger.

It is a strange feeling for me not to be able to dispell the negative feelings for positive ones but being Jenny I can assure you I will be back on form by next week, the one next week smiling, joking, relaying tales of my Dad with my Sister and Mum, both of whom have the enviable ability to cry and be sad and grieve freely, which I do not.

My Sister read a "star sign" thing about my sign - Aires - which said "give them a major issue to deal with like a death and they cope with ease, tell them they've got a flat tyre and they fall to pieces"!! This about sums me up to be fair. So I will tolerate my funny mood and see how it goes.

Jenny xx

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