Stop It....

I've been having a browse round the land that is Blogger and also the planet that is My Space looking at some other online writers.

I wish I hadn't. Seriously every other one has some person writing like they are american teen queens or the poor British equivalent of. We all throw a bit of American and a bit of initation now and then but honest to god they all sounded like mini Britney Spears/Paris Hilton/Vikki Pollard/Lauren (Catherine Tate)/Missy Elliots.

In order to prove how nippy it is, I've colaborated a little bit of a few of them and stuck them together...


"So, like, my friend called yesterday but I was like pissed cause she hasn’t called in, like, a week cause she has way serious man trouble and has, like, a major attitude on. It’s like so not my fault but I am so obviously getting attitude as well. So she says “Hi what’s up?” and we like chat for a while but I’m a bit like whatever and she notices and she’s like “Is there something up?” and I’m like “Em yes” and so I tell her I think she’s, like, got issues and she’s like “Oh your being a loser, I so don’t have issues” and I’m like “Whatever” and she tells me that her man said he wanted time to chill with his homies and he needs more time hanging with them.

She thinks though that he’s, like, just saying it because he’s wanting to get with some hoochie mama behind her back. He is like a major loser anyway who thinks he’s like a total playa when like he’s so not innit. So I said to her she should like just front him up and see if he’ll fess up to it. She said she’s going to see him and like check on it because she wants to be sorted again. I’m like totally whacked why she like’s him. He's such a grade A asshole but you know she does so whateva! I would so tell him to do one likes.

So anyway she’s like called him and he’s going to come get her in his ride and then take her to his crib so they can try and like clear things up. Please!! he will like so lie to her and she will like so fall for it. Whatever it’s up to her I ain’t bovvered innit."

Fucking irritating ain't it? So here's the guidelines as I see it..

1. If you are over 19 you are way too old to use half the vocabulary above unless in speech and you are ripping the piss out of your 9 year old. This is because it is generally 9 year olds that speak like that.
2. If you are British you should just stop because you'll only sound like a twat anyway.
3. Use of the word Innit either in speech or in writing should be reserved for the English in the same way as they should never use Aye.
4. Using words like crib or ride when you are British is just dodgy.
5. Using them when you're white and British is even more dodgy and does not in any way make you cool.
6. Repetitive use of the word whatever when used in it's american slang text will only suceed in making you sound like trailer trash. It is though possible to use the word in a scottish accent and sound quite angry.
7. Punctuating sentences with the word like is so like irritating.
8. Use of words like playa, homie, whateva should be reserved for people who can actually get away with using them. These people are generally black American teens or major rap artists. Not white, teenage, vikki pollard lookalikes in tracksuits with the socks tucked into the leg. Using them will not make you a black american teen nor a gangsta rapper.
9. Am I bovvered? is a fun catchphrase from a major tv show. It is humorous when used in this context. It is not humorous when it's written down.
10. Don't even go there with phrases like "that's waaayy cool!" or "totally awesome!". It's just wrong.

Personally I think I'll take it to the other extreme and start writing in my mother tongue...efter aw writin' in Scot's slang didnae dae Irvine Welsh any herm ay no?

Jenny xx